Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Can I ask for a little perpective please?

70 replies

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 12:40

I think I may have been very unreasonable this morning and I need a little perspective. I never thought in a millions years I'd be making a DP AIBU, let alone a bloody Valentines one but here goes.

DP works full time and gets up at 630 each morning and goes to work. I have ASD and can only work part time. (and need a lot of sleep) Today is my day off. I also make the odd cake and I have one due to be delivered tomorrow.

Yesterday I was helping a friend out, being a companion while they went though a difficult day and arranged my time so that I would be making the cake today while I was alone at home (I can't work when people are about to distract me).

This morning as the sun starts to come through the curtains I think 'DP is going to be late' when it is obvious he isn't going to work I ask him and he tells me he has booked the day off so he can spend it with me.

I realise that on the face of it this is a lovely thing to do. But...

I have ASD, he changed my plans very last minute without telling me. The shock caused a almost meltdown. This happens. I don't know why he never saw that coming.
I'm busy today. He knew this also. he says he just wanted to hang out but apart from him watch me work what could we have done?

The main thing is though, it wasn't just the change of plans. I was soo tired I just wanted him out my hair so I did fuck all to reassure him. I don't sleep well and when he is at work I'm scared of waking him in the night so I don't sleep properly. When he has gone to work I fall into deep sleep for a couple of hours. On the days I am working I just sleep in the spare room.

He has now gone off in a huff and he is taking about leaving me.

Erm? Confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 14:36

My mum, who doesn't have ASD, says that he is moody. So I don't think I'm reading it wrong.

Sorry about the drip feed, I only tend to bring stuff up as I think they become relevent (or rembember them)

OP posts:

PostBellumBugsy · 14/02/2013 14:49

Yula - I feel for you. My DS is autistic spectrum & I see him really struggle with trying to "get" other people. He is so rational & timetable orientated. He hates "surprises" however well intentioned they might be. Even if it is something that he really wants to do, he will often get very upset initially because it wasn't something he knew about.

It is really hard to get an understanding of your OH Yula, because you are not going to be the best person to tell us about him. DS finds it impossible to relay back a social interaction accurately - because he misses so many "cues", so he will miss facial expressions, not understand idioms, wry comments or sarcasm. His view of what has happened compared to another person involved in the exact same interaction can be completely different.

I think AS people are more vulnerable to forming dysfunctional relationships - but I don't think any of us should try and take a view on yours. Talk to your mum some more & get her view. Also, are there ways you could try and broaden your social circle? Do you have hobbies or interests that you could pursue as part of a group?

notnagging · 14/02/2013 15:00

I hope you don't think I am getting at you op. it's just I know how it is with my ds. I'm so glad they are offering him social therapy at a young age. Do you think you could look into that?

Original poster

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 15:08

My mum is slightly toxic. A nasty screechy person who treats me like a child, constantly puts me down and NEVER talks to me, always shouts, always negative.

DP just phoned me. He didn't think I would react like that because I have been excited when he has cancelled work before (for not feeling up to it). He didn't realised that that day I was anxious due to lack of things to do, and lack of structure in my day.

He says he has respect for my dad but cannot respect my mother who has no respect for herself, me, her husband or him.

He says he panics that he cannot afford to keep me, and thinks he will lose me to someone who can provide more (if he looked at my exes he would know i'm not money driven)

He also said he had no idea that I was not sleeping properly next to him and will move out if it will help. He says he can't understand why I stay in such a unpleasant environment but we cannot afford our own place yet (well we could but I don't want to claim anything from the government and because reliant just for then to take it away at a later date, really dont trust the system atm...15 months until the car loan and debts are clear then can move)

He says I am welcome at his parents but I just couldn't go there (ASD issue)

I am such a bitch.

OP posts:

Original poster

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 15:09

nagging MY DX is very recent... They are still working out what is best for me, CBT currently.

OP posts:

Original poster

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 15:09

God, I'm so sad right now :(

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 14/02/2013 15:12

you're not a bitch.

he's apologised for not getting how much of a hassle what he did was.
you can decide whether to apologise for reacting how you did (not the meltdown ,I don't think you could have helped that) or not.

what you do now is up to you.

Original poster

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 15:14

I should add...I haven't always lived with my parents.

I bought a house aged 19 (29 now) to live in with my abusive ex (I was clever and never put him on the deeds). When I bought it my parents moved to France and rented out their house, when they bought in France they tried to sell it but no one was intrested (upper price bracket). When I got rid of abusive ex I sold mine for them so they could pay their bridging loan and moved into their empty place, 2 years later they decided France wasn't for them and moved back home, with me.

3 years later and I'm still here with them.

OP posts:

notnagging · 14/02/2013 15:30

It's sounds like your parents are a big factor. What you have said bout them would send my stress levels the ought the roof. Asd or not. I know you have issues but you are aware of them. Don't let people (your parents) manipulate you & use your asd as an excuse.

thebody · 14/02/2013 15:44

Not helpful but I couldn't live with either of you.

Think you both need counselling to be honest.

Think you are also enjoying the conflict between your dh and your best friend.( male).

Pagwatch · 14/02/2013 16:57

You are right TheBody. Not helpful.

ChairmanWow · 14/02/2013 17:15

Did they ever pay you back for the bridging loan, and if they haven't so far are they able to arrange to pay you something that will enable you to get your own place? It sounds like such a stressful situation.

Toadinthehole · 14/02/2013 17:27

OP, given what you say about your ASD and the trouble it causes you in seeing balance, it is hard to know whether what you say is an accurate reflection of your situation or whether it has perhaps been recollected inaccurately. Perhaps you should seek RL help rather than affirmation on Mumsnet.

fromparistoberlin · 14/02/2013 17:34

I think you need a bit of help OP, as I think you need to get very clear on his behaviour, and what you deserve?

So I dont think you deserve bad behavour, but you seem to think you do?

But this thread wont help you I am afraid xx

StuntGirl · 14/02/2013 17:36

I'm actually astounded at the responses on here. How much support and bending over backwards advice do people give out for ASD children, yet his poor woman -nothing more than the grown up version of those children - is in the wrong?!

Yula I have fuck all experience or knowledge about ASD. But I know its something you can't help. It sounds like you are all going through an adjustment period while eveyone deals with your diagnosis. It sounds like you were both unreasonable and not unreasonable at the same time.

It sounds to me like it comes down to this: is he struggling with your diagnosis, and do you think he'll eventually come round, or do you think he's a bit of a prick who will behave like this forever?

Cherriesarelovely · 14/02/2013 17:42

I don't think yab that u to feel frustrated at the situation. My DP is similarly caring and lovely and sometimes surprises me like that and it can be a bit annoying if you have lots of comittments. Not that they are being annoying, just at the situation. I'm not sure exactly what you said to him but clearly he is very hurt which is also NU. In the context of the other things you have mentioned about him it seems like you don't get each other. Sorry you are having such a difficult time.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/02/2013 17:45

God, sorry, in the context of the rest of your posts mine is a load of rubbish. Sorry OP!

Toadinthehole · 14/02/2013 17:46

This sounds like too complicated a situation to be judged on what one person says.

Original poster

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 17:47

I think he just gets frustrated.

The bridging loan, nope. they lent me the deposit in the first place so I would never ask for it back.

the body - there is no conflict between my best mate and DP. DP went round there other day while I was at work to watch the Rugby.

OP posts:

notnagging · 14/02/2013 22:04

Yula sorry but before you said that your op did not like your bf & was constantly slagging him off. I really think you need to get some support in rl. Look up social therapy & see if that might help you. Good luck.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread