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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask for a little perpective please?

70 replies

YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 12:40

I think I may have been very unreasonable this morning and I need a little perspective. I never thought in a millions years I'd be making a DP AIBU, let alone a bloody Valentines one but here goes.

DP works full time and gets up at 630 each morning and goes to work. I have ASD and can only work part time. (and need a lot of sleep) Today is my day off. I also make the odd cake and I have one due to be delivered tomorrow.

Yesterday I was helping a friend out, being a companion while they went though a difficult day and arranged my time so that I would be making the cake today while I was alone at home (I can't work when people are about to distract me).

This morning as the sun starts to come through the curtains I think 'DP is going to be late' when it is obvious he isn't going to work I ask him and he tells me he has booked the day off so he can spend it with me.

I realise that on the face of it this is a lovely thing to do. But...

I have ASD, he changed my plans very last minute without telling me. The shock caused a almost meltdown. This happens. I don't know why he never saw that coming.
I'm busy today. He knew this also. he says he just wanted to hang out but apart from him watch me work what could we have done?

The main thing is though, it wasn't just the change of plans. I was soo tired I just wanted him out my hair so I did fuck all to reassure him. I don't sleep well and when he is at work I'm scared of waking him in the night so I don't sleep properly. When he has gone to work I fall into deep sleep for a couple of hours. On the days I am working I just sleep in the spare room.

He has now gone off in a huff and he is taking about leaving me.

Erm? Confused.

OP posts:
propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 14/02/2013 13:26

If DP knows of the ASD and meltdown potential then don't feel bad about it. He decided to be involved with you knowing your issues.

TheCatIsEatingIt · 14/02/2013 13:27

OP needs to work (on the cake). She has a deadline. DP usually goes to work, so she perhaps didn't think she had to tell him that her day was fully booked. She doesn't get on with surprises at the best of times, but today's surprise will make it difficult/impossible to meet her deadline. Of course she's not being bloody unreasonable! He simply didn't think!

Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 13:27

And to claify - my ASD is Aspergers. I don't have full blown autism and bumble through most of the time.

I recently read the jykell and hyde thread in relationships I honestly felt that at some points I could have written that.

He just says he loves me.

OP posts:
SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 14/02/2013 13:28

Yula, I get it.

Dp taking the day off unexpectedly would throw me too, especially if I had stuff to do. I can't get stuff done with him around and get anxious.

Presumably he knows you well enough to know a surprise isn't something you cope well with and I think his reaction is ott given the circumstances

nickelbabe · 14/02/2013 13:29

i say YANBU
he knows you have ASD and therefore should know that it's not a good idea to change plans at the last minute without telling you or warning you it will happen.

he has to give you time to prepare for it.

and the fact that you can't work when there are people to distract you is doubly important.

does he have any idea how your ASD works?!

i don't blame you for being upset.
and he knows how your sleep is affected too!
if he'd told you that he was taking the day of, you could have planned around it, and would probably have got a decent night's sleep knowing you didn't have to worry about him waking.

Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 13:29

oh and when we got together he didn't know about the asd, none of us did. its a fairly recent DX.

OP posts:
Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 13:33

The reason I haven't posted before is because I knew you would all tell me to LTB.

I thought that unfair knowing how difficult I can be. I'm sure I prevoke most of the reactions in him. I know he finds my best friend a threat and doesn't like him much but I don't do anything to reduce the time I spend there for instance.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 14/02/2013 13:33

Your ASD isn't really anything to do with it - well it makes the whole idea of a surprise change worse, but it's not really the issue.

If you didn't have this cake to do and he'd got up ths morning to go to work as normal and you'd gone - happy valentine's day darling, I'm going to follow you to work and watch you all day... He wouldn't have called it a romantic gesture.

He knew you were busy, it was a silly idea to start with.

countrykitten · 14/02/2013 13:37

Well that is the drip feed post of the century. Why are you with him if he is as much of a dick as you make him sound? Not sure I really understand - the tone of your posts has changed a great deal.

Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 13:38

there is such a contrast with him and my friend. for instance I lost my books, when I got them back a few months later my bessie asked if he could borrow them again so he can give them a re-read. DP hasn't bothered to and gets annoyed if I read and start quoting the same bits he has read.

He blames my parents and is always slagging them off , yet with live under there roof.

I love him and dont want to lose him but I dont think he can live with me and my isshooos

OP posts:
Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 13:40

I dont think I wanted to mention the other stuff, but as with all great drip feeds i realised that you cant get a proper look at the situation with a 5 minute snippet of someones day.

I've been wondering what you lot would say for ages, but though maybe all our problems with me being a pita to live with.

OP posts:
Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 13:41

if he'd told you that he was taking the day of, you could have planned around it, and would probably have got a decent night's sleep knowing you didn't have to worry about him waking.

^ this was my very first thought on the matter.

Why didn't he just tell me?

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2013 13:44

Nobody is perfect, Yula but that doesn't mean that anyone warrants being treated badly.

FellatioNels0n · 14/02/2013 13:50

I think the fact that your BF is a bloke might be the reason he stormed off. you spent all day yesterday 'with another man, but today when your DP wanted to be with you, and went out of his way to be able to send time with you as a surprise, you got angry with him and said you had to work.

To be honest, most people would be quite upset about that. He is probably wondering whether you are angry because you had secretly planned to spend more time with your male friend. Try to see it from his POV.

Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 13:55

Fell - Sometimes I wonder if he did this on purpose to ruin any plans I made with my best friend or catch me out making them secretly?

I told best mate not to expect to hear from me today, as it valentines.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 14/02/2013 13:58

did he know you have this cake to do today?

it does sounda bit dodgy with your extra posts, that maybe he wanted to make sure that your work was also jeoardized.

Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 14:01

This will out me now...but I'm not one to be bothered by that stuff.

yesterday was the 10th anniversay of my best friend dad dying and he wanted company. It had been arranged for WEEKS. DP knew this.

Yesterday at 3pm he text me to ask me what I was doing. when I reminded him (again) his reply was 'oh right, nice of you to text me' as if he had NO IDEA what I was doing.

This is what I mean about never knowing what mood he will be in.

I feel like there is pressure on the relationship to succeed. he was a person from my past that came back. When he came back into my life he was living with someone else. He left them to be with me and I think sometimes if I ended it I would have taken everything from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 14:04

I think he knew....there was a chance he could not have taken it in, see previous post.

I dont think he would ever jepordise my work. It is the only thing I do/can do/ am good at (matter of opionion - my cakes are here (shameless plug Grin)

OP posts:
notnagging · 14/02/2013 14:05

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable. It is difficult but you acknowledge your behaviour and you can retrain yourself to react differently after the initial reaction.My son Is starting social therapy next week. Have you Heard of it?There are also some very good books for adults. I know it's not easy but would you have given a cake customer the same reaction if they had changed their mind?

notnagging · 14/02/2013 14:13

But Aspergers can also make you feel like people are getting at you when they are not. It's difficult to know from one side. You may take things people say the wrong way or far too literally. I think you need to find a support group or specialised couples counselling op

Original poster
YulaBaker · 14/02/2013 14:19

Yep, I know if can be very onsided so I try to be fair but somethings just aren't excuseable. Like slagging off my parents, moaning about 100 quid a month rent and then moaning that they buy cheap food and cuts of meat or white bread.

I dont know whether to cut my losses and end it. Like notnagging said

'But Aspergers can also make you feel like people are getting at you when they are not'

So I don't know when I am in the wrong. I have already been in 2 emotionally abusive relationships, make me wonder if its my fault.

OP posts:
BreconBeBuggered · 14/02/2013 14:20

I'm wondering about my own sense of perspective here. It's a normal working day, it's not Christmas or a birthday or anything that might alert you to expect the unexpected. Why wouldn't anyone be pissed off that their plans to get some work done for a deadline would be scuppered by a DP's romantic notion of spending the day together?

ChairmanWow · 14/02/2013 14:26

I can't believe how much stick the OP is getting over this. Being called a harpy! Really?!

Ignoring the fact this is a bit drip feedy, the way I see it you have a few choices, but this situation needs to be dealt with. You both need to talk, not just about today but about each other's needs and understanding. He needs to get a better grasp of how ASD affects you, you need to get a handle on whether he is genuinely being moody (and if so, why) or whether you're just not all that great at reading moods and reactions to stuff. You need to try and form a shared understanding of how this is going to work or make some serious decisions about the future of the relationship.

Also have you explored the possibility of therapy which will help you live better with ASD?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2013 14:27

100 quid a month and he's moaning!!???
That is just amazing.
And they provide food????
You are already thinking about 'cutting your LOSSES'
I think you probably know what you need to do.

PureQuintessence · 14/02/2013 14:29

Kick him out. He sounds a bigger twat with each post.