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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and selfish to be considering this?

30 replies

Pontouf · 14/02/2013 09:23

I am 32+5 with DC2, so fairly unreasonable at the best of times. I had an elective C-section with my first child as he was breech. I am planning a VBAC for this baby when the time comes for sveral reasons. Firstly because i want to experience a normal delivery. I had PND after my son was born and i think this was partly due to my disappointment at having to have a CS and the resulting feelings of having "failed". I also struggled to breastfeed after the CS but persevered and managed it in the end. Also research suggests it is the safest option for me and the baby. However at my last consultant clinic appointment I was warned that the baby is currently measuring on the 80th centile, so a predicted birth weight at term of approximately 9lb 2oz. This measurement is predicted by both a detailed scan at the Fetal Medicine Unit and by measuring the fundal height.

I asked if the fact that the baby is measuring big would affect my chances of a normal delivery. I was told that if the baby went over 95th centile they would strongly recommend an ELCS and to be honest at that point I think i'd be fine with that! The Drs at my hospital seem quite keen for me to attempt a VBAC which I am happy about.

Yesterday I had a bizarre conversation with a colleague at work. I was saying that I was slightly concerned about the baby's size and my ability to birth him/her - I am only 5'1". I was saying it in a slightly jokey "what am I getting myself into?" sort of way. My boss had joked earlier in the day that I'd be fine, that I had good childbearing hips and I'd said it wasn't my bloody hips I was worried about!

I was relaying this chat to my colleague who suddenly got very serious. She said "In all honestly Pontouf I think you'd be crazy not to opt for a CS. The thing is if the baby gets stuck it could end up disabled and you'd be stuck with a disabled child. And the Dads can never cope with that so they fuck off and leave the mum with the disabled kid. I don't really understand why you'd risk that". Shock Shock Shock

I managed to just smile and nod at the time and said that the decision wasn't a firm one and that I'd got another consultant appointment in Monday and that I'd take advice then. Afterwards I felt quite tearful though and although I don't think she is that well informed (and incidentally has no idea what my DH would do if we were to have a child with disabilities!) it has made me wonder if I am being selfish opting for VBAC instead of insisting on a ELCS. If I'm totally honest most of my reasons for going for a VBAC are to do with my health and well being rather than the baby's, although I do think that a normal delivery is safest for the baby too. Just feeling a bit conflicted really as I hadn't really considered the possibility that I was putting my child at risk by my decision. Sad

What would other people do in my situation? Sorry for epic post by the way....

OP posts:
KenLeeeeeee · 14/02/2013 09:26

I really don't know if AIBU is the best place for this. It gets heated in here and you sound like you're in a delicate place just now.

To answer your post though, YANBU to want to investigate the options for a VBAC. I know many, many women who've done this with no complications at all just as I know many women who've had second and subsequent ELCS and been happy with that decision too. It's so, so personal and only your consultant is in a position to advise you of the safest medical route.

Your health and well-being IS a perfectly reasonable thing to consider when choosing how to give birth, so please don't feel selfish for putting that at the front of your mind.

SirBoobAlot · 14/02/2013 09:28

Fucking hell Shock Angry Your colleague is a complete arsehole. Who the hell says that to a pregnant woman?!

I'd go for the VBAC and keep my distance from the idiot. You've done your research. Don't let one uneducated moron put you off. Check out Birth Without Fear if you need some encouraging VBAC stories.

StanleyLambchop · 14/02/2013 09:29

My DC2 was predicted to be a 10lb er when I was checked at 36 weeks. An elective CS was not even mentioned because of this. She popped out 4 weeks later at 7lb 6oz. So the weight predictions are not always reliable. I think only you can make the final judgement, but in your shoes I would probably try the vaginal birth.

TomDudgeon · 14/02/2013 09:37

Big babies don't always have big heads a vice versa
Your colleague is rude and nuts to say that to you
It's perfectly reasonable for you to be looking into a vbac
To counteract her I will say I've had one and it was brilliant

Buzzardbird · 14/02/2013 09:47

Does your colleague have DC's? What a weird thing (and untrue) to say.

My Dsil gave birth to a 10lb'r naturally and she is tiny! Not even a stitch!

Are you sure she wasn't referring to the dark ages when women would squat down behind a bush or something?

purplewithred · 14/02/2013 09:48

I am 5'2" and DD was not only nearly 10lbs but had the shoulders of Arnold Schwartzenegger. She is now at university.

Take your advice from your midwife/doctors/consultant and either avoid your colleague or think up a witty polite and passive aggressive reply that clearly communicates 'f off you rude inconsiderate and ill informed person'.

gordyslovesheep · 14/02/2013 09:50

scan measurements aren't awfully accurate - DD1 measuring on the 90th centile - 7lb 13 - DD2 measuring small - estimated to be 5/6lb - 7bl 6 - don't worry x

Original poster
Pontouf · 14/02/2013 09:56

Thanks for the replies. Yes I though that SirBoobAlot, bit bloody insensitive really even if the intention was good. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt! She has only had one child and had an ELCS. I think people forget that there are risks with ELCS too. Not only to the mother but to the baby as well.

Yes Stanley, I've met a few people who were told to expect a 9/10lber who ended up with a perfectly average sized baby. Also it is only the baby's abdomen circumference that is measuring large, the head is a fairly average size.

OP posts:
Groovee · 14/02/2013 09:59

I'd go with what your medical team advise and not what an ignorant colleague says.

ChiefOwl · 14/02/2013 09:59

I have to say from the other end of the spectrum, being small and having had (first) baby that got stuck with shoulder dystochia and had to be resusiitated, It was absolutely horrific.

I'll spare you the details, but I would say that if you had already had a natural birth you would know how your body can cope, you are going into this not knowing how your body handles vb. You can ask them to scan the baby and measure head dimensions. Just be open to all options...

You can pm me and I will give you more details

valiumredhead · 14/02/2013 10:01

Your medical team would not advise a vaginal birth if there was any truth in what your friend said.

She's been watching too much Call the Midwife - makes everyone an expert Wink

Original poster
Pontouf · 14/02/2013 10:04

Ooh cross posted with a few people. Feel a bit reassured now! It's just that before talking to her I felt really confident in my decision to go for a VBAC and now I'm waivering.

I had heard that the scans aren't that accurate but the fundal height is measuring the same. Having said that, I have always carried weight on my tummy and have a bit of an overhang courtesy of the Caesarian scar - lovely! Also I was told at the scan that there was a lot of fluid - which I think is right, it is quite difficult to identify the baby's body parts when i feel my tummy because of the fluid. I am only short as I said, but I am not really that petite if you see what I mean? I have broad hands, size 5 feet and am quite broad of frame.

OP posts:
SoYo · 14/02/2013 10:07

The only evidence for increased risk of shoulder dystocia is for babies estimated above 4.5kg which is the 95th centile your Dr has mentioned. Lots of people push out big babies with no problems at all. If your labour was t progressing normally or baby wasn't coming down into the pelvis as they would expect they would have a low threshold for suggesting section at this point but there's no reason to expect it currently.

As for estimated fetal weight this accurate to 25% either way so as people have already mentioned it's often very wrong and is a poor screening test (but just happend to be the most accurate available to us unfortunately).

You are certainly not being selfish or unreasonable in your wish for a VBAC, you're choosing what seems at this current time with your current information to be the best thing for you and your baba.

Tell your colleague to do one!

diddl · 14/02/2013 10:08

I´m 5ft I was being scanned due to placenta praevia.

Was told baby would be "big for me"-whatever that means.
(I´m short but not skinny/narrow iyswim)

Baby was 2.3kgs!!!

Original poster
Pontouf · 14/02/2013 10:10

Thanks ChiefOwl, was your DC ok? Were there any lasting effects? Sorry to hear you had a horrible time. I realise that I don't know how my body will deal with labour and that does concern me, but I suppose I am the same as any woman who has never had a vaginal birth (ie a first timer) except that I have a scar on my uterus too. Was your baby large?

OP posts:
ChiefOwl · 14/02/2013 10:11

SoYo - My baby was below 4kg, can't remember exact weight in kg

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2013 10:13

Well I think your colleague is an idiot. Who says such things???

I think you should just see how things develop and what the consultants recommend, there is still a lot of time left.

Personally, I would be a little concerned that the reasons you gave for VBAC is 'firstly because I want a normal delivery'. I think your 'firstly' should be whatever is safest for both you and the baby, and you should really try to get rid of these feelings that a CS is a failure. You haven't failed at all!!! It's just bad luck really.

See how it goes with the scans. It's true that any one scan is not terribly accurate, but for example I had three scans in the last trimester that all showed the same thing, which is apparently much more convincing.

ChiefOwl · 14/02/2013 10:15

8lb 12 delivered, yes she is ok :) ....tbh it was me that was left in a mess (mentally and physically). I do feel with hindsight (which is lovely!!) I should have stopped and ask for a cs but we trusted what they were telling us... The used ventouse/forceps anyway but it was when her head was delivered that the real problems started. I don't think they had even realised she was back to back. I do feel the the medical care I recieved was shocking. They had even done a measurement scan at 38wks and induced me at term.

I was then told that I should never have another baby naturally! Had the most wondering amazing elcs with my second!!

Spatsky · 14/02/2013 10:15

Just to ditto what others have said.

I had a friend with scans saying she was going to have a 10lber - he was 8.

Also large not necessarilly harder. My 7lber got into some trouble but my 9lber slipped out.

Also weight might be bulk but might also be length. my 9lber was so long she couldn't be plotted on the chart in the red book but wasn't particularly wide.

There are so many variables here.

All that anecdotal stuff aside, your colleague needs to shut her trap because she's talking utter nonsense, and what a time to say it to you!! You still have time to monitor the situation re baby size and I would pay more attention to what the medical professionals say than random doom-monger colleague.

5madthings · 14/02/2013 10:18

What a horrible thing to say to anyone, pregnant or not!

Size predictions are not that accurate... My small babies were ..9lb+... Ds4 was 10lb 13oz and his head circumfetence was off the chart. I am 5 2 with size 4 feet and petite. So your size doesnt mean you can birth a big baby.

Position of the baby is important so.if you want to feel like you are doing something positive encourage the baby into a good position ie not back to back.

Original poster
Pontouf · 14/02/2013 10:24

Thanks to everyone. I am only 32+5 so still have plenty of time to make a definite decision. I will take all (well informed) advice and see how things go.

I do know that a CS isn't indicative of failure. I think I have come to terms with my feelings about that now for the most part. It just really really wasn't what I wanted at the time (hippy earth mother wannabe). I put a lot of pressure on myself last time to do every right and will try to be more open to suggestions this time. I have a wonderful amazing DS and that is what is most important. Will see how things go with the consultant on Monday. I guess one of the things about having a previous Caesarian is that I am likely to be closely monitored during labour so any problems will hopefully be picked up early on.

OP posts:
ChiefOwl · 14/02/2013 10:25

I'd wanted a water birth! I can look back and laugh now (trust me tht took a long time!)

AnnieLobeseder · 14/02/2013 10:29

If you were stubbornly flying in the face of advice from the medical professionals looking after you, then your rude colleague may have had a point. However, you are following their advice, and hence planning to do what is best for both you and your baby.

I would avoid her if you can.

theminky · 14/02/2013 10:38

I was sure that VBAC was the right choice when I was having my DS3, I had DS1 naturally and DS2 was ELCS as he was breech. I also had PND after the birth of DS2 and felt that VBAC was the more 'natural' option and that I would be home with my older sons sooner. To cut a long story short the birth was a nightmare. DS3 went straight to NICU as he wasn't breathing properly after a 24 hour labour ending in an assisted delivery and I ended up having a major PPH requiring a spinal block so that I could have surgery to stop the bleeding. I needed a blood transfusion and we spent 7 nights in hospital, but to be honest I just felt lucky that DS3 was OK and that I was still alive and hadn't needed the hysterectomy I had to sign to say I would accept if they couldn't stop the bleeding. I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with my DC4 and have opted for ELCS this time!

DeWe · 14/02/2013 11:29

If the doctors are happy, they know more about you and ladies of your size birthing than your collegue.
And if you are in labour and they realise it's going to become a problem then they can change their mind.

I've known plenty of ladies your size that have had normal deliveries-and some ladies much taller that have had huge problems.

What's your shoe size? One person told me that the shoe size gives an idea how big the pelvis is, although that might be an old wives' tale.