to want a 2nd baby?

[LUCKYLOSER]

Background. We have a 7 yr old DS. After I had our DS, I had very bad PND which took years to improve and to be honest still have my bad days. My DH found the whole baby years the worst of his life- they were mine too! We both agreed no more kids. ever.

A couple of months ago I came off the pill as it didnt suit me and I'd had enough. Told DH, he had no problem with this and understood and he also understood we would have to find a different contraception.

Since coming off the pill I feel SO much better in myself, much calmer, less moody, happier, sex drive through the roof.... all good stuff.

However Ive realised that I want a baby. Its all I think about. This has only started (I think) since coming off the pill. This is sudden and a total turn around. Since DH and I have had conversations about how to sort contraception, I have spoken to DH about how I feel. He is shocked and in no way understands. He is 99% sure he does NOT want anymore. (I should add that we are using withdrawal method as he wont use condoms)

DH refuses to outright say no to me and to get the snip as he feels this is agaist my wishes and would be wrong, but I feel by not saying a flay no, there is hope but Im 34 and time is not on my side.

I cant explain my change in heart, I just feel ready! I feel I could cope and would put things in place with gp to protect agaist PND etc. I feel I can enjoy it this time. DH even blamed work at one point which I think is total rubbish, his business partner has three kids, a mate of his has three kids in same business. Im devastated. I have to live with this now.

After discussing last night I was upset and went and sat in bedroom, I felt numb. DH came in hugged me and said " dont get upset, you have nothing to be upset about" . sorry so long and ramble any thoughts welcome.

He won't use condoms? But doesn't want another baby? Well he needs to read a book or something. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

There are a few issues. Firstly, if you and your DH are still having sex and he refuses to use condoms then he needs to accept that there is a relatively high chance that you will get pregnant. The withdrawal method is extremely unreliable. You need to explain that and tell him if he doesn't want a baby then you need to abstain or use condoms. No two ways about it.

Secondly, unfortunately, you can't force someone into having a baby. So the thing you have to face is the prospect that if you stay with your DH you will never have another child. He might change his mind, he might not, but you have to assume he won't. Is your relationship with your DH good enough to warrant giving up on the desire for a second baby?

Thirdly, your DH has no right to tell you "you have nothing to be upset about," because you have plenty to be upset about, but it's probably just one of those stupid things people say when faced with someone who's sad. Perhaps he doesn't understand just how much this is bothering you and you need to explain it to him a bit more clearly (without insisting he gives you what you want).

How supportive was he when your DS was born?

You are not unreasonable to want another baby and he is not unreasonable for not wanting one.

However, him refusing to use condoms or get the snip and opting to use the withdrawal method doesn't really sound sustainable. If he is that sure he doesn't want another child then he needs to grow up about using condoms. If he makes the choice not to use them then there may very well be another pregnancy.

You'll be the one who ends up having to make all of the hard decisions and deal with him not wanting another despite the fact that he took no steps to ensure that you were having safe sex. It's very unfair on you. You'll get the "blame" for the pregnancy/breaking up the relationship/choosing not to abort etc. It's not enough for him to be 99% sure he doesn't want another baby and then happily carry on having sex without protection, as it leaves you in a potentially dire situation.

CailinDana- Ive explained the risks. DH said its a low risk! I said Its a risk full stop which could put us in a difficult position. I asked how he would feel if i fell pregannt and he said we'd cope.
I would never force a child on him, totally on board with that. Our realtionship is good, but starting to doubt that over how selfish i feel he is being... He knows how i feel he just does not understand them!

Your H is being an arse to have a go at you when he is refusing to use condoms. Contraception is both of your responsibility.

Also worth noting that hormonal contraception is notorious for being linked to depression. You don't say how long you were on it for, but worth considering that it certainly may have enhanced how much you were struggling.

And he is also being a prick for telling you not to be upset.

However, you can't force someone in to having a baby, though if he is using the withdrawal method, you're playing with fire, tbh. And if you do fall pregnant, he is bound to blame you.

Cartedoff- completely agree and I have told him all of that! I told him to man up and get the snip that way i can at least try and move on from the possiblity. To be fair I have allowed the withdrawal method-mainly im so bloody horny lol but also hope of poss happy (and not so happy) accident...i know naughty!!

Ok, your DH is being a total idiot and you have to put your foot down about this. He is basically saying "I don't want a child but I'm not going to do anything about stopping it happening" which is crazy and is bound to put you on edge. You need to sit down together, very soon, and make a firm decision about this and I would advise you to refuse sex until a decision is made. Otherwise you could find yourself in the terrible position of being pregnant while feeling that your DH doesn't want it. He is messing around with your feelings and it has to stop.

"The withdrawal method is extremely unreliable."

It is only slightly more unreliable than condoms (18% of women would get pregnant within a year using the withdrawal method compared to 17% using condoms).

However, if he is very sure he doesn't want another baby, he really needs to be using a much more reliable method than either the withdrawal method or condoms.

Bartlet, condoms are 98% effective when used correctly while withdrawal is between 82% and 96% effective.

He wants to have his cake and eat it - he won't back down for backing downs sake. I am guessing he wouldn't actually mind that much if you got pregnant, but then it would be 'an accident' so he wouldn't have to change the mindset you have both had through all the PND etc. I do think human beings have a big inertia when it comes to these things. I might compare it to the years of youth I spent trying NOT to get pregnant: changing your mind the other way is a big switch - 'not really making a decision in the hope that its made for you' is a very human reaction to that...

Its worth thinking about how different each pregnancy, child, and parents are (you are not the same person you were seven years ago - that's a long time). Is there a real reason to expect to get PND again?

Well if he says on the one hand that he emphatically doesn't want another baby but on the other hand that you both "would cope" if you did get pregnant by accident......then there is a bit of a contradiction there and I can understand your frustration. I also suffered from PND and said never again and then a couple of years later was as keen as you are, I know how you feel.

cherrie, how do you explain the change in heart. My dh cant understand the complete u-turn and I just cant explain it! I know what your saying about a contradition I sence that too.

Youllneed fish, I know what you mean about making the decision and having an accident, ive had that trail of thought myself but I thought its just wishful thinking on my part then ive come down to earth with a bump after a conversation about this.

I cant second guess him, i cant make the decision for him....and he wont make a firm decision...and we both want different outcomes...

I wish i could make names bold sorry, first time on here..

CailinDana, "Bartlet, condoms are 98% effective when used correctly while withdrawal is between 82% and 96% effective."

Not the case. You are getting confused between perfect and typical use.

Third time I have posted this in a week!

Studies show that the withdrawal method is only slightly less effective than using condoms (18% of women will become pregnant within a year using the withdrawal method typically (4% perfect use) compared to 17% of women using condoms alone (2% perfect use))

www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

Neither method should be relied upon if you are very sure you don't want to get pregnant and every single contraceptive method can fail.

Isn't the "perfect" caveat true for all contraception Bartlet? What's the reliability of the pill with "typical" use?

FWIW condoms alone have worked for DH and me for 11 years. Not that that means much, but I would still prefer to use them than withdrawal.

Failure rate of the pill:

Perfect: 0.3%
Typical: 8%

Nice explanation of the difference between perfect and typical rate here

Should have clarified is that the failure rate is defined as the percentage of women becoming pregnant within the first year of use.

Have had a chat again with DH (he wanted to check I was ok), he still does not understand why I have changed my mind (neither do I!) and I said he was putting me/us in a difficult position as things were so he said we will abstain... Not the result I wanted but hey ho! should be an interesting three day weekend- ds at DM's for night...

DH is mad at me as he thinks this has come between us and im blaming him for everything. Actually Im more mad at how he has handled all this.
I mentioned his comment last night, about how ive "nothing to be upset about" and today he said I dont and what we do have is great, i explained that im not ungrateful for what we do havet just cos i want another.

bangs head against wall

Your DH really isn't being fair. You are entitled to change your mind, just as he is entitled to say no. Neither of you has to have a rock solid reason for feeling the way you do, all that matters is that you reach an agreement. And that's where your DH is being shitty - he's saying no to a baby but also no to reliable contraception. He can't have it both ways.

Do you think the abstaining thing is just a sulky reaction from him Lucky? Do you think he's just trying to push you into changing your mind?

Cailin Dana- He's not a sulker but he is big on getting decision made so he no longer has to stress about them. This is more about the decision itself and taking the risk out I think.

DH still mantains that the snip would be wrong if its not what i want, even if hes 99% sure he dosent want another...not sure i follow that logic, he thinks its a joint decision- which it is but if hes that sure why risk it? Id be upset possibly resentful of some level but at least we dont have an accident and i can give up on hope of an accident which would im sure cause some fall out later on.

I think Ive come to realise he's just not the guy who copes well. There will always be some reason cos he just dosent want to go down the road. So how do i accept that and move on.....? Im gutted and of course that makes DH feel bad so he gets shirty and defensive with me.

He says he loves me but clearly not enough.

I think a really serious discussion is called for, where you both lay your cards on the table. I'm getting the impression that your DH might actually be ok with having another baby, deep down, but is terrified you'll end up ill again. What do you think?

The long and short of it is, abstinence isn't a solution, unless you're going to do without sex for the rest of your marriage. So you have to reach some other decision.

I think you need to make it clearer to him how much this is bothering you, as I don't think he gets it.

Forget about the snip I think, it sounds like he just doesn't want that.

Well abstinence lasted all of eight hours!! His comment appears to have been forgotten...

CailinDana, I think your right about the snip though I think he is scared as he has heard horror stories. (men!) try giving birth!

I think this subject needs time so he can think and mull over. my thinking is if it happens in the mean time- i warned him and he knows how it works with regards to preventing a pregnancy so grow the fuck up.

thanks everyone

I don't think he's going about it the right way, but if my DP had said no baby for 7 years and then changed mind, I think I would be caught on the back foot too. It's pretty obvious that the pill doesn't work for you- how about a diaphragm? Maybe suggest 6 months of you both ' considering' the possibility of another baby with no pressure and see how you both feel then?

natural, Id had a similar thought, i was thinking end of this summer...after a good holiday and see where we are at then. Give DH time to mull over without the constant upset of the conversations. give him some space i guess.

I have to say I still think it's shite that he's still not said he's ok with another baby yet he's expecting you to sort out contraception. I would be mightily pissed off about that.