To think this baby shower invitation is grabby as fuck?

[ENormaSnob]

Friend is having dc4.

Invited to baby shower, nice cafe type place, £10pp payable on the day.

Friend doesn't want presents and instead has asked everyone to contribute towards one big item.

The only saving grace is she hasn't done it in poem format.

Am not going.

Aibu to think this is just cheeky and grabby?

Friend has no connection to any culture or country where this is the norm.

[KC225]

My friend did a surprise baby shower for her younger unemployed sister who was dumped by her boyfriend before the 12 week scan. She invited university friends and people she hadn't seen for a while. She hired a draughty church hall and provided sandwiches, cakes and soft drinks. Yes, we all brought gifts and she got loads and loads of stuff that she really needed. We had a great time - played silly games and gave her our best tips. My friend said it was the first time she had seen her sister laugh for months. It didn't feel at all grabby - I thought it was a great idea for someone who needed 'help' and a pick me up

[HoneyStepMummy]

I live in the US where baby showers are a tradition. The whole idea is to 'shower' the baby with gifts so yes, the whole thing is a bit grabby. On the other hand I have been to some really lovely showers for people I like. It's a nice way to wish the Mother to be luck and give something for the baby.
However, once you give something at the shower you don't give another gift when the baby is born. Also, I've never heard of a shower where the guests pay their way. It's usually hosted and paid for by someone close to the Mother to be. Unlike a wedding or Christening giving money is not the norm and never mandatory. It's usually just very close friends and family who chip in and buy the bigger gifts.
BTW at Italian American dos you sort of pay for your plate since they go all out. It's not unusual to give a cash gift of $150 per person to a bride and groom.
Writing twee poems asking for cash is always wrong and very tacky. So YANBU.

[gwenniebee]

I think baby showers are grabby full stop, especially if organised by the mother to be. When they're organised secretly for the mother it's less grabby, but still strange, imo.

[notmyproblem]

Pretty funny to read all the American-culture-bashing (and what the OP describes is precisely NOT what happens in the USA at baby showers anyway) from a culture who thinks nothing of being expected to spend hundreds to go on various elaborate stag/hen dos over the course of their adult lives.

Oh wait, I guess it's different if you're paying for yourself and others to travel somewhere and get pissed for a few days on the trot.... but £10 for a mother-to-be at an American-style baby shower is "grabby".

[PickledInAPearTree]

It is grabby to ask your friends to pay a tenner to come to your party and give you money on top.

And it has nothing to do with America.

And you have hen and stag parties there too.

[SwedishEdith]

Oh, extortionate stag and hen dos get slagged off on here as well.

[PickledInAPearTree]

Crikey have you READ the wedding threads on here?

Poor bride gets a kicking every time.

[ENormaSnob]

I don't attend expensive hen dos either.

Already said friend has no cultural ties to a baby shower.

Judging by other peoples accounts, this wouldn't be acceptable in America either.

So yeah, I reckon requesting a tenner for some cake and a brew, then expecting cash gifts only is grabby as fuck.

[Ariel21]

Any excuse for a party, I say. I'd be delighted if my friends were kind enough to organise some kind of 'pre-baby shindig'. This is naturally a good opportunity to give gifts, and of everyone wanted to chip in to buy me something then that's very kind. But I wouldn't ask for it, nor would
I dictate what people should donate if I were the friend in charge of organising. I think this is in lieu of gifts when the baby arrives - not as well as.

[perceptionreality]

Ewww, I hate this sort of thing. Come and see me so you can give me stuff, gimme gimme gimme.

It's so crass and such bad manners - who the hell do some people actually think they are? I don't blame you for not going - I would not go either!

And this is dc4? Shouldn't she have got over the idea that the world revolves around her because she's having a baby by now??

[fluffypillow]

She may as well have put...........I'm pregnant, now give me money

Really tacky.

[theoldtrout01876]

Here in the birth place of baby showers :o .They are for first baby only. You dont get one for any other baby,at least no one I know has except me

I had dd2 after a big gap new husband. I worked in a very small place ,4 of us (I didnt know any of them in my previous life). They threw me a shower,just us.Was nice but I was mortified cos Dd2 was my 4th

[KatieMiddleton]

What is the large item? Is it some sort of contraption for ferrying 4 children at once? Or just a wheel barrow to shovel in all her grabby loot?

A shower for a fourth baby!! I am astounded unless it was a surprise

[saladcreamwitheverything]

I am very :-0 to think I missed out on a get together and prezzies. And they call themselves friends

[MusicalEndorphins]

You have been doing your best, scraping together money for your own expected baby, and it sounds like you can't afford to be throwing money around for something like this. You're not obligated to attend. I skipped a few showers in my time because I couldn't afford a gift. :)

[MusicalEndorphins]

Teapot

[vvviola]

My friends threw me a shower for DC1, total surprise. In any case it was more of a "lets get pissed on Vi's behalf seeing as she can't". They all clubbed together for a small gift (changing bag & a few babygros), told "hilarious" stories about how embarrassed they were to be seen buying baby stuff, and we all had a generally lovely time.

I went into labour 2 hours after I went home (leaving the girls with the instructions to continue the party on my behalf). I think DD1 arrived before the last of the partiers had gone home

[valiumredhead]

Considering it is her 4th it sounds sensible, she probably has most things and doesn't want to double up on things.

[Hersetta]

I think all baby showers are a bit grabby to be honest. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than have one or go to one. Why aren't people satisfied with a small gift after the bay has arrived anymore? YANBU

[Teapot13]

Just to be clear -- I wasn't criticising anyone for doing baby showers differently than we do in America. I think it sounds lovely when a mother-to-be invites girlfriends over for an evening together before a baby is born, or men are included, etc.

I just don't like it when grabby parties that violate every rule of baby shower etiquette are described on MN as "American."

[INeedThatForkOff]

I was n't invited but that's another thread to afternoon tea in a posh hotel 25 miles away, not close to mother or guests, at £17 p/h, with the option to buy a bottle of Champagne.

Uh, no.

[HotSoupDumpling]

Grabby McGrabster!

That is my scientific analysis.

Once went to a baby shower featuring a department store gift list and an injunction that if we were to go off-list, big gifts should be sent directly to the house and not brought to the shower... as they'd be difficult to carry home. Very practical, yes, but also bloomin presumptuous.

[HotSoupDumpling]

P.S. And the couple were quite well-off!

[DeWe]

To me it would slightly depend on how close the friend is and what the one off big item was.
If it was say something that they would use, the mother has always longed for, say, a real Silver Cross pram, I might donate, if they didn't put me under any pressure to donate.
If it was a new car/holiday/something that they'd need anyway. iId probably avoid.

[fuzzypicklehead]

It really annoys me when baby showers are turned into a big commercial thing. It's not supposed to be about gifts! It's supposed to be an opportunity for women to gather and share their excitement and wisdom with the mum-to-be, play games, eat food and share stories. It's a lovely tradition, but people over here seem to ignore all the sentiment and just focus on presents.

Sure, in the US people might give the new mum a cute keepsake for the baby or some nice smellies to pack in the hospital bag--because it's thoughtful not because they're expected to furnish the baby's nursery.

But lots of baby showers I've been to in the states are "bring & share" type parties where you cook a dish for the party and a dish for the new mum's freezer to help out in the early days, especially if it's a second or subsequent child.

I'm all for baby showers, when they're about women supporting each other--but the "gimmie gimmie's" just make me sad.