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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just a wee bit low. would any nice mumsnetters answer me please?

64 replies

iloveitalia · 13/02/2013 20:20

This is my first post ever. AIBU to conclude that once you have children your own needs get ignored? My first dc was born 6 months ago after three ivf attempts.I love her to pieces. Since having her and being on maternity leave, I have taken on the vast majority of the housework, cooking and shopping. Generally, I don' t mind this as I like taking care of my home and family; but have recently started to feel quite tired and run down ( am ebf and dd does not sleep well). Dh seems oblivious to this and has become very used to the fact that I' m doing almost everything at home. I feel taken for granted, I suppose. My father is dead and mum very ill with dementia, so I have nowhere to go for a bit of parental support. I really miss them, and wish that they could have met their lovely granddaughter. Sorry, just needed a moan. Thanks in advance to anyone who answers this

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 13/02/2013 20:25

Poor thing. Your DD is still very young, and the reality of parenthood after the longing of ivf can be a bit of a shock! Tell your DH very calmly that you're feeling a bit unappreciated and tell him what you need him to do, then lavish him with appreciatin when he does it.

Also, give yourself a break, she is very new still

SconeInSixtySeconds · 13/02/2013 20:25

Have an enormous squidge, Italia. Sounds like you need to come and join the nest of vipers and learn to say "oi!" V.loudly to your dh.

Have a read of the feminism boards, come and have a chat on er.. _chat, generally use us like a group of friends down the pub. Have a rant (but be prepared to be told to Leave The Bastard if it sounds warranted) and a laugh.

(Squidge)

ChristmasJubilee · 13/02/2013 20:27

Congratulations on your lovely dd. I'm sorry you are feeling down it can be really hard work bringing up children. You need to speak to dh, he may not realise that you are struggling. If you are bf then he can't do that but could take her downstairs in the morning after her feed to let you have a long lie or take her in the afternoon at weekends to let you have a nap?

ChaChaDigregorio · 13/02/2013 20:27

Personally found being a mum a bit rubbish until she could talk and be reasoned with, felt I was getting very little back. Can also empathise with having a thought time otherwise as DP was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks before DD was conceived so he went through treatment during my pregnancy and her first few months. It's really hard when you feel like everyone needs you and you get so little back. I categorically promise it gets better. I hated that everyone else seemed blissfully happy with their child and I was stressed, miserable and sleep deprived with very little support. Turns out half of the buggers were feeling the same but didn't want to say. Was only when I spoke out about it that they said they felt the same. Nowadays my DD is my best mate and life is SO Much better. Hang onion there.i promise you're not alone.

CruCru · 13/02/2013 20:27

Be kind to yourself. People don't realise how hard it is looking after small children.

Could you afford some childcare? Perhaps a childminder for a morning or a mothers help to give you an extra hand.

Perhaps your DH could take on one of your jobs (my DH does quite a lot of the cooking). Also put some money M&Ss way, don't cook everything from scratch.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 13/02/2013 20:27

Oh, and don't whatever you do use AIBU while feeling delicate or sensitive, it is asking for trouble.

Fancy a biscuit? Or some Wine ?

ChaChaDigregorio · 13/02/2013 20:28

Don't hang onions. Hang on in there!

eslteacher · 13/02/2013 20:29

Oh, I'm so so sorry iloveitalia. Your post makes me feel so sad. I don't often wish to hug strangers, but in this case I do.

It must be horrible to want your mum and dad, and not be able to have them. I really feel for you. I dread the day I lose my parents.

I think you have to speak to your DH. Not necessarily in a confrontational way, but you have to let him know you are feeling low and need some extra support right now. That's his job.

I really wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon.

DixieD · 13/02/2013 20:29

You poor thing. It is tough with your first. Such a dramatic change. Talk to your DH about how you feel. Make sure you are not taking on too much. Are you both getting equal amounts of leisure time?
If you are going back to work you need to be clear with DH about expectations re housework. I have seen many women fall into the trap of doing everything on mat leave and struggling to get their DH to pitch in once they go back.
I am sorry about your folks. Have you any siblings /close friends you can talk to? If they are parents they will understand if you tell them you are finding it tough. We've all had bad times.

Snusmumriken · 13/02/2013 20:30

Poor you, the first few months with a baby can be very draining. It sounds like you are taking on much too much work at the moment. Why don't you tell your DH how you are feeling and give him a detailed list of chores that you would like him to take over.

Good luck!

Elesbe · 13/02/2013 20:30

Things will get better. You have a beautiful DD. Absolutely agree with hermione especially the bit about calm communication! Good luck and try to enjoy your special time with your DD.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 13/02/2013 20:30

Oh, you' re all so lovely. I' m smiling already! Thank you.

OP posts:
SconeInSixtySeconds · 13/02/2013 20:30

I can empathise with the exhaustion of those early days, and with the fact that almost every other bugger lied found it easier than I did.

I think some straight talking with your dh may be in order, and although he should know, telling him calmly what you would like him to do can't hurt.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 13/02/2013 20:32

One day I will learn to rtft. Sorry cross posted with lots of other posters Blush

youmeatsix · 13/02/2013 20:32

I think we all have a pre-conceived notion of how wonderful motherhood will be, and we will suddenly turn into a domestic goddess, instead we are bleary eyed, dishes piled up and are lucky if we drag a brush through our own hair. You need to speak to hubby, explain how you are feeling, and voice your expectations and what would make life easier for you
it does get easier, honestly, but we all need a helping hand sometime
i hope things improve soon

PoppyWearer · 13/02/2013 20:33

Aww, you poor thing.

Have a word with your DH, try to nip it in the bud now before this becomes habit. If you go back to work, you can't be shouldering all of the housework alone.

Are you still breastfeeding? That can make it difficult for dads to feel "useful". Hopefully you can start introducing solids soon - and then your DH should be put firmly in charge of her mealtimes when he's around as "bonding" time. Ditto bath times! Whilst you drink wine and read a mag "cook dinner".

SarahJinx · 13/02/2013 20:34

Its a bloody tough gig! Lonely, isolated,anxious, shattered...particularly without your lovely folks to lean on. Talk to DH, I think sometimes, especially after a long period of ttc and the expectation of hearts and flowers to come, they retreat a bit, tell him you need him.

It does get easier, tiredness of the first 9 months is awful bit unavoidable, it does get easier x

Rangirl · 13/02/2013 20:34

I think it's quite common to feel a bit like this at this stage ,the initial euphoria has worn off and the daily routine is in place This time of year does not help either ! Although always worth a chat with H V / GP if you think it might be PND You have probably being nesting away doing everything quite happily in the baby bubble phase and your husband has got used to it (as most would !) Speak to him tell him how you feel and I am sure you will get back on an even keel Plan a day out with the girls Or even just a trip to the hairdresser and let DH get on with it My DS was very much longed for after a devastating loss but I always say my DH and I argued more in the first 6 months than ever did before or after Hugs to you and good luck

Coconutty · 13/02/2013 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taffeta · 13/02/2013 20:38

Squidge from me, so sorry you don't have your parents there for you.

First baby, first year are hard, and yes your needs do get forgotten. It's your job to make sure they are not lost. You need to fight for them!

I wish I'd known about MN when I had my first. This is a great place for support, advice and whingeing as necessary.

Be kind to yourself, make time for yourself - get your DH more on board - surround yourself with people that help and make you feel good about yourself.

HerbyVore · 13/02/2013 20:38

Oh you poor love!

Enjoy your baby, - ebf is just wonderful but a little mixing wouldn't harm her if it would help you, - make the whole experience better, truly.

You have done fabulously well to ebf to 6months, - give yourself a bit of leeway - doesn't mean you have to stop.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 13/02/2013 20:43

Yup mix feeding if she will take it will be good. But don't use it as a rod to beat yourself with if she turns out to be a bottle refuser (like my dd)

Stinkyminkymoo · 13/02/2013 20:45

I could have written your post. My dd is the same age and my DH seems to think I sit around doing nothing.

If he has the baby for a few hours he almost has a meltdown if she cries. No advice for you, but your certainly not alone Hmm

Congratulations on your dd, Smile

permaquandry · 13/02/2013 20:52

Ah, I feel for you. It really does get easier as they get older and whilst my dh is wonderful, most of the home/baby duties fell to me. I EBF too for over a year, so he couldn't even help with that. I do feel also that I 'allowed' him to get away with not doing too much for our babies as I felt so responsible and didn't give him enough credit to get it right (I'm not saying that is was your doing, though). I look back and realise how wrong I was.

With my dh, I've finally worked out (after nearly 16 yrs) that I actually have to spell it out to him before he realises what I need/would like/he should do!

Sqidge from me too, I have definitely been there, come and chat one here and you'll find many, many people are going through what you are. Have some chocolate too, it's a mood enhancer, in fact I'm off to have some whole nut in your honour.

permaquandry · 13/02/2013 21:03

Sorry, I meant to say that I'm so sorry your dad has passed on and that dealing with your mum's dementia must be incredibly difficult and painful too. It's a very cruel disease, not least for the relatives. How is she day to day? May I ask what type she has and is it early stages? Please don't answer if you'd rather not talk about it.

My dad died way before my kids came along I feel sad that he never knew them. I talk about him a lot though and have pictures.

Have another squidge and another bit of chocolate (I will too Wink)

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