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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Just a wee bit low. would any nice mumsnetters answer me please?

64 replies

iloveitalia · 13/02/2013 20:20

This is my first post ever. AIBU to conclude that once you have children your own needs get ignored? My first dc was born 6 months ago after three ivf attempts.I love her to pieces. Since having her and being on maternity leave, I have taken on the vast majority of the housework, cooking and shopping. Generally, I don' t mind this as I like taking care of my home and family; but have recently started to feel quite tired and run down ( am ebf and dd does not sleep well). Dh seems oblivious to this and has become very used to the fact that I' m doing almost everything at home. I feel taken for granted, I suppose. My father is dead and mum very ill with dementia, so I have nowhere to go for a bit of parental support. I really miss them, and wish that they could have met their lovely granddaughter. Sorry, just needed a moan. Thanks in advance to anyone who answers this

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveitalia · 13/02/2013 21:09

Just nipping in quickly to thank you all for your support. It' s really helping. Just had a wee cry with dh. He was very nice and is now cooking dinner!

OP posts:
Snusmumriken · 13/02/2013 21:14

Ah, I'm glad you feel better!

NightmareWalking · 13/02/2013 21:17

Congratulations on your DD ilove!

My DD is nearly the same age and something I've found that helps me is not to stress about the things that don't get done - take a day sometimes to sit and cuddle your baby and sod the housework - & make it clear to you DH you expect him to pitch in!

Hugs to you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/02/2013 21:21

Too late to offer any help this time but this is a great place to come and offload, don't be a hero! Speak up when you feel down. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

NewYearsEvelyn · 13/02/2013 21:29

I think the pressure to find everything perfect when you've battled so hard to have a baby in the first place is huge. It hits everyone at some point that parenting is hard...really, really hard! I went back to work when dd was 14 weeks old, after I'd been trying for children for 6 years, having 3 mcs, I finally had the baby I wanted and I had to go back to work. I was part time, so I know I was lucky, but it was still a lot to take on. I felt like I was failing at work, as I couldn't just stay over at the drop of a hat to finish tasks; I felt like I was failing at home, cos the house was a constant mess, and I felt like I was a failure at being a mum, cos I wasn't with my child 3 days out of 7. My DH was supportive, I had his family on the doorstep, but it was still tough.

Give yourself a break, mentally at least. You are a mum, not superwoman. You're allowed to be down, especially as you have parental caring duties too. Double whammy! Have an un-mumsnet type hug from someone who really isn't dreadfully hugging.

NewYearsEvelyn · 13/02/2013 21:29

That was meant to say huggy...apologies...

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 13/02/2013 21:35

Tbh Italia Some men are bloody clueless, sometimes all it takes is to just tell him, some do understand. Give DD to Hubby and get in the bath, it helps to just be alone for 10 minutes.

yummumto3girls · 13/02/2013 21:46

I echo what everyone else says, sorry you are feeling low. I would say don't feel you have to be the perfect domestic goddess, you don't have to spend your days at home doing chores. It helps to get out together, mother and toddler groups etc it will give you a change if scenery and help build up a support network for you in the absence of family. My mum died whilst I was pregnant with DD1, dad a few years earlier. It's bloody tough but we have developed in to our own little support system and you will to, and your mum will be proud of you.

socharlottet · 13/02/2013 22:12

EBF a 6 month old baby is exhausting in itself! Think how much energy the body muist use in meeting the nutritional requirements of a 6m old child.Once she becomes more reliant on food, you will start to feel better.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 13/02/2013 23:00

Perma- just to answer your question about my mum, she has Alzheimer' s and it's very advanced. She' s in a home now as she needs 24 hour care, she can't move, is incontinent, needs spoon fed, etc. She' s been like this for over te years now. I really appreciate your kind response.

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permaquandry · 13/02/2013 23:14

Well my heart really does go out to you. It's so cruel, I know there's a lot going to try to raise awareness of this disease but I don't think many people realise just how hideous it is (hopefully that's because they aren't touched by it). I guess you have to focus on the wonderful memories you have of your mum. I know it must be so painful for you, do you get to see her much?

You have a lot on your plate, you deserve a lovely life and good nights' sleep! I ended up going to bed at 9pm just to get a few 'good' hours in before 1st night feed. (My 2nd fed 3 times per night up until a year).

Hang on in there in there, I promise you life will get easier, plus you still have a lot of hormonal changes going on. So glad that you talked to DH, like I said, you sometimes have to spell it out, you are a team and I'm sure he'd hate to think of you feeling low.

Did you have some choc? I had a half of a family sized bar little bit of whole nut

Thinking of you, come back on here in the morning and tell us how you're doing.

permaquandry · 15/02/2013 18:13

How you doing Ilove?

Original poster
iloveitalia · 16/02/2013 10:02

Hi Perma....thanks for asking. I' m ok thanks. Think i'm low because i'm tired ans run down. Dh doesn' t really understand, which is frustrating, but i don't think he ever will. I'm sure many mothers feel this way. I bet i will feel better soon when i get some energy back. Thanks so much for your support and chocolate eating in my honour (smile).

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permaquandry · 18/02/2013 20:40

Sorry fir delay in replying. Yes, definitely, lack of sleep clouds everything.

I know getting the actual sleep is tricky, do you drink plenty of water, it's a great energy boost?

How are you feeling today? How's the sleep going? I know u EBF, so it's tricky, but could you express for a few nights or at least ask dh to do the winding and resettling?

Ps I'm still having the chocolate in your honour, just in case you need me to........Smile

Original poster
iloveitalia · 20/02/2013 13:42

Hi perma. Sorry, I' ve just seen your post. You' re so kind Smile.
Am ok. Sleep still not too good....the wee so and so is just full of beans, and doesn' t really nap during the day either. Oh well, just have to get through it and remember it doesn' t last, I suppose.

Dh is going to take dd tonight to the spare room to give me a break. Have expressed some milk. I can't wait!! How I get my thrills nowadays, eh??
Really appreciate you taking the time to ask after me. Hope you' re having a nice week so far, and enjoying the brighter weather.Please keep on eating the fruit and nut....I think it' s helping Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveitalia · 20/02/2013 13:45

Oops....I mean whole nut, not fruit and nut. That bit' s very important.

OP posts:
magimedi · 20/02/2013 15:05

So sorry to hear about your mother - my mother had it too & died 14 years ago. It is a terrible illness & leaves you feeling exhausted emotionally. I also felt horribly guilty as I longed for her to die & be released from it all.

Your DH sounds really lovely - but most men need telling things, they just don't seem to realise in the way that women do.

Sleep will help you hugely & don't try to be 'superwoman' over the house! I remember once hearing that a house needs to be reasonably hygenic but dirty enough to be a real home!

hellsbellsmelons · 20/02/2013 15:20

Oh bless your DH.
Some just need to be told and they will help out.
It must be tough for you.
Do you attend a baby group or anything?
Do you go round to friends houses for some 'adult' conversation?
I was chomping at the bit after 3 months to get back to work for a rest and some adult talk and to use my brain properly again.
Good luck and congrats!

Original poster
iloveitalia · 20/02/2013 16:42

Thanks Magi and Hellsbells. Yep, Alzheimer's is rotten...i can completely understand your desire for your mum to die Magi. I feel the same way, and I know that my mum would want that too. It' s no life, is it? The only blessing is that they' re unaware of what' s happening to them. I don' t think you should feel guilty at all.

   Hellsbells, yes, we go to mum and baby yoga, swimming lessons and mums and tots. I also catch up with friends quite often.I' m so lucky, as I really do have a lovely bunch of friends. <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png">.

Thanks for your kind posts.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 20/02/2013 16:54

Yanbu at all to be finding parenting a challenge, it is a huge adjustment. You obviously have a gorgeous little Dd and you sound like a lovely mum. It must be very difficult not to have your mum or dad to offer some support. Come here for some moral and practical support.

Cherriesarelovely · 20/02/2013 16:55

Huge hugs to you x

valiumredhead · 20/02/2013 16:55

YANBU I think you really need your parents when you have little ones and it's hard when they aren't around x

AlanMoore · 20/02/2013 17:05

Bless you, coping with your mum's illness must be so hard and I can totally see that on a bad day it makes everything with your baby bittersweet too. I sometimes have a cry that my grandparents aren't around to see my children even though they've been dead for years and would have a combined age of 203 if they were here!

Your husband sounds nice if a bit unaware of how you're feeling, so keep talking to him, and your friends, and try to enjoy as much as you can. Could you get a weekly date with yourself to do something that lets you forget responsibilities of your mum and baby? Keep fit or a drink at the pub with a mate?

mrsbunnylove · 20/02/2013 18:39

here's a bit of advice from the mum/grandma.

stop doing the housework.

Ambi · 20/02/2013 19:37

Ilove come and join us with Aug born babies. Do you have FB? We've gone over to there. We love nothing better than moaning about the trivial things Smile I'll send some over to convince you we're not harridans.

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