to never know how to tackle this statement - 'I don't want to die'

[EarlyInTheMorning]

My 5YO DD will often say this. I always try to make light of it and then distract her, not in a "not addressing her feelings" kind of way (or at least that's not my intention), but in a "not wanting to make too much of it so that she stops thinking about it" kind of way. She has just said it again. I'd say it comes up around once every fortnight. She once even said "what's the point of it all if we just die?". She's only 5 FFS .

It is because 'heaven' is very much a place and if you are in a place you can get them back - as my friend's 4 year old said 'she would get an aeroplane and bring her Daddy back'. It is just on par with any place you don't know e.g my brother rang from abroad, I said to 3yr old DS 'do you want to speak to Uncle John' and he said 'is he dead then'! This is because his father was dead and , to him, his Uncle was a long distance away, out of sight, in a place beyond his concept. After all heaven and Devon don't sound much different - you can't expect a very young child to understand.
I think that you have to concentrate on the fact that most people don't die until they are old and more and more people get to be 100 these days.

I was like this when I was her age. And often still am, to be honest. My mum would say that people died either when they were so old they were tired of living or so ill that it was a relief to let go. So I shouldn't worry about it because it would be ok when it came to it. Not necessarily covering all bases and a bit unconventional but it did really help and I still remember it today and find it a help.

I think it helps if you know some really elderly people - I don't mean active 80+ year olds driving cars, doing their own shopping etc. I have a much loved couple at the moment and they are so frail and vulnerable that I fight back tears as I leave- another one who got to over 100 was similar and he said to me ' I try so hard, exotic, to keep a brave face on it but it is so hard and it is getting harder'- his favourite saying was 'old age isn't for cissies' . Even a small child can see that the quality of life has gone and that it is a natural progression - but so far on from them that they can't imagine they will get there. I would say that when you get to that stage you will not worry about it.

I've been thinking about all your comments a lot. I think that perhaps I haven't got the optimum balance between being lighthearted about my DD's worries and being dismissive. This is what I need to work on I think. Thanks everyone.

I think that total honesty can work, bizarrely.

The subject of death came up with my DDs (7.1 with SN, 5.6, 3.9) and they were asking about it. I said 'well everyone dies someday, but we hope that it won't be for a very long time.' They asked if it would be sad, and I said 'Oh yes, very very sad.' They asked why people die and I said 'well some people have a very bad injury and the doctors can't fix them, other people get very very poorly and the doctors can't fix them, and other people just live until they are too old to live longer.'

A day or two later, we were at Nanny and Grandad's house, and one of the DD's looked up and said 'Nanny..you're going to die one day, aren't you? Can I have some water, please?'

Exotic, I agree - my boys' great grandad was 95 when he died so it did help that they saw he was incredibly old and frail. He certainly told us often enough that he had had enough of life .

my nephew is like this

I got him a book off amazon about coping with negative emotions

have a look on there

Just say I don't either.

That wouldn't work with my DS PessaryPam!

This is la condition humaine as the French put it. Inescapable. We all get used to it in the end.

early I am so glad you started this thread. I have the same problems with 6yo DS. He keeps crying that one day I will die and he will miss my cuddles, then that he doesn't want to die as he will miss his friends and his Lego .

It's very hard at the moment. (now I will read the whole thread and see if anyone has any suggestions).

I think that matter of fact is best.
Light hearted doesn't address the issues and is similar to being dismissive. Plenty of adults worry about it-it was always at the back of my mind when the children were small-therefore it is hardly surprising that children have the same fears.
Children are not silly, they work out that you can't promise not to die. In the case of your DS, Meglet I would concentrate on the fact that he won't always be 6yrs. He will grow up and leave home and probably have his own children and that you hope to see his children grow up and have children.
People are happy discussing most things with their children, even if they are not comfortable with discussing sex there are books to help. Death is the one thing never discussed and people don't know how to handle it-and the books are not there.
The only one that I have come across is Badger's Parting Gifts Amazon

I have to talk about it a lot as I am often feeling grief for members of my own family. The dc know that I feel sad and why I feel sad and that that is ok and normal.

We then get the photos out and I will tell funny stories and memories and it helps me and them.

It's a natural part of child development and normally hits around 4/5 but they become aware of death and the concept of alive and not alive - also more aware of time eg will understand about waiting a length of time - I think it's an age where greater understanding kicks in.

Another eg of this age being a key development stage is that if you haven't heard language eg been spoken to or communicated with then your brain starts destroying the language brain cells - big changes are happening. Tis amazing!

My 5 year old has associated dieing as being 'bad'...and hence he seems to think that not dieing is good, and also makes a good complement but can't understand the context.
So at the moment we're going through a phase where he'll say things like 'Thanks for the ice cream mam.I hope you don't die' (with a big loving smile on his face as if he's expecting praise for saying a nice thing). We've also had, to his teacher 'Wow, you're really good at doing that! I hope you don't die today' which she looked a little freaked out about lol.

Crikey there are some beautiful quotes on this thread

We had something like that prettykitty. Dd made a card for granny, lovely picture on the front, flowers, trees etc and a message of,' sorry youre going to die granny'.

Shes a young, healthy granny!

My dn when you are about to leave says "don't crash maddening" and I touch wood

I have a similar response to lljkk i.e. to say it probably won't happen for ages, and by then you won't mind so much. I say that when you're very old, which is when you probably will die, you'll have lived a very long life and will be very tired & will feel ready to die.

DS, seven, is very sensitive and talks about death a lot. I just tell him that nobody wants to die and it's okay to feel sad about that.I tell him that we have to make the most of the life we do have and try to be as happy as we can.

It's probably too young for a five year old but there's a lovely book called "No Matter What" by Debi Gliori that ends by answering the "will you love me when I'm / you're dead?" question. (" 'what about when we're dead and gone? Would you love me then? Does love go on?' 'Look at the stars, how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, jlike starlight, never dies.' "

It's one of my two year old dd's favourite books and often gets requested after she's had a tantrum or done something naughty as the child "Small" in the story has broken his toys at the start in a temper.
The book basically consists of Small asking Big if she'd love him if he was a crocodile, bear, bug. The response is "I'll always love you no matter what."

It may be a little cheesy for some, but I think the message of being loved by a parent unconditionally is an important one and not a necessarily easy one. I was an anxious child and I think I'd have liked this book to reassure me that I didn't have to be perfect or clever or beautiful to be loved.