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Original poster

to never know how to tackle this statement - 'I don't want to die'

71 replies

EarlyInTheMorning · 13/02/2013 18:08

My 5YO DD will often say this. I always try to make light of it and then distract her, not in a "not addressing her feelings" kind of way (or at least that's not my intention), but in a "not wanting to make too much of it so that she stops thinking about it" kind of way. She has just said it again. I'd say it comes up around once every fortnight. She once even said "what's the point of it all if we just die?". She's only 5 FFS Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
EarlyInTheMorning · 13/02/2013 18:43

madonna obviously the move has been emotional for all of us as a family but we have tried to be as positive as possible around the children. We're getting out and about you know, I try to set up playdates...

OP posts:
Original poster
EarlyInTheMorning · 13/02/2013 18:44

How do I find that?

OP posts:
thebody · 13/02/2013 18:50

Do you know what op!!I think it's sometimes just accepting that we are all different and she is like this.

She sounds a real sweetie and you sound like you are fully aware and in tune with her needs so are just doing the best you can for her.

Anyway I prefer littlies who are deep thinkers and sensitive to others needs rather than the super confident 'big I am ones'

DomesticCEO · 13/02/2013 18:52

IfNotNow, that's interesting what you said about heaven - we are also atheists and when the boys great grandad died just before Christmas we decided we wouldn't go down the heaven route and told him that people die but they live on in our hearts and memories.

Interestingly I lost a friend a few years ago who left behind two small children and they didn't actually find the idea of mum having gone to heaven v comforting - the 3 yr old especially was distraught that mum had left him behind Sad and why would she want to be somewhere so lovely that he couldn't go to Sad. My friend was actually an atheist herself and had specifically asked that her children not be told about heaven, but a nursery worker had spoken to her DS about it without knowing this Sad.

DS1 who's 4.7 is also very obsessed with death now - asks me a lot when I'm going to die and when he's going to die. A little girl the same age as him died recently which he is kind of aware of so the "you only die when you're old" line doesn't work anymore either. It's so hard to know how to deal with it when they just keep questioning and questioning.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 13/02/2013 18:53

DD (now 5) told me she wanted to die last year Shock

Not in a morbid way but she was bummed out about my grandpa dying so I was telling her about heaven and what a nice time grandpa would be having. She liked the sound of it so much she wanted to go too. The only way to get her to shut up about it was to tell her there was no Macdonalds there Blush did the trick.

In answer to your question when DD asked me what it was like and if it was scary I told her it wasnt. It didnt hurt him (I know this to be true for my grandpa- he literally drifted in and out of conciousness for a few days and then never woke up). Dying is part of living everyone will die eventually but she has tonnes of time yet. And then I try to change the subject. Not always easy tho when they're in "a dog with a bone" mode though.

madonnawhore · 13/02/2013 18:53

I don't think you need to worry too much OP.

Your DD sounds like a lovely, sensitive, deep thinker and I bet she feels things more than most. You've all been through a period of upheaval, things are understandably feeling a bit weird for her right now and that's manifesting itself in this fixation with death.

It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job. I really do think with a little bit of time this'll all settle down. DD will find her feet and start to feel more secure in her new home. With that security the anxiousness will start to fade.

In the meantime by all means talk to her about death. It's an opportunity to explore her personal beliefs, talk about different religions, etc. I remember I became quite interested in Buddhism and the idea of reincarnation at her age as well.

madonnawhore · 13/02/2013 18:54

PS: I think she sounds like a real sweetie too!

ByTheWay1 · 13/02/2013 18:55

It is a common phase to go through at that age anyhow - both of mine went through an anxious and fearful stage, death was a common dinner table topic - especially when they realized dinner was a dead chicken.....

As atheists we do the "every one of us is made of stardust " talk.....

We are all made of atoms - teeny tiny atoms, every single atom in our bodies has been around as long as time itself.... we came from stardust..... when we die, the atoms carry on, they will form other things, perhaps other people - you probably have atoms from kings and queens of the past in your body right now, and when you have gone your atoms could go on to great things.... (usually take a trip through the school bully obviously coming back in slug atoms etc... and various poop questions !?!?!). Every time you breathe you take in atoms from the people you love - so remember X/Y/Grandpa/.... part of them lives on in you, and part of you will live on in the bodies and hearts of every person you have been close to... so the bits of us that ARE us, live on forever...

usually answered with "oh, ok where's my Harry Potter lego gone" etc...

lljkk · 13/02/2013 18:57

"You aren't going to die for a very long time, and by the time it happens you won't mind so much." is my reply.

amillionyears · 13/02/2013 19:03

You could try taking her to a graveyard, but I dont know if that will make her feel better or worse.
And tell her the people are sleeping.

She doesnt sound like she is going to be fobbed off about this.

exoticfruits · 13/02/2013 19:08

5 year olds are fascinated by death-when I was a widow it was 5 /6 year old girls who wanted to ask me about it-it was the parents who were embarrassed. I would just answer questions in a factual way.
With the 'will you still love me....' I say that we still love people who have died and therefore it doesn't stop with death and they keep loving.
It helps if you know someone really old and they can see that the body wears out, you can't do much and it is a natural cycle. All the 90+ people that I have know say that old age is hard-they get to the point where they have had enough-BUT they have years and years to go first. In fact you could flash up the fingers of both hands 9 times (it takes quite a while) and say they have all those numbers of years before they need to worry about it.
The point of it all is that they have lots of years where they can produce things they leave behind-they might be a doctor, finding new cures, paint wonderful pictures etc etc etc

DomesticCEO · 13/02/2013 19:10

amillionyears, I was warned not to use the analogy of sleeping about people dying as it can scare children into thinking that them going to sleep, or their parents going to sleep, etc means they are dying/dead Sad.

exoticfruits · 13/02/2013 19:10

Sorry not to agree-but never mention sleeping-it becomes a real worry about going to sleep. You want to avoid euphemisms like 'passed away' 'gone to sleep'.

Spero · 13/02/2013 19:11

My just 8 year old has been saying similar things since she was 6, it is slowly getting better but to begin with she was crying and distraught and saying she was very afraid.

I would be very wary of making any link with sleep.

I got books from Internet but the seemed more aimed at children with terminal disease or when a parent died - never found anything for this kind of existential angst.

So now I am just very mater of fact, I just say that everything that lives must die, some people believe in heaven or reincarnation, I don't but I don't know. Se seemed quite taken by idea of reincarnation and wants to come back as a pony.

Ithas definitely got better as she got older. She is also quite anxious and a worrier.

I think best thing is to take them seriously and answer questions as honestly as possible.

exoticfruits · 13/02/2013 19:15

usually answered with "oh, ok where's my Harry Potter lego gone" etc...

That is because you have discussed it-they get anxious because they can sense that it worries you and you are not comfortable discussing it. Death is a taboo subject in our society. Because of personal circumstances it is no longer something I avoid. I went to see a counsellor about how to explain death to a 2 year old ,when it isn't an elderly person, and they said that you needed to emphasise that it is final and avoid talk of heaven.

Hullygully · 13/02/2013 19:16

My ds was obsessed wiht this, both his and my death. I said of me that I wasn't going to die, I had special powers and death simply wasn't for me, he kind of knew it wasn't true (of course) but it seemed to work.

For what happens after death I always said that we become part of the Great Oneness. That worked too. Somehow.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/02/2013 19:16

here it is!

Hullygully · 13/02/2013 19:17

Oh yes, and also that people "live on" in your mind and your heart because you love them and remember them.

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/02/2013 19:19

Oh bless her heart.

amillionyears · 13/02/2013 19:19

ok, I can see that saying people are sleeping might not be a very good idea.

exoticfruits · 13/02/2013 19:25

It is just unfortunate that it is a taboo subject-people have no idea what to say. They try to find nice ways and end up causing more worries. It isn't really until you have personal experience that you know what is helpful and what isn't-and personal experience is something you hope to do without.

Teahouse · 13/02/2013 19:28

This is a great book but there are others equally wonderful, including one on Native American myths.
www.amazon.co.uk/Duck-Death-Tulip-Wolf-Erlbruch/dp/1877467170 but it is not unusual for kids this age to start thinking about mortality...we are all going to die so embrace the chance to talk...you can all enter into the discussions.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2013 19:29

That is really difficult. But I did go through this phase when I was three or four. And had hysterics over it. I don't know if this meant I was an insecure child. But I just could not grasp the concept that I wouldn't be here for ever. I think the idea of heaven and all being together again is a lot more comforting for children.

DomesticCEO · 13/02/2013 19:35

exotic, that is really interesting that your counsellor also suggested you avoid talk of heaven - my own experience is that it is not a comfort to children, but many parents seem to believe it is. I suppose, as with everything, it is down to the individual.

The little girl who died near us recently was best friends with a friend's DD and when they told her that her friend had gone to heaven she was distraught that she was there alone without her mummy and daddy, so perhaps when you talking of an actual death the 'comfort' of heaven is not so great.

whateveritakes · 13/02/2013 19:42

My son was having similar concerns.
My Dad told my son that perhaps he wasn't going to, who could tell. My son smiled and it was over with.

I guess we all hope we aren't and that was what he wanted to hear. I don't mind if he doesn't either!