AIBU to be hurt by DP's comment.

[honeytea]

I have posted about my in laws before, so far DP has been supportive of me but yesterday he did something that really hurt my feelings.

Last night we were at SIL's house for dinner. My 8 week old DS had just fed and was sleeping in my arms. I don't have a problem holding him whilst he sleeps. he sleeps in his side car cot very well at night so I don't resent holding him in the day time. WHen we are home he sometimes sleeps on me, sometimes he sleeps on a blanket on the sofa next to me and sometimes he sleeps in a cot in the kitchen whilst I cook/clean. DP said to me "why don't you put DS in his car seat so you can eat dinner" (I have become very good at eating one handed anyway) I said to DP that it is very likely that DS would wake up but we could try and I would take ds back if he woke up and cried. (we don't often sit him in the car seat when not in the car it was only in the house because it was really cold outside and ds goes into the car easier if the seat is warm.)

DS woke up and started grizzling, SIL took DS out of the car seat and walked around rocking him, I said I can take him and you sit and eat your dinner, I'm fine eating with him on my knee, she said no she was enjoying having a cuddle with him. After about 10 mins she came back into the room we were eating in without DS.

I was sat in the corner blocked in by DP I said to him can you go and get the baby. He went and got the baby, SIL went after him. DS woke up and was talking to DP, DP said to him "I know it was unnecessary to disturb you" I said actually it wasn't unnecessary I don't want him left in another room in an unsafe sleep enviroment. SIl said "yes it was absolutly unnecessary." I didn't mention it for the rest of the evening.

I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment, DS has been very ill with RS virus and spent a week in hospital I think that experience has made me realise how fragile he is. I appreciate that many people would be fine with their baby being in another room on a safe bythemself but I felt worried about it and I expect DP to support me. I wasn't asking for any help and I wasn't moaning about having an unputdownable baby but SIL took it upon herself to show me that DS would go down by himself. A friend tragically lost her DS to sids last year, she posts on facebook often about ways to reduce the risk such as putting babies under 6 months down to sleep in the same room as you and having a safe place for them to sleep.

SIL has previously put DS down in a really really hot room wrapped in a doubled over fleece blanket with it wrapped around his head. At the time I said I wasn't happy with him being wrapped up so warm and I didn't see the reason for her to put him down (on a sofa at another sister's house) when I was there and I was happy to hold him.

I asked DP how the baby was sleeping and he said SIL had put a cusion under the sofa cusion so it was on a slope towards the back of the sofa, DS was wrapped in a blanket again going over his head. DS can roll by himself but I am not sure he could roll away from the edge of the sofa with his arms wrapped up if his face became pushed into the edge of the sofa. The sofa was leather so the risk of him sliding in the blanket towards the edge was fairly high.

I feel like SIL is constantly trying to prove that I am doing things wrong, she knows how anxious I feel and she knows I want to keep ds in the same room as me (or DP or whoever is looking after him) Everytime we see her she takes DS into another room and leaves him alone. What has upset me is my DP saying "that was unnecessary" I feel like I need him to support me and not contradict me. I could understand if I was not managing with DS and needed help but DS is such an easy baby and I am doing great with my energy levels.

I have said to DP that I won't be going to any of the SILs houses because every time we go something happens that I feel is unsafe and if he isn't going to support me then I am not willing to go there. They can come to us where DS can go in his cot whist we eat.

AIBU to expect my DP to support me even if my actions are driven by anxiety?

The SIDS guidelines are that for the first 6mths babies should sleepy in the same room as another adult, day or night.

The op is not being unreasonable for wanting to follow those guidelines.

And a sofa is not a safe place to leave a baby unattended.

Honeytea, I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable - and like some others who have posted here I'm worried about this happening for me, although it'll be DC2 but first baby living near family (in Sweden too).
I suffered from extreme anxiety with DD so I know how awful it feels and can completely understand why you are so upset about it all. I think what the anxiety does is prevent you from dealing with this situation as rationally as you might if you weren't so anxious. Remember that you are his mum and full time carer so you can control situations to ensure he is not left on his own in unsafe conditions. Yes it is really annoying to be undermined continually by SIL and really bad that your DP didn't back you up but hold on the to the fact that you are right and you have control so they can't harm DS.
I'd send DP the SIDS information to read but not get into an argument - you know you are right so no need to discuss it with him just tell him these are the guidelines you will be following and you expect him to do the same. Xx

having a baby at the dinner table and mum eating one handed isn't relaxing for anybody. I know you say 'its fine' but it makes others worry about you if you cant put your baby down

Really? Then others need to get a grip on their own twitchiness. YANBU. I know exactly where you're coming from. I cannot bear it when others scoff at my decisions to follow guidance as I see fit - it has been written by experts with an empirical evidence base, and to dismiss it purely on the basis that 'it didn't do my kids any harm' is arrogant. Just last week, my own DM gave it the whole eye rolling 'what on earth for' when I said that 3mo DS's cot would be in our room until he's six months. Don't know why, it wasn't an issue with her that we did the same with DD, so she'll have to mind her own business in this instance.

You've said yourself that it's not as if you're unhappy for your SIL to hold him. It's leaving him unsafe in another room that's the issue, and which utterly defeats the object of getting you to relax if that's the aim (I don't believe it is actually; people who do this are trying to assert themselves as the 'expert', thereby undermining your approach).

I wouldn't want to bother going again either, but if you do, steel yourself to be firm from the outset.

Everyone telling the OP that eating with the baby in her arms isn't relaxing - surely the OP knows what option is the most relaxing for her, it may not be what would be most relaxing for you!

SIL is in her 40s so maybe the guidelines were different when her children were babies, also there is a cultural difference in that she is Swedish and I am British, the sids guidelines are different here, they encourage co-sleeping and the only "don't leave your baby alone" advice is in regards to leaving them alone in very very cold weather.

The thing that I think she isn't taking into account is that DS is a very calm and happy little boy, he sleeps really well waking once in the night for a quick feed I think he might be a fed up of mummy cuddles and want some time alone by bed time When we are at home DS will lie under his babygym for ages, when he wakes in the morning he just lies there chatting to himself. I don't think DS is overly reliant on me, because I am so worried about sids he has always slept seperate from me (next to me but not feeding or on me)

DP loves cuddles with DS he cuddles him in the evening and he chooses to use the sling rather than the pram when we go out.

I'm going to say YANBU - I had an aunt who was like this - DS1 was unputdownable (so were the others but I'd discovered slings) and she was always trying to get him out of the room and sleeping on his own.
Could you get a slingso you or DP can have DS in it. This would mean you had two hands for eating and people can't just pick him up and take him off.
There's nothing wrong with holding your baby all the time - they won't grow into needy dependent children as a result. He's only 8 weeks FGS.

But at the end of the day, OP-he did support you-he fetched the baby as you asked.

Was his comment I think was just conversation with the baby?

I wouldn´t stop going-just make sure that you either keep hold of baby or put him where you want him to be & wrapped as you want.

fireside, just because one child slept in a different room to their mother, but didn't unexpectedly die is no reason not to follow the SIDS guidelines!

Not all DC whose parents smoke die unexpectedly, not all DC who sleep on their fronts, etc etc.

SIDS affects more babies where the guidelines are not followed, so although we don't know exactly why that is, on the balance of probabilities, it's better to follow the guidelines.

honeytea, it sounds like your SIL is one of those people who wants to show off her parenting experience to you, and make you feel inferior. You will always get those people ("I did have one of my own, you know!") and the best way to deal with it is to calmly explain that you are following the most recent medical advice. You could perhaps also say that you would never criticise her choices as a parent, even if you didn't agree with them. But if she's likely to take umbrage at that, I wouldn't!

I suggest that you try to calmly explain that to DH, as well.

Incidentally, for those who find a parent holding a baby and eating one handed upsetting - why? I am amazed that people feel they can't relax if someone has a baby with them at the table!

diddl, how on earth did he support her when he said, out loud, that the actions taken were unnecessary, with SIL agreeing? That's just cruel. Also, if he said it to the baby then LTB. You don't DO that. "Oh baby, your mum's such a crap mum, isn't she? Cootchy coo!" WTAF?

Confuzzled, I wholly disagree with you:

I think you sil was just trying to help she just wanted you to enjoy your meal in peace.

I think she wanted to show the OP 'how it's done,' to hell with what the baby's mother wants.

I know my mum used to lie my dd on her side when she slept because that's how they were told to do it when I was born. I just had to accept the fact that people do things differently.

You didn't have to accept that at all. Your mum should have accepted that you wanted to follow prevailing wisdom.

Thankyou for all the advice!

The sling is a great idea, we will take the sling with us next time we go (once I have calmed down enough and have an action plan) I use the sling at home when it is too cold to go out, we wonder around looking out of the Windows pretending we are having an outing.

dp was talking to ds when he said that it was unnecessary but it was a comment directed at me I think. If he had said something like "oh ds I'm sorry to move you again mummy was a little worried about yiu" I wouldn't have felt upset. Ds is only tiny I'm sure he had no idea what dp was saying anyway.

My in-laws have differing opinions about pregnancy and childcare and this has been apparent since I became pregnant, they thought I was making a fuss avoiding salami and rare meat, the advice is very basic in Sweden. The same sil said to me "well the Swedish way is obviously correct because we have a lower infant death rate than tge UK"

Is it possible your family were just trying to give you a rest and half an hours peace to eat your own dinner?
That said, a baby that little should not be left sleeping on a sofa out of sight.
Speak to your partner ( try and stay calm!) explain that you understand you may be coming across as a little overprotective but that is just how you feel at the moment and you really need him to back you up.
The anxiety should subside in a few weeks as he grows, if it doesn't get some advice.
At the end of the day he is your baby. Your have him where YOU want him!

Well I was initially thinking/hoping that what the husband said was maybe a bit lost in translation & that SIL thought she was helping.

But now it sounds as if they are all out to prove that the Swedish are better at childcare.

purrpurr-I think he did support OP in tha he fetched baby although he didn´t think it was necessary.

Yes, it would have been better for him to say nothing, but really, he was with his family & surely he can voice an opinion?

The same sil said to me "well the Swedish way is obviously correct because we have a lower infant death rate than tge UK"

It does sound more like she's trying to impose her "correct" way onto you rather than trying to support/help you.

YANBU at all and don't let anyone bully you into thinking your anxiety is the problem. You're SIL sounds sanctimonous and overbearing and is trying to prove to you how to do things 'correctly'.

You need to tell her calmly but firmly that you will be doing things your way. In that situation you were perfectly comfortable and could have said 'no, we're settled here, you can have a cuddle after we've eaten'.

I'm not saying anxiety can never be a problem. I am saying that at 8 weeks old, allowing your baby to sleep on you in the day is normal, as is not wanting him to be left in another room, unmonitored.

We've been told be a number of people that we are very relaxed first time parents but at 8 weeks dd had most of her daytime naps on us, in her sling or in her pushchair where I could hear her (and I sill looked in to check she was breathing now and then), or on the sofa or bed in the same room as me, rarely in her car seat in the same room as us, if at the ILs. I was quite happy to hold her while eating too and no-one seemed at all bothered by that.

I recall at about four months, visiting the PILs, sitting out in the garden, dd crying and MIL offering a cuddle. Fine but she walked off with her, out of my sight and hearing. DD had been wailing more persistently than usual and I was extremely uncomfortable about this, so asked DP to go and 'help' / check on her (as this would be percieved as less lacking in trust than my running after her). I generally trusted MIL and was happy for her to look after dd for a few hours at a time at our house but that removal from my area of perception felt like a deliberate statement of 'I will deal with this' (which she didn't, DP instigated the nappy change and feed that calmed her down), in contrast to her usual 'let me know if you want her back', which set back my confidence in her considerably.

OP how do you feel about other people holding your baby? I ask this because if I wore a sling round my families home they would feel as though I didn't want them to have a hold, Does it bother you when they do hold him?

I had terrible anxiety so I do know how hard it is to live and your DP's comment was completely unnecessary and you should address how he made you feel.

I may be completely wrong but it does sound as though you act like you don't want anyone else to enjoy your baby due to your anxiety and you really want that to get better and not worse.

Speak to your HV again and have a word with your DP and let him know how you feel but I wouldn't say that you don't want to visit them anymore as this may cause problems between you and DP however if you don't want to put your baby in another room (Which I completely understand) then say so, The same with holding him. He is your baby and what you say goes, I hope the situation gets easier for you and DP becomes more understanding.

Congratulations on your baby.

I never said I had anything against my mum doing that otherwise I would have told her. I just know people have got different ways of looking after children!

Does your DP regard his family as an extension of his own identity, thus criticism of them is of him and he automatically leaps to defend them? We've heard about his inability to accept constructive (and potentially life-saving) criticism about his actions with your ds before. If he's going to leap to obstinate aggressive defensiveness all the time, couldn't he at least re-align his loyalties so it's in defence of you, his wife and his own family?

Honey - I commented on your previous thread where you expressed cOncerns about them imposing their 'Swedish' ideas. It seems you were correct!

The best way to deal with it (I have experience of a foreign mil thinking she knew best!) for me was to say - ds isn't a British baby or an xish baby - he is my baby and I will decide how to raise him. She did back off but she definitely thought I was over protective and made him clingy to me. Your ILs could be British and still think you are doing things wrong.

You have to be rhino skinned - you make the decisions and be strong in them.

Wrt your dh - if he feels you were wrong I think it's important you discuss it but not in a passive aggressive way and not in front of others. I spent 24hrs with ds and dh was at work - he was happy to accept that as the primary carer I had a greater say but also a greater knowledge of our baby.

And surely any fool who thought anxiety was the problem could see that exacerbating that anxiety by removing your ds from your sight and leaving him alone, was not going to make the situation better!

My Swedish friend is always telling me how they do things in Sweden too. Perhaps a cultural thing? They are a pretty healthy nation so maybe she has a fair point but he is yours and you do what you see fit.

You do sound anxious and I have been there. Bizarrely the things my DM did to make me less anxious (take over and get DC to sleep to prove it was my incompetence, feed her formula despite being EBF, get her to sleep on her own etc) all made it much worse for me. You have to be brave as a mum and stick up for yourself. I am fairly sure that you SIL would tell you if she didn't like something you were doing to her DC so perhaps you just need to be blunt and stick up for yourself.

I also think it is a little U to expect DP to stick up for you as they are his family and he will struggle to do that all the time (rightly or wrongly!)

OP, I don't honk you sound overly anxious ( some posters have probably forgotten what it's like with your first newborn). If you want to hold your 8 week old baby, hold him. Exactly who was that hurting so badly that your SIL and DP felt baby should be left elsewhere? My 8 week old didn't sleep in a room away from me at that age, it's not as if the SIDS guidelines are hard to follow, when the potential consequences are so horrendous. Your DH should have backed you up. The only difference I would have made is that I wouldn't have given a toss about making a fuss about a pushy SIL thinking she knows best. This isn't the last time someone will think they know best with your child, so practice saying" the guidelines have changed, I'll follow best practice thanks" or my particular favourite, " my baby, my rules"........ Says it all. ( my DH would back me up in public and we would discuss it later if he thought I was wrong)

I absolutely expect DP to stick up for me about our parenting with his family.

That's easier because it is our parenting, not mine, we discuss things but, even if I was more obviously the primary carer, he is perfectly well aware that guidance has moved on since his parents had babies, that a happy, relaxed mother helps ensure a happy baby, a stressed or angry one does not and that fundamentally, the person he is closest to and has thrown in his lot in life with, is me. I find the idea if men siding with their mothers against their wives weird, creepy and infantile.

I am not surprised you feel happier close to your very small baby when he has been ill. I think the posters who suggest that you are being a bit too intense are missing the point ? maybe you could put your baby down to eat, but the issue is that your DP should support you if you don?t want to, for now, not make pointed public comments about how picking him up is unnecessary. If he thinks that, he should take it up with you nicely, ?offline?.

I can remember feeling very weird about eating dinner in front of my mum with my days-old baby in a mei-tai on my front. (For my mother, mealtimes are a holy ritual.) dd just didn?t want to be left alone and I was honestly happier accepting this instead of trying to put her down and sit at the table at the same time. I also used to bf my tiny babies in secret a lot, making excuses to go to another room, because my mum bf-ed us all 4-hourly only, apparently. It all made me feel shifty and uncomfortable as if I was doing something wrong, was inadequate for not having the baby neatly tucked up in a carry cot instead of with me, and I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to just enjoy having a gorgeous miniature human being curled up on my chest.