AIBU to be hurt by DP's comment.

[honeytea]

I have posted about my in laws before, so far DP has been supportive of me but yesterday he did something that really hurt my feelings.

Last night we were at SIL's house for dinner. My 8 week old DS had just fed and was sleeping in my arms. I don't have a problem holding him whilst he sleeps. he sleeps in his side car cot very well at night so I don't resent holding him in the day time. WHen we are home he sometimes sleeps on me, sometimes he sleeps on a blanket on the sofa next to me and sometimes he sleeps in a cot in the kitchen whilst I cook/clean. DP said to me "why don't you put DS in his car seat so you can eat dinner" (I have become very good at eating one handed anyway) I said to DP that it is very likely that DS would wake up but we could try and I would take ds back if he woke up and cried. (we don't often sit him in the car seat when not in the car it was only in the house because it was really cold outside and ds goes into the car easier if the seat is warm.)

DS woke up and started grizzling, SIL took DS out of the car seat and walked around rocking him, I said I can take him and you sit and eat your dinner, I'm fine eating with him on my knee, she said no she was enjoying having a cuddle with him. After about 10 mins she came back into the room we were eating in without DS.

I was sat in the corner blocked in by DP I said to him can you go and get the baby. He went and got the baby, SIL went after him. DS woke up and was talking to DP, DP said to him "I know it was unnecessary to disturb you" I said actually it wasn't unnecessary I don't want him left in another room in an unsafe sleep enviroment. SIl said "yes it was absolutly unnecessary." I didn't mention it for the rest of the evening.

I am really struggling with anxiety at the moment, DS has been very ill with RS virus and spent a week in hospital I think that experience has made me realise how fragile he is. I appreciate that many people would be fine with their baby being in another room on a safe bythemself but I felt worried about it and I expect DP to support me. I wasn't asking for any help and I wasn't moaning about having an unputdownable baby but SIL took it upon herself to show me that DS would go down by himself. A friend tragically lost her DS to sids last year, she posts on facebook often about ways to reduce the risk such as putting babies under 6 months down to sleep in the same room as you and having a safe place for them to sleep.

SIL has previously put DS down in a really really hot room wrapped in a doubled over fleece blanket with it wrapped around his head. At the time I said I wasn't happy with him being wrapped up so warm and I didn't see the reason for her to put him down (on a sofa at another sister's house) when I was there and I was happy to hold him.

I asked DP how the baby was sleeping and he said SIL had put a cusion under the sofa cusion so it was on a slope towards the back of the sofa, DS was wrapped in a blanket again going over his head. DS can roll by himself but I am not sure he could roll away from the edge of the sofa with his arms wrapped up if his face became pushed into the edge of the sofa. The sofa was leather so the risk of him sliding in the blanket towards the edge was fairly high.

I feel like SIL is constantly trying to prove that I am doing things wrong, she knows how anxious I feel and she knows I want to keep ds in the same room as me (or DP or whoever is looking after him) Everytime we see her she takes DS into another room and leaves him alone. What has upset me is my DP saying "that was unnecessary" I feel like I need him to support me and not contradict me. I could understand if I was not managing with DS and needed help but DS is such an easy baby and I am doing great with my energy levels.

I have said to DP that I won't be going to any of the SILs houses because every time we go something happens that I feel is unsafe and if he isn't going to support me then I am not willing to go there. They can come to us where DS can go in his cot whist we eat.

AIBU to expect my DP to support me even if my actions are driven by anxiety?

[wanderingalbatross]

In the face of well-meaning relatives, I often say "I feel/felt more comfortable doing X" - it's harder to disagree with that than "X is the right thing to do". Newborns arouse a lot of emotions, and not everyone can recognise that the choice to do something differently is not a criticism of the way they do/did things.

Although I'm not convinced your SIL was being well-meaning and the sofa thing was just stupid. At 8 weeks old my DD was with me most of the time and I often ate one-handed (she often decided she needed a feed when I did!). But as DD grew I found that my worries subsided and she became more independent.

[mcsquared]

Oh honeytea I feel for you. What is this obsession with removing babies from their mothers?

I think it is helpful at heart but I found it a little offensive that people thought I needed masses of help! My mum came to stay for a few days after the birth which I was really looking forward to but she drove me up the wall. When DS cried during nappy changes, she'd rush in to help, she insisted on taking him while I ate breakfast and once took him while I was asleep!! And then laughed that I hadn't noticed. It was probably her trying to be helpful but I felt like she wasn't letting me parent and my instincts wanted DS with me. I was furious when she'd left DS to nap on her bed with 4 layers of blanket swaddled!! Her and my MIL are obsessed with warmth but I am more concerned about overheating. MIL kept getting me to put DS down when I let him sleep on me. Like you, I wasn't bothered! I'd watch TV and drink tea and DS slept fine at night on his own. I'll still let him sleep on me at almost 4 months, though he naps more in his bouncer now!

I really regret not sticking up for myself and you are doing amazingly well by being so assertive. Please don't let DH's comments put you off. I think sometimes they don't think about how we analyse things. I remember when I was trying to give up dairy to help DS' s reflux at the time, I accidentally had a drop of milk in my tea and DH made a comment about how we were in for a night of suffering. I felt terrible, like I was a horrible mother and he was equally horrified when I told him how I felt. It was an especially mean thing to say when I pretty much always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. He has always supported me since.

Tell him how his comments made you feel and ask him to support you. If he disagrees then you can discuss your parenting but that should be just the two of you, not his entire family.

[AnneofGreenFables]

Ooh, this would make me cross.

All this 'trying to let you enjoy your meal in peace' stuff. You're an adult FFS! If you want to eat while holding your baby, that's your fucking prerogative.

Sorry, but it's a pet hate of mine to have my opinions over-ruled with a dismissive 'you can't possibly know how you feel' or 'I know best' mentality.

And taking the baby away and leaving it in another room without your permission I would have been after that baby in 5 seconds flat. The bloody cheek of it!

I had no problem with other people holding my baby or settling my baby, but that was with the knowledge and agreement of me and/ or XH who despite his many faults would not have criticised in front of other people. IMO in this case he should have said nothing and discussed it when you got home.

Also agree about the passive aggressive talking to the baby. XH did do that (albeit just in front of me) and sadly much more vile "Mummy's a fucking slut, isn't she. A dirty cunt. Don't worry, if she ever leaves, you'll never have to see her again". Granted in XH's case, that was a special case of abusive twattery and nothing like the OP's DP! Still makes me scowl though, agree with the poster who said it was creepy

[diddl]

"well the Swedish way is obviously correct because we have a lower infant death rate than tge UK"

That´s quite nasty, isn´t it?

I mean ideas change, don´t they?

Thinking of what our mothers/GMs did-it´s a wonder that any of us are here!

But surely a lot of things are guides only?

And so much swaddling of a baby sounds odd to me personally-I never did it.

Doesn´t mean that it´s right or wrong necessarily-it surely depends on the temp of the house & what the baby is wearing-so, one size doesn´t fit all!

[babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood]

YANBU I'm so sick of people calling PFB, ffs yes, my firstborn was precious, a miracle, I thought she was The most special, fragile wonder ever. If I didn't, wouldn't that be a worry? You may look back & laugh, but that doesn't mean change how you treat them now.

[5Foot5]

YANBU and, while some might say you are being over-anxious, I think when you rbaby is 8 weeks old that reaction is entirely understandable. I think I was probably a bit like that when DD was that tiny and that was without her having been ill or in hospital.

Another one here who used a sling. I had lots of meals with DD cuddled up in the sling - though she did then tend to get food spilled on her head.

Everytime we see her she takes DS into another room and leaves him alone.
That leapt out at me. It really does sound as though she is tying to prove some kind of point. In a later post on this thread you mention that SIL won't let her 9yo go to the shops alone for fear of abduction and, though you disagree with that, you would never dream of sending him out yourself to prove a point. Maybe the next time you feel that they are trying to undermine you and your decisions you could bring that up to explain how unreasonable they are being e.g. "I think you are being ridiculously overprotective for not letting X go to the shop's alone but I would never undermine you on that, so why are you trying to do that to me"

[2aminthemorning]

I think you were quite right to bring your DS back in, OP. There is no discussion to have about that. Your SIL departed from the guidelines you've been given. Even if she hadn't, he's still your child.

Don't think it's a good idea to voice a differing opinion by making comments to the baby, all the more so in front of other people, especially family, and especially when your DH could see you'd been challenged by his sister already. That may be what you should call him on, rather than the issue about going round to your SIL. That decision sounds very extreme and made in the heat of the moment. If there is a question mark over your judgement, that will only intensify it. Instead, you should calmly and assertively challenge DH, and overrule SIL when you're at her house. If she can't take it, fair enough. But at least you'll have your peace of mind.

Look upon it as a storm in a teacup.

[GladbagsGold]

YANBU

It wouldn't have been neccessary to disturb DS's sleep if he'd still been in your arms anyway just as you wanted all along!

8 weeks is tiny, and I'd feel that an 8 week old who's been poorly was more fragile/vulnerable still. Stick to your guns, you are a great mother. You deserve back up from your DH and I'm sorry you didn't get it that time.

[maddening]

I would take a moses basket with me to set up while you are having dinner - if you drive they are v portable.

I used to rock up with everything I needed when I went a visiting.

Then remain assertive - maybe delegate some jobs so they feel included - eg sil please can you hold ds while I eat - if she goes to leave just stand up and say " here give me ds I will get him down in the moses basket thanks" so you use instructions and closed end sentences eg ending with "thanks" makes it harder for them to say no without being confrontational - if they become confrontational use it as an opportunity to bring it to a head.

[maddening]

Ps I meant bring a moses basket to set up immediately next to you whether at the dining table or lounge

[honeytea]

I like other people to hold ds, I have just been to see a friend and her 3 year old and I let the 3 year old hold ds with supervision. The problem I have is when people hold him and then leave him alone.

Dp will be home soon so I will talk to him about my feelings. Before I was pregnant I really got on well with the sils a mil/film, we were different but enjoyed spending time together, I think now ds is born those differences seem mote of an issue.

[EverybodysSootyEyed]

My mum always said that cultural differences only rear their head when a baby is born (I come from a long line of mixed culture marriages) and that's why you need a rhino skin and conviction!

Fwiw I kept my baby with me all the time. I used to move the Moses basket from room to room with me. Can't even remember when I stopped! I too didn't mind other people holding him. I just wanted him near me.

If that's pfb, well so be it!

[Spiritedwolf]

YADNBU

I have had a relative say 'you're being silly trying to eat whilst holding the baby' and then sit down to eat whilst holding him when their dinner was ready 5 mins later. I think it maybe looks more cumbersome than it is! or it was just an excuse for newborn snuggles.


People have to let you do things in your own time. SIDS risk is highest between 2 and 4 months, can understand entirely why you want to keep that risk as low as possible.

For full disclosure : ds is napping on me at 6 months

[PandaOnAPushBike]

There's so much more to this though isn't there honeytea. From your previous threads it appears your partner's family are determined to assert their way of parenting over yours and your partner would rather take the easy path of appeasing them than backing you.

So no, you are not being unreasonable in expecting him to support you. I'm not surprised you feel so much anxiety when the people around you are working against you rather than with you.

[honeytea]

I had a big chat with DP. I explained how hurt I was and how I felt like he thought I was a bad mum when actually I was just trying to keep DS safe. He said he felt stuck between me and his family. I said that he shouldn't be stuck between me and his family when it comes to our ds because he is our ds not a communal family child, sure it is lovely for ds to have relationships with his extended family but their opinions on the way we bring up ds is not something we need to consider if it is contry to mine or his opinion.

DP has apologised and said how he thinks that the way I am with DS is lovely and he doesn't want me to change he just wishes there wasn't friction around the way we bring DS up. We said that in future we will back each other up when it comes to parenting issues when in public and if we have an issue with something that the other person does we will talk about it when we are alone.

I dread to think of all the struggles to come with my in-laws, DS is only 8 weeks old and we have had so many differences of opinion already. I think the most important thing is for me and DP to support each other and do what we feel is best for DS. I hope this is the last thread like this I post for a long time!

Thankyou so much for the support, it has been really helpful to know it is not just me that thought it was wrong to leave DS alone on the sofa.

:)

[Midori1999]

I'm glad your DH is supporting you.

I agree that YANBU and in that situation myself I would have been furious.

[SirBoobAlot]

It sounds like the situation was worthwhile to have that discussion with your DH at least :)

[Footface]

There's no way I'd let ds2 sleep on the sofa now or when he was a newborn. SIDS research isn't just airy fairy nonsense, your sil sounds a bit controlling
If you don't like something people do in regard to your baby tell them. The first couple of times it's hard but it does get better. Hope things work out for you.

[AliceWChild]

Lovely to hear your partner is going to start supporting you. It's exactly what he should be doing.

[Smartiepants79]

You sound like you have a lovely partner. Lucky you! Maybe if you stick together then the family will see that you are confident with your choices and back off. What I did was to start trying to pre- empt issues. " oh I really hate it when parents do ... ( insert whatever is appropriate) don't you?

[firesidechat]

In my defence I have to say that I had my children 20+ years ago. It doesn't seem that long ago but things have obviously changed. We were advised to lay babies on their tummies and no problems at all with babies sleeping in different rooms.

[honeytea]

In-law update.

I stuck up for myself today! We went for dinner at one sils house, all 3 sils were there.

They made multiple comments, first they told me off for letting ds smell some cake, I let him smell food as he likes smells, I obviously wouldn't let him eat the food he is only 8 weeks old. They said if I let him smell cake he will stop wanting to breastfeed he smells cake on a regular basis and is nearly 7 kg he has no breastfeeding problems. I pointed this out to them.

They then told me off because when we went to A+E with ds we only put him in a vest babygrow and his snow suit (with fold down scratch mit hand bits) without gloves. I pointed out he was blue and couldn't breath cold hands were the least of our worries.

They then told DP that he shouldn't hold ds in an upright position because he will have a bent back. DP told them that DS would cry if he was uncomfy.

They said to DP that we should listen to them because they are much more experienced. DP said we are doing just fine thanks and we will ask them if we need advice.

:)

[Flisspaps]

Well done you and DO

[lottiegarbanzo]

Hurray!

[recall]

Thats great !