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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be overwhelmed by persistent offers to help & invites???????

46 replies

PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 16:24

Maybe I've lost perspective & maybe I'm being a bitch, but I am genuinely feeling overwhelmed by a fellow parent's attempts to get involved in my life.

I've been on my own for 10 years & as far as I can tell I hold it all together & manage everything fine! (Maybe I'm delusional too! Wink)

In the last year one of the mum's in youngest DC's class seems to have taken "pity" on me & is constantly offering to help - even though I haven't even hinted I need or want help. Way, way too many playdate suggestions & sleep over invites issued, offering to drive places in case I'm worried about my car in the snow, offers to do pick ups & so on & so on. Most weeks I get at least one offer of "help" and an invite for DC!!!!!

Am I being a cow - or does that sound a bit much?

OP posts:
atthewelles · 11/02/2013 16:27

Once a week is hardly overwhelming. |thought, at first, she was ringing you every day offering to babysit, bring dinner over etc.
She sounds nice.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 11/02/2013 16:30

She sounds lovely, how nice that you have a friend who cares so much. Its better to have the offer of help and not need it than need it and not have it.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 16:31

But she is not my friend - I don't really know her at all!

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 11/02/2013 16:31

Doesn't sound too much. She sounds nice. Perhaps she thinks it's nice to help out a friend?

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 16:33

Maybe SHE would like company? Maybe she genuinely cares? Maybe she would actually just like her child to have company?

Have you taken her up on any of the playdate/sleepover requests?

LimeLeafLizard · 11/02/2013 16:33

Well she sounds really lovely. Maybe you should accept and allow her to become your friend. If you're not interested, just keep politely declining and she'll get the message eventually.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 11/02/2013 16:33

Maybe she wants to be your friend then.

tharsheblows · 11/02/2013 16:36

It might be nice, but it would drive me nuts too and I'd stay well away from her. (I mean that in a "what I'd do" way not a "what you should do" way.)

It's not quite normal behaviour. Offering once or twice is ok, more than that seems slightly needy or need to be needed-y. Just keep saying no.

MrsMushroom · 11/02/2013 16:38

I would bask in the knowledge that your DC are popular...it's not to do with you perhaps (apart from good parenting) but maybe your DC are vastly adored by their peers?

EuroShagmore · 11/02/2013 16:38

She's one of those types who likes to pick up what they think are waifs and strays (not saying you are, but she thinks you are) and "help" them. Just smile sweetly and decline.

Spero · 11/02/2013 16:39

Once a day is overwhelming. Once a week is not. I wish I had someone like her in my life.

valiumredhead · 11/02/2013 16:39

Goodness, imagine someone offering to help! Shock horror!

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 16:40

I've said yes to the playdates & sleep overs that it is possible for DC to do. Sometimes, I end up having to do complicated manouevres just to make it happen.

I suppose quite often it doesn't feel like help, if feels like an added complications. Not only am I keeping the show on the road, but now I am having to manage these offers. I'm not anti-social & in the past my DCs have had play dates with other people & it has all seemed normal. An offer of a playdate every single week seems excessive to me. Maybe, I'm out of touch?

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 11/02/2013 16:40

OP that would freak me out and I don't think YABU. A friendship needs to develop naturally with input from both sides. I would just keep my distance tbh.

FunnysInLaJardin · 11/02/2013 16:41

I think once a week is too much and would really back off if someone did this to me

thebody · 11/02/2013 16:41

Well she's either genuinely nice/ lonely/ nosy or maybe she fancies you.

MrsDeVere · 11/02/2013 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spero · 11/02/2013 16:47

Just say 'no thanks'. Problem solved.

Original poster
PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 16:47

MrsDeV - what your describing is normal. Blimey, I arrange playdates for my DC - I'm not some kind of weird insular human being! I'm sociable & friendly & I think I'm fairly normal. I've helped out other mums from school & have asked for it myself on the odd occasion.

Something about this doesn't feel normal, so I thought I'd sense check it on here. I hate gossip, so I'd never sound out other mums to see what they think as that really would make me a bitch.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 11/02/2013 16:49

I would find that a bit stifling tbh. I keep my distance big time from the school mums, Id really not like that.

tharsheblows · 11/02/2013 16:49

I think that's your answer then. If something about it doesn't seem normal, it probably isn't (as long as you're not generally paranoid about things - you don't seem to be). You don't have to justify it, just keep your distance.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 16:51

Bugsy, I totally am with you and can;'t believe people are mostly saying it's nice. I'd hate it.

People are lovely to me and have offered to have ds1 and 2 quite a bit since I was pregnant, now dc3 is here they still offer and tbh I find it really hard. I prefer to have my kids at home so I can relax knowing they are Ok and have all the stuffthey're used to and things they can eat etc,
I know they love being elsewhere but it's harder work for me, especially as I then feel obligated to reciprocate.

This person sounds a bit overinvested in you. I can't work out why though.

Jinsei · 11/02/2013 16:51

Wow, I quite often offer to help friends out with lifts etc. We only have one dc so I figure it's probably easier for us to ferry her around than it might be for people with other kids. Maybe they think I'm a weirdo?! Blush

RedHelenB · 11/02/2013 16:51

Yes you are - you can always say no thank you & I'd rather people offer. Get the chip off your shoulder & you may find you can return the favours!!!

AMumInScotland · 11/02/2013 16:53

Every week does sound a bit smothering. Either she's lonely, or she's the kind of person who is determined to be helpful whether you want them to or not!

How about talking next time she offers help you say with a puzzled look "Actually I'm fine in the snow, why are you so convinced I have a problem with it?" and see what she says?

And for the playdates, decide how often you find actually useful and say "It's lovely of you to invite him so often, but we find it only really works out for us to go on sleepovers once a month. How about we limit it to that?"

Set out some boundaries and see if she can adjust to that.

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