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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be overwhelmed by persistent offers to help & invites???????

46 replies

PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 16:24

Maybe I've lost perspective & maybe I'm being a bitch, but I am genuinely feeling overwhelmed by a fellow parent's attempts to get involved in my life.

I've been on my own for 10 years & as far as I can tell I hold it all together & manage everything fine! (Maybe I'm delusional too! )

In the last year one of the mum's in youngest DC's class seems to have taken "pity" on me & is constantly offering to help - even though I haven't even hinted I need or want help. Way, way too many playdate suggestions & sleep over invites issued, offering to drive places in case I'm worried about my car in the snow, offers to do pick ups & so on & so on. Most weeks I get at least one offer of "help" and an invite for DC!!!!!

Am I being a cow - or does that sound a bit much?

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 11/02/2013 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buildingmycorestrength · 11/02/2013 16:54

Funny, isn't it? I have been that person, trying to help a single mum with lots of offers of help. I just know some people are very hard to convince as they don't want to accept help or have to reciprocate or 'be a nuisance', so I over-offer.

This has made me wonder whether I make people uncomfortable. I am definitely a 'rescuer' tho...something I am working on...

Spero · 11/02/2013 16:54

If she is camping on your doorstep or living in your attic, then you have fot problems.

She is asking you once a week if your children would like a play date or you would like a lift somewhere??

Actually no on reflection, you are right, this is deep,y freaky and disturbing behaviour. I would get a harassment warning served on her interfering arse pronto.

You may have gathered I am slightly bitter that no one ever offers me lifts or play dates and it would be bloody nice if they did.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 16:54

'Sometimes, I end up having to do complicated manouevres just to make it happen.' this, exactly.

I often say yes just to be polite. I often say no, and then the pressure is put on so I end up agreeing to it when I really don't want to.

I don't find it easier to have one child with another family, another child with someone else - I like them at home with me, because I actually miss them when they are at school all day. People think they are helping me but it's not, and I can't tell anyone that so I just make excuses when I can and say yes the rest of the time.

I know they mean well.

Original poster

PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 16:57

arf at MrsDV - I'm starting to think I may well be!

Jinsei - I haven't said I think she is weird, I said I felt over-whelmed.

RedHelenB - as a single mum that works full time, it is very hard to return favours - particularly favours I didn't want, need or ask for! That doesn't feel good - if feels like I am indebted to someone for things I didn't want in the first place. Please explain what exactly the chip on my shoulder is?

OP posts:

WhichIsBest · 11/02/2013 16:59

I agree with thebody, she fancies you. Or, you know, she's just too nice.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 11/02/2013 17:00

She sounds, tbh, a little like someone who likes to feel people need 'help' in order to make herself feel better about something or other in her life. And/or she wants to be closer to you than you want to be to her.

I know someone like this - expressing itself in different ways - and it rang bells with me.

So YANBU. Thank her effusively for all offers, accept those playdate suggestions that work for you (if your dc are friends with hers, for example - are they? - you might accept more of them), and remain impeccably friendly but with clear boundaries.

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 17:00

Playdates aren't 'help',by your own admission, and I have never known them to be, so you need to omit those from your op as they're irrelavent to your problem!

You do sound prickly, but maybe it's because you're used to doing things alone and are quite good at it that an offer of help flummoxes you and you see it as a judgement of your capabilities rather than just something people DO offer occassionally.

I am forever offering to help my mate, she bought me a huge bar of chocolate today because I have the sniffles. She rocks.

I would try and get to know her a little more, you may be surprised, maybe she thinks you CAN cope and ARE coping brilliantly that perhaps you might want a break?

Maybe she wants a break and needs a mate to earn 'break' points with?

YANBU to not be that friendly or sociable (honestly not a criticism) if it's not your thing, but YABU for assuming the other mum's intentions.

Mumsyblouse · 11/02/2013 17:05

Regardless of whether other people would like to have a friend like this, I think it is odd that she hasn't picked up your disinterest in having these offers of help. And, playdates are not helpful. I would find it too much, if only because I like to choose my friends and however nice and helpful, I just don't want to spend too much time with some people and I hate then having to do all the work of avoiding them, whereas if they were slightly more sensitive, they might move on to a more reciprocal friendship.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 17:05

'it is very hard to return favours - particularly favours I didn't want, need or ask for! That doesn't feel good - if feels like I am indebted to someone for things I didn't want in the first place.'

YES! Oh God you could be me.

Why do people assume tat taking your children when you're not begging them to, is such a huge favour? I'm not trying to be mean - some of the people who do this/offer this are the most excelent people I know, but I just don't understand, why I'd want someone else to look after my kids.

I don't sign wth relief when they go with another family, I spend the time worrying, feeling obliged to say thankyou a lot, stay next to my phone, in case they text with any problems, not go to sleep, go in the garden, settle the baby, or start anything because I don't know when I'll have to answer the phone or door.

Not that I like looking after othr people's kids either. what works for me is if they keep theirs with them, and I keep mine with me. Perhaps I'm weird. I am very very friendly and smiley though, if that helps.

Original poster

PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 17:08

Aldi - good point. I do get anxious about not being able to reciprocate generally, because I have so little time for anything & have to manage mine & the DCs time so carefully. When I know I can't return a playdate, I always take flowers or a cake or something with the apology of not being able to return the favour. I guess that is my own problem though.

OP posts:

Procrastinating · 11/02/2013 17:09

YANBU and YANB a cow. A school mother did this to me recently and it made me uncomfortable. I can't reciprocate with playdates etc either, and I want to spend the little spare time I have with my family and not hers.

We did a few of the things she wanted, then I made some excuses. She has since moved on to bombarding another parent and is really quite hostile with me (I remain polite and friendly). She's a loon as I thought.

I would find once a week far too much, have excuses ready and she will get the message.

FunnysInLaJardin · 11/02/2013 17:13

and yes, hate people doing stuff for me and then I 'owe' them. I barely have enough time for my family and certainly don't want to feel indebted to someone for something I didn't want in the first place!

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 17:19

I take chocolate too, or eggs or something from the garden.

But though I think it's nice for the kids to play with their friends sometimes, I really cannot manage it here, I can barely cope with the normal stuff, in fact I am not really coping with that, and it's a tip, and most of the time I can't even speak to my own children as the baby is crying so much. I just want everything to be simple, and to have them around - there is hardly any time with them as it is.

There are some parents I know who LIKE to farm out their children as much as they can but I hate it.

bigyellowfish · 11/02/2013 17:23

it is very hard to return favours - particularly favours I didn't want, need or ask for! That doesn't feel good - if feels like I am indebted to someone for things I didn't want in the first place.'

There is a word for this. From another post a while ago

Arigata-meiwaku (Japanese): An act someone does for you that you didn?t want to have them do and tried to avoid having them do, but they went ahead anyway, determined to do you a favor, and then things went wrong and caused you a lot of trouble, yet in the end social conventions required you to express gratitude

I share the sentiment, trust your instincts.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 11/02/2013 17:24

YaBU. Sheesh, someone offers to help, it is not an insult.

Spero · 11/02/2013 17:34

Why are you making such heavy weather about this? You don't want her involved in your life, just politely refuse. She will get the message eventually, unless she really is mad or suffering unrequited love for you.

I just find it so sad that people seem so buttoned up and so suspicious of letting other people into their lives.

Floggingmolly · 11/02/2013 17:40

So many people saying "play dates are not particularly helpful"...
They can be, on occasion, but there is no evidence that the mum in this case is trying to be helpful; she may be just looking for friends for her child?
Yab very oversensitive.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 11/02/2013 17:46

arigata Meiwaku.

Thankyou for that.

LimeLeafLizard · 11/02/2013 18:36

arigata Meiwaku. What a great expression.

Original poster

PostBellumBugsy · 11/02/2013 18:43

Love Arigata-meiwaku. That is so often what it feels like!

Spero - I'm not making heavy weather of it. I haven't said a bad word about the woman - I just wanted to check if I was being a bitch. Some think I am probably being a bit at that end of the spectrum, others don't. Mumsnet is a great place to do a sanity check & I am grateful for all the input.

OP posts:

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