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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding Aibu :)

29 replies

HandbagCrab · 10/02/2013 16:17

Someone who I thought was a good friend is getting married.

We've been invited to the country hotel child free wedding. They've thoughtfully booked all the cheaper rooms in the hotel for specific named guests so if we wanted to stay it would be fairly expensive.

The hen night is looking like a £££ extravaganza a fair distance from home and involving things I'm not that bothered about doing. This friend was my bm but she didn't come to my hen as she said couldn't afford it because she had already planned a trip to where we were going a couple of weeks after the hen.

I can afford it but I don't want to spend so much on a hen and wedding as I can think of other things I'd rather spend the money on. I know it's her wedding and hen and she can do what she likes but Aibu for not wanting to go along with it? I feel bad I can't just be easy going about it, but I feel it's just too much commitment from me being asked (time and money). Should I tell her how I really feel or make up excuses? We will go to the wedding but we may not stay all day or overnight (as they have said they would like everyone to do) as it depends on what childcare we can arrange.

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 10/02/2013 16:18

Don't go then. Say you can't afford it

EllieArroway · 10/02/2013 16:31

They'd like everyone to stay overnight? I bet they would, provided they don't have to pay for it.

It annoys me so much that people these days seem to expect others to fork out, literally, hundreds to celebrate their wedding. It's cheeky & presumptuous.

OP - do what you can afford to. Skip the hen (for the same reason she skipped yours) and just go for the wedding, leaving in the evening. And don't feel guilty - you have no reason to.

Leeds2 · 10/02/2013 16:38

Skip the hen do. No need to give a reason.

Go to the wedding. Stay over if you want to, but don't feel obliged to do so. If you would prefer to leave that night then leave.

Original poster
HandbagCrab · 10/02/2013 16:40

Thanks, it's the guilt because I can afford it, I just don't want to spend the money on someone else's wedding and hen! Plus trying to find all weekend childcare for a toddler.

OP posts:
TeamEdward · 10/02/2013 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore · 10/02/2013 16:44

Skip the hen, and find a travelodge for the wedding. Otherwise you're in danger of being the bad friend, rather than the 'victim' of a 'selfish' woman wanting to get married and not micromanaging every guest's reqirements.

CloudsAndTrees · 10/02/2013 16:46

I wouldn't go to the hen, but I love weddings and wouldn't mind paying for accommodation. If it was too expensive though, I'd ask if there was anywhere cheaper nearby.

specialsubject · 10/02/2013 16:46

no guilt required. You've been invited to two expensive parties. They are not compulsory.

CartedOff · 10/02/2013 16:49

Just because you can afford it doesn't mean you have to spend a lot of money on this wedding/hen do. If you spend it on this then that rules out plenty of other things you could be paying for: family activities, new items, school trips etc. Just make your excuses!

BackforGood · 10/02/2013 16:51

I honestly don't see why you are moaning.
A friend has invited you to a wedding. You can go, and then come home, or, if you want to stay away, you can either go and stay in the expensive hotel room, or you can get on the internet and find a more affordable B&B. Alternatively, you can say "No thanks, I don't consider you to be that good a friend to put myself to that trouble and/or expense".
You've been invited, not ordered to be somewhere.
Same with the hen night - "No thanks, I can't make that, but I'll see you at the wedding" is a complete sentence. I genuinely don't see why there is anything to be asking if YABU about Confused

Pigsmummy · 10/02/2013 17:34

Defo go to wedding but skip the Hen?

ENormaSnob · 10/02/2013 17:48

Don't go.

Have you got easily accessible childcare to attend the wedding?

Original poster
HandbagCrab · 10/02/2013 18:03

I feel unreasonable backforgood whether there is reason to feel that way is another matter. We go to everything we are invited to if we can and I know how it can hurt to invite people to things that mean a lot to you but they make it clear that it's just not a priority for them.

We haven't had any offers of overnight childcare since ds was born so on a practical level we probably can't stay overnight anyway, even if we do go to a cheaper hotel. The wedding party think they are doing parents a favour in making the wedding child free and I just don't think they realise not everyone has got lots of doting grandparents offering to do long periods of childcare so they can have a break. aldi it's her wedding and she can do as she pleases, I don't think she is selfish but I also don't think she understands we can't just drop our ds or want to drop our ds to spend hundreds on massive benders.

I am going to end up being the 'bad' friend I think if I don't do the hen and I feel sad about that as I try to be a good friend. I feel like if I truly was a good friend I wouldn't resent the travel or cost but then I also know this friend didn't do that for me and I doubt she lost sleep over it.

Thanks to everyone saying its ok not to want to spend loads on a hen and wedding. Everyone else I know tried to keep the costs down so I've never been in this position before, every other time I have been able to go without thinking about it :)

OP posts:
nkf · 10/02/2013 18:06

Only go to whatever you want to go to and can afford to go to.

maninawomansworld · 12/02/2013 09:36

Just go to the bits you want to go to and are happy to pay the given amount for. Don't go to the rest - simple as.

YouOldSlag · 12/02/2013 09:43

I's perfectly Ok not to go to a hen night. As for the wedding, well you don't have to go, but just go to a bit of it and make it a day trip or stay somewhere cheaper. Personally the last hen night I went to cost me £600 and I didn't enjoy it and vowed never to go on one ever again. I find them a bit OTT these days.

If you can't get childcare, just say so and send a nice gift.

It's fine to have a child free wedding, but a bride must accept that some people won't be able to go.

ButternutSquish · 12/02/2013 18:00

Well I've just had my hen weekend. I would've liked to have a pampering do in Bath but my friends wanted a proper knees up at Butlins which was much more to their budgets, so that's what we did.

I did get annoyed that some people didn't go, but that was because they didn't bother to reply! Any reasonable person, Bride or not will understand if it's not your 'thing' or that you can't go.

Do go to the wedding though just decline the room. It'll all be ok! Smile

Floralnomad · 12/02/2013 18:03

I wouldn't go to the hen ,citing the cost and I wouldn't go to the wedding citing child are issues , but then I'm a miserable sod !

mrsjay · 12/02/2013 18:06

id skip the hen and go to the wedding you dont have to stay in the hotel if you dont want too, I was at a wedding where they invited guests to stay but the hotel was 20 minutes from my house we just went home , the couple wanted their guests to have breakfast with them [cnfused]

ZenNudist · 12/02/2013 18:11

If you don't like her enough to spend the money don't.

Just cite childcare issues and make like you're Sad not to go.

It's perfectly reasonable to choose how you spend your money. Other people's child free country house weddings not your idea of a good time. Id love it, but if the hotel was extortionate I'd find a cheaper b&b nearby, checking I can afford cab fare.

My parents don't live near me but for the odd wedding they've kindly joined us paying for their own hotel room or staying at my in laws whilst we attend weddings. Even children welcome ones, we don't want to juggle a baby/toddler at a wedding.

Domjolly · 12/02/2013 18:12

We have been inbited to a child free wedding mid week in march we cant afgord to go and no one can have ds

So were not going simple

Greensleeves · 12/02/2013 18:33

I wouldn't go to a "child-free" wedding anyway

The whole thing sounds like a crashing bore to me.

Nickname27 · 12/02/2013 18:39

I love a child free wedding Grin

Nice place, a break from the children, I'd be there like a shot Grin.

Just don't stay if you don't want to.

frustratedashell · 12/02/2013 18:46

If shes that good a friend surely she will understand? Dont go to the hen night. If you can manage to go to the wedding then do but if you cant afford it just tell her the truth. If she doesnt understand then shes not much of a friend. Your priorities have changed now that youre a mum, she should appreciate and respect that.

TooMuchRain · 12/02/2013 19:01

I wouldn't go to a "child-free" wedding anyway

Surely that's totally irrelevant, the point is do you wish this person well and do want to be part of their wedding celebration. And to be honest it sounds like the OP isn't too keen on her friend anyway.

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