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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to back off from a friend because his girlfriend is jealous?

50 replies

Theicingontop · 10/02/2013 14:23

I'll try to keep it short. Basically, my friend has had an on-off relationship with the mother of his children for a few years. I have never met her, we are former colleagues and have kept in touch over facebook, the odd coffee or lending books to eachother etc.

I guess we have very unique similar interests, so we don't have anyone else we know that have any of the same hobbies, not even my OH (who thinks I'm a massive geek and is thankful to friend for keeping it out of his earshot ) which means that we talk a fair bit. We get on really well.

Recently, he's back on with his ex. And she's told him that she isn't happy with him talking to me, and that she's always suspected that my friend may have feelings for me. She's asked him to cut me out of his life, basically.

I'm shocked, and a bit upset. But I understand. I've tried to imagine it from her point of view, their relationship is unsteady, and she has reason to not fully trust him around other women. He slept with one of our colleagues when they were broken up... I think in her position I'd be wary too. He's told me he's not going to stop speaking to me, and that she's being unreasonable.

Is this any of my business? No. But has he told me anyway? Yes. So I feel kind of responsible for her feelings, being that our friendship seems to be causing her pain. So, would it be best to back off despite his insistence that he doesn't want me to? I don't know.

Tell me to move this to relationships if it's misplaced, I thought I could get some good answers from you guys.

OP posts:

KatyTheCleaningLady · 10/02/2013 16:05

If a wife of a friend objected to our friendship (especially if there was any history of cheating) then I'd totally understand. I am less certain when it's a non-marriage, but this fellow does have children with the woman.

Just because YOU have no bad intentions doesn't mean that he doesn't entertain some feelings for you. I think you're right to back off and give them room.

HarryTheHungryHippo · 10/02/2013 16:08

Do you think he likes you?

Branleuse · 10/02/2013 16:11

i think you should back off out of respect for her. He probably does like you, and is probably enjoying playing you off against each other, otherwise why would he tell you.

Original poster

Theicingontop · 10/02/2013 16:11

I'm in my twenties, amillionyears. I think you could be right. It's never caused problems for me and OH before, we've been together since we were 14 and have friends of both sexes from back then.

OP posts:

mrsbunnylove · 10/02/2013 16:21

from what you've posted, i don't like your friend. he wants to be back with the mother of his children but does not respect her enough to consider her feelings or to put his 'friendships' with other women aside.

that's not a nice man.

CloudsAndTrees · 10/02/2013 16:31

I don't think it makes him a horrible Man just because he wants to continue his platonic, completely harmless friendship. He was in the wrong for sleeping with someone else, and he's in the wrong for not standing up to his controlling girlfriend and telling her that he will continue his friendship. He shouldn't be lying to her about your friendship, but then she shouldn't be putting him in a position where he feels he has to. She is almost asking to be lied to. And if she doesn't trust him, they have next to no relationship anyway.

OP, I don't think you should back off at all. Just carry on as you normally would unless you want to lose your friend for good. Their relationship won't last if she wants to control who he speaks to and doesn't trust her, and it would be sad for your friend if he lost you and his relationship.

RunnerHasbeen · 10/02/2013 16:33

You could maybe stop seeing him one-on-one for a bit. Either with partners and families in tow or at some sort of meet up for people with the same interest, so there will at least be a group of you. It might be the intensity of your relationship or the exclusivity she minds. I'm not saying she is right to make these demands but it is hard when you don't hear her side of it to just write her off as controlling and insecure.

CloudsAndTrees · 10/02/2013 16:37

If she believes he has feelings for another woman, why would she have got back with him?

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/02/2013 16:51

I dont understand why she has an issue with him sleeping with someone while they were split up, maybe if he had cheated in the relationship i'd understand.

Until the boundaries of friendship are blurred, then no can object to it, if its just a friendship, but without knowing all sides, cant really comment.

Original poster

Theicingontop · 10/02/2013 17:22

I know what you mean GregBishops but I don't feel I can judge her for that, or at all really since I don't know the woman at all.

I think if me and OH were on and off, and he slept with someone he worked with... then him having a steady friend also from work would raise an alarm bell for me. I'd also be crushed that he slept with someone else, so I get it.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 10/02/2013 17:28

I can't stand people who want to be in charge of their partner's friendships. It is dictatorial, controlling and offensive.

Mrsbunnylove, I find your perspective rather tragic. Why should the OP's friend give up his friendship just because his girlfriend says so?!

It's fundamentally about the fact that the OP is female. How ridiculous for that to be an issue. And I may have missed it, but I didn't read that the OP's friend had cheated in the past....?

If the relationship between the OP's friend and his girlfriend works out, it won't be because of the OP's friendship. It's a complete red herring. The trust is there or it's not there.

Branleuse · 10/02/2013 17:34

if he had any loyalty to his partner, he wouldnt be discussing how unreasonable she was with his female friend and saying how he was going to ignore her. I think it sounds like she is insecure because hes cultivated the insecurity or is completely insensitive or uncaring of her feelings.

maybe dont back off completely, but be wary. If shes feeling scared of losing him to someone else, it may not be entirely innocent

earlierintheweek · 10/02/2013 17:52

Branleuse - I don't really agree with that. I know if it was a woman who was being told not to be friends with her best female friend by a partner, this place would be up in arms.

TidyDancer · 10/02/2013 17:59

Exactly earlier.

And Branleuse, if the girlfriend had any respect for her partner, she wouldn't try to dictate his friendships.

This is a subject full of massive double standards. If the OP was male, there would be no question that the partner was being ridiculous. It beggars belief that are so many people not trusting their partners to be friends with a member of the opposite sex.

Original poster

Theicingontop · 10/02/2013 18:02

They were very much broken up when he had this brief relationship with a coworker, he'd been moved out for a couple of months.

OP posts:

Goldenbear · 10/02/2013 20:26

Theicing, you didn't answer my question - do you know for sure this is what she has requested or is he using it as an excuse to either spend less time with you or he can't be around you because he's attracted to you? Sometimes when people are spending time on their relationships, their friendships can be neglected but it is a choice by both involved.

redexpat · 10/02/2013 20:54

My DH was jealous of all my male friends, then he met them and kept commenting on what nice guys they all were. Yes, that's why theyre my friends dear! I think you two should try and meet. And if that doesn't work then what happens next is down to him really.

DizzyZebra · 10/02/2013 20:55

I don't know whether YABU because i'm in the same sort of situation.

One of my friends has been seeing a girl for a while. I haven't seen the friend for a while as i live 2 hours away now, But i popped down for a visit (Not just him, everyone, but his ex is my best friends sister so it was inevitable i'd see him).

I feel so bad because his girlfriend messaged me telling me she wants to be friends with me but that she's insecure and jealous of me because i'm (Her words) so pretty. I made a bit of a joke about myself and said 'That's because you've not seen me in the morning when i look like a full on bloke' and she seemed better and chatted.

Then idiot friend made some comments on a photo of mine, he didn't realise the photo was of me (No one did, even my OH, as it is manipulated) and upset her and she's deleted me.

She then messaged me earlier saying i shuold hang out with her, i said i will but i'm feeling ever so weird about it, I'm angry at my friend for what hesaid - He knows shes insecure and shouldnt have been comenting what he did no matter who it was in the photo, And i feel as though i should distance myself on visits and only speak to him when others are present etc.

It's bloody hard work and you have my sympathy.

DizzyZebra · 10/02/2013 20:57

I have to go against some posters here though - I don't think the man was being unreasonable in telling OP. If the wife expects him to cut her out then she deserves to know the truth. I would be extremely hurt if i were just cut out with no idea why and the person were someone i considered a good friend.

Original poster

Theicingontop · 11/02/2013 12:52

We don't spend an awful lot of time together in person, Goldenbear, he works nights, I have DS and OH. We mainly chat online, I don't think we've been for a coffee since before Christmas. It's always been that way. We mainly email and chat.

I got an email from him this morning asking if everything was cool, because I haven't been in touch a lot since he told me about it all. I feel very awkward.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 12:55

I may have this wrong, but it sounds like your friend is loving this attention from two women.

He's being unfair.

dreamingbohemian · 11/02/2013 13:06

I think you should just try to put it out of your mind and let him deal with it.

One of my best friends is a man and I think his wife is not too crazy about me -- unlike your friend, he has never told me directly, but I suspect he is not completely open with her about our friendship. (Nothing dodgy going on, he just likes a quiet life basically.) I just tune it out and leave it to him. We're not doing anything wrong. If it ever gets to a point where he has to end our friendship, it wil suck big time, but I'm just not going to worry about it until then.

I don't feel like I owe her anything, because she's being completely unreasonable, if you see what I mean.

Thewhingingdefective · 11/02/2013 13:17

Is there any way you could meet the OH and reassure her you pose no threat? Or would that make it worse?

It is a shame that you are in this situation when you are doing nothing wrong.

blueberryupsidedown · 11/02/2013 13:27

If I was friend with a bloke for over a year, I would have met his girlfriend/partner/wife.

This sounds very teenager-ish. But there are children involved. Either make the effort to meet his girlfriend so that she sees she has no reason to feel threatened by her, or give your friend some space for now so that he can work on his relationship and be with his children.

Original poster

Theicingontop · 11/02/2013 13:43

She hasn't been in the picture much until recently, blueberry. If they'd have been together all this time I'm sure I'd at least have her as a friend online iyswim.

It is teenagerish, and that's what makes it more awkward for me. I'm not used to this sort of drama, I left all that behind when I left school. I'm good friends with a few men, some of which have partners that I don't know very well, but this sort of thing has never come up before.

I think space is a good idea.

OP posts:

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