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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

695 replies

DelphineD · 09/02/2013 23:10

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

OP posts:
seeker · 12/02/2013 05:25

"
Have you never heard of rent boys or the current care home/sex ring scandal that is all over the news? The fact these boys and men are exploited by men doesn't alter their suffering or make them less of a victim of sex trafficking. "

Yes,I have. How is those relevant to the discussion?

ledkr · 12/02/2013 07:54

Is this stil going? I have up because its frustrating to see so many women accepting of this and then telling those of us with an ounce of self respect that we are uptight or insecure.
I'm interested to know if its a generational thing are young women back in the situation if thinking men are simple creatures who need to be tirilated.
Are these the same generation who post on here about how to @fer over" an affair or "my dh isn't abusive but he hit me yesterday"
The majority of the women who say they wouldn't accept their dh going to strip clubs wouldn't actually need to be controlling and say no because they are married to respectful intelligent men who wouldn't want to.

ledkr · 12/02/2013 07:55

Sorry I gave up

EllieArroway · 12/02/2013 08:26

Ledkr & Seeker

Thank you for your well thought out posts. This has never happened to me on MN before, but you have changed my mind.

Can't really elaborate as I have to go to work now - but I am a big fan of personal choice. I always took the view (without stopping to think too much) that if a woman chooses to flash her bits and a man chooses to pay to see that then....OK. Their choice.

But you're right - this attitude falls apart when you confront the fact that 98% of these women are not choosing anything - at best it's a Hobson's Choice.

Anyway, thank you for opening my eyes to something that I really should have seen for myself. I shall learn more about the whole thing.

ledkr · 12/02/2013 08:33

Ellie for what it's worth If my dh decided to go to one I wouldn't try to stop him but he would know that it would offend me and our daughters and that at the very best he would lose a lot if my respect for him.
He wouldn't be the person I thought he was you see. It would change us.

worridmum · 12/02/2013 08:34

I am not trivalizing the asspects of of the sex trade I was just commenting on that the OP watched a male stripper and very few people cared about that but alot more people were saying LTB / deal breaker if their husbands went to a strip club would you find it acceptable if your husband/ boyfreind/ partner refused to let you see a male stripper? I bet if you posted that it would be met with a a huge amount of fuss saying the partner is controlling etc

sorry I am posting this i just hate hyprocticy

MechanicalTheatre · 12/02/2013 09:00

worridmum

To say that watching a male stripper is the same as watching a female stripper is to completely ignore all political context.

Also, do male strippers grind their balls in people's faces?

Thought not.

worridmum · 12/02/2013 09:29

Ok so its perfectily ok to exploit and objectify men then Mechanical? I dont ignore the problems effect female strippers but how come its not ok for one gender to do put perfectly ok for it to happen to the other gender the main problem with feminism they only care about there on gender rather then wanting to create an equal socitey just look at the rates for DV its a sad fact men still do get laughed out of police stations for reporting domestic abuse and there is only 4% of the founding for mens shelters (last time i researched it there were a grand total of 4 shelters) while yes women are the majority of cases should we completely trivilise the minotiry

so basically my point is if it not ok to objectify women it SHOULD NOT be ok to objectiy men as they are our equals but the number of women that hate there husbands going to theses places who are then perfectly happy to go to a watch a male stripper is just being a full blown hypocrate.

FreudiansSlipper · 12/02/2013 09:34

worried mum maybe you need to read up on what goes on and the difference in the way strippers are treated

that is not to say men and boys have not been exploited in the sex industry they have and no one here is supporting it

I have worked with many ex sex workers what they have to deal with day to day is revolting its the attitude towards these women that they are to buy for fun nothing more. I also know a guy who runs a male dancing stripping group I have seen the women around these men they get silly, stupid but they do not insult the men they do not treat them as pieces of meat they idolise them in a rather childish way. Neither is right but it is very different

FreudiansSlipper · 12/02/2013 09:39

and do you really think every women case of dv is taken seriously, do you think that she is automatically given a place to move away to, gets the legal support she needs

I agree that dv needs to be addressed seriously for both sexes there is nothing stopping men highlighting the problems men in dv situations face and nothing stopping women supporting this but the reason the re is support for women is that women have had to fight for it and still are and they have had to because it is such a big problem

ledkr · 12/02/2013 09:54

Reading the last few posts made me realise that I would t want a strange mans sweaty arse crack and balls anywhere near me ugh.

seeker · 12/02/2013 10:28

Thank you so much for that, Ellie- wow, you've made my day!

seeker · 12/02/2013 10:37

Worriedmum- nobody is saying that it's perfectly OK to exploit or objectify men and boys.

However, there is a difference. In scale, apart from anything else. And in perception, and in the knock on effect on society at large. I suspect that a large part of the appeal of male strippers for those women who like them is the element of role reversal- it's funny and exciting to be "in control". Completely different from the usual roles of men and women in society.A female stripper dancing for a man is reality taken to extremes- the end of a continuum which starts with the assumption of male power. They are quantitively different things. I'm not sure I've explained that well- I'll try again if I haven't.

Oh, and by the way, I think male strippers are distasteful and degrading to all concerned.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2013 11:08

I am beyond tired of getting involved in these threads

But for the record, I object to the sex industry in all it's forms. That includes male strippers, male escorts, male whatevers.

But these threads always get derailed with a what about the menz rhetoric. This thread wasn't about the feelings of a man, it was about OP's feelings. And she is a woman. So if I were her, I would think it beyond rude to keep harping on about how men have it bad too.

MechanicalTheatre · 12/02/2013 16:39

Is that what I said worridmum ? That it's ok for men to be exploited?

No. It is not. I suggest you practise not extrapolating complete bollocks from what you've read.

Like you AF, I am SO tired of these threads and I am SO tired of explaining that I think the sex industry is shit in all its forms but that IT AFFECTS WOMEN MORE.

Still, we have changed one poster's mind upthread, so that can only be a good thing.

VisualiseAHorse · 12/02/2013 16:44

To be honest, I would think it a little weird if there WASN'T a stripper at a stag do. I'd be expecting it.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2013 16:48

Yep, MT. One soul at a time, eh ? < sigh >

FreudiansSlipper · 12/02/2013 16:56

Visual I think that is a shame that is what you would expect

the sex industry in recent years has become normalised to such an extent many think a stag night or a big celebration birthday should include a woman rubbing herself over her punter and often on business nights out too

this has nothing to do with the fact we are more open about sex it just that a few have used this to exploit women (and a few men of course) and so many have bought into it 20 years ago most women would have been disgusted at the thought but now we are more liberal it's ok Hmm

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou · 12/02/2013 17:01

If he was going to cheat on you it wouldn't be with a stripper. They are there to do a job and that is it. He could just as easily be unfaithful in a club/bar/pub.

If you trust him it isn't a problem for you.

If you don't trust him the relationship is pointless and he will be going to his brothers stag do anyway.

I wouldn't have a problem with this unless he was paying for a private lap dance or it was his stag do and they were targeting him. (I just think that is a bit too close). My DP understands and respects that but I trust him to make his own decisions and wouldn't be interrogating him when he returned.

seeker · 12/02/2013 17:05

And round and round we go..................

delboysfileofax · 12/02/2013 17:46

Anyfucker- have you considered going to the police? You know, to report the person with the gun to your head forcing you to comment on these threads you are so sick of?
And it wasnt a "what about the menz" men were only brought into this because the OP was an outrageous hypocrite and was quite happy to watch male strippers. So men were brought into it because its relevant to the point

But hey ho, doesnt quite fit with your agenda does it.

seeker · 12/02/2013 18:06

Delboy- Several people have explained the difference between male and female strippers. They have also said that sexual exploitation is unacceptable, whoever the exploiter and exploited are.

Could you read the thread then come back and post again? Otherwise we're just going to have lots of misunderstandings and repetition.

seeker · 12/02/2013 18:07

Oh, and the OP wasn't "quite happy" to watch male strippers. She was put into a situation, like so many men seem to be, where she felt she had no choice- and regretted it.

delboysfileofax · 12/02/2013 18:11

"it seemed a bit hypocritical, but i went anyway"
doesnt sound to me like someone in a situation they cant get out of.

Fillyjonk75 · 12/02/2013 18:17

It would be the dishonesty that bothers me. When DH went to a strip club on one friend's stag do he told me about it. Fortunately most of his friends didn't organise anything of the kind for their dos. He also told me when two women chatted him up at a work do (I think as he was so shocked :)).