Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up when people have an opinion on how many children you have or want

471 replies

brummiegirl1 · 09/02/2013 20:58

I have 2 young boys aged 2 and 7 months and would like 4 children if i'm lucky enough as i was an only child and knew i wanted a big family. Before i went off on maternity leave with my youngest a woman at work said are you done now and i said i would like more children in the future and she said im mad.

Other people have also asked the same thing. Is it me? I wouldn't dream commenting on how many children someone wants or has as it's up to them, when im asked now i feel all defensive about it and don't want to tell them like im a naughty teenager not a 33 year old married woman!

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 10/02/2013 13:04

But I don't think anyone here is saying no one should have ANY children, LilQueenie. They're just saying that, for the sake of everyone, we should limit our family size. More sensible and realistic.

Tasmania · 10/02/2013 13:10

Annunziata - see, that's what's a little unsettling here. So you wanted to have that many kids without ever thinking about how life would be like for them in future - especially if people made the same decisions as you. As a mother, really, you should think about your child's quality of life first, and not just say "I want them" without any fear of the consequences.

EddieIzzardIsOrange · 10/02/2013 13:11

I got this type of comment the other day - I have 1 child (2 year old DS) and am pregnant, mentioned to a colleague that I'll be going off in April for maternity leave and got hit with a barrage of "What? Again? So soon? Yet another baby?"

I didnt think 2 kids or a 2.4 year gap was particularly outrageous but each to their own I guess...

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 10/02/2013 13:11

But I agree with you on everything else. You are clearly a principled person :)

Population concern is seen as such a dirty thing in some quarters, going hand in hand with China, murder or abandonment of girl babies, dictators, enforced abortion, eugenics even. It really isn't like that. Truth is, there are too many people and we should be concerned enough to choose to do something about it. Comes down to two words: education and contraception.

LilQueenie · 10/02/2013 13:12

I see your point. TBH it makes me wonder how many couples would have kids at all if they had to go through all the checks you do with ivf.

Annunziata · 10/02/2013 13:22
Hmm

I'm an irresponsible mother now? Does anyone with 1 child or 2 children know what their lives will be like in the future? No. I had my children because we had the time, space and money to bring them up the way we thought was best. That's all any parent can do, and it's all most parents do.

Comes down to two words: education and contraception.

This is what you get all the time. That you're some thick (or overly religious) idiot.

Ministrone · 10/02/2013 13:23

There is such a thing as deferred gratification, which I guess goes hand-in-hand with such novel ideas as being aware that the planet has finite resources and that it is not absolutely necessary to breed.

juule · 10/02/2013 13:24

lilqueen it seems that you won't have more children due to ivf, you don't feel you could cope with more, you don't want more and you think with more you would be a terrible mother. Nothing wrong with those reasons but if that's how you feel then the ethical choices regarding overpopulation are less difficult for you. If none of those reasons applied and you felt desperately broody for another child then like a lot of people you could probably come up with reasons which justified your choice to have more. Those reasons might seem very feeble to someone who felt
strongly about overpopulation.

Tasmania · 10/02/2013 13:30

Juule:

  • If you see something in a shopping window that you want but can't afford, will you buy it?
  • Will you have that other tub of ice cream, given it's so yummy, even though you know the consequences wouldn't be great?

Maybe people were just spoilt by their Babyboom-generation parents, and think that everything they want, they should have...

Mosman · 10/02/2013 13:32

It certainly was not a stealth boast, it was an outright one Grin

We don't need to breed any more than we need to do anything but it's nice to and so we do.
Once day no doubt the planet will go bang and disappear in a ball of dust but in the meantime we'll just keep calm and carry on.

juule · 10/02/2013 13:34

"especially if people made the same decisions as you"

But not everyone is making the same decision regarding the amount of children they have. You can't base your decisions on whether everyone else is going to do the same thing.

"As a mother, really, you should think about your child's quality of life first, and not just say "I want them" without any fear of the consequences."

You cannot guarantee a completely safe future for you children.
Too many variables. You do the best you can and hope it's good enough.

Bunbaker · 10/02/2013 13:35

"I love all the chaos they bring!"

I don't. I hate it

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 10/02/2013 13:35

Annunziata, despite the fact you have lots of children, this thread is not specifically about you. What in my post made you think I was referring to you explicitly? However, now you have brought it up, yes, it's attitudes like yours I referred to in previous posts, that you can't have a balanced conversation about this without someone who's had lots of children extrapolating offence, judgement and insult from the discussion.

I have no doubt you understand how contraception works. You just chose to ignore it to have a large family, and by your own admission with little thought to your children's futures. Which I've no doubt you'll also find offensive.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 10/02/2013 13:39

Mosman that's an admirable sentiment, but it will be hard for your kids to keep calm and carry on when they're fighting for the food, clean water, health and education provision, space, areas to dispose of rubbish, access to countrysideand fresh air etc that will be in limited supply if we carry on reproducing regardless.

Ministrone · 10/02/2013 13:40

Mosman, read a few articles with Miranda Kerr "talking", she is living proof that one can be stunningly beautiful and not terribly bright, of course she and her husband can afford to have any number of children but guess what, it's not all about them or any other couple but more about the planet as a whole.

coraltoes · 10/02/2013 13:43

YANBU!! I have 1. I only want 1. If one more fucking idiot tries to tell me I'd be happier with two, that dd needs a sibling, than only children suffer etc I will feed them to the dogs! (I don't even have dogs)

juule · 10/02/2013 13:44

tasmania I have had to without a lot of things due to having children. Grin if I can't afford it I can't have it.

And no I didn't get everything I wanted as a child. I had to wait until I started work and like most people had to budget.

The problem with the cost of overpopulation imo is that nobody is feeling the effects to a point that causes them a problem. And the people on power don't seem to take it seriously enough so the general population isn't going to feel much urgency about it. We are surrounded by scare stories in one form or another every day. If we took them all seriously we would probably be in a permanent state of panic.

chocoluvva · 10/02/2013 13:47

It must get tiresome if people are often commenting, but I think the "you must have your hands full" comment is just a friendly acknowledgement that you must be very busy.

When my two were little I thought anyone with more than two must be mad too, as I was struggling with them. Now they're bigger I think how lucky people with more children are. If I had my time over I'd have four.

It's thoughtlessness to voice your own commonly-held assumptions about other people's families. Why is it bothering you so much, OP?

Tasmania · 10/02/2013 13:48

It is alarming that nobody is concerned that in the 1930s, there were only 2 billion on the planet. Now, there are over 7 billion - despite there having been several wars and epidemics, etc. between the two dates...

Very alarming indeed.

juule · 10/02/2013 13:49

I also think "you must have your hands full" is a friendly comment acknowledging how tiring children can sometimes be.

Mosman · 10/02/2013 14:04

Mosman, read a few articles with Miranda Kerr "talking", she is living proof that one can be stunningly beautiful and not terribly bright

I know, aren't mine lucky they are both beautiful and bright, the gene jackpot it simply cannot get any better can it ?
As it happens I am one of four, I've had four, brothers had four other two siblings have and will have none, no interest and I think you'll find the same situation repeated all over the world.

Mehrida · 10/02/2013 14:05

OP I feel for you. You posted because you're fed up with folk banging on about how many kids you should have, and you have now got a huge thread of people banging on about how many kids you should have.

In response to the question you actually asked, YANBU. I'm off on mat leave with my first and I can already hear the comments about when we'll have another one from here.

It never ends, no matter what stage in life you're at, 'when will you get a boyfriend/move in together/get engaged/get married/have a baby/have another baby/have yet another baby?' blah blah.

I think it's just something for people to make conversation about but I must say I'm a lot more cautious about it now I've had DS than I was previously.

SaladIsMyFriend · 10/02/2013 14:33

YANBU. I am with those on this thread who are fed up with comments when you have only one child - I feel your pain Sad

I have been told I must have another or my child will be sad/lonely/spoilt, it's selfish to have one, when am I having another, why aren't I having another etc. mostly by people who barely know me.

I am now pretty full on in my reply and just explain the miscarriages, cancer, chemo and early menopause to anyone who is rude enough to bring up the subject.

Just ignore and get on with your life rather than worrying what others think you should be doing.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 10/02/2013 14:35

My sister does this to me. I don't speak to her any more.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning · 10/02/2013 14:38

Oh dear, I seem to have bypassed all the politics Sad

I have three but shan't have any more.