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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DH is off to NZ for his sisters wedding and I'm not.....

107 replies

skyblue11 · 09/02/2013 11:45

Up till yesterday his Mum and Dad were going, then we find out his selfish Mum decides not to go because she is afraid of being ill whilst there, so DH steps in and says he will go, at the moment his Dad will pay for his ticket only, or will try to change the name at the least. I'm upset on a couple of counts, his job and mine are at risk, so we haven't booked a family holiday for this year but I have saved a little, this will now be used as even if his ticket is paid for then there will of course be plenty of other things he has to pay for. I accept he has to go, why would he not it's too good an opportunity to not take up the holiday of a lifetime but as a family we're missing out on this event too so I find that sad, plus the fact any chance we had of a holiday is gone. I am annoyed at my MIL for she doesn't think of the knock on effect on everything and everyone least not his employers and the job situation.....

OP posts:
FarBetterNow · 10/02/2013 10:35

FIL has flown to NZ many times before. He does NOT need a chaperone.
DH is being selfish again.
He thinks that because he really wants something he is entitled to it at everyone else's expense.
Was he a spoilt child?

Original poster
skyblue11 · 10/02/2013 10:35

Apparently they can't claim on the insurance as she is 'fit to travel' I was mortified at the price, £3.5K when I last looked flights were around £1K. I did suggest this but DH states the point of him going would be to be with FIL sat next to him and he's have to cancel his seat and waste money to go economy which he wouldn.t consider. As it is FIL has to pay £250 to change dates as they were going for 6 weeks and coming back on a cruise!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
skyblue11 · 10/02/2013 10:36

He wasn't spoiled quite the opposite, unfortunately they are quite selfish people.

OP posts:
Maryz · 10/02/2013 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarBetterNow · 10/02/2013 10:40

It gets worse, doesn't it?
I think your husband has inherited the selfish gene.
Ask him how he would feel if it was your sister in NZ and you decided to spend the family holiday fund on a holiday of a lifetime with your Mum - who was of course perfectly capable of looking after herself.

Original poster
skyblue11 · 10/02/2013 10:41

Well DH went with FIL to agent yesterday the airline won't change the name and I don't think she's even been to the GP about it in fact she's just refusing to talk about the whole thing not even to DH, she just said don't talk to me like a child when he asked if she wanted to go. She's a very strange person. I personally think they should get her to see the GP for some sort of note for the insurance I can't imagine wasting £3.5K absolute madness and it annoys me they can 'lose' that sort of cash, it's a fortune to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyblue11 · 10/02/2013 10:47

DH said yesterday that if he went I would go on about it, (which I wouldn't - I didn't about the Olympics as I knew it was important to him) so that's why he's not going he doesn't need me hassling him. I suppose it was for me to feel bad about it but I don't I'm just holding my ground here.

OP posts:
snowtimelikethepresent · 10/02/2013 10:53

DH said yesterday that if he went I would go on about it

well Skyblue judging by what you have said here I think he might have a point BUT....you would be justified in going on about it; it's a big thing. Let him make his own decision but then you really must have a serious talk about exactly why you are mithered )lords knows you have enough reason!)

JeezyOrangePips · 10/02/2013 10:57

For me it's simple. You saved the money - so use it to book a holiday for you and your child for the dates your dh will be away. He can fund his own trip!

StanleyLambchop · 10/02/2013 11:00

Sorry if I am being thick but- your DH now cannot go as the name on the ticket cannot be changed, but he is claiming he is not going as some sort of favour to you as you would not be happy about it? So he is using the fact that he can't go anyway to lay the guilt on you? Nice. Second the person who said he has inherited his parents selfish gene.

Whoknowswhocares · 10/02/2013 11:02

Is he generally this much of a selfish pig, op? Or is it the PIL pulling the strings this time?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 10/02/2013 11:08

Same as Stanley - if the name can't be changed you are in the same position as before this question came up - none of you can go...

... Actually, if you took DH's name, you might have more chance as you and MIL are both Mrs X (not serious. Well, not very.)

QuickLookBusy · 10/02/2013 11:08

Agree with Who

Whoknowswhocares · 10/02/2013 11:12

Actually I think I might already know the answer to my question. He didn't give a toss about spending the entire pool of funds on just him at the Olympics, did he? He blocked your attempts to book what was important to you ( holiday) without a care
You, selfish pig it is then Sad

Whoknowswhocares · 10/02/2013 11:13

Damn autocorrect 'yes, selfish pig' that should read! Not 'you' obviously!

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 10/02/2013 11:19

OP, this issue is a lot bigger than the dinner jacket of course, but asking on MN Local for your area or on netmums might get one he could buy, rent or borrow.

DontmindifIdo · 10/02/2013 11:21

I actually think you need to tell him you think he's being selfish, he's focussing on how to go himself, rather than thinking about his mother and his sister - surely his sister would rather his mother was there. If she's freaking out that she'll be ill there, and that panic is unfounded, then he should be trying to talk her round into going, explaining how good the healthcare is there, that she would be with family etc. Is it the flight she's worried about or that something bad will happen when she's there?

It seems he's accepted that it's normal for an otherwise healthy adult to just throw away £3.5k of someone else's money.

He needs to tell her she should at least have the decency to go to the GP to see if she can get a sick note to get the money back from the insurance (which would pay for all 3 of you to go economy class) or she and FIL pay back the Aunt who's money they are wasting because she won't just go to the GP for a 10 minute chat.

She's being unbelievably selfish - he needs to see it and say you will be very disappointed in him if he just enables this rather than point it out. (guessing this is where he got his "not thinking about the effects on the rest of the family" from)

DontmindifIdo · 10/02/2013 11:21

Oh and it's £50 to rent a dinner jacket. Why would he need to buy one?

ZacharyQuack · 10/02/2013 11:25

You can rent dinner jackets in NZ. Which is so not the point.

DontmindifIdo · 10/02/2013 11:30

Oh and also point out how hurtful his mother's behaviour is to her DD - she's not going to her own daughters wedding overseas not because she can't afford it, not because she can't get the time off work, not because it's an unsafe part of the world or because she's not fit to fly - it's basically boils down to she doesn't fancy it. I do think if you are going to miss your own child's wedding you need a bloody good reason - and she doesn't. Has anyone pointed out to her that it's unlikely her DD will ever forgive this? How it will look to her DD's ILs? That the whole family will be thinking badly of her? Will FIL tell people the truth about why she's not there or will he be making stuff up to make her look a bit better?

Can you imagine how it would look if your DM just couldn't be bothered going to your wedding? I'd be so hurt.

Point this out to your DH, he seems so focussed on getting a free holiday out of this, he's not thinking about your DSIL and what's best for the whole family, which is surely to talk his DM out of her silly behaviour and on the flight, or at very least to try to get the money back for the poor person who she's let buy her a flight, spending £3.5k of their own money, when she'd no intention of going.

Maryz · 10/02/2013 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamsparklyknickers · 10/02/2013 11:54

So not only has mil made the trip on a yearly basis before, they had a cruise booked at the other end?

Either she has some sort of massive secret she's keeping, someone's pissed her off Big Time or she's a major oddbod.

Your dh should possibly be more worried about his mothers odd behaviour than his lost opportunity for a jaunt (which incidentally is mute if the tickets can't be altered. Have you pointed out you're not the airline and he doesn't have £3k so stop been a brat and blaming you?)

Has anyone got your sil's view on all of this?

Iamsparklyknickers · 10/02/2013 11:57

Oh and I'm sure your dh has other endearing qualities and all that, but based on this thread I would cheerfully graze his heels with a shopping trolley! Not only is he behaving selfishly, but in a really irritating way!

CSIJanner · 10/02/2013 12:18

My husband bought a second hand tux in v good condition for £10 inc delivery from eBay for our wedding. Family manged to buy theirs from Moss Bros who wre selling off their ea-rental tux's for £15 all in. It can be done and he can still look good. Alternatively he can buy a black suit in the Sainsburys 20% sale when it's next on which he mix a tux shirt with and then use for interviews for later if that's any help. He does not need to go out and spend £150+ for a dinner jacket

Inertia · 10/02/2013 12:48

I think Jeezy has the solution - tell DH it's fine, he can use the free ticket, and you will use the money you've saved to book a sunshine holiday with DD during the time he's away (will it stretch to NY? )

Can the name on the ticket really not be changed - or is it just that it would cost to change it ?

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