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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my future sister in law not to announce her sudden engagement/wedding plans, less than 2 weeks after me and DP announce our last minute wedding (in May this year!)

81 replies

MadameFlutterby · 08/02/2013 21:44

Basically me and my DP have been together for 10 years, we have 2 children together and we have finally decided to get married in summer of this year. DP's sister has been with her partner for just over the same amount of time, they also have children and have always said they would never get married/shown little interest. Two weeks ago we announced our wedding plans and all of a sudden it is plastered all over facebook (we rang everybody up to let them know personally) that they are also getting wed (in approx. 2 years time so a while off yet) and are soooo excited blah bah. Every status update since yesterday has been about their 'imminent wedding' am I being unreasonable to think it is a huuuge coincidence? Not sure if I'm reading too much into it and need some perspective.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 08/02/2013 23:02

To be honest, completing your degrees is one helluva achievement, and that I can more understand going bonkers about, and celebrating!

Coconutty · 08/02/2013 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MadameFlutterby · 08/02/2013 23:04

I've come to my senses..I need to get over it! Thank you everyone for your sound advice.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/02/2013 23:07

What a downer to put on someones wedding Pure

IT doesnt matter if they have been together 10 years or 10 months, getting married is still a huge life event even if the wedding itself isnt a large do.

Original poster
MadameFlutterby · 08/02/2013 23:09

Coconutty, you're wrong there. My side of the family and close friends are very pleased for us as they see it as a celebration of a hard 10 years of studying and coming through the other side if that makes sense? In some ways we feel it is more than just a 'wedding' but a thanks to those who have supported us and a time to celebrate the start of a new life. It is their day too! It probably sounds cheesy but it's true. We have had a lot of jealousy from DP's family (DP is not close to them) over the years so in a way SIL's behaviour is not unusual.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 08/02/2013 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PureQuintessence · 08/02/2013 23:12

Yes, but lets be honest and not beat around any old bush. It really is no big deal to most people, and start a Facebook campaign, and make name points, and counting down weeks, is just a tad overdoing it.

Counting down to big degree celebration, that I can understand.

But not going bananas over getting married when you have been together a decade, live together and have kids.

Why should all brides to be get to live in cloud coo-coo land that their wedding is the be end and whistles ball for all?

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/02/2013 23:13

Grin at bluestocking

MiniEggsinJanuary · 08/02/2013 23:13

Definitely annoying OP! When DH and I announced our engagement and wedding date, SIL decided to begin a relationship, conceive and get engaged with a proposed wedding date all within four weeks! Dhe even tried to book the same venue as us for two werks before our date! Turns out she made the baby bit up and the venue was booked for her date. I was spitting feathers and had a total bridezilla moment but they broke up a few weeks afterwards and it was all for nothing. Long and short of it - I feel your pain!

PureQuintessence · 08/02/2013 23:13

If they have form, dont let anything spoil it for you. Have your celebration and invite who you want, close friends and family you get on with.

Booyhoo · 08/02/2013 23:14

actually i think getting married after 10 years is a big celebration. just like celebrating all the hard work you put into a PHD at the end of all the work, getting married after a long time together is like celebrating all you have been through including the hard work involved in being young parents and getting through any bad times (we all have those right?) together. maybe that's how weddings should be, a celebration of all you have done together after 5/10/15 years rather than a commitment to be together forever after 1/2/3 years together.

Booyhoo · 08/02/2013 23:16

oops. xposting with OP! Blush

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2013 23:17

It's the length of time both couples have been together that you can't get away from.

After all this time, when they could have done it at any point, they decide to choose a very similar time with a couple who've also been together 10 years odd.

Is that a coincidence, or is it a 'coincidence'.

I'm going for the latter.

Original poster
MadameFlutterby · 08/02/2013 23:22

It probably isn't for a be all and end all for Dp's family PureQuintessence and that's the problem I'm getting at, hence all the bitchiness from their side. But seeing as it's DP who has more to celebrate i.e. 10 years of studying and a PhD at the end of it I would expect more enthusiasm and not just a blatant snub 'by the way we're getting married too.' In a way, I'm more mad for DP as my family are over the moon. I'm really not a horrible person although it would appear so!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameFlutterby · 08/02/2013 23:27

AgentZigZag...that's the point we can't get away from! They have been so anti-marriage for so long, it just seems so out of character

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 09/02/2013 00:10

It's alright to act out of character, and they might have just got into the routine of saying 'we're not fussed about getting married' to fend off questions from persistent family members.

But it's almost as though you've worked yourself up knowing people'll be excited when they hear, and when you've told future SIL/general people, they're answering 'Oh yes, we heard, but what about XXXX and XXXX also getting married??' before a conversation about them tying the knot, when you wanted to talk about what yours meant to you.

It's not bridezilla behaviour to be upset with that, especially as it mostly on behalf your DPs feelings.

Original poster
MadameFlutterby · 09/02/2013 00:10

Thanks to all those who have helped me put some perspective on this

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/02/2013 00:58

Pure for a start, getting married after 10 years and 2 kids is a huge big deal these days, most marriages dont make it that long anymore! If a couple are still so in love and happy that they want to make a public commitment of marriage after ten years, young parenthood, financial difficulties and their studies then that is a huge big deal. I would rather go to that wedding than the wedding of 30 something A & B who have been together 3 years and havent seen a bad day in those years. I know who I would be putting my money on to be having a Golden Wedding anniversary!

And the OP didnt make a FB campaign out of it, she merely used it in a light hearted way to say "I am almost married to the love my life!". The SIL2B started the FB campaign and the OP hasnt responded which I think shows that she has far more dignity and self awareness.

DoJo · 09/02/2013 03:02

It sounds as though you've started to make your peace with the situation, but one thing which has struck me is that you seem to be laying the blame squarely at your SIL's door, when her husband-to-be is the one who's actually related to your DP and is presumably just as much involved in this oneupmanship if you really think that his choice of phd is another part of it.

As another thought which struck me reading this - do you know her family? Is it possible that she is trying to live up to a standard you have set because she is coming under pressure to do the things they hear you and HP are doing? You are lucky to have a loving and supportive family, but not everyone is so maybe she is caving under pressure rather than trying to elbow in to your joy.

manchestermummy · 09/02/2013 06:59

Going against the grain here but YANBU, esp about her going on about it two years in advance. My SIL did the same. Only she got married four weeks before us. ILs kept on asking why we had decided to get married so soon after SIL.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 09/02/2013 07:12

Haha, you think thats bad, my sister deliberarely booked her wedding for the day before my other sister was due to give birth! Wouldnt change date, wouldnt wait, insisted that was the day. Didnt realise that babies will trump a wedding every time so curtailed the excitement fairly rapidly of (if you can call it that) her big day as it was all forgotten the minute the baby appeared. Ridiculous.

nefertarii · 09/02/2013 07:17

op any more information you want to drip feed before I comment?

HappySeven · 09/02/2013 07:20

Has it occurred to you she may have been anti-marriage to try and stop people asking 'so when are you getting engaged?' It can be pretty irritating when you've been a couple for a while and it seems that everyone is asking. I did a similar thing about having children as I found the way people pried really annoying.

Now her partner's proposed she's thrilled and rightly so.

And no one would do a PhD in physics as some sort of revenge.

mum47 · 09/02/2013 08:42

manchestermummy, that is kind of what I was trying to say further up, albeit in a fairly crass and clumsy way, I felt a bit like that too - but I would say only for a short while - once you get into making the arrangements there is not time to think of anything else!

Cortana · 09/02/2013 09:47

Glad you've found some perspective. :)

Could this maybe be used as a way to build bridges between you and SIL? Common ground perhaps?