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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed with friends latest comment?

53 replies

MascaraMegan · 06/02/2013 23:11

I feel like I am because I know I'm sensitive but anyway ...

I am a very insecure person (getting much better though). Me and my friend took an exercise class together. I had my hair up in a ponytail each week and I always pull parts down (I always have my hair down as it's almost like a safety blanket) - friend would constantly comment saying - eurgh how can you have your hair like that, doesn't that annoy you? it would really annoy me! Even when I explained she still said it.

Or once in the class (it was a hot day) she decided to wear really tiny shorts, I wouldn't have the guts to do that so worn thin leggings instead - and as soon as she saw me she commented saying - OMG why are you wearing those?! You are going to boil.

These are just a couple of examples.

She knows I am not the most confident of people and I just hate having attention brought to why I'm wearing what I'm wearing etc.

Anyway tonight we were discussing what we were going to wear to a friends birthday and I said I'm wearing a new skirt that I bought last week.

Her reaction - "Oh my god, you're NOT wearing jeans? I can always rely on you to wear jeans. If I know you're going anywhere then I know it's safe to wear a pair of jeans"

Now I am being sensitive, so probably deserve a virtual slap. But I don't know ... it just really irked me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MascaraMegan · 06/02/2013 23:34

There was once where we were both trying on tops together, and I showed her and she just shrugged her shoulders and said ... yeah it's a Megan top, the type you always get.

And she comments on my eating habits - like announcing over the table

"You're a fussy eater aren't you Megan ??

When actually I wouldn't describe myself as fussy at all. I order samey things a lot because I'd rather pay for a meal I know I'll like but I'm never opposed to trying new things.

But yes I do see a lot of you have a point. I think it's just all the comments added up after time, so this last one sort of steam come out of my ears haha.

OP posts:

echt · 06/02/2013 23:37

I don'y think you're being oversensitive, OP. Everything your friend has said is quasi-critical; she's a bit insensitive. Low-level sniping, though I'd bet she doesn't even know she's doing it.

I've got through 58 years without ever saying anything uncomplimentary to anyone about their appearance. I just think it. :o

911AreBack · 06/02/2013 23:37

I think she sounds as though she may have frenemy tendencies! IME proper friends do not constantly comment on one's appearance or choice of clothing in a derogatory way, whilst frenemy-types do! But that's just my experience.

echt · 06/02/2013 23:38

Just read your last post, OP.

She's a bitch. Let her go.

MechanicalTheatre · 06/02/2013 23:38

She sounds a bit annoying, I also hate people commenting on what I'm doing/wearing etc. But if she is a good friend, then just brush it off. I don't think she's doing it to be mean.

Frawli · 06/02/2013 23:40

I can definitely understand why you don't like her drawing attention to these things but I guess it depends on why she's doing it. Like she could be doing it because she's a cowbag, or it could be because she feels frustrated because she thinks you are feeling self-conscious and you are making yourself uncomfortable, i.e. hot, sweaty and there is no need. Perhaps she's trying, with the best of intentions, to get you to try and forget what other people are thinking and just make yourself comfortable.

Next time she says it, just say, I'd rather you didn't comment on my appearance, it makes me feel uncomfortable, then at least if she perseveres you know what she's trying to do.

Pandemoniaa · 06/02/2013 23:40

But WAC can't possibly stand for Whatt (sic) A Bore. Unless you are as illiterate as you are rude, Thunderstruck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2013 23:41

Her comments in your last post sound more barbed, there's always the possibility she quite likes you lacking in confidence so she feels good about herself.

Nagoo · 06/02/2013 23:41

She likes undermining you doesn't she? What happens if you stand up to her?

DoJo · 06/02/2013 23:43

It sounds like she's asking to demonstrate that she doesn't see any reason why you should feel self-conscious about things like your hair etc. I wouldn't ask someone palpably overweight why they were covering up in a way that I thought unneccessary, but I might ask someone with a lovely figure (although only a good friend as you say she is). Perhaps she's hoping that you will verbalise your insecurities so that she can reassure you.

911AreBack · 06/02/2013 23:50

The food comments are downright rude. The frenemy I had made those sorts of remarks too. Hers was that I don't drink enough fluids and she'd laugh at how long it took me to drink a glass of wine. Always in front of others and with much smirking and eye rolling on her part! I agree with Donkeys that your friend probably likes that you lack in concidence.

With people like her if you answer them back or use strategies to deal with their comments, they just get nastier and nastier, and then throw their toys out of their pram and have a tantrum because you won't roll over and be submissive to them any longer. I'd just phase her out. You won't miss her!

Maryz · 07/02/2013 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 07/02/2013 00:45

In isolation they aren't so bad. As others have said they could just be matter-of-fact statements. Only you know the tone and whether she's intending them to get at you a bit.

I like the PP's idea of smiling sweetly and asking where the running commentary's at. Calling her out on it might stop her in her tracks if she's being bitchy, or it might just make her stop and think if she's just being a bit thoughtless. Either way it should hopefully stop her saying things.

If she continues and it bothers you just pull her to one side and explain nicely that you're sure she doesn't mean anything bad but the comments do get to you, so could she please dial it down. If she continues after that you know she's a bona fide bitch and you can tell her to do one.

justmyview · 07/02/2013 08:19

Worra is defnitely NAC

Can we report this thread for not being an AIBU question?

DontmindifIdo · 07/02/2013 08:39

Both comments about what you wear/ how you do your hair for an exercise class seem normal, she's pointing out you are over thinking how you are going to look, rather than just being practical, everyone looks bad in an exercise class! could you try to think that most people are just being practical, not thinking about appearance in the classes?

The jeans, again, sounds more like she's now concerned she's got to dress up, you're wearing a new skirt, she's planning on old jeans, had you thought that you might have made her feel like she'd got it wrong?

The food is a different issue, she might be being a bitch there. Are you a fussy eater who won't try anything new? If you always order the same dishes, you might come across as that.

Again, she might be bring a bitch, or it could be you are overthinking comments and assuming any comment is negative. Does she also ever say anything nice to you? You say these comments are over a few weeks, have you just focused on anything slight negative and ignored lots of positives?

IWorshipSatin · 07/02/2013 10:08

I had a 'best friend' like yours when I was growing up. She would constantly make comments that seemed snide to me, and actually in many cases simply weren't true. I remember once when we were about 12 and in the swimming pool and her going "I can smell BO. Can you smell BO? Do you think it might be you?" So she wasn't directly insulting me but just doing enough to make me doubt myself iyswim. Like you I'm very sensitive and have self-esteem issues, but now I look back and realise this 'friend' was one of many people who probably bedded it in!

Looking back she took advantage of me, it made her feel great to make me feel like rubbish. I don't think this friend of yours is much of a friend either tbh, I'd phase her out. These days I'm of the belief that you should surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, not the opposite. That's why I hardly have any real friends!

countrykitten · 07/02/2013 10:11

You are being really oversensitive and her comments are ordinary and run of the mill. I would not read anyting in to them at all.

irishchic · 07/02/2013 10:16

She just sounds bloody irritating actually, I would phase her out and find a new mate.

purrpurr · 07/02/2013 10:17

You're not being oversensitive at all, OP. Your friend sounds toxic. She's subtly undermining you, denting your confidence, making you feel, if anything, over sensitive when actually your reactions have been perfectly valid ones.

Did you decide yourself that you're oversensitive, or did someone tell you that you were?

countrykitten · 07/02/2013 10:24

I disagree with you purrpurr - there is nothing that the OP has said that screams 'toxic friend'! And if the OP doesn't like it - end the friendship...it's not a big deal really is it?

ohfunnyhoneyface · 07/02/2013 10:25

do you like her?

It doesn't sound like you do.

Maybe she doesn't like you, or has picked up on your dislike of her, and behaves accordingly.

I don't have any real friends who would speak to me in a way I would think was deliberately trying to upset me. I wouldn't consider them friends if they did.

Scholes34 · 07/02/2013 10:31

On the jeans question and safety in what you wear, it's not just for school children - works well enough for men, when they all wear dinner suits, or they all wear lounge suits, etc.

peeriebear · 07/02/2013 10:37

Low level sniping is sooo wearing. My good friend did this unthinkingly for years- in any situation she would triumphantly trot out something I'd done in the past, ie getting drunk, embarrassing myself, even being an annoying teenager ffs!
One day I said to a mutual friend when friend X was in earshot, "X has a comprehensive list of every time I've ever made a mistake or done something wrong- she refers to it rather a lot."
She didn't say anything but since then hasn't done it again. I think she didn't realise how petty she was sounding or how wearing I found it.

911AreBack · 07/02/2013 10:57

I think it's worth pointing out on here that the most toxic friends to just generally rely upon all the little things; a nasty comment here, a little dig there dressed up as a compliment, therefore it's not until later when thinking it over that the friends realises it was an insult. Just slowly chip chip chipping away at their friend's confidence and self esteem.

It's all part of a toxic friend's plan to make their friend doubt themselves and think that they're being oversensitive. Oversensitive is often a word used by caustic friends in the first place, to justify their behaviour and to make their victim doubt herself further

countrykitten · 07/02/2013 14:59

Gosh - I have never had one of these 'friends'. Why would you?

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