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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have a theory about people who talk all the time?

100 replies

Hullygully · 06/02/2013 11:45

We have had a few threads about this, and I have been thinking about it a lot and I have a theory. I was looking at the few friends I have who talk incessantly, largely about themselves, and realised that what they have in common is that they were all neglected as children, as in, no one listened to them, or if they did listen, they didn't "hear" them and respond and engage for various reasons.

So my theroy is that it is a "me me look at me I exist" desperate need for attention as proof of existence.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hullygully · 06/02/2013 12:19

That is sad, BAD, I hope things improve for you.

Gerrof, I HATE people that make me feel uninteresting or show they aren't listening, so rude. Especially as I am simply fascinating, as are you mwah

OP posts:

YulaBaker · 06/02/2013 12:20

I have you don't mind, but I am going to type something I read in one of my female Asperger's books.

I don't think YABU, but I do think your thinking might be a little black and white.

The snippet is from the chapter 'It might seem like her specialist subject is herself'...

'For someone who doesn't like to be bombarded with talk, your Aspergirl may pelt you with tidbits about her day from the moment you walk in the door until she runs out of breath 15 minutes later. it may seem to the untrained eye, that this is one self-centred chick. That's not what it is, well not entirley. This is whats known in as Asperger's as monologuing. This verbal "minute waltz" happens because she may have been alone and quiet all day with thoughts racing and racing through her mind without her even realising it. When you walk in, these percolating thoughts come flying out of her at you like knives from a carnival performers hand.'

^ that is me. When I first read the snippet I cried as it was just so true and for once I didn't feel like the self centred twat people made me out to be.

Of course some people do actually think the world revolves around them.

FWIW, I was a given lots and lots of attention as a child, more that I even wanted or needed. This hasn't really stopped as I've grown up. My SEN might make this the case tho.

GetOrf · 06/02/2013 12:21

Sometimes you talk to people and you know that they are just waiting for you to shut your cakehole so they can talk about the thing they have thought of saying.

So it's not like a conversation at all, rather verbal tennis.

Original poster

Hullygully · 06/02/2013 12:22

There are as many reasons as people, yula, agreed.

The people I'm on about though do not have Asperger's, it is deffo something else.

OP posts:

YulaBaker · 06/02/2013 12:22

Just read the x-posts and would like to add that I too talk a lot to avoid having to respond correctly to others (I see the irony here).

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 06/02/2013 12:24

I sometimes talk to much to hide the fact my hearing is rubbish- if they talk I have to respond and say 'what' all the time.

CinnabarRed · 06/02/2013 12:26

Sometimes 'I think...', 'I feel....', 'I believe...' sentences is a sign that someone isn't confident in their views, because of the unspoken end to the sentence is '....but you may think/feel/believe differently and I don't want to offend you if you do.'

'I'm like...' sounds more like a verbal tick then anything else.

Original poster

Hullygully · 06/02/2013 12:28

Cinnabr - this is obsessive self-interest, obsessive self-exploration and explanation, it's very much like, "know me, know me, prove I exist"

OP posts:

BigAudioDynamite · 06/02/2013 12:30

Yy red....its just like saying, 'in my humble opinion'

It's really interesting that peoples insecurities are expressed/interpreted by orhers, as opposite

DeWe · 06/02/2013 12:33

No. The one I'm thinking of just always talks. If no one is there he talks to himself. He's always done that. Before he could talk he just screamed, I'm told. Definitely not neglected.

CinnabarRed · 06/02/2013 12:34

Fair enough.

I don't think I know anyone like that.

Maybe because I don't let them get a word in edgeways....

Tweasels · 06/02/2013 12:38

My friend is like this and while she was definitely listened to as a child, I don't think she is now as her husband is a twat. So when we get together I take it both barrels, a verbal onslaught. Mostly about day to day shit.

I timed it once, and aside from obligatory mmm's, yes's and Oh really's, I didn't speak for an hour and a half. Then she'll wonder how she hasn't finished one glass of wine and I'm opening a second bottle. It's tiresome.

I also have a colleague who lives alone and has no friends outside of work. She has very little self awareness and talks incessantly. She doesn't pick up on social cues and can't tell when a conversation should end. If you don't end it, it literally would never end.

acceptableinthe80s · 06/02/2013 12:38

Guilty as charged, incessant talker here! My whole family are though and we often talk over each other. Phrases such as 'talks ten to the dozen' 'can talk the hind legs off a donkey'! etc are often thrown around.
My dad is the chattiest man ever and often takes 2 hours to nip to the shops for a paper, he's just genuinely interested in others though, we certainly don't talk about ourselves all the time.
Apparently i never shut up as a child and relayed every detail of my day to my mum, Ds is exactly the same, my mum says it's payback!
In my defense i live alone (well with ds but i can't get a word in with him) so when i see actual people i tend to have a lot to say .

Nagoo · 06/02/2013 12:38

Cinnabar, that's what I think... I wouldn't notice their attempts to interject

neolara · 06/02/2013 13:09

OP - I think you may have a point, but as others have said, I don't think it explains everyone.

My MIL is perfectly lovely, but my God, she can talk. Often we have meals where she is the only person who says anything - no-one else can get a word in. It does my head in! We've had conversations about others when she has said how rude it is when people talk non stop so she knows the "rules" of taking turns in conversation. However, in the context of her family she appears genuinely unaware of breaking these "rules". Having thought about this quite a lot, I think there are a couple of factors at play. I think she believes her role is to entertain, which involves long, long, monologues (which may, or may not, be entertaining). She is also very interested in sensory detail, so she will include long descriptions of what something looked like, tasted, smelt etc that just makes the monologues longer. Because she is so focused on descriptions and being entertaining, I don't think she considers conversation as a means to share ideas or get to know someone better. As a result, it's sort of irrelevant to her whether others say anything or not. I also think she, and others in the family, have just fallen into set roles - she talks, they listen.

hiddenhome · 06/02/2013 14:15

I had a terrible childhood, but I'm not like that and I'd be really upset if anyone thought I was. It's usually me who finds myself on the receiving end of people who talk and talk and talk 'at' me.

I think people who talk about themselves all the time are just rude with no self awareness whatsoever.

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 06/02/2013 14:16

Hiddenhome I couldn't agree more! I too end up with lots of people who just talk at me and don't listen to a word I say. And totally agree they are just rude with no self awareness

hiddenhome · 06/02/2013 14:23

Another thing is that I don't think they feel very comfortable in themselves and find lack of noise threatening. People who talk too much also seem to need the radio/tv on all the time. I have noticed a distinct lack of self confidence in the compulsive talkers. It's as if they need to make a noise in order to remind themselves that they're still alive! I've had to explain many times to both dcs that children don't disappear in a puff of smoke if they stop talking for five minutes

Molivan · 06/02/2013 14:24

The other day I had a business meeting with someone I had never met before. To my polite "So, you've just set up your own business, then?" I got a reply that started: "Yes, well when I left my husband after I found out he had been having affair, even though he knew that's how my first marriage ended and how devastated I was about that....." and went on without an in breath for about 20 minutes. Although she was definitely oversharing, I did wonder whether she actually got the chance to unburden like this very often and perhaps she needed to, even though it was an utterly inappropriate time, place and listener.
Unfortunately, she also looked and sounded just like Jane, Karen's friend's mum from Outnumbered who does exactly the same kind of thing in the show and I ended up having to try to think of tax returns and what was for that night's tea just to stop myself from losing it completely.

hiddenhome · 06/02/2013 14:26

MrsMangel I once found myself really excited about something or other and ran into my very dull overtalkative neighbour. I talked 'at' her for about ten minutes solid about whatever it was I was excited about (very rare thing for me to do this) and then hastily excused myself as I was going to run late for something. She was totally because she hadn't managed to get a word in edgeways. Boy' it felt gooooooood

Geranium3 · 06/02/2013 14:32

maybe that explains claudia winkelman's "me me" behaviour the other week on celebrity bake off, such a show off, she really got on my nerves!!!!

fizzykola · 06/02/2013 14:39

My ILs cannot leave a thought unexpressed. They talk incessantly, loudly and have no qualms about repeating themselves ('I think we told you about...' and tell you all over again).

I think they are just massively extroverted. They think that is a normal way to be and behave. In all the Myers Brigg psychometric introversion/extroversion stuff they'd be off the scale.

I'm sure you're right for some people, it's not being heard/listened to. Whereas my ILs don't listen at all, because they are too busy talking.

CinnabarRed · 06/02/2013 14:49

My MIL is lovely, but is so adept at repeating family anecdotes over and over again that she's become know as 'Tales of the Expected'!

Sugarice · 06/02/2013 14:54

I have one friend like this, she is very nice but the conversation is always about her and she can go on for agggessssss!

She will also send texts during the evening along the same lines.

When I reply they are brief but pleasant and she still carries on, she's married but as the children have grown I think she's become lonely.

loofet · 06/02/2013 19:07

Grew up not being listened to/children should be seen not heard type childhood. I'm the opposite to this. I am very conscious of talking incase I say the wrong thing and/or piss someone off. I literally still speak when spoken to, except with people I am comfortable with i.e my DH.

Loudmouthed people i've met are also the most insecure people. Its almost like their mask, same with the funny guy generally aswell. Could be a rough childhood, could be the fact noone at home now listens to them or they rarely see adults so maybe an isolated sahm for example.

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