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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at DH for giving FIL photos of DC2

148 replies

twitchycurtains · 05/02/2013 15:57

Since DC2 was born FIL has been asking for photos of dc2 I have had every intention of giving him some photos just as soon as I recovered from the difficult birth (3rd degree tear/difficult recovery), moving house (still have a load of random boxes in the spare room) and a boisterous pre schooler who is currently driving me bonkers as I am unable to find a nursery place in the new area we have moved to.

FIL mentions the photos everytime he sees me, and every time I reassured him that just as soon as I manage to print some off and put in nice frames for him I will give him the photos. He always responds with some sarcastic witty remark. I am getting quite fed up of it because a) its not very high on my list of priorities (I don't have any pics of DC2 at my own house yet/haven't given pics to my parents) what with the whole having a baby/having a pre schooler/house move thing and b) they live 5 fucking minutes away by car and rarely visit, the only time FIL comes to see DC2 is when its DC1's bedtime, DC2 doesn't always like being held by FIL so will scream and DC1 will be climbing the walls because it being bedtime and being bloody knackered. I am sahm and therefore free during the day for vists but on the few occassions FIL has visited, its has
always been around bedtime for DC1.

I am sure that he cares about DC2 and DC1 but tbh they (him and mil) don't really show any interest unless it fits in with their schedules, they are much closer to their daughter's children who they provide extensive childcare for, so if I suggest they visit earlier they either don't come because it clashes with other kids school times or just end up coming the time they want anyway.

Recently, I managed to find the professional bounty ones that were taken at hospital (rip off prices but lovely pics), went out bought a frame, and gave it to him wrapped up, thinking that will be the end of it. But apparently the photo is no good as its not recent and DC2 doesn't look like that anymore.

DH has today gone and printed off some pics for his dad, even though he knows I am annoyed at constantly being reminded and that it was something I wanted to do on my terms and not because FIL nagged me death over it.

I am really fucking annoyed, at DH for spending over £20 printing large sized photos (we are supposed to be budgetingas I am not working/money tight etc) to give to his dad to keep him happy. Had a go at DH, he isn't talking to me now and has said he will put the photos in the bin. I am now at home with the kids wondering if I over reacted. Perfectly willing to accept I may be a tad hormonal and U.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/02/2013 17:09

Twitchy, you sound like you're under a huge amount of stress. Are you ok?

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2013 17:10

Gosh, they're just photos you know?

Nothing to get wound up over.

MrsKeithRichards · 05/02/2013 17:12

Let dh give his dad the pictures of dc2, none issue, be glad he's saved a job you've obviously not had time for.

Draw a line under the photographs, that's it done, over.

Is everything else ok?

LadyMargolotta · 05/02/2013 17:12

OP try not to get stressed out about this. It's not worth it. Let your dh give the photos to your fil, and say to him that you would appreciate it if he takes charge of the photos from now on.

LeeCoakley · 05/02/2013 17:13

As they visit at dc1's bedtime isn't dh in by then? If so, why is it inconveniencing you? He can entertain his own parents while you have a snuggle with dc1.

aderynlas · 05/02/2013 17:14

You ve moved house, had a baby and you have a toddler, thats alot to manage op. Hope things settle down with your pils they are lucky to have your dc such a short drive away and should be able to plan a visit so that it doesnt clash with your little ones bedtime.

HopAndSkip · 05/02/2013 17:21

YABSlightyU to be annoyed at DH about it, though £20 is a lot of money.

If FIL ask's again say "oh, you can take some when you're next over, bring a camera and I'll make sure there's some nice outfits for him to wear"
Then it's up to him to sort the printing and taking photos etc.

I completely understand the annoyance at him asking for photos but not bothering about DC much. My MIL has seen DD once in 6 months, barely ever ask's how she is, no christmas presents etc, the only contact is when she wants photos! No doubt to show off. Its irritating, but just stick to "You can take some when you next see DC", seems to be working well for me.

Crawling · 05/02/2013 17:24

Im with you op fil sounds odd and controlling.

NorthernLurker · 05/02/2013 17:28

Right well this isn't aboiut photos is it? It's about you being overwhelmed by a difficult birth and mananging a newborn and a toddler and nobody in your family actually giving you any credit for being anything other than the person who hoes things. You raise the kids, you feed the baby, you sort the photos - you do lots and nobody is letting you 'be'. That's why you haven't got round to it. Because you're flattened by everything you have to 'do'.

Ok so - forgot the photos. I would be inclined to thank dh for doing it, say you flipped out and he was right BUT he also has to hear that the reason you flipped was that you're drowning here. He should ask fil and mil to take dc1 out for a morning or afternoon soon. He needs to be clear he is asking them to help. That you need a bit of tlc and he expects them to try and make time to help with that. You need to stop being the woman who does everything. Just stop. Feed the babies. Feed yourself. Make sure rats are climbing up the loo and otherwise do nothing for a bit. You need recovery time.

13Iggis · 05/02/2013 17:29

I would be pleased to have dh take responsibility for his own side of the family, I'm always the one doing photos here!
Agree your fil sounds like a pain if he's desperate for photos but not really that bothered otherwise.
Also, he could take photos himself one assumes.

NorthernLurker · 05/02/2013 17:30

MmeLindor · 05/02/2013 17:30

Well, you know what. I don't think they are 'just photos' Worra.

I think that the OP sounds exhausted, and that she is coping with the aftermath of a traumatic birth, a difficult recovery, a house move and juggling a bouncy toddler and a newborn.

I would guess that any spare time she has (HA!) she'd pretty much like to sit down, have a glass of wine cup of tea and a biscuit, and just chill.

Not faff about printing out photos for a demanding and PITA FIL.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 05/02/2013 17:31

Being a bit weird about a few photos OP. why didn't you just delegate in the first place as you are so busy?

MmeLindor · 05/02/2013 17:31

I could just type 'I agree with NL' today, cause that is all I am doing.

Except for the hoes. I didn't mention the hoes.

pictish · 05/02/2013 17:31

Yanbu in that your fil is a pain.
However, yabu about the rest of it.

Your dh can give his parents photographs of his children, any old time and any old how he likes.

Three months is enough time - you couldn't be bothered. Fair enough, you don't have to...but for crying out loud, don't bitch wehn your husband can.

Now drop it with your dh.

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2013 17:31

I get that she's exhausted

But that's why I'm surprised she isn't pleased that her DH finally did the photos that FIL has been asking for, for 3 months.

It's one less job for her to do.

MmeLindor · 05/02/2013 17:38

yes, that bit is slightly unreasonable - but it has gotten to be all about the photos rather than all about her.

Sometimes you can't see the woods for the trees, and you need some MNetters to chop them bastards down.

LunaticFringe · 05/02/2013 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernLurker · 05/02/2013 17:51

Well MmeL - you should mention the hoes and then you'd find you get further through the trees I also note that I've urged the Op to make sure rats climb up the loo. That was supposed to be 'make sure rats aren't climbing up the loo' but never mind. Rats would amuse the toddler right?

MadameCastafiore · 05/02/2013 17:55

Blimey what a lot of fuss about nothing.

If DH wanted to give his father some photos he wouldn't even ask me. Me not being the photo police.

From your title I expected you to say you FIL was a convicted sex offender and I was all ready to say you DH was being unreasonable.

maddening · 05/02/2013 17:58

I would just have told df to email him pics straight off rather than stressing yourself trying to print off etc

Really fil should have been pestering his son about them rather than an exhausted mother of a newborn.

See it as df sorting it out like he should have in the first place rather than him giving in to in laws who were being unreasonable by pestering you.

catinboots · 05/02/2013 17:58

YABU

Floggingmolly · 05/02/2013 18:02

You are pissed off with your DH for printing off the photos instead of explaining that we have a lot on our plate at the moment... But your DH managed to get it done without the sky falling in, didn't he? Let it go, before you cause even more bad feeling.

MmeLindor · 05/02/2013 18:07

Well, I didn't like to say that, NL.

I do think that posters should go easy on the OP. She is having a hard time of it. Flaming her for being upset about this is not helping.

And, yes I know that this is AIBU, but we do have some basic reading skills some empathy, even here.

CrapBag · 05/02/2013 18:16

Actually OP, I think YANBU.

Yes 3 months may seem like a great deal of time, but when you have a newborn, a toddler and have had to move, I agree photos are way down the priority list.

If he wanted some photos that badly, they he could have taken some himself and got it sorted. Then when you did provide one, it wasn't suitable, he was incredibly rude then, I would not have gone out of my way to get him exactly what he wanted. What will happen when the latest one is 'too old' will he be hassling for more?

It sounds like they do far more for their other DGCs, I'm sure they could have made half an hour to arrange a suitable time and take the damn photo theirselves.

And I get the not wanting to spend £20. We are saving like made at the moment, I would not be happy at £20 being spent on photos that weren't for us just to stop someone else complaining.

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