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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would I be being unreasonable to charge him rent?

33 replies

fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:02

Our newphew is living with us at the moment. he is 16. Turned up on our doorstep last week with his bags and is now resident in our granny flat.

Bit of background. He has a turbulant relationship with his mum (his dad lives overseas), he has left home/been kicked out numerous times living with various people each time. he lived with us previously for 8 months but left due to not liking our bounderies.

When he left us before it was quite distressing for us as a family. He had taken a lot of our energies and we had invested a lot in him emotionally. He has issues mainly to do with rejection and the way in which he has been raised by his mum ( think compulsive liar, out for all he can get and will screw you over without a second thought, i was on the receiving end of this). My kids were distraught when he just disappeared one day when we were out, it took them awhile to get over it.
Anyway, given all we went through last time we would have been well within our rights to refuse him to stay. But he is family and we welcomed him back with open arms.

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Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:02

Sorry posted too soon, the rest coming up a minute.

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Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:13

Origionally he was only supposedto be staying for two nights, hid decision as he wants the council to accomodate him. So we went with him to the council offices and they are trying to sort something out. He wants to prove to everyone he can do it on his own and doesnt want to live be anyone elses rules (up to him i suppose).
However, a couple of days after he moved in his dad deposited a large sum of money in our account to look after him for the month. Thinking we were only having him for a couple of nights we put the money aside and told our nephew it would be his as he would need it to furnish whatever place he gets.

Things have changed tho, he could be living with us for up to 5 weeks now. And he us in reciept of income support as when he lived with his mum he was sofa surfing a lot and buying his own essentials (im not sure he is still entitled to that as we are paying for everything). We also asked him to save that money for when he gets his own place as he would need every penny he could save. It is becoming apparent that he is spending this money on luxeries that he doesn't need and frittering it away.

I have looked at the properties around us the same size as the granny flat he is living in and they cost roughly the same amount per month as the money his dad gave us.
Would I be being unreasonable to charge him this as rent ?(all the electric, food etc woukd be free). I feel he needs to take responsibility instead of taking us for a free ride. Any thoughts.

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Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:15

Sorry about all the mistakes, im on my phone.

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TheSnowFairy · 04/02/2013 20:20

If nothing else you could take the money from him (as rent) and then give it back to him when he moves out. It must be galling that he is spending on stuff he doesn't need - but he is only 16 and this is quite common behaviour!

Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:25

We have the money already in our bank account. We are claiming nothing else for him. So the money was given to us by his dad for all his expenses. Running him to and from school, food, electric and gas he is using etc. We had decided we would meet these expenses out of our own pocket ( dh on low wage and i dont work due to having littlies at home). But while we are tightening our belts to accomodate him, he is out splashing the cash. Hence me thinking i can charge him rent and use the money as it was origionally intended.

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floweryblue · 04/02/2013 20:30

You are not responsible for the cost and inconvenience of housing/feeding your nephew.

If you are willing to do it, then do, but your boundaries need to be firmly set, with nephew and his parents, otherwise they will all take advantage of your kindness.

sooperdooper · 04/02/2013 20:32

Know it's not what you've asked, but is he entitled to housing benefit? If you gave him a rental agreement could you get that to cover the expenses?

I agree he needs to learn that bills need to be paid, he shouldn't be spending his money on luxuries when you're putting him up - YWNBU to keep the money, that's what his dad gave you it for

CloudsAndTrees · 04/02/2013 20:35

Yes, charge him rent.

If he's determined to do it on his own, let him. He needs to know that being a grown up isn't just about being able to make your own choices, it's also about paying your way and taking responsibility for yourself.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2013 20:38

He's not entitled to housing benefit at that age for his own flat, only for a room in shared lodging.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2013 20:39

'But while we are tightening our belts to accomodate him, he is out splashing the cash. Hence me thinking i can charge him rent and use the money as it was origionally intended.'

So you're compromising your family again for this individual because he's 'family' and wondering whether or not to take money for it?

Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:43

See that's my point, he can't have it both ways. He wants to be independant and prove he can make it on his own but he isn't thinking about how much he will need to live on and his throwing his money down the toilet. Yes, he woukd be entitled to hb but where ever he moved it wouldnt include free bills/food and lifts toschool so i was thinking of deducting a set amount weekly for the time he is with us and giving him back the left over (if there is any) but that could leave him with nothing when he moves out. Although, i think he would be entitled to help furnishing his place because of hus circumstances. But it would be much tougher then if we just gave him the lump sum.

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Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:47

Yes i suppose we are expat, but that's our nature. Some people think we r mugs but he is a mixed up kid who needs support ( even if he doesn't appreciate it). I said I would help him budget when he moves into his own space but i'm thinking the lesson needs to start now and I think practically is the only way he will learn.

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Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:49

And he has glorified ideas that he will be given a flat and has told the council he does not want to share at all. He could have stayed with us if he wasn't so stubborn and bloody minded. The flat is lovely and empty without him here.

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expatinscotland · 04/02/2013 20:51

' Yes, he woukd be entitled to hb but where ever he moved it wouldnt include free bills/food and lifts toschool so i was thinking of deducting a set amount weekly for the time he is with us and giving him back the left over (if there is any) but that could leave him with nothing when he moves out. Although, i think he would be entitled to help furnishing his place because of hus circumstances. But it would be much tougher then if we just gave him the lump sum.'

He won't be entitled to enough HB to cover his own place, but a room in a shared house or flat.

You give him a lump sum he'll blow it.

And I think it's really irresponsible to tighten your own belts to provide him with free utilities as the expense of your own children, plus he doesn't learn anything but that.

I doubt he'll be moving out soon.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2013 20:54

He's not going anywhere because he's not going to be given a flat or anything. He'll be expected to find a room in shared that falls under the LHA caps or pay the difference in the rent.

So it's best for you to start planning to get saddled with him long-term and plan accordingly. Being a mug doesn't come cheap!

Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 20:58

Expat- the kids aren't really noticing any tightening, they are carrying on their activities in blissful ignorance. We are trying to teach them to help others in need and sometimes that involves sacrifice, but the last thing i want to teach them is to be doormats.

If he was saving his money as origionally suggested i would be happy to continue the way we planned. It is his spending habits that are forcing me to reconsider this (hence this thread).
And i didn't make myself very clear begore, when I said give him a lump sum. Our intention was to go with him and buy the things he needed out of the cash so we knew it would be going to good use.

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Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 21:01

Dh and I are giving him a month here and then he is out. We talked about it with him when he moved in and he is happy with that as that is what would be required for the council to rehouse him. But he needs to be realistic about what he will be offered.

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JamesBexleySpeed · 04/02/2013 21:06

He's only 16. The reality is that the best the council will be able to offer is 'supported' accommodation such as the YMCA, until he is 18 and then some sort of hostel.
I wouldn't want a relative of mine in those environments (ex-housing officer)
In your position, I would be offering him some stability, I'm afraid. I would let him stay in the granny flat.

CuriousMama · 04/02/2013 21:10

You sound a bit fearful of him tbh? Are you scared he'll kick off?

I know he's young but pandering to him won't do him any favours in the long run. Plus sounds like he's not had any boundaries?

Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 21:12

James we dont want him staying in thoseplaces either. Despite how badly we were treated before he knows he can stayhere. He just doesn't want to long term. He absoloutly wants to do it on his own, he does not want to obey anyone elses rules or be accountable to anyone. We have told him where he could end up but he is convinced he will get a flat some where. Nothing i say can make him see differently so we r trying our best to support him and hoping he will learn that it's not all that rosy.

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teacherlikesapples · 04/02/2013 21:16

The best help you could give him right now is a stable environment & a dose of reality. i.e Charge him rent. How on earth will he know what the real world is like if you shelter him from it?

Sit him down & work out a budget. Let him know the cost of things, what you will be spending the money on. How much council tax, electricity, water, internet, food, gas etc... Open his eyes to the reality he has chosen. He can stay with you, but if he wants to genuinely prove that he can stand on his own two feet, then let him. You are not in a financial situation to support him without it having a negative strain on your own family.

Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 21:17

Curious you are right he hasn' t had any bounderies growing up. Im not afraid he will kick off he has never done that to us before ( tho I know he has history elsewhere) . He has neved ever shown us any temper at all. We are completly different than what he is used to ( in that we sit down and talk rather than scream and shouting). But he would either go back to his mum ( not a good idea with their relationship) or do a runner ( he has burnt his bridges everywhere else so i would seriously worry where he would
end up)

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Original poster
fourandahalfkids · 04/02/2013 21:20

Teacher- yes this is my current thinking. Ijust dont like going back on something I said I would do. But then circumstances have changed since we origionally set the money aside.

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JamesBexleySpeed · 04/02/2013 21:28

I was going to suggest you take him for a visit, but then I realised that drugs, sex and alcohol abuse might seem attractive at 16.

Hissy · 04/02/2013 21:31

Who is going to house him? The council? He's too young. You'll not get HB if you're related to hum either. A landlord? Not a chance when he's still legally a child.

Sounds like this kid's been let down, shunted about all his life. If he leaves, why can't his dad take him? He'll end up in a home, or under a bridge.

Contact Shelter for advice. This kid needs help.