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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect Mil to get off her backside just once....

29 replies

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 18:12

I had a previous mil whom I see a lot and get on with really well. However have been with dh 13 years, and was reading the thread about what pil's cook for meals.

Well I have never ever had a meal cooked by mil. She cam to stay this weekend. Sat down the ENTIRE weekend. Not one offer of help, or even to make a drink. Never ever moved from sofa...ever.... Somehow manages to devour all biscuits and crisps and leaves wrappers everywhere but NEVER offers to help with anything. Dh and I both ill, but still she just sat there.......is it me?

OP posts:

Chottie · 04/02/2013 18:19

Hmmmm...... I don't think I would be inviting her over for a looong time, whether DH and I were well or not

Didn't she get bored just sitting there, eating and drinking???

MumVsKids · 04/02/2013 18:22

Make sure the crisps chocolates goodies etc are hidden next time she comes!

Give her a solitary rich tea the most boring biscuit on earth ever with her cup of unsweetened tea - you have run out of sugar too you see.

Perhaps she'll either bring her own next time, or just not bother to come!

But no, YANBU, why didn't you ask her to move though if you get on so well?

MissingDietCoke · 04/02/2013 18:23

Yanbu.

My Mil is the same if not worse. In 7 years of being with DH she has never - I repeat Never - made me so much as a cup of tea.
At Christmas I was 7 months pregnant, went to her house for Christmas dinner so she wouldn't be alone, guess who cooked?! Realised when we turned up on Christmas Eve and the cupboards were bare that it would be up to me or we wouldn't be having Xmas dinner.
She is selfish beyond all belief and I utterly despair and find it really really hard. OP you have my sympathies.

buttonspoon · 04/02/2013 18:31

No not just you - my MIL is the same. I am just recovering from a three days of PILs at ours. She just sits there and moans it's cold and we need to put the heating on and bring her blankets. If she wants anything she either says loudly something about wanting a cup of tea but never asks directly for one, or just tells FIL to make it. He does as he is told. She didn't say thank you once all weekend and even my DH who normally defends her to the hilt has just said how rude she was.

Three days after giving birth to DD they came to stay and 'help' - her first words to me were 'give me the baby and you can make some tea'. I'd had a third degree tear and no sleep for four days and could barely stand. I ignored her. She has got worse since then but that is a whole other thread...

Original poster

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 18:35

Glad it's not just me. I got on great with my ex mil and as said previously am still in touch with her.

I would never go and stay at someone's house and not offer to help. I have tried hiding goodies, but she always finds them. Her best insisting she has some Ben and Jerry's ice cream which I get as a treat for dd sometimes. I have stopped offering DD this after Sunday dinner, now, as 1/2 the tub goes in one go.

Why are some people like this? Dh laughs it off, but neither my previous mil or my mum were like this. I would love someone to wait on me for a weekend

OP posts:

feministefatale · 04/02/2013 18:41

What about your fil does he help out?

Original poster

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 18:43

He died 6 yeas ago.But he would help out.

OP posts:

MsFanackerPants · 04/02/2013 18:51

Sounds a lot like my future MIL. Her top lazy moment is the day DP had shoulder surgery under general and she came back from hospital with him and asked him to make her a sandwich. Obviously he couldn't (I was in an interview). He then asked her for help to put his socks on and she huffed and moaned about it.

There was also the time dp was in a car crash and she refused to come and pick him up as she didn't consider it necessary. He was shaking and our car was written off

Original poster

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 18:55

Buy why are they so lazy? Why do they think it is Ok for people to do everything for them?

OP posts:

manicbmc · 04/02/2013 19:07

They are lazy because people have let them be that way.

JackieandJudy · 04/02/2013 19:09

YANBU. My MIL was like this. I say "was" because we no longer have any contact.

She used to come and stay when the dc were small (had three under five at one point) and would expect breakfast in bed. When she realised this wasn't forthcoming, she just laid in til she felt like it, had long leisurely baths in the afternoons, followed by nice afternoon naps. When she was awake, she would lounge on the sofa, reading magazines or books she had brought with her.

I have no idea why she bothered coming to stay, as she took no interest in myself, dh or the children. She used also to complain about my cooking in the "oh I don't use that when I make this" kind of way.

When I was eight and a half months pregnant with dc3 my beloved grandma died and I went to stay with my own Mum for five days, both to help my Mum and to attend the funeral. Mil agreed to come and stay at ours to help dh out with the two existing small dc. When I got back, house was total tip - not a load of washing done, hoover not run round, no food. Dh was working full time and having to travel to London three times a week after work to dialyse for six hours, so all my ire was directed towards her (although in those days, sadly, I wasn't brave enough to do more than complain to dh).

Sorry OP, I've gone off on a rant down memory lane, but I do sympathise with you.

Original poster

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 19:23

Lounge on the sofa reading magazines and books. I recognise that one! Also will make herself a drink and not offer anyone else.She once ate dd's stash of birthday sweeties.

The best is eating her tea, and then expecting plate to walk into kitchen, or not taking mugs into kitchen. Ooooh I could go on, it's the ice cream that gets me the most! Dd was eating a Twix ice cream bar, mil sent dd to get her one, and then sent her again to get another one! AND then left the wrappers everywhere

OP posts:

Fakebook · 04/02/2013 19:27

I think some lazy people are depressed. Is she quite large? Maybe she has trouble getting up?

Original poster

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 19:38

No, not particularly large....just lazy I think. She wants to be looked after all the time, like a small child. But don't we all?

OP posts:

floweryblue · 04/02/2013 19:43

Do you ever stay at hers? Maybe [clutching at straws] she expects to do all the work when she has guests and she would find help/interference rude in her home, so that's how she is at yours.

My grandmother would almost martyr herself doing everything when we were all younger and she would happily expect to be fully hosted when she was the guest. As she has got older, she will accept help in her home and we would never expect her to help out when we invite her to ours (she is very old now).

Squeakygate · 04/02/2013 19:43

Ignore her as best you can

Original poster

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 19:52

She never does anything when we go to her house either. We do it all.

She is 74, and fit and well.

OP posts:

GogoGobo · 04/02/2013 19:54

Oh my goodness it was been like therapy reading these posts! I have one too, and like you OrangesandLemons, I too had a previous MIL and she was just fab, like having my mum or sis around, mucking in etc.
I have the laziest of monsters now and it gets worse each time she comes to stay. She came during my last IVf cycle and I was on my knees and she just sat, rooted to the spot. Snoozes, lie ins, 1-2 hours in the bathroom getting ready, not a finger lifted whilst I dealt with 14 month old ds, commuted over 90 miles 3 x a week and made every drink, meal etc. We lost our pregnancy with DTwins from that cycle and she didn't even ask how I was! Stunning, after the invites to share all key events such as Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc all driven by me. I agree with the poster who says lazy people are often depressed. To sit like an island in someone else's home is so far from normal behaviour!! She is the only living grandparent my DS has and so I feel so torn as I don't want to "reward" her shit behaviour with more invites but not bothering just makes me feel sad for DS.

If I had a broader family I would just give her the cold shoulder!
YANBU!

googietheegg · 04/02/2013 19:54

My mil is the same in that she comes and expects us to be on holiday because she is, even though we work from home. I don't know why she comes as she just reads her kindle and talks about her other gc and shows no interest in us whatsoever. My sympathies op.

GogoGobo · 04/02/2013 19:59

Sorry, meant to ask JackieandJudy how did the non-contact with lazy MIL come about - did you have it out w her? (Hope it's not too rude to ask, just wondering/looking for tips :)

SanityClause · 04/02/2013 20:15

My MIL has taken to demanding that I cook when we stay at her house.

Last time we were there, the first night we had roast beef. She presented DH with a practically clean roasting pan, and told him to make gravy from the "delicious meat juices". DH told me he thought she had eaten up all the dripping and juices with a slice of bread.

Then, after dinner, she asked if we would like fish pie or roast chicken for Sunday lunch. The DC love fish pie, so asked for that. She said, "Well, Mummy will have to make it, then."

So, I proceeded to make two fish pies, as DH and two of my DC are dairy intolerant, and we hadn't brought enough rice milk with us to make a big fish pie. MIL said how interested she was to see how I did it, because she loves fish pie. (The woman is nearly 80 - she's had a long time to learn, if she really wanted to do so!)

When I was making them, she started to criticise what I was doing. I told her that if she wanted me to make a fish pie, I would do so, but if she wanted it made like some chef off the tele, she shouldn't ask me to do it! She went out and left me to it, then!

JackieandJudy · 04/02/2013 20:16

Gogo - don't mind you asking at all, but it's a long and boring story. In a nutshell - Dh needed a kidney transplant, all my family (inc myself) had been found to be incompatible, none of his family had so much as offered.

One day, about eight years after dh became ill, his Dad rang to say he would possibly maybe perhaps think about getting tests done to see if he was compatible, but there were conditions attached to his possibly maybe getting these tests done. All the conditions related to me and my unsuitability as a wife, mother, and all round human being.

I was gutted - had previously done my absolutely best to accommodate them - and dh was incandescent. There followed a massive row and about five years of no communication whatsoever. They rang out of the blue one day and these days dh has a polite phone conversation with them approx. once a fortnight. I have never spoken to them since, and never will, and fortunately, dh is completely on board. All dc have been told that they can see/speak to their grandparents whenever they want but actually they rarely do.

So bit drastic as a method of getting your in-laws never to stay but it's worked for us!

JackieandJudy · 04/02/2013 20:20

Sorry - that was a pretty big nutshell!

Original poster

orangeandlemons · 04/02/2013 20:23

How awful. How can anyone think like that? Poor you, and your poor DH

OP posts:

GogoGobo · 04/02/2013 20:27

Wow JackieandJudy, they sound just awful. What a horrible experience and your poor DH :( hope he is ok and thank god you don't have to put up with that madness from them anymore!

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