Private schools - want to shout IT'S NOT FAIR!

[Yermina]

Went to PIL last night and heard all about sil's children's school. One of her boys is already attending a fantastic private school. Just found out his two brothers have also got places at very good private schools.

In the mean time my dc's are in classes of 31 at the local state school. My youngest needs additional support (sn) but isn't statemented (diagnosed but no statement) so doesn't get it. SIL's middle child has got into a mainstream private school that has outstanding support for children with dyslexia, which he's been diagnosed with. And will be in classes of 18.

Our middle ds is musically talented but there is really poor provision for music teaching at his state school and very few children there are learning an instrument. We struggle to pay for music lessons for him outside school.

Is it wrong of me to feel eaten up with jealousy and anger at the unfairness of a school system which privileges the children of well-off people so openly and seemingly without anyone else seeing it as something that's wrong or deeply, deeply unfair?

How would you explain to a group of children: you lot over here will have XXXX spent on your education, and lots of opportunity to develop your talents, and you lot over there will have about half as much spent on you, and will have much less attention from the teacher because there'll be twice as many of you in the class. Oh, and you kids with sn or specific gifts - unless your parents have money, you probably won't get the help you need to thrive educationally.

I know it's the way the world is but at the moment I feel bitter about it. Really really bitter. And jealous

Every time I go to my PIL's and have to hear about all the amazing thing SIL's dcs are doing at their school, their academic achievements, I want to go home and hide under the duvet and cry.

We'll never, ever be able to afford private education. We'll never be able to afford to move to an area with really good state schools. We'll never be able to get our children into church schools as we're not church goers, and our local grammar schools (2) are bursting at the seams with children from the local private prep schools, who bus their students in to take the 11+ en mass.

It's just so fucking unfair. It really is. I just want to get that off my chest.

That is all.

SanityClause we share a brain.

HullyGully - I didn't ignore it and you are wrong. The whole point of a meritocracy is that it allows people to rise or fall according to both their talents and the means at their disposal.

"Even in a communist country, some are more equal than others."

Indeed. There are quite a few Russian parents at my DD's school, all of whom grew up themselves under Communism. All those parents are highly educated (speak several languages, play several instruments, are well versed in literature, the performing arts etc etc) because their parents - under Communism - ensured they had those extras.

Meritocracy = advancement based on merit.

It has nothing to do with means at their disposal!!

Look it up if you need to.

There has never been a communist society. Russia has never been communist. Look that up too and compare idea to actuality.

What a lot of nonsense on one thread.

Private school fees are £10k per year. That's not much more than you would pay for a good nursery or childminder while you work! I really don't get how people think it is out of most peoples reach? Most mothers will be either stay at home mum's or working & needing to pay for childcare in the baby years. Surely not impossible to either get a job or keep working to carry on these fees for schooling IF education is something that is important enough to the parents?
Yes, there will always be a few people that really can't afford school fees (those who have lost their jobs etc.), but with a good look at the budget it is certainly achievable for most with a family of 3 or 4!
There is also a good local comp in our area. However, as a teacher I believe the first 11 years of education to be the most important. We could send DD there, but feel that now she has settled & made friends in the private school, she would be happier to stay there.
There is nothing wrong with wanting the best education for your child, it's just not something that is at the very top of some peoples priority list. And believe me, there are lots of holidays & things that DD misses out on in order to keep her education. She understands this & is willing to give them up.

Being jealous and bitter won't help though will it? Ask John Osborne.
You as the parent do all that you can to level the playing field as much as you can.
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As an annoying and trite leveller: I used to teach adults who would weep tears of gratitude when I enrolled them, they just wanted an education, which as children, they weren't lucky enough to get.
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I did say it was annoying but really we live in a country that gives every child the right to a free education.
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pugsandseals do you live in the same world as me??
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there will always be a few people that really can't afford school fees

HullyGully - you are confused!

Educationally, I don't think you could get much closer to equality than in the old comprehensive system which was introduced in Sweden after the war- now screwed over by the introduction of the free school system.

I was educated in that system and have very few complaints. It did give everyone a good general education and the opportunity to acquire the means of going to university and the chance to learn several foreign languages. What it did not cater for was the kind of parents who found it imperative that their children should rise above their peers, and be seen to rise above their peers, from the very start. There weren't that many of those parents about tbh.

It was also not an axiom of faith that working class parents have nothing of value to teach their children- many of the skills that working class parents often do have were (and are) more valued in that society than here.

Yes, it was a homogenous society but some of that homogenousness (of class, though not of race) was the result of deliberate political decisions and a deliberate wish of the electorate: Sweden in the late 19th century was anything but an equal society.

Whether it would ever work here is a different matter: in a democracy, things can only really work if the electorate wants them.

Pugs.

I do think you have a point and more people could afford school fees if they put their minds to it and made sacrifices. I know of 2 such people who completely sacrificed all but essentials to send their only ds to private school and there was only one average income for the household.
However, if you have more than one dc unless you are super rich forget it. I don't know many with 30k+ spare each year.
Also I disagree that most people could afford fees, there are very few people who have the means.

I agree that Russia was never communist in the real spirit of the thing. And another thing just because somebody doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they are confused. In fact you are the one who is probably confused. I'll be confusing myself soon.

The number of children at private schools is just over 5% at primary school and just over 7% at secondary (Telegraph article I've just googled, sorry can't link)

You'd think it was way more than that the way people talk on Mumsnet ... with comments such as "There will always be a few people that really can't afford school fees" Yes, around 95 % of us !

Sorry, I can't read all 29 pages of this before I reply. YABU.

OP, I don't know what you earn and what you spend your money on, so if it's genuinely less than us, I apologise in advance, but we'll be spending a large proportion of our salaries for the next ten(+?) years to ensure that our DC gets the education he deserves.

I'm a legal secretary, and my partner is a teacher. It's going to be lean living to afford this, but we're OK with that, and anyway the alternative is unthinkable.

Even though the state [primary] schools in our area are OK, once I heard from other mums (not necc in my area, just in general) that kids get beaten up in the playground for being "too clever", I was set on this course. I got a fair bit of "too smart" harrassment when I was young and it helped pave the way for academic underachievement.

I believe that between the school's "hard work and repsonsibility" ethos, and the parents' dedication in sending their DC there (and paying money for it!), that learning and being clever will not be punished here.

BTW, we're Pagans, but welcome at this CofE-based school. Don't know about the faith schools in your area, but perhaps you might research them a bit further?

"Yes, there will always be a few people that really can't afford school fees (those who have lost their jobs etc.), but with a good look at the budget it is certainly achievable for most with a family of 3 or 4!" Eh?

Oh, and please don't use the word "sacrifice" to describe what people do to send their children to private schools.

"with a family of 3 or 4" - Is that meant to be 3 or 4 children ?

Oh yes, I've a spare £40k a year I just found down the back of the Chesterfield

the alternative is unthinkable.

Even though the state [primary] schools in our area are OK, once I heard from other mums (not necc in my area, just in general) that kids get beaten up in the playground for being "too clever", I was set on this course"

So you based this decision on what "other mums" said?

You have a Chesterfield? Wow- there's posh!

We used to have one when I was growing up seeker
I think it had to be sold off to pay my brother's school fees

instead of being bitter and jealous, people should be looking at themselves and see why they are selling their children short. often it's not the lack of money that's the problem in itself, its the lack of imagination or drive to make the money required to pay for a decent education in the first place. they have only themselves to blame.

My children go to good schools miranda - I just don't have to pay for them
which admittedly is just as well

• I think you'll find it is usually the "lack of money in itself"

i was talking about the sour grapes from the jealous posters on here. they are sour as they have failed in life and failed their children.

Uses my imagination and drive and nips round and robs miranda's, Sorted!

Oh sorry Miranda, thought you meant everyone, I'll put it back!

seeker yeah, and my own experience.