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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why I have anything to do with my sister

44 replies

appletarts · 03/02/2013 20:08

She ignored me at my wedding last year and ignored me when my baby was born, came to visit, held baby and ignored me. She wants contact with me so our kids can have a relationship. She's just been over and ignored me again. The history is she is an older sister and was very controlling, when I asked her if we could we have a more respectful and equal relationship she cut me out of her life as if I was dead. I think ignoring me at my own wedding and birth of baby is unforgivable, especially as she has never apologised. So we have this relationship to enable to next generation but I sort of hate her really and wonder should I tell her to go jump permanently.

OP posts:
mrsbunnylove · 03/02/2013 20:10

don't have her around. ever.

Original poster
appletarts · 03/02/2013 20:15

She was the best sister ever for as long as I let her push and shove me around and try to control my life. The minute I told her I wanted an equal relationship she bullied me, ignored me, was nasty to me when I was pregnant, really nasty, tried her bloody best to ruin my wedding day and has meddled in the relationship between me and my mum. I don't know why our kids need to be around this for the sake of having family about.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2013 20:24

What do your parents think of this situation? And what is likely to be their reaction if you cut contact until she grows the fuck up reassesses her behaviour?

HecateWhoopass · 03/02/2013 20:24

They don't.

So call a halt.

You don't HAVE to have her in your life, if that's not what you want.

And I fail to see how someone who is as you describe would be any great loss to your child's life. You don't want your children to grow up thinking it's ok for you to be treated like this and you don't want to take any chance that she will go on to treat them the way she treats you, or her children will grow up thinking it's ok to treat yours like that, because they see how she treats you and think it's ok to copy that.

Original poster
appletarts · 03/02/2013 20:28

Oh she's the golden girl but they were sickened by how she treated me and would understand if I cut her out. Whole family is a bit of a mess so not too worried about impact. Nobody had ever told her no before. I don't think she will ever change.

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elizaregina · 03/02/2013 20:31

unfortunalty apple,

when a baby is born lots of family memebers think they have a right to a relationship with the child - regardless of whether they actually treat the paretns with even a modoicum of respect.

they see you as kind of getting in the way of this....

make a descion and stick to it, it will liberate you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2013 20:48

Well if it's not going to impact any other relationships, I can see absolutely no reason to put up with her and her childish tantrums a minute longer. It is not good for your DC (or hers) to witness this sort of behaviour. What sort of example does it set? It's OK to be an ignorant pig, nobody will call you on it? You have to put up and shut up when people behave badly to you? No. Just no.
By all means let it be known (via your parents?) that you will allow her to make amends. (You being the bigger person will REALLY piss her off. Grin) But you don't have to put up with her or her appalling behaviour.

Original poster
appletarts · 03/02/2013 20:48

I think I'm struggling to know what is the healthy thing to do for everyone, would love to decide to kick her out of life.

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maddening · 03/02/2013 21:09

She's using you dc as a way of continuing to bully and control - who on earth spends time in someone's house with their dc and acts like that?

HearMyRoar · 03/02/2013 21:14

Would you have anything to do with her if she was a close friend who treated you like this? Of course not, you would have told her to sod right off.

So why should you put up with it just because some accident of birth made her your sister?

BlueberryHill · 03/02/2013 21:15

I think that maddening is spot on. If she really wanted yours and her children to get on, she would make an effort with you.

Hissy · 03/02/2013 22:19

There is no reason on earth that you should put up with this.

A member of family need to be held to a HIGHER account than a mere aquaintance.

If it feels right to end your association with her, do it.

Hissy · 03/02/2013 22:20

I ended my relationship with my sister for less, don't regret it for a second.

CaptChaos · 03/02/2013 22:23

The healthy thing to do is to surround yourself and your children only with people who treat you with respect. Your sister doesn't. Ditch her.

Original poster
appletarts · 04/02/2013 07:34

Thing is she is the only family from my side that my baby really has. I did get her out of my life after wedding and baby but she's worked her way back in saying she wants a relationship with my baby and I found that hard to refuse. She is odd with baby anyway and baby has just started crawling and she says if baby wants to hug her baby can crawl to her....uh wtf that's not normal!

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MrsRoss26 · 04/02/2013 07:39

We don't need biological family in our lives; we can build our family out of hose we choose - family and friends. My DH and I learned this, separately, the hard way. Don't let biology lead you to decisions you wouldn't make with friends.

MusicalEndorphins · 04/02/2013 07:43

It is entirely up to you. You could invite the cousins to birthday parties and not have them in your life all of the time. My cousins and I all lived far apart and only got together on family occasions, it didn't mar us or create a void.

redwellybluewelly · 04/02/2013 07:44

I cut my sister out of our lives last year, ithas jad a knock on effect as she is the golden child and although family members have said they understand why I did it they still choose her over me.

Im due baby 2 in the summer and I do not intend for her to visit.

I have had some counselling over this, especially when I was making up my mind to cut her out. It did help, I can recommend it.

PenelopePisstop · 04/02/2013 07:46

appletarts would you want her to have the same control over your DC as she did with you? It seems that is they way she's going.

I would not want anyone with that type of personality and behavior near my child. Ever.

Consider this - she wants the relationship with your DC to be able to control you.

Cut her out of your life for your and your DC's sake.

RooneyMara · 04/02/2013 07:57

Apple - ther only way to get a bully to stop is to stand up to them. This is what you need to do, both for yourself and as a parent.

my sister has similar issues, wants to know and have a say about my children, and frequently does, but she doesn't ignore me, she just criticises me and tells me I'm stupid/whatever. Then acts all nice like it never happened - I've begun to ignore her, stop responding etc. Luckily she lives a way away so we rarely see her. and she is great with my children.

so I'm unsure what t do but in your situation it's really clear I think x

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 04/02/2013 08:01

Wow! She sounds like she has serious issues! I feel really sorry for her kids because if she was like that you what's she going to be like with them!

Do you think you could arrange for all the children to meet up at your mums occasionally? I suspect she would put a stop to that if she wasn't included.

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 04/02/2013 08:06

My sister was the biggest trigger for a mental downturn for me. I spent over 20 years trying to build bridges with her.

Last year I decided that she could make the effort and I am less stressed. My son plays with her son either at his aunts or his grandmas and I don't see my sister at all.

Unfortunately as my Mum has a life limiting illness, she wants us to get on and I told her its up to my sister now.

Boomerwang · 04/02/2013 08:08

Some people just aren't good enough to be in your life. I think you might try one more time to really get it through to her that she's about to be cut out of your life if she doesn't change, and then follow through with it. You'll be happier.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/02/2013 08:09

I'd cut her out. Do you really want her to be an influence on your child's life?

Sounds like it all has to be about her. I wouldn't indulge her.

Original poster
appletarts · 04/02/2013 08:31

The cousins aren't old enough to be in touch on their own and mum lives in Germany so that's impossible really. I try to tolerate her for sake of my baby having this extended family. My husbands family are all abroad so she is all we have nearby. We have lots of lovely friends with children who we see weekly. It is in my nature to keep on trying but I don't think that's always healthy is it?!

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