Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To wonder why I have anything to do with my sister

44 replies

appletarts · 03/02/2013 20:08

She ignored me at my wedding last year and ignored me when my baby was born, came to visit, held baby and ignored me. She wants contact with me so our kids can have a relationship. She's just been over and ignored me again. The history is she is an older sister and was very controlling, when I asked her if we could we have a more respectful and equal relationship she cut me out of her life as if I was dead. I think ignoring me at my own wedding and birth of baby is unforgivable, especially as she has never apologised. So we have this relationship to enable to next generation but I sort of hate her really and wonder should I tell her to go jump permanently.

OP posts:

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 04/02/2013 11:21

like I said, I've spent half my life trying and getting nowhere. Sometimes its healthier to cut toxic family out, otherwise YOU will end up a complete mess.

It was not an easy decision for me to make, but my health was more important, so my kids have a sane-ish Mum.

Original poster

appletarts · 04/02/2013 11:47

How did you do it mypussyiscalledCaramel? I've considered just not being available and getting it down to a few times a year or calling it as it is and pulling all contact. I find it SO sad but I think she's motivated by power games not actually getting on and I'm finding it exhausting and trippy. Also are you happier without her?

OP posts:

Original poster

appletarts · 04/02/2013 11:49

Oh and I always get made to feel like I'm mad and imagining things but I don't think so. Actually her daughter is in and out of mental health services via the school.

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 04/02/2013 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 04/02/2013 15:46

Trust your instincts, she's not good for you, OR for your child.

Stick with your original decision. Just drop contact. Sod anyone who doesn't back you.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/02/2013 15:55

How has she worked her way back in without apologising to you.
I would tell her she is not seeing your child until she can behave like an adult and that means having a relationship with you.
How can she expect to have a relationship with your child but not you.
It just doesn't work like that.
You wouldn't put up with this from anyone else so why this person???
I would be telling her if she's coming round she cannot ignore me!! Simples!

Hissy · 04/02/2013 16:08

Don't do the letter thing, don't email, text or anything. Leave no evidence that can be used against you.

Cos it will.

Remember that YOU are the one that is reasonable, but she'll never see it. You'll probably never get the validation you want, no recognition of the wrongs against you.

There is often no point in trying to justify yourself to these people. They'll never get it. As long as you know what you're doing and why, that's enough for anyone.

ProlificWillyBreeder · 04/02/2013 16:15

MrsRoss Don't let biology lead you to decisions you wouldn't make with friends.
I could not agree more, very wise words.

Original poster

appletarts · 04/02/2013 16:18

Hissy I think that is wise advice! I have tried to talk to her for years about all this and she responds that I feel insecure in myself while she is confident and that's the problem, she has tried over the years to belittle everything about me, all wrapped up in concern. She talked her way out of her behaviour at my wedding and baby being born, blaming another family member and saying these events were tough for her too cos we weren't on good terms, she convinced me my baby needs an aunt. She'll never get it and I know I will never get the recognition of my feelings or right to be myself. I really quite hate her actually and her saying that baby who is just crawling can come to see her for a cuddle is just mental, who visits a baby and doesn't pick baby up??!!! I really appreciate replies.

OP posts:

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 04/02/2013 16:30

I just backed off and also told my Mum that this is what I was doing. Any family gathering that she is at, I go but avoid her like the plague.

My Mum did spend a lot of time trying to convince me. She gave up 2 years ago when I dropped my son off and had cut marks on my arms. It finally sunk in that what I had been saying was true.

DoJo · 04/02/2013 17:04

What if her children treat yours the way she treats you? I would recommend cutting ties before your daughter is aware of her, so you don't have to worry about explaining anything to your daughter and before she can be tainted by the poison. I would be tempted to e-mail or similar, but then I'm not worried about anything being 'used against me' and when I cut ties with a family member I laid out exactly how I felt, asked them to consider their response as I would be making a big decision based on what they said, and then followed through on what I had said. Best thing I ever did.

Original poster

appletarts · 04/02/2013 17:25

dojo that sounds wonderful! I bet you feel good about that. It's interesting that not a single reply has defended her, it's indefensible isn't it what she's done?! I think I was getting all upset at idea of cutting contact because I know any frank conversation with her will be futile and I'll be setting myself up for more ridicule. It's a bit of a lightbulb moment that I can just step away, no drama, just put it down and walk away.

OP posts:

Doingthedo · 04/02/2013 18:50

I have done the 'stepping away' over the last couple of months. I have just written down some of this excellent advice to remind myself that I will never get an apology/recognition for the wrongs my BIL and PIL's have committed over the last 12 years.

BIL ignored me on my wedding day, ignored the birth of my 3 DC's, has been rude, violent to DH (broke his arm) and PIL's have gloated that they will live longer than my parents behind my back when my mum was diagnosed with cancer last year.

It is impossible to have a conversation with any of them because they don't listen and have no empathy whatsoever so now I just DON'T. I don't engage, ignore most phone calls, let them see DC once every 2 weeks at MY convenience.

I feel better emotionally than I have for years. What I am getting at is that stepping away has been my last option, I wish I had done it years ago. Please consider this course of action.

Hissy · 04/02/2013 19:23

If a member of my family suddenly started avoiding my calls, not returning them, not acknowledging them and further more telling all and sundry that I am NOT under any circumstances to speak to them, I'd try to see what I'd done.

I'd want to know what it was so I could try and put it right.

I'm guessing that your sister wouldn't do this. Mine didn't.

My mum and her H both tried to bamboozle me into 'making up', I put mum straight a couple of weeks ago, so far so good, but I'm still the one on the outside.

When the dust settles some more, I'll ask my mother why sis isn't put under pressure to undo what she did... Not sure if I'm expecting too much. May not bother, but I'd love to know.

LucieLucie · 04/02/2013 20:00

Op your sis is still controlling you now by using silent treatment as punishment but is making sure that she is seen as a 'good aunt' to your dc. Toxic behaviour and i think u have to think if you werent related by blood would you bother with her?

My sis cut me and my 2yo son out of her life for 5 years and it was horrendous as i didnt know what i had done. She refused to acknowlede her nephew or include him at her daughters birthday parties/xmas etc.

She did it to drive a wedge between me and our mother so she could monopolise all the attention. We are back on speaking terms now but i will never forgive her and i think she is a loon (lots of ishoos!)

strawberryswing · 04/02/2013 20:15

I would cut her right out!

My family are some of the most awful people you could wish to meet. I have an large family (30 + members) and apart from 3 people, have cut off every single one of them out.of my life. Its simply the best thing I ever did. I have 3 family members in my life and thats all I have ever needed.

Your children will be fine, they dont need her!

Original poster

appletarts · 04/02/2013 21:00

You're absolutely right lucie, she has this idea that she fulfils her duties and obligations and is self-sacrificing but she actually just has fake relationships with everyone where she ridicules peoples needs and then bullies them. She was the biggest bully in our school and I was often ashamed to be related to her. I'm seriously leaning towards the walk awayoption.

OP posts:

NotSoNervous · 04/02/2013 21:07

I think the best thing for you and your kids is to cut her out

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2013 09:51

The only reason that you haven't walked away from her and her bullying nonsense already is because you share the same parents. Frankly, it's not a good enough reason - especially given that you have already stated that " they were sickened by how she treated me and would understand if I cut her out." It's time to try on being an only child for size, methinks.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread