To give a homeless man a meal deal rather than the money?

[TheSeventhHorcrux]

There is a homeless man sat outside the Tesco Express with a little cup asking for money. Instead of giving him
Money I went inside and bought him a meal deal (crisps, ham sandwich and drink) and gave that to him. He was very polite and grateful about it and I thought nothing more of it until my friend then later accused me of being patronising by presenting him with food rather than te money.
When I lived in South Aftica I would often give food rather than money as in many cases the money went on drinks and drugs etc.
Am I being unreasonable to "control" the expenditure of this man (as put by friend) and not just give him money. I'm quite concerned now that he would have been offended, as my friend certainly thinks so!

I think you've summed it up perfectly - Cambridge is becoming a 'ghetto for the posh' I remember seeing that headline about 'House Prices In The City Rising !!!!' One of the few places in the country I believe. Great for some of us, but grim for most.

My foster child spent some time homeless and living/begging on the streets before she came here, and we've spent quite a lot of time chatting about her past experiences.

She said she was always really grateful for anything anyone gave her but if she was given money she'd always spend it on booze, which she admits wasn't helping her situation - she'd go for days without eating but she'd get quite a lot of cash which she'd spend exclusively on alcohol.

Over the time, people would take her into McDonalds or something to make sure she'd had something to eat that day, someone gave her a bag of warm clothes, toothbrush, or even tokens so she could have a hot shower at the local leisure centre. These people took the time to think about what she needed and would be of help to her, rather than chucking a few quid into a paper cup she felt that these people actually cared about her

She certainly never felt these people were patronising her, quite the opposite

This thread is fabulous!

he's BEGGING FFS!! He doesn't have any fucking dignity! Thank god people like the OP exist who don't wring their hands with bleeding heart liberalism and simply GIVE, freely and unquestioningly. And it isn't HIS money to make choices with - it's the OP's so she can do what she jolly well likes with it!

I give food, money , a sleeping bag once. Whatever is convenient or suits a situation. Everything I have ever given has been most gratefully received.

There you go, OP... no good deed goes unpunished. I would have done what you did - but now am not minded to do it at all at 'grass roots' level for fear of being denigrated by people probably doing a whole lot less from their lofty positions of safety.

It would be so worthwhile for a political party to come into power and singlemindedly address homelessness once and for all. It was possible after WW2 and it is certainly achievable now, with a bit of intelligence. As you say, we are a wealthy country and well within our grasp.

Boffin, this is one of the most powerful statements I've seen in a long time.

Well said Skittish. And, LyingWitch, I hear you. I'm disgusted, absolutely fucking appalled at the criticism OP has received for her act of good faith - and the implication that she has committed some sort of heinous act. Don't let the hand-wringing holier than thou non-do-gooders put you off.
I'm still steaming about the comment that people give food to feel better about themselves in their nice, warm homes. FFFS. Don't judge everyone else by your own sorry standards. For some, altruism is just that, not a fucking political statement.

That's awful, porridge. I know how lucky I am to have family who could help. You never forget that sense of powerless. It's always at the back of my mind that it could happen again (another reason I hate renting, but that's another thread).

LondonNinja... Don't worry, I won't. Greensleeves et al have been so persistently vocal on this thread. I wonder what their points were but actually, I don't care what they think.

I'll do what I do and I won't judge anybody for doing something to try to help. Good for the OP and I hope she disregards the pointless, spiteful comments that serve no purpose whatsoever.

I think it's unfair to say that everyone who has said they wouldn't do this has said so spitefully or even critically. I have said repeatedly that whilst it was obviously intended kindly and was, hopefully, taken as such, I wouldn't do it. That's reasonable, surely?

The most spite I can see is in comments like 'beggars can't be choosers' and
'he's BEGGING FFS!! He doesn't have any fucking dignity'.

My feeling is always that if someone has sat in the cold and endured the glares and the disapproval and the danger and misery, they've earned their quid. And as I said: as with teenage nieces, so with the homeless. If you really want to be sure you've given them something they want, you can't go wrong with money.

i remember a girl wrapped up in a blanket sitting on a street i use to walk to and from work. she had a wooly cap on her and a cup between her knees. i stopped and rooted for me purse and she then rooted out the headphones out of her ears and turned off her ipod with polished nails. i walked away.

forgot to add OP i think you did a lovely thing.

I have done similar and didn't stop for a moment to consider I was being patronising. I came out of a shop clutching bags and a man and his dog were sat on the pavement. I had no cash on me so turned on my heels went straight back in and put food for man and dog, plus 40 h&h on my card.

I realise now I should've asked him what he'd have preferred and whether he took PayPal.

Thanks for the nice messages :) I'm now in a really fortunate position of owning my home outright (no mortgage.) Cally is right though, that sense of vulnerability does not go easily. I think when you have been outside of society, even only temporarily, you do see things differently. It's hard to explain.

That doesn't mean I think the OP was or wasn't being unreasonable: I can see both sides of the argument here. I will say though that a lot of people do become homeless through a crap set of circumstances. These won't be the ones you see begging, they will be the ones on people's sofas or in cars or hostels. It doesn't stop you feeling worthless.

Nobody is worthless, ever.

"he's BEGGING FFS!! He doesn't have any fucking dignity!"

This is one of the most unpleasant things I have ever read on mumsnet. And dear god, there has been competition.

Statements like that one you quoted make me shudder seeker it suggests that homeless people are somehow less than those more fortunate.

I suppose it is undignified to beg,in a way. It doesn't mean the person has no dignity though,what an awful thing to think never mind say.

frddiefrog - really interesting post, and reflecting the actual choices, and horrors that people face. As a young girl she must have been incredibly vulnerable comaparatively.

'no dignity, he's begging'. Lordy. [shakes head dolefully]

As a human anyone begging is as worthy and as important and equal to anyone else.

But dignified? No.

I didn't feel dignified with legs in stirrups giving birth but being without dignity is NOT the same as being without worth or value.

"I suppose it is undignified to beg,in a way."

Yes, it is. Of course it flaming well is. There is no suppose about it. To suggest that it is anything but is disingenuous.

The people on this thread harping on about how chucking a few quid in a cup is giving the homeless person more dignity than someone buying the person food is staggering. You're still doing the same thing: being charitable. It's the intent that's important. Many people on here who know what homelessness is like have said that money is not the best option and is discouraged by some charities and homelessness organisations.

Oh, and the insinuation that it's middle-class wankers who give food to assuage their guilt (about what, exactly?) is deeply misguided. I know people who have very little who fork out cash to help the homeless and I know others who give food when they struggle.

There is a subtle but significant difference between being in an undignified position or situation and having no dignity.

I used to work for Sheila McKechnie, who had been the head of Shelter. I asked her once about this and she said it was up to the giver - if you are comfortable giving food, give food, if you are comfortable giving money, give money, hell if you are OK about giving fags give fags. Most important thing is you are making a human connection.

You are splitting hairs, seeker. Begging is undignified, to have to beg is to be without dignity.

It shouldn't happen but it does and anyone who gives anything to someone in such a position is doing a good thing.

I don't think I am splitting hairs. Particularly as your most unpleasant sentence implied that because, in your opinion, beggars have no dignity, there is no need for anyone to think about them in that way. No need to help them preserve what dignity they can hold on to.

I wonder if we were to substitute the word 'begging' for 'benefits' if the responses would be the same on here?

Not saying that would be right or that it negates the OP trying to be kind - but still.

Utter tripe seeker how dare you put words in my mouth.

I am horrified that people have to beg, that they have fallen so low . I am angry that this happens - I always give so please stop trying to misinterpret my post.