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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In not letting my 15yr old son have his girlfriend to stay over

44 replies

willybreeder · 01/02/2013 20:27

So I have never met my older sons girlfriend who he's been seeing for around 3 months, they live an hours drive away.
He asked this evening if she could come and stay over on Saturday night knowing that we've been invited out but have turned it down due to not having a babysitter (didn't ask him as we were thinking he'd have his own plans and we were too late to ask anyone else). Now he's offered for them both to stay in and babysit and she would need to stay over.
I felt uncomfortable about this but I'm sure its because I haven't even met her, and obviously they'd be likely to get up to plenty when we were out.
Now he's said that she should/would sleep in his room! I'm freaked out by this AIBU?
I know the legal age of consent but I also know if they are both the same age its not inforced (?). I've said that I'm uncomfortable knowing they'll be having nookie and he said they won't be (!). He said she's asked her dad and stepmum and he's going to call me. . .

OP posts:

Annunziata · 01/02/2013 20:28

YANBU. No way in hell would I have allowed it. Your house, your rules.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2013 20:29

I know the legal age of consent but I also know if they are both the same age its not inforced

Are you sure about that?

I wouldn't allow it. At 15 they do not need to be sleeping together even if they aren't 'sleeping together' IYSWIM.

Fairylea · 01/02/2013 20:30

Errrrrr. No.

I'd say no anyway. Maybe I'm very uncool. But they are young teenagers and will be having sex. They won't be having a nice cuddle. Well I doubt it anyway.

By saying yes you're saying it's ok. And I don't think it is at this age.

HollyBerryBush · 01/02/2013 20:32

This is a 'your house your rules' situation.

I wouldnt want to face a n underage young lady over the breakfast table either.

It just is inappropriate on so many levels with younger children in the house.

I reserve judgement of parents of underage girls condoning an active sex life as well .... so shoot me >rolls eyes< in anticipation of the flaming I'll get for that comment. Let me negate the arguement up front; yes I'm sure a safe environment is better than up a back alley somewhere, but it would be even better if they weren't at it at all.

eltsihT · 01/02/2013 20:41

Definitely a your house your rules situation.

I am 30 got married at 25 had been engaged to my partner for 4 years, lived together for a year before we got engaged Until we were married we did not sleep in the same room in my parents house.

Also 15 is too young as although he might promise its best not to leave temptation there

HollyBerryBush · 01/02/2013 20:43

My 17yo touted the idea of a female staying over ..... I negated it. He was only chancing his arm.

My boys know they had better NEVER present me with anything on the doorstep 9 months later and moderate their behaviour accordinly.

larks35 · 01/02/2013 20:52

Unless you are comfortable with your 15yo DS having sex with his (I presume) same-aged girlfriend in your house, then I think you will have to forego your night out. If you are comfortable with this situation then I think it is only fair to phone the girlfriend's dad to be sure he knows that she will be staying with your son (I really don't imagine she'll have told her dad the truth).

FWIW I think 15 is too young to start a fully sexual relationship but also the age where being given the opportunity will be too much of a temptation.

OP, if you haven't already done this, now is the time to to speak seriously to your DS about ALWAYS USING CONDOMS! Buy him some. My guess is even if they haven't already, they will soon with or without your knowledge.

Original poster

willybreeder · 01/02/2013 20:53

Yep, that confirmed it. Thanks for replying everyone. We wont be going out and I would be really surprised if his gf dad called me and/or allowed it. Even if he did its making me feel uncomfortable for a reason. Nice try DS !

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2013 20:55

Nice try Sonny! I'd say no. If she were older... If you had a guest wing and very squeaky floorboards... I'd still say no at this time.

feministefatale · 01/02/2013 20:56

not in a million years. Well maybe in 3, but definitely not at 15.

MsAkimbo · 01/02/2013 21:49

YANBU. Especially as you haven't met her yet.

SquinkiesRule · 01/02/2013 22:02

My answer would have been "Oh hell no"

FreshLeticia · 01/02/2013 22:10

Oh no. 15 is too young. Mine were told that it was illegal at that age therefore I couldn't permit it. Goodness me, you wouldn't want her parents accusing him and you of allowing underage sex?
When I was a teen, consenting underage sex around 14-16 ish wasn't considered such a major issue, but now any sniff and your son could be on the sex offenders register.
I have allowed them to have their BF/GF over since then, but only because they are in long-term relationships. I would never allow them to come home with someone I do not know.

Dominodonkey · 01/02/2013 23:58

I only know of one friend's mother who let her 15 year old have boys staying over. The mother used to bring my friend and whichever bloke it was, tea in bed in the morning. My friend was pregnant at 16 by a bloke she split up with a few weeks later.

jellybeans · 02/02/2013 00:02

YANBU at all. I made a similar decision myself with my 16 YO very recently.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 02/02/2013 00:04

I was allowed boyfriends to stay over, but they slept in the guest room downstairs, or in my brother's room with him... This was until I was about 24!! Would an arrangement like that be an option? It would mean they could spend the evening together, but you could keep an eye on them?

fallenangle · 02/02/2013 00:06

Would you even consider it if your DS was a DD? No? Thought not.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 02/02/2013 00:21

I should add, of course we crept around, I stayed at boyfriends, and when I was at Uni/in flats, my folks knew I was leading my own life, but under their roof, I had to respect their rules. Once I met DP, (and actually, the long term boyfriend before that, who I also lived with) we could share a room there. I am the eldest of 3, and they really didn't want me 'setting a bad example', especially to my sister, who is 7 years younger than me.

mirry2 · 02/02/2013 00:28

A big fat no

manicbmc · 02/02/2013 00:37

My dd has had her bf stay since she was 17 (he lives a long way away). He comes over for the occasional week here and there.

I can't say I have a problem with it at all. Apart from the fact that I don't think they are having sex (and if they are they are very very discrete about it) it's the only way they get to see each other.

OP if your ds is respectful of your house rules, I don't see there is a problem. Though I would have a chat about being safe, just in case.

sashh · 02/02/2013 06:57

Actually I'd say yes, but DS would be on the sofa.

If they are having sex they are doing it anyway, but believe it or not some 15 year olds do just want to share a bed.

Would you let him babysit with a male friend and then let the male friend sleep over?

shushpenfold · 02/02/2013 07:01

I would allow her to stay over but most definitely in the spare room, just like any other friend....this was the same in my parents house when I was engaged to my dh (almost 18 years ago now!!) Your house, your rules!

ninjawomble · 02/02/2013 12:54

Given the distance away that she lives, I would be fine with her sleeping the night in the SPARE room (or son on sofa). No way sharing a room. However, I wouldn't be going out for the night and leaving them on their own. I would suggest that you first meet her before she is allowed to stay the night though. Also definitely speak to the other parents to make sure they are happy with the sleeping arrangements. By the way, this would be the same for my DS and DD - but I have met their boyfriend/girlfriend and know they are decent kids and would respect my rules. I would be more uncomfortable about having a stranger in the house to be honest than allowing a BF / GF staying over in a spare room.

andubelievedthat · 02/02/2013 13:01

perhaps its a generation/age thing? at that age me and my 1st love were doing that sexual experimenting, all loved up scene, but, the mere thought of my parents knowing was all the contraception i /he needed! and as for saying to ma and pa " hey, were off to bed, mine and his is a full english ,in the morn" well> you shittin" me?!! my fella would have passed out at the very idea .! but as said ,me? old(er), its all so diff.these days.

YorkshireDeb · 02/02/2013 13:03

As you've already turned down your night out maybe you could let her come & spend the evening together as a chance to get to know her. Would she be able to then stay in a spare room? Or you or dh could drive her home? You might find once the 'babysitting' option has gone they might be less keen to spend time at yours. X

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