to think my sons girlfriend is ungrateful?

[MascaraLipstick]

I have three children, the oldest is 22. He dated his girlfriend for about a year when she fell pregnant.

This was very much a planned pregnancy which in a way I felt sad about. I didn't quite understand the urgent need for them to have a baby when they are at a point in their lives when they should be buying a house together, or going on holidays etc

It was an opinion I kept to myself however. We said they were moving out and renting, me and my oh told them they can stay at home and therefore save up for a deposit. They decided to live at home and save.

My son earns quite well for someone his age and we asked that they pay £120 over all a month.

The baby is now here and currently 7mo, she is an absolute delight and it's been lovely getting to see her everyday. My son is working full time, and his girlfriend is a sahm.

My second son has his girlfriend over to stay most nights now. So altogether there are 8 people living in 4 bedrooms, it getting very crowded now and more expensive.

Me and my oh discussed it and asked both our sons to now start paying £150 instead. They both agreed.

The other day I was making myself a tea and his girlfriend had a friend over and I could hear them chatting (I don't think she knew I'd come home early) and she was talking about me and oh saying "they are so unreasonable, they said we could live here so we can afford a deposit and how the hell are we suppose to be that now they've increased the rent?"

I feel upset after hearing that, we didn't increase the rent to be spiteful and we only added an extra £30, and paying £150 a month for 3 people living here is less than what they would probably be paying if they were renting.

If they would prefer to move out then they could and there would be no ill feeling towards either of them. We bought her a brand new pushchair and cot too before the baby was born and I just feel she is being so ungrateful.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

GoingBackToSchool, by my reckoning this arrangement has been running for over a year - costs rise, it is perfectly reasonable to revisit the vanishingly small amount that DS1 and his GF grudgingly contribute to the household running costs.

[mrsbunnylove]

you are missing the point.

the op thought they should be 'buying a house, going on holidays' at 22.
so she stuck her nose into their business (they were having a baby and wanted to rent somewhere to live, and the son earns plenty so they would have been fine) to try to enforce her preferred choice of activity (buying a house).neither son nor girlfriend need be particularly impressed by the parents' generosity - it comes at a price.

the girlfriend 'fell' pregnant. no she didn't. it was planned. the couple wanted to start a family. she 'became' pregnant. she succeeded in becoming pregnant, in fact.

the young people are doing as they are told, living with mum and dad, trying to save a deposit, instead of what they want, which is establishing a family unit of their own. the young are already 'giving' a great deal. and they aren't all that young. but the op wants 'gratitude' as well.

i agree that £150 is not a lot, and i think that £30 a month will not make a big difference to their savings. but the situation which causes the op a problem is one she set up for herself. blaming the girlfriend will not help at all. and it isn't fair.

[mrsjay]

I would let them move out tbh then she would know what paying real rent is. I would put it down to over hearing her gossip but keep charging rent as if you never heard a thing are they saving for a rental deposit or mortgage if it is the latter they could be there for years, maybe it is time they found their own place all those adults living in a smallish house will start to grate on you all, you sound a lovely mum, I had my first baby at 21 my mum didnt allow me to stay at home

[MadameCastafiore]

Blimey can I come and live with you - there will be 4 of us - DH and DS eat a lot though - am willing to pay £150 a week????

She's just immature and silly - I would chalk it down to that really. She'll grow up and understand how easy she had it when they do move out.

I do want to come and live with you though.

[DollOnAMusicBox1]

so she stuck her nose into their business (they were having a baby and wanted to rent somewhere to live, and the son earns plenty so they would have been fine) to try to enforce her preferred choice of activity (buying a house)

Bit unfair and not really reading the OP, the OP actually said they gave them the choice to live at home if they wanted to and they decided they wanted to, it wasn't enforced on them.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I think it was more of a concern for her grandchild's welfare that made OP offer DS and partner some help. It's not just a desire to interfere or preferring bought to rented, it was possibly a whole raft of concerns. Had they gone out and rented would the 3 of them be all right? Possibly. Have things been easier living with everything paid for except token rent?? Very likely. Is OP holding them all hostage? Not by the sound of it.

If the gf isn't happy she is probably ready to fly the nest.

[mrsjay]

If the gf isn't happy she is probably ready to fly the nest.

thats what I think she could start getting really resentful and it might not end well, she is basically living at home with her inlaws and still moaning about a small rent increase, time for them to move on I think

[GeorgiaC11]

You sound like a great mum, and that is so ungrateful of her. When I fell pregnant my partner and I moved back into my mums as we had been travelling and wanted to live back in the area and she asked us to move out ASAP as she didn't have the room which is understandable. But for you to let them live happily there with rent which is a fifth of the rent I payed on my first place is very ungrateful. I would sit down and get feelings out the way but maybe just you and her so there's not too much pressure.
Good luck!

[mrsbunnylove]

so she stuck her nose into their business (they were having a baby and wanted to rent somewhere to live, and the son earns plenty so they would have been fine) to try to enforce her preferred choice of activity (buying a house) /Bit unfair and not really reading the OP, the OP actually said they gave them the choice to live at home if they wanted to and they decided they wanted to, it wasn't enforced on them.
not really. if she'd kept out of it, she wouldn't have the problem she has now.

[elizaregina]

Exactly Bunny

No one can deny its a good price and not a nice comment to hear - but there is no background - we dont know how DIL feels - she is young, maybe naive - maybe waking up to the pitfalls of living with MIL!!!!

Maybe the day she made the comment was a day op had gone on about parenting to her or something - who knows. Maybe she is desperate to go but her DP doesnt want too because of money, and now she thinks -" bloody hell =- we cant ever escape now"

who knows!

And yes - I do think she is privaliged to be able to spend so much time with her Gc!!!!

[Skinnywhippet]

I'd like to know how much your ds earns and whether they can realistically afford to live on his salary outside your home, OP.

[nailak]

I have been in the position of living with in laws and contributing to what seems less and having everything done for me.

IME they used to cook for 10 people one chicken or something, which is the same amount as I would cook for just my family now, and they would cook once a day and have only things they knew how to cook in, no snack type things etc and so on, if we did cook they would complain about us wasting the food as no one else liked my cooking, we couldnt have the heating on when we wanted, if we needed to dry our clothes and so on, so although it seemed like feeding and heating extra people, it was just extra people living in the house and doing the same as if they werent there. In the end we did work out better moving out as rent went up, but housing benefit went up too! we spent a lot on take aways, fast food and stuff.

[CabbageLeaves]

OP. your relationship with family is more important than anything they will save for a deposit by living with you. It is time they moved out not because you are a nasty controlling woman (as implied here ) but because living together is likely to erode the relationship as both sides gather resentments.

Your offer was made with their welfare in mind. I'd sit down and explain that. I'd also say we love you very much and it's important to us that relationship is kept. We've been made to realise that not everyone is completely happy with the arrangement of you living here, particularly paying 150 monthly. Here are the bills for a typical month. We're not making money off you. We're trying to support you but we realise your lives are your own and living with in laws and parents is not ideal. Don't want the resentment to grow on your side nor on ours so how about we talk about this. Maybe having your own places, claiming HB is a better option for you for example. We will be fine about it, if that is what you wish to do. Perhaps you'd like time to think about it.

That way they get to make their choice. If they choose to stay, its up to you to address the hurt you feel over the comment. Either you bring it up with just her (your son is not responsible for her, she'd probably feel her relationship was being threatened if you involve him, so make it private perhaps?) or both or let it slide as a one off throwaway comment made by someone slightly immature and slightly stressed by not having their own space.

[Sallyingforth]

Very sensible advice above.
Quite apart from the derisively small financial contribution, with effectively three groups of people living in one house there will inevitably be frictions and tensions building up.
They need to move on.

[digerd]

I still want to know if she does any housework at all, cooking, washing up, washing /ironing etc.? OP.
Yep £150 per month for everything + £37.61 per week for 2 people- doesn't even pay for their food. She has 3 meals a day being at home and DS 2 being at work, unless mum makes him sandwiches to take to work for his lunch.
OP. If your were content with your generosity, then fine, but you are not due to ingratitude from the GF mummy, who is taking advantage of you.
YANBU she is.

[YorkshireDeb]

I think the rent you charge them is VERY reasonable - I lived with my sister for 6 months, 10 years ago & gave her £100 a month which covered bills etc. I felt like I was getting a good deal - and that was just for one person. I suspect though that it's hard having so many people living under one roof & her rant was maybe deflecting the real issue - that she'd love her own place & is frustrated that she still can't afford it. I suggest you all sit down & have an open discussion about how everyone feels about living together - is there anything that needs to change to make everyone happier. And include asking how much they've managed to save so far & whether they feel the £150 is fair. If she brings it up, be ready to talk about your monthly outgoings in terms if bills, food etc so she can get a realistic idea of how much it will cost when she does have her own place. X

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - I'd talk to your DS, say that you don't think this is going to work long term and you wanted to be able to put a time frame on this. Will they still plan to live with you in 6 months time say? I would say you've over heard DIL talking and she's obviously not happy with the arrangement, so you'd understand if they want to move out into rented sooner.

[Mosman]

HOw much exactly do they have saved ? It should be enough to cover the month in advance and the bond.
Time for them to fly the nest and stand on their own feet, be ready to pick them up again if they fail but they have to try.

[pictish]

If I were you I'd just tell her outright that you overheard what she said.
Have a copy of bills and other outgoings and show them to her, and let her work it out for herself and apologise to you.
You tell her the digs are going up, and then you let it drop and don't bear a grudge.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Op, you sound like a lovely mum & mil.
I think you have done enough to help them, what with letting them live with you for such a small amount of money aswell as buy them a fair share of baby products.

Averaging per week, you are asking for around £33 pw. That is very reasonable, infact very low amount to be asking considering you will be paying more in utility bills, and food with them all there.

Your dil sounds very spoilt & ungrateful.
She is lucky to be in the position where she has a roof over her family's head for a little more than 30 quid a week and to have extra cash to save to get a decent place ready.

I would have a polite word with them & if they are unhappy with their cushty arrangment, maybe it would be time for them both to fly the nest.

[tiredemma]

I agree with Pictish. Tell her that you heard and that you feel she may need to know where the £150 per month goes.

Tell her you are doing her a favour because when she does move into her own place- she will realise that £150 a month would barely cover the gas and electric bill.

Indulged or what????

[TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub]

She was having a moan to a friend. All of us moan about things we are generally grateful for and happy with eg jobs, husbands etc

[pictish]

I would be good natured but firm about it.
We DO all bitch to mates.

There's no need to fall out...just out her straight. She'll be mortified, which settles the score nicely.

It's all fine.

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - thinking about this some more, do you have a figure for what they are aiming to save before moving out and also an idea of how much they are saving a month? Look at it this way, if your GDC is 7 months old, assuming they had no savings before hand and any spare cash prior to the birth went on buying things for the baby before it arrived my calculations would be:

She gets approx £586 a month in SMP plus £81 in child benefit. You said he was on a 'good money' so I've assumed £23k, just below the national average. That means his take home pay is arround £1,500 a month. Take off £100 a month for pension contributions and £400 in travel costs a month that leaves him £1k a month coming in. So that's £1667 a month coming in - their expenses are £150 a month to you, nappies (approx £40 a month depending on where they shop), phone contracts (assume £20 each a month) - that means they have a disposable income of £1437 - and they've had that for 7 months, so realistically could easily have already saved the best part of £10k. (Obviously, he might be earning less as different people have very different ideas of what 'good money' is)

I think you need to get some idea of what "deposit" means to them - is it £20k, £30k? How much have they already managed to save and how long do they therefore think it will take them to get to their target?

It's also worth checking that she agreed with the living with you idea or if your DS is the one pushing for it, whereas she'd prefer to rent somewhere and be independent. If she doesn't like it and has had to be convinced by your DS to do this, then I can see why she might be less 'grateful' if she feels she's been railroaded into this by her DP.

[ubik]

DP and I lived together in a one room basement in Lewisham, £50/week - but that was about 16 years ago. It taught us the real cost of living though as neither of us earned much.

My sister has moved out of parents home aged 30 and her partner has done the same. They both gave good jobs -she is earning £25,000+ he is on £40,000! They are staggered by the cost of things;, food, power, new kitchens etc they really had no idea.

I would be tempted to help them find somewhere to rent and let them get on with it. They are grown up enough to choose to have a baby, they need to take on adult responsibilities too. At the moment you have a house of expensive large children and one small one.