to think my sons girlfriend is ungrateful?

[MascaraLipstick]

I have three children, the oldest is 22. He dated his girlfriend for about a year when she fell pregnant.

This was very much a planned pregnancy which in a way I felt sad about. I didn't quite understand the urgent need for them to have a baby when they are at a point in their lives when they should be buying a house together, or going on holidays etc

It was an opinion I kept to myself however. We said they were moving out and renting, me and my oh told them they can stay at home and therefore save up for a deposit. They decided to live at home and save.

My son earns quite well for someone his age and we asked that they pay £120 over all a month.

The baby is now here and currently 7mo, she is an absolute delight and it's been lovely getting to see her everyday. My son is working full time, and his girlfriend is a sahm.

My second son has his girlfriend over to stay most nights now. So altogether there are 8 people living in 4 bedrooms, it getting very crowded now and more expensive.

Me and my oh discussed it and asked both our sons to now start paying £150 instead. They both agreed.

The other day I was making myself a tea and his girlfriend had a friend over and I could hear them chatting (I don't think she knew I'd come home early) and she was talking about me and oh saying "they are so unreasonable, they said we could live here so we can afford a deposit and how the hell are we suppose to be that now they've increased the rent?"

I feel upset after hearing that, we didn't increase the rent to be spiteful and we only added an extra £30, and paying £150 a month for 3 people living here is less than what they would probably be paying if they were renting.

If they would prefer to move out then they could and there would be no ill feeling towards either of them. We bought her a brand new pushchair and cot too before the baby was born and I just feel she is being so ungrateful.

[MortifiedAdams]

OP she has been getting £128pw. So her one week pay covers their outgoings to you. Meaning 3x£128 plus your DSs wage is spare every month.

Plenty to be saving for a deposit I should think!!

[PeppermintCreams]

I like Carling's approach. You could also ask about the moving out plans as you want to buy them e.g. a new sofa to help get them out.

[Flatbread]

I think this demonstrates how important it is to get expectations clearly laid out to start with.

If you had started with, say, £200 a month and stuck with that, it would probably have been fine.

But if you started with £50 and then unilaterally doubled it to £100, it might have created some resentment.

I agree with others who say it is time for a frank business talk, they are adults now. They need to understand the costs of housing/feeding three. And at the same time they need to have some say in how the terms are changed.

[NapaCab]

They chose to have a baby at 22 years old when they couldn't afford it so they should live with the consequences. Why are you shielding them from reality? Having a baby is a big responsibility. They should grow up, move out and rent like everyone else has to do. As for the GF being a SAHM, sorry but that's ridiculous. She can't afford that luxury since her partner, your son, doesn't earn enough money.

Sounds like the pair of them have a lot of growing up to do and you're enabling their immaturity by letting them live at home. I can't imagine how you put up with your kind-of-DIL sitting around at home under your feet all day. You must never get a minute's peace!

[FastidiaBlueberry]

You asked both your sons to start paying £150.

Were the girlfriends included in this discussion?

Are you sure she's aware that it is in fact only £150? Because to complain about such a paltry sum is demented. She does know it's only £150 doesn't she?

[Flatbread]

I agree with Napa to an extent.

I think multi- generations of a family can live amicably under one roof. But with everyone pulling their weight and clear communication.

It seems to be that OP is still 'mummying' her boys. Let them lose woman and enjoy your freedom. If your maternal juices are overflowing, get a dog. At least it will be a grateful and happy for your efforts

[GoingBackToSchool]

Does she fully understand why you have increased the rent after 7 months of there being 3 of them, instead of as soon as the baby was born? If not, her comments might just come from ignorance rather than trying to be rude. You seem very nice at letting them all stay :)

[maddening]

That is ungrateful - I don't know how I would tackle it though.

Personally I would speak to my son and say that I overheard it and it has worried me that they are unhappy and ask if they want to stay living here - that they are always welcome but i don't want to upset them

[FreshLeticia]

Blinkin' 'eck OP, my DS pays more than that a month and he is on minimum wage, is out a lot and his GF stays but doesn't live here.
£150 per month is totally unreasonable, they should be paying half their income to you. If they were renting they would be lucky to get a decent place for £150 A WEEK in rent and they would still have to pay bills and food etc on top.
Have a family meeting and make them pull their weight and stop letting them walk all over you.

[Matildaduck]

Wow back in th e day ....well over 15 years ago i paid mum £20 a week.

Wouldn't even cover the council tax!

Maybe they need a reality check. Planning a baby before saving or buying a house is showing their immaturity.

[elizaregina]

Fresh

The whole point of them being there at ops inviation was to save up for a deposit. They were intially seemingly very happy to move out and rent. It was op who said - " why dont you stay here".

The point of the low rent to op - is so they can save!

Flatbread

Your so right about expectations - my dad has this very prob now with tennants and I have had it too.

[SquinkiesRule]

I wouldn't say anything to her or your Ds, but I would talk to Dh and say we are going to have a family meeting. All adults around the table, and say that you want them to know how much it costs to run a house and that way they know you aren't asking for too much money from them.
Show them the utility bills, mortgage bill, council tax, home insurance, food bills etc etc and make sure they see how much per month the house is costing you. She may twig that you heard her or maybe not, but you won't have said a word.
The make sure they know that they expected to be putting a big chunk away every month so that they have a deposit to be able to fund their own home very soon.
Make tea, and cake and make it happy, you don't want her to move out and not let you see the baby and also maybe even stop you seeing your ds. No need to get her back up.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I would say to them both, they've been living under your roof for X amount of time, you won't ask how much they've put by but would they like a head's up about how much to budget in future to pay ABC? Then lay out a piece of paper with outgoings eg food, water, electricity, etc so you can tot it up. I'd show both DS and gf just what a bargain they're getting they've avoided forking out. I'm guessing that gf isn't used as free labour or skivvy round the house. That way there's no mistaken belief you are coining it in or saving it up in a Swiss bank account.

[breatheslowly]

I doubt they could buy a month's food for that. Not to mention rent, utilities, council tax. Perhaps she hasn't really thought about the costs to you. When I read your first post, I though "why are you charging rent when it doesn't cost any more to run the house with them in it or without". It was only after your comments about food and thinking about how people use electricity, heating the house during the day that I realised quite how good a deal they are getting and perhaps this could be pointed out to them. You could offer to not charge rent but not supply their food and see how long it would take the GF to realise that they would be out of pocket just on food.

[bringmeroses]

OP do you think they are saving? Do they buy their own food? £150 a month for two is ridiculously cheap IMO

[usualsuspect]

I wouldn't tell her I had been listening to her private conversations.

[redwellybluewelly]

£150 a month ?

I was reading it as £150 A WEEK and thought it wasnt unreasonable!

[bloomsandblossoms]

That's incredibly cheeky

When I lived at my parents house aged 21, working, I paid £350 a month for my bedroom (with a door that didn't even close properly) - this was 2007 and it was just me, no boyfriend

[bringbacksideburns]

You sound like a lovely mum but sometimes you can be too soft - and it won't be doing your sons any good or equip them to deal with the outside world if you continue to be a cushion from reality. Your adult son made a decision to have a baby when he didn't even have his own place with his GF which is odd!

I would have a house meeting - show them all your outgoings and bills and how much everything costs. Explain that £150 per month is a bloody good deal when they would be paying hundreds a month to rent a place. Show them the Lettings in the local paper.
I presume the GF's family make no contribution?

I love my family too but i would seriously be wondering how long this is all going to go on for.
You need to treat them like adults and tell them straight that you are not as wealthy as they think.

[ceeveebee]

Does she help around the house - cook, clean, do laundry at all - if she was a SAHM in a rented flat she'd have to!
Personally I think you should charge more to DS1/GF then DS2 - no doubt they use the washing machine, heating etc more for then and their DC than your DS2 does

[Kafri]

Bloody hell, I paid that each month when I was 17 - 11 years ago!

U think you should sit am down with your son and gf and talk to them about it. Tell them waft you overheard and that it made you unhappy to hear it and why you disagree with it. Tell them that if they are unhappy with 159 then they are free to move elsewhere fit a better deal (not bloody likely)

If they were so bothered about getting a house - why plan a baby?

If she's so bothered about the house then why is she not going back to work?

Stand your ground op! She's our of order.

[forehead]

I don't think that she appreciates how difficult it is to run a home. They need to move out, maybe then she will realise how bloody lucky she is

[ClippedPhoenix]

£150 a week for them is absolutely nothing. Tell them to go it alone and see what they say. Bloody cheek!

[ImperialBlether]

They're paying £150 PER MONTH, ClippedPhoenix!

[GoingBackToSchool]

but forehead, they were going to move out in the first place and OP said, why don't you stay here. surely OP knew it would be expensive so should have charged more to start with.
Obviously it's very cheeky to moan (as she's getting a very good deal!) but I think this situation should have been thought of before.