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AIBU?

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Original poster

or was this father: softplay etiquette

174 replies

quesadilla · 01/02/2013 09:35

Really can't work out if I'm being precious or not but this really irritated me. Took my 2 year old DD to softplay to burn off a bit of energy. She normally loves it and has to be dragged away. There was an older boy in there (I think he was about five or six) with his dad. Dad was "supervising" but in practice was actually glued to his mobile phone and eating crisps. Didn't interact with his kid at all.
As soon as we arrived this kid was in my DD's face, wouldn't give her an inch to play on her own. To be fair he was being friendly and not aggressive, but v v boisterous and he had absolutely no concept that she might not want him bouncing in front of her, following her everywhere.
I kind of tolerated this for about 10 minutes thinking better for her to learn to cope, but my DD, who is quite reserved, was clearly feeling cornered and a bit scared: she tried to go over the little rope hammock/bridge thing which she normally loves. He kept repeatedly going to the end of the tunnel and blocking it so she couldn't get out the other end and it was starting to upset her.
I then started saying, kindly but firmly "can you just give her a bit of space to play on her own, she's only little." Kid would back down after being asked didn't seem to get bigger point about space at all and just kept following her and trying to engage with her. Meanwhile dad was still sitting there texting. Hadn't interacted with his son in any way since we'd been there.
After asking the kid four or five times to give her a bit of space I finally said "look can you just leave her alone for a bit, she wants to play on her own."
At which point dad suddenly storms into action, says to me: "don't talk to my son like that!."
I said to him sorry but my dd is trying to play on her own and your son isn't giving her any space.
"You do'nt own this place," dad responds. "This is for all kids. Don't talk to my son again."
We left at that point. I was quite upset that DD hadn't had a chance to enjoy it and annoyed at being spoken to by this excuse for a father

I really don't know if I over-reacted but surely parents have a responsibility to intervene if their kids are making it uncomfortable for others, even if its well-meant.

OP posts:
curryeater · 01/02/2013 16:05

the dad was fine to eat crisps and read the internet, but only if he was also fine for you to stop his child being a pain in the arse.
and his child was being a pain in the arse. child or adult, you don't have to do something "wrong" (violent or malicious) to be a pain in the arse. If someone wants you (your time, your attention, your company) they don't necessarily deserve it. they can ask for it, you can say no. this child was small and has to learn this, so should be taught it nicely.
Judging from some of the people on this thread some children will never be taught it though - some people (extraverts) really do not get that other people are exhausted and drained at times by people being in their face, however "nice". They should listen and accept it, instead of going on and on about whether or not someone did something "wrong" or was just being "friendly".

Original poster
quesadilla · 01/02/2013 16:09

usualsuspect I didn't diagnose him at all. Other people suggested he might be special needs and I said it "crossed my mind" that he might be ASD. Don't put words in my mouth.

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 01/02/2013 16:09

'Believe it or not lots of girls like boisterous, rough and tumble play and aren't frightened of every strange kid they come into contact with.'

Justgive this was my point, when I said 'Oh and 'boys play differently' is rubbish'.

Confused
OutragedFromLeeds · 01/02/2013 16:13

usual the boy wanted someone to play with, but the OP's DD didn't want to play with him. She shouldn't be forced to play with someone she doesn't want to.

Mollydoggerson · 01/02/2013 16:17

YWBU in my view.

The other child clearly didn't understand the message. You could have tried to explain a little more kindly such as 'my little girl wants to play on her own as she is only little, is that ok? Maybe you could find some other kids to play with?' said in a nice, kind voice. Maybe he just didn't understand the term needs more space.

There is never really any need to be unkind to another child, we are the adults we should try to be kind to all of them.

I also think if the boy was 5/6 then it is ok for the dad to leave him play on his own.

TBH very small toddlers aren't 100% suited to the expected rough and tumble of playcentres and as a result playcentres are harder work for the parents of toddlers. Such is life.

Mollydoggerson · 01/02/2013 16:20

PS I also think the dad was a bit unreasonable for being so defensive, it would have made more sense for him to have just walked away with his son to another area.

Both a bit unreasonable I think.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes · 01/02/2013 16:21

That wasn't at all clear from your post Outraged Confused

BabyRoger · 01/02/2013 16:22

Exactly what Molly said above.

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/02/2013 16:22

Sorry, I thought 'Oh and 'boys play differently' is rubbish' was quite clear!

simplesusan · 01/02/2013 16:29

It sounds as though the little boy doesn't understand the concept of personal space.
In his way he wasn't being mean, he only wanted to play.
That doesn't help you or your dd though.
If it happens again, I would go and play with dd and explain to the other child that she doesn't want to play his game, not today thanks. Make sure you are smiling at the child and use a soft tone.
Soft play centres seem a nightmare. Lots of very different people enclosed together with differing views on how to play.

LimeLeafLizard · 01/02/2013 16:39

I can see both sides of this and think it is very difficult to call, based on the information given.

I have seen parents be fussily over-protective of their pfb, I have also seen parents use 'boys will be boys' as an excuse to let their child annoy others or be naughty. How much of each was evident here, it is hard to tell.

I think in your circumstances, I'd have taken my child off to the cafe / to look at something else / to the toilet for a bit, to give the boy time to find something else to do - and then gone back to a different part of the soft play.

ILoveFrogs · 01/02/2013 17:08

YABU to mention the dad not interacting with his son. My DS is 3 and we go to soft play every second Friday, I sit with my nose in the ipad and only see DS periodically when he comes for a sip of water, obviously I glance up to see if he is being a nuisance but most of the time he's out of sight in the massive play pen?.. I'm now feeling a little bit bad that I'm probably being judged by some of the other parents! Blush

I personally think you should have spoke to the dad if the little boy was being that bothersome, but he has every right to play where he wants. Incidentally one time I did have to get off my ass and move DS on when he decided to invade the space of a little baby girl who was crawling around, he kept following her and stroking her head, strange little child of mine! Mum was fine, I was a little perplexed though!

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/02/2013 17:15

'but he has every right to play where he wants'

unless where he wants to play is in someone elses face.

You have every right to sit where you like on a bus, but you can't sit on someone elses lap.

aquashiv · 01/02/2013 17:23

I would have just played with my child and prob the poor little boy too they normally get bored (or is it me) and go off when you give them the attention they crave.
The father prob zoned out and only heard you giving his son a hard time over giving your child some space(that does sound rather precious sorry)

NotADragonOfSoup · 01/02/2013 18:15

Lol...... Yes, because a small boy trying, inexpertly, to play with another child at soft play is just the same as sitting on someone on a bus.

NotADragonOfSoup · 01/02/2013 18:17

I would be willing to bet that, if the father were to post his side of the story, it would be a tale of an overprotective PFB mother laying into his son who was just trying to be friendly.

NotADragonOfSoup · 01/02/2013 18:18

(And that's not a criticism of the OP, just pointing out that I bet there is a difference in perception here)

hazeyjane · 01/02/2013 19:13

Why is it PFB or precious if your child isn't happy with another child playing with them when they don't want to?

piprabbit · 01/02/2013 19:32

It's a little PFB because I suspect that the OPs DD didn't realise that the little boy was trying to play. Just as he didn't understand where he was going wrong, the OPs DD is too little to realise that here was a chance to make a friend and have fun. That's where the adult comes in to it and tries to help the children find a nice way to play together (at least to give it a try before calling it a day).

The OP had a choice to either help her DD feel confident to play with the other child (in a shared space) or to reinforce her child's trepidation by telling the little boy to go away.

piprabbit · 01/02/2013 19:34

It's like when your child finds a new sort of vegetable on their plate unexpectedly and starts to wobble about it. You either encourage them to try a morsel before deciding they don't like it, or you whip it away and never let it darken their plate again.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks · 01/02/2013 20:07

My dd doesn't wear her hearing aids at soft play, meaning that she cannot hear anything. I would be defensive if an adult kept telling my dd to "back down" and "give her space" IMO it's not a nice way to speak to a child.
That said I do often act as go-between to encourage interaction between dd and other children. But I don't follow her like a shadow, as she likes her independence. Obviously i would draw the line at her jumping on another child, any always watch her from a safe distance and step in when needed.

But any form of interaction or attempt to play with another child is a huge step for us, so if I heard another parent telling her to "back off" I would be slightly pissed off.

That said yanbu for wanting your dd to play alone, but yabu to speak to another child in this way and not expect his parent to react.

feministefatale · 01/02/2013 20:13

yanbu

hazeyjane · 01/02/2013 20:14

Sorry piprabbit, but some children (especially when they are only 2) just don't particularly want to 'make a friend' when they are playing, I really don't see why they should have to, if they are scared, as the op' little girl was.

With ds, I always explain simply that the child is just being friendly, and to say hello, but also explain to the other child that ds is shy and just wants to play on his own today.

gimmecakeandcandy · 01/02/2013 20:15

I think you are getting harsh replies op but it would probably have been better to ask the dad to talk to him or when he did have a go at you explain the situation (stand up for yourself) not leave!

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/02/2013 20:18

The OP isn't saying the father shouldn't have recated Frustrated, just that he shouldn't have been rude. He could have recated (when he first heard her ask him to move away) by asking his son to move away or explaining 'he's deaf, he can't hear what you're saying' or 'he has SN, he doesn't understand what you're saying' or 'he's just trying to play'.