or was this father: softplay etiquette

[quesadilla]

Really can't work out if I'm being precious or not but this really irritated me. Took my 2 year old DD to softplay to burn off a bit of energy. She normally loves it and has to be dragged away. There was an older boy in there (I think he was about five or six) with his dad. Dad was "supervising" but in practice was actually glued to his mobile phone and eating crisps. Didn't interact with his kid at all.
As soon as we arrived this kid was in my DD's face, wouldn't give her an inch to play on her own. To be fair he was being friendly and not aggressive, but v v boisterous and he had absolutely no concept that she might not want him bouncing in front of her, following her everywhere.
I kind of tolerated this for about 10 minutes thinking better for her to learn to cope, but my DD, who is quite reserved, was clearly feeling cornered and a bit scared: she tried to go over the little rope hammock/bridge thing which she normally loves. He kept repeatedly going to the end of the tunnel and blocking it so she couldn't get out the other end and it was starting to upset her.
I then started saying, kindly but firmly "can you just give her a bit of space to play on her own, she's only little." Kid would back down after being asked didn't seem to get bigger point about space at all and just kept following her and trying to engage with her. Meanwhile dad was still sitting there texting. Hadn't interacted with his son in any way since we'd been there.
After asking the kid four or five times to give her a bit of space I finally said "look can you just leave her alone for a bit, she wants to play on her own."
At which point dad suddenly storms into action, says to me: "don't talk to my son like that!."
I said to him sorry but my dd is trying to play on her own and your son isn't giving her any space.
"You do'nt own this place," dad responds. "This is for all kids. Don't talk to my son again."
We left at that point. I was quite upset that DD hadn't had a chance to enjoy it and annoyed at being spoken to by this excuse for a father

I really don't know if I over-reacted but surely parents have a responsibility to intervene if their kids are making it uncomfortable for others, even if its well-meant.

[LondonNinja]

Er, instead of saying the OP should teach her DD to play with the bigger kid (which she didn't want to do ? and why should she?) perhaps the boy's father should teach his kid the concept of personal space when it is obvious someone doesn't want to play with him?!

I don't think soft play places are a licence for parents to shut their brains and eyes down and let their kids do whatever they like come what may.

[allnewtaketwo]

OP not sure if you've clarifed this yet but what time did you go to the soft play at? The 5/6 year old would be at school in the mornings/early afternoon?

[RattyRoland]

Yanbu. This is why I hate softplay, too argumentative and noisy and germ infested

[quesadilla]

AllNew no it doesn't separate the "big" kids from the babies. Its a very small softplay. And I went at about 3.45/4. And I'm aware that during school hours would have been better but this is rarely possible for me. I work (almost) full time and work from home quite often so I tend to take her after I've finished but my shift is usually 7 until 3. So by the time I've finished and got her dressed and packed and got there its usually gone 4. Not much I can do about that unfortunately.

[JustGiveMeFiveMinutes]

I wonder quesadilla how you would've felt had the father of the boy started to shout at your dd along the lines of 'why won't you play with my ds? ' I'm certain you'd have been furious so as I've already said I have very limited sympathy for you.

[SunflowersSmile]

YANBU op- and I say that as a Mum of two boisterous boys.
Dad should have had bit of eye on son.
If my older child upsetting younger one by over friendliness I would have directed him somewhere else and explained little girl wants to play on her own.

[quesadilla]

FiveMinutes I didn't shout at him. I just asked him to leave her alone. I was talking to him constantly while I was there he was talking at me and I responded in a friendly way and I just: "look, she just wants to play on her own, could you just leave her alone." I didn't raise my voice and he didn't appear upset.

[JustGiveMeFiveMinutes]

If you spoke to him nicely why then did the father tell you not to speak to his son 'like that?' And if you did speak to the boy in a slightly off way, as I say, imagine how you'd feel if the dad had done the same to your daughter.
That said, it's obvious you're upset and it is one of those things you're going to have to put down to experience. Never assume the 'excuse for a father' (as you describe him) doesn't feel the same level of love and desire to protect his son as you feel for your dd.

[maddening]

My friend and her dh always play with their children (now 7 &5) at soft play where loads of parents just bugger off and ignore their children - the result is my friend and her dh have loads of children following them round wanting to play too - he now hates it as they end babysitting loads of lazy parents' children.

At the end of the day that man should have been more aware of his ds. Teaching his ds not to harrass other people when they don't want to play with him - your dd is not obliged to entertain his child just as he can't be arsed doing it himself.

I go round with my ds at soft play - which I have to as he is 2 - but will continue to as he gets older as long as he wants me to play.
When I am ggoing round the soft play it is clear that lots of children would love their parents to come and play with them instead if ignoring them from the comfy sofa.

[hazeyjane]

The point for me though is that the OP felt her dd's right to play in her way was far more important than the boy's style of play.

I don't see that, no-one should have to play with someone, if they don,t want to, the little boy could have found someone else to play with.

And sorry but the idea of the boy's father shouting, 'why won,t you ply with my son' is hilarious!

There is no reason whatsoever why the op should go at a time when older children aren't there. A younger or more timid child has just as much right as any other to go whenever they like.

And all the stuff about mother's of girls not 'getting' boys and their boyishness, well hooey.

[quesadilla]

FiveMinutes you'd have to ask him that. As I say, I did not shout at the kid, I didn't even raise my voice. I may have sounded slightly frustrated or stern or at the end of my rope in my tone, but that was the worst of it. That's what took me back, to be honest... the guy was sat there and he must have heard me more gently admonishing his kid four or five time before I finally asked him to leave her alone. And then after expressing no interest whatsoever in the situation he suddenly snapped at me.
I do understand that its not comfortable to have someone reprimand your child. I just think anyone with any social radar, not to mention any concern about teaching their kid to socialize properly, would have stepped in earlier and said: "can you just back off a bit" to him.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

tbh stopping her going across the bridge by blocking the other end, isn't exactly friendly is it?

If he was saying 'come and play with me' to the OP's DD and the OP told him to leave her alone then fair enough, but he was upsetting her and preventing her from doing what she wanted.

I think the dad saying to his son 'go and play somewhere else, this little girl doesn't want to play right now' would have been a better way of dealing with it than having a go at the OP.

[starlady]

quesadilla - I know this has been pointed out before, but I would put money on the fact this child was a lot younger than you assume. Otherwise he'd have been in school. Either that, or he had SN (if so, yes dad should have been supervising).

My own ds was mistaken as older so many times (including a paediatrician who assumed he was 7 when he was still three). We went through so many heartbreaking moments of casual harshness from other parents who would assume that normal age-appropriate playful behaviour was in someway threatening to their own child. I took to saying in a loud voice 'He's only 2 (or 3 or whatever age he was). It's always hard when you're so tall' - unsurprisingly my ds has a bit of a complex about his height now . I know you're protective about your own dd, but I can see why the father snapped - albeit in a way I would never have.

[larrygrylls]

Blocking is bullying. A five or six year old tried to do that to my two year old the other day when he wanted to come down a slide. I let him do it a few times when I thought he might be playing but after the nth time when my son was becoming distressed I gave the bigger child a bollocking ("oi you, what do you think you are doing, let my child come down the slide now"). He scarpered PDQ with a very guilty look in his eye.

I do think that it is a fine line between style of play and nastiness, though and, if the bigger child was trying to play nicely, it would have been nice to encourage some supervised interaction first, rather than telling him to go away. I am often amazed how kind and interested some older children are in my children and generally take the view that this is a great thing. But, if parents don't want to supervise their children, the corollary is that they have to accept other parents supervising them. I take the view that all (well intentioned) adults should be able to supervise all children. When I am at soft play I frequently feel like the pied piper, with four of five extra expectant kids around me (whose nannies are busy having a conversation with one another in Slovakian, Czech or Russian normally). I do tell them what to do and sometimes move them physically (for instance if children are taking turns down a slide and one decides to block the end).

I have only once had an altercation with a father whose child was throwing toys and I and another father had told him firmly three times to either stop or go away. His father got quite nasty but eventually backed off (when his child was not politic enough to actually stop throwing toys...).

So, I think you are DNBU for having a word with the child and protecting your daughter's enjoyment of the area but I do think that you might have tempered the "go away" with something a little more positive.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

starlady it was 3:45pm/4pm! Most infant school's finish by 3pm/3:15pm/3:30pm latest.

[quesadilla]

starlady you might be right about his age. It crossed my mind as well that he might have been somewhere on the ASD spectrum -- he was totally hyperactive and seemed to have no sense of restraint at all and zero social skills. Also seemed intelligent. My quarrel wasn't with the kid at all, it was with his dad.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

Oh and 'boys play differently' is rubbish!

The OP's dd doesn't have to put up with behaviour that frightens or upsets her because 'he's a boy'.

If you have a boy, who 'plays' in a way that upsets and frightens other children, you need to teach him to find playmates that like that game, not say 'well you're a boy, upsetting two year-old girls is inevitable'.

[usualsuspect]

YABU, the boy just wanted someone to play with.

[JustGiveMeFiveMinutes]

hazyjane
The example I gave was because there's no doubt in my mind the OP would be furious had the father spoken to her dd in a 'stern' tone.
Still feel really sorry for this poor kid. Hope he finds a more willing friend to play with when he's next at a soft play area.

[JustGiveMeFiveMinutes]

Outraged
Believe it or not lots of girls like boisterous, rough and tumble play and aren't frightened of every strange kid they come into contact with.

[starlady]

I understand. I do thiink most mums are usually much better at picking up this kind of stuff, and dealing with it more diplomatically. Dads are different at parenting, and this one seemed to be particularly poor. If his DS was ASD, he's probably grieving, and particular over-sensitive to his son's poor social skills being picked up on? P'raps he was on the spectrum himself?

[JustGiveMeFiveMinutes]

If your argument was with the dad not the child, why then didn't you speak in a 'stern' way to him instead of his son?

[usualsuspect]

So now you have diagnosed the boy with ASD?

Only on MN. He was probably just a kid who wanted a playmate.

[hazeyjane]

Well yes, and I would be furious if someone shouted at my ds to play with their child, really, really furious. But the op has said she didn't shout at the boy, only spoke firmly, and this after 4 or 5 attempts to stop him blocking her dd etc.

And believe it or not, a lot of boys are not keen on rough and tumble play, and are nervous of other children, different stokes and all that.

[Feminine]

I can see both sides. I have two 'big' boys and a little girl.

My dd is 'tougher' as she has brothers, but some are intimidated by boys ...no good reason -they just are!

So, its very clear what happened today, op you needed a more involved Dad. Despite he wasn't being naughty (and I know you said that too) his style of play was not cool with your DD. You could see that. Its a shame the Father didn't.

YANBU. is my opinion.