Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to have thought you wait to be invited?

38 replies

NearMissAgain · 01/02/2013 04:31

I was taught:

You may invite a friend over to your house, but it's rude to ask someone if you can come to their house. If a friend lives in the same street or nearby, you can call at their front door and ask if they want to come out to play. You might then be invited in, but you may not invite yourself in.

Is this right? It's what I've taught my dcs too.

I'm having a bit of an issue with dd's school friend. They are both 7, almost 8. They don't live near us so when the girls want to play together out of school it involves dropping off and picking up by car. I like the friend, but she is very spoilt and manipulates her mum no end with tears, whining etc. Most days they come out of school together and the first thing the friend says to her mum is "I want to go to dd's house." DD likes to play with her friend but knows not to ask me too often if she can come over as we have other things to do after school and if I say no not today, she has to accept that. Sometimes the mum will offer for dd to come to their house, but the friend always says no, she wants to come to our house. The mum then looks at me for agreement, which I find a bit rude as I don't think you should invite yourself/your child to someone else's house. When I say no, it's not convenient today, I can hear the friend crying and complaining loudly all the way to the car, and the mum trying to appease her with promises of a treat. She has often looked very annoyed that I've refused, although hasn't said anything directly.

I can tell this is beginning to annoy me because sometimes we could take her dd home with us but I don't want to because I feel pushed into it! AIBU?

OP posts:

Diddydollydo · 01/02/2013 04:36

I wouldn't mind if it suited and the child/mother didn't react like they do. That would annoy me too, just because its pushy.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/02/2013 05:07

Could you invite her in advance for a particular day, so she realises she's not invited on the other days that week? The Mum should help though, maybe say they should play at her house one day and tell her daughter it's not always convenient and is up to you.

Tricky though, some children are constantly in and out of each others' houses but that's more when they live nearby and can come and go themselves.

PurplePidjin · 01/02/2013 05:25

I was taught the same and found it odd as a child when other people were more brazen

Yanbu, and don't feel guilty at the other mother's lack of parenting

MusicalEndorphins · 01/02/2013 05:33

I was brought up the same way. But as long as your children have proper manners, don't worry about the other girl's manners.
Maybe your daughter will one day say to her, "My mother only let's me go to visit friends when the parent invites me, as it is bad manners to invite yourself over. If my friends invite themselves over she will say no because they were rude to invite themself "

wannaBe · 01/02/2013 05:39

hmmm I've been pondering this recently and tbh I think it's not quite so black and white.

I've pulled my ds up recently on asking friend if he can go to his to play. But the parents don't mind and I never mind having him over either...

and then I've been thinking, as adults, do we really wait to be asked? is it wrong to want to visit a friend? surely not?

mathanxiety · 01/02/2013 05:45

I had a badly brought up child like this in my life once, and one day I got down to face level with her right there outside the school, with her silly mother hovering beside her, and I said 'You know what 'Prunella', where I come from no-one ever asks herself over to someone else's house, so you should never do it.'

Someone had to say it. She never asked again. We issued an invitation occasionally and she came over to play every time we asked.

I am a dragon lady

treaclesoda · 01/02/2013 05:48

I'm with you OP, I was always taught the same, and am teaching my DD that you wait to be invited.

I'm mostly the same as an adult, I wouldn't really go to see a friend unless they asked me round. Having said that, I'd generally be delighted if a friend turned up at my house unexpectedly, it would brighten up my day.

Maybe the key to why its annoying for the OP is the child asking outright, and her mum's apparent expectation that she be invited. It puts the OP under pressure to agree to it.

HollyMadison · 01/02/2013 06:04

Oh gosh, I don't think it is bad manners to ask to visit. Are there cultural differences here? I'm not originally from the UK (am presuming you are in the uk) and we were always dropping into each others houses as kids and wouldn't wait for an invite. I don't think waiting for invite (for a child) and not asking for a visit is not something which everybody would view as a question of etiquette, unlike saying "thank you", not throwing food, not reaching over the table etc. I don't see it as a reflection of not being brought up properly.

I would be saddened if a child wanted to play with DC but didn't feel they could ask. In a few years time your DD will reach the age where many girls form extremely close bonds and feel they constantly need to be with, or at least talking to, their close girlfriends. So you may face this, along with ramped up hormones, then! If you really can't stand it maybe arrange specific days so the other girl has something to look forward to and so you can just say "oh we can't do today but we'll see you on Wednesday" or whatever.

wannaBe · 01/02/2013 06:57

I agree with holly. and tbh I think it's a bit rude to have an invite only stance, it's not very welcoming, actually.

treaclesoda · 01/02/2013 07:08

I see the friends who live nearby knocking on the door uninvited as very different to standing at the school gates with a child saying 'I want to come to your house to play'. For example, if its our neighbours DD, its easy to say 'well, come on in, but only for 15 mins because then we need to do homework/go to the shop/get ready for swimming lessons etc', because she can just go back home. When a child who lives further away decides they want to come to play, you're committed to the whole afternoon until their parents come to take them home. So to me, those are two very different situations.

Bunbaker · 01/02/2013 07:10

I agree with Holly as well. The first time it happened at primary school I was a bit taken aback then I felt flattered that children wanted to play with DD and that they felt welcome in my house. DD's best friend often often comes round to see her and she is always welcome. Although usually she texts/rings first.

whois · 01/02/2013 07:19

Invite only seems a bit cold and stand offish, although I can see why Op gets annoyed at the way this other mum behaves with the expectation there.

I don't always wait for an invite with my friends now! "What are you doing Saturday? Want to grab lunch? My house or yours or go out somewhere?"

SaraBellumHertz · 01/02/2013 07:20

I'm pretty relaxed about it - we in a "gated community" so children are always running between each others houses, the pool and the park. It's one of the things I love about it.

I've always enjoyed that my DCs friends like coming here and I'm happy to have them as long as they are reasonably well behaved. Having said that I am fairly laid back and sociable, I love having my own friends and neighbours round and I'm always horrified when I read threads on MN a out how rude it is to visit someone's house unless you have received a formal written invitation at least three weeks in advance.

Molehillmountain · 01/02/2013 07:28

My dd would invite herself robot her people's houses all the time. But whenever she does it I say that we invite x to our house first and then, if they can, they'll hopefully invite you back. I will happily have children back as it fits our schedule but I also make sure that dd knows that some people have more commitments after school or dp's work so that she doesn't pester for an ask back. It's a bonus if she gets to go not an expectation. So yanbu, particularly since the other mother is expecting you to do it because she can't say no to her dd. it can be quite charming having a child invite themselves to your house if accompanied by the appropriate response from parent.

Molehillmountain · 01/02/2013 07:28

Not robot her-other!!

Bunbaker · 01/02/2013 07:33

"I love having my own friends and neighbours round and I'm always horrified when I read threads on MN a out how rude it is to visit someone's house unless you have received a formal written invitation at least three weeks in advance. "

Me too

3birthdaybunnies · 01/02/2013 07:45

We often have thiings going on in the evenings, so impromtu play dates wouldn't work for us and the mother is putting you in a tricky situation. Sometimes the girls' friends do ask, and I always say 'oh that would be nice, I'll talk to your mummy and see if we can arrange something next week/ in a couple of weeks / when hell freezes over, etc.' They've never asked to come there and then, but in that situation I would probably add 'well we're busy right now, but another day, I'll talk to your mummy...'

Then you need to organise a planned visit in a few weeks time for her to 'look forward to'. It is rude though if the mother never reciprocates, I think you need to get over the uncomfortableness and once you've had her two or three times then say 'oh well I think it is dd's turn to come to you'. Put it back in the mother's court.

It probably is different if you are neighbours, but still the mother shouldn't put pressure on you to always have her at your house. I imagine there is also a north/south divide, but that is how I would approach it in the SE.

3birthdaybunnies · 01/02/2013 07:50

The difference is though as an adult if you popped around to someone's house and they said it wasn't convienient you wouldn't go howling and crying down the street because the mean person wouldn't let you in. This girl is doing that and she needs to learn that you can't always just expect to go round too someone's house because you want to.

ZillionChocolate · 01/02/2013 07:53

I wonder whether it makes a difference with children because the inconvenience and benefit are for two different people, so you're imposing on the parent as host/driver and the child benefits. I often see my friends by inviting myself over. I think that's not rude because 1. They have generally invited me 2. We have a relationship where they can say no 2. It's more work for me to go there than for them to receive me (in that I might have an hour+ round trip and am happy to pick up milk on my way/make my own tea).

fluffyraggies · 01/02/2013 07:57

3bunnies that's what i was going to say.

whois's example - "What are you doing Saturday? Want to grab lunch? My house or yours or go out somewhere?" is totally fine because she hasn't said - "Can i come to yours for lunch on Saturday?" And then threaten tears if you say no

Manners are easy - if you're asking a person for something give them a built in get out clause. "bla bla bla ... if you're not too busy". Then don't sulk if the answer is no. Even a child can grasp this with help from the parent.

BrokenBritain · 01/02/2013 07:57

Yeah but Whois that's different, you're not inviting yourself round, you're giving them a choice. I have a friend who I love but it does annoy me when she says, are you free Saturday? I say yes and she says right I'm coing round yours then. Much as I love seeing her it annoys me that she has invited herself round so meaning I have to get the house clean, do the food shopping etc, rather than saying, what do you fancy, your place, mine, pub?
If I respond saying I'd rather go out or come to yours she gets a bit huffy as though I'm being really difficult.
In those situations I would always wait for an invite, or at least phrase it as, would it be ok if I came to yours, rather than presenting it as a done deal.

surroundedbyblondes · 01/02/2013 08:01

Agree with Sara. I like that DDs can play with friends after school/at weekends and have no problem with them coming in and out. It generally makes my life easier because they have someone to entertain them, and I know I can call on a favour from other parents for pick-ups/ informal babysitting etc. Like Sara, it's one of the things I like about the place where we live.
That said, it would be spoilt if some people took advantage, or the kids coming to play were hard to handle.

claraschu · 01/02/2013 08:04

I think it's lovely to have people casually dropping in, and I love creating a feeling among my children's friends that it's ok to ask if you can come and play. It is just really important to be sensitive about whether it is a good moment for the other person. For some people, it is never a good moment, and my kids are very aware of this.

I find that it almost always works for us, in fact I love impromptu playing, but I would be annoyed by someone who put me in a position of having to be the bad guy.

maxybrown · 01/02/2013 08:05

for the couple of people who think it's rude to not let people invite themselves over and sad - the girl is obviously from the description, being a whiny I want it now sort - that alone would do it for me, but it would be helped if at that point the mother stepped in and said "Prunella, (sorry math, I liked that!) that's so rude, don't go demanding to visit other people's houses or else they'll never want you to go" - that would make me feel better. But the fact that a, the girl never wants the other girl to her house, then b, needs consoling and offering treats over not getting her own way, would be enough to make me think, well, exactly what Math said and did.

Also having someone elses 7 year old over is hardly the same as just popping over to visit a friend as an adult - although there are adults that act like this I know!!!

It would drive me bonkers, but I am one who thinks there are enough over priveleged little brats about that need Veruca Salt type soothings and it annoys me.

I have the opposite nightmare - with a 5 year old who is currently being assessed for AS, if he were to be invited to someones house(or god forbid for him, invited themselves to ours) it would be ME pointing out MY childs rudeness - but even with his issues, the rudeness is always pointed out and dealt with as much as possible

saintlyjimjams · 01/02/2013 08:06

Kids coming knocking completely different than being put on the spot straight after school with the parent looking expectantly at you.

If my child did that I would step in and say something like 'oh I'm sure we all have things to do right now, maybe Billy Bob would like to come and play at our one day soon' (and wait for the mother to disagree if she actually wanted my child round there and then).

If Billy Bob lives in the same street and comes knocking on the door that's entirely different. "yes come in but we're going out in half an hour'

Flip

1 2