to have thought you wait to be invited?

[NearMissAgain]

I was taught:

You may invite a friend over to your house, but it's rude to ask someone if you can come to their house. If a friend lives in the same street or nearby, you can call at their front door and ask if they want to come out to play. You might then be invited in, but you may not invite yourself in.

Is this right? It's what I've taught my dcs too.

I'm having a bit of an issue with dd's school friend. They are both 7, almost 8. They don't live near us so when the girls want to play together out of school it involves dropping off and picking up by car. I like the friend, but she is very spoilt and manipulates her mum no end with tears, whining etc. Most days they come out of school together and the first thing the friend says to her mum is "I want to go to dd's house." DD likes to play with her friend but knows not to ask me too often if she can come over as we have other things to do after school and if I say no not today, she has to accept that. Sometimes the mum will offer for dd to come to their house, but the friend always says no, she wants to come to our house. The mum then looks at me for agreement, which I find a bit rude as I don't think you should invite yourself/your child to someone else's house. When I say no, it's not convenient today, I can hear the friend crying and complaining loudly all the way to the car, and the mum trying to appease her with promises of a treat. She has often looked very annoyed that I've refused, although hasn't said anything directly.

I can tell this is beginning to annoy me because sometimes we could take her dd home with us but I don't want to because I feel pushed into it! AIBU?

I don't see it is completely different jimjams
DD and friend greeted me outside school - both asking at same time for friend to play. DD had riding lesson later so the answer was sure you can come over for a couple of hours I'll drop you back when we go out.

If that hadn't been possible the answer would have been not tonight maybe next week. I don't see it as a big deal.

I do arrange times for the girl to come over quite often. I encourage all my dcs to give me notice on asking for friends over and not assume it will happen the same day, but that's flexible and sometimes we do it spontaneously. With 3 dcs, homework, various clubs etc it's sometimes just not possible, but even if I only had dd and loads of spare time, I still reserve the right to say no to a playdate even if I just can't face it on that day!

Agree there is a big difference between neighbours calling round and having a far away friend for several hours. The neighbours do come and go but sometimes only for a short time and I sometimes tell them not now and why. I'm not comfortable with them just walking in - most of them don't but one boy go a little too familiar and once wandered in and knocked on the bathroom door when I was in the shower, asking me where the dcs were! I had to have a word with him about that and tell him to please knock and not just walk in!

Even as an adult I wouldn't invite myself over. I even find it difficult asking mums I know for favours such as watching my dcs for a while if I need to do something, but of course I would do it for them and should just probably just relax. I think it partly a cultural thing - I have non-British friends who seem much more laid back about these kind of "rules". The same with handing out treats without asking the parent first - I would always ask the parent if the child can have it but not everyone does that judging by the number of times dd has appeared with a huge donut from somebody.

I realise this changes as they get older but then they are more independent and able to get themselves to friend's houses so it doesn't require so much of my input.

I'm thinking about this.

I would be very embarrassed if my dc came out with "Can I come to your house?"

However it really doesn't bother me if another child does it to me. I guess I take it as a compliment.

But what more often happens is the children have discussed it at school and come out coming "Pleeeeese mummy, we both want to..."

Well aren't you a barrel of laughs.

The tears and general spoiltyness of the behaviour you outline inthe OP is really bad. But I'm not a huge supporter of the idea it's rude to ask nicely. I think it can simply be clearer communication - the key is to not be expecting people to say yes, and to not feel obliged if you are asked. British reticence can just be a obfuscating pain and leave everyone less well off.

A clear direct question, a clear direct answer and no bad feeling would be ideal.

DD might have asked me or a friend to go to their house when she was younger, but I told her that you don't invite yourself over, you wait to be invited, but we can invite the friend to our house instead. She knows not to do it anymore. I have said similar to dd's friend when her mum was not there, but don't feel it's my place when the mum is present. The girl is no trouble at all for me but her behaviour changes the minute her mum arrives. She never wants to stop playing and leave, like all children, but her mum can't be firm with her and she ends up getting up to another hour. I've learnt to say an earlier time for pick up than I actually need! Even so I've had to go up to the bedroom myself and tell the friend "time to go now." The first time she ignored me, I said it in a firmer voice, she looked really surprised then went to find her shoes without any fuss. She still ended up running back upstairs after her mum didn't stop her. She just makes excuses for her daughter's behaviour, usually "she's so tired."

Well I guess asking politely is ok, but pestering and throwing a wobbly when told 'sorry not today, we're busy' is tiresome and rude.

The mum shouldn't be standing there letting all that happen though and allowing her dd to keep putting you on the spot

The fact that she's doing this so much makes me think the girl has realised she's onto a winner whatever happens.

If you say yes then result - she gets to play with dd at your house which is good.

If you say no then result - she squawks and mummy hands over a nice treat that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

But unfortunately this makes it more likely that she is going to ask every day in order to get her treat - an annoying moment for you but building up an annoying entitled little madam habit for the girl that her mum is going to have to deal with and either squash the habit or live with it!

Talk to the mother without kids around. Ring her maybe? Arrange to have a once weekly play date and alternate it between her house and yours? If child asks to have a play date at your house instead of her house, just explain that the play date has already been arranged and tell her what is happening when. Take charge and be matter of fact. The arrangements are not up for questioning.

Well aren't you a barrel of laughs

Quite!

My ds is very well brought up but he would still ask to go to mate's houses even though I told him it was better manners to wait to be asked, kids are kids they say all sorts of inappropriate things - nothing to get het up about!

If she asks just say not today but we can do it another day, it's no big deal.

I guess the main here though is actually the girls mother

I agree with TomArcher, I wouldn't mind the child asking to come over; but getting annoyed looks from the mother or having the child kick up a stink if I say 'sorry, not today. We're going to be really busy this afternoon' would really irritate me.