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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay DP's debts off for him?

29 replies

alisunshine29 · 31/01/2013 12:15

My DP has around £25,000 of debt from his marriage, £10,000 of which is still accruing interest. At present we do not live together, though we have been together for 3 years. I love him and trust him and have around £10,000 in savings - he works away and lives in work accomodation (free) so that he can pay off his debts. If I paid the ones accruing interest for him then we could move in together and would be very happy. However, my friend thinks I would be an idiot to do so - that he and his wife accrued the debts, he is an adult and needs to pay them off himself. He has never once suggested that I pay them for him. I just feel a bit of a meanie that I could pay them for him, but am not even though it is keeping us from living together which I very much want to do. AIBU?

OP posts:

CatelynStark · 31/01/2013 12:17

You would be insane to lay off his debts for him. Don't do it!!

CatelynStark · 31/01/2013 12:17

*pay. Obviously. Bloody iPad!

Dahlen · 31/01/2013 12:18

Do not do this. If you are not even living together yet, you are in no way committed enough or stable enough to do this. If he's not even suggested it (good), just let it be. I agree with your friend. Do you have a strong urge to solve everyone's problems? If so, you might want to work on that a bit.

What you could suggest, however, is that your DP goes to see a debt specialist, because he doesn't need to be paying interest on that £10,000.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2013 12:19

He will never learn if he gets bailed out all the time.

yaimee · 31/01/2013 12:21

Would it be with the intention of him repaying you? Is there any way of him transferring them to somewhere with less or no interest (credit cards etc) to give him a fighting chance of paying them off in a reasonable time?
Weight up how you would feel if things went tits up? Personally I'd rather just be broken hearted than broke and broken hearted!

OTTMummA · 31/01/2013 12:21

Listen to your friends. Please do not pay his debts off. I took out a loan to cover an ex's credit card and 3 months after he left me for someone else, I will never make that mistake again.

Ponderingonaquandry · 31/01/2013 12:22

Don't do it.

My sister took on half her dick head husbands debts when they divorced and that was a similar sum. He has no intention of paying any of his debt off and keeps defaulting on the mortgage of their joint property (which he moved the OW in to) so her credit rating has been hit hard.

The way I look at it is he's done it once (cheating and getting into debt) he will do it again. Good riddance to him and good luck to her taking him on!

TeenyW123 · 31/01/2013 12:23

Get him to look at the Mötley Fool website - Dealing with Debt. They have CAB experts helping to work out structured plans on how to reduce and eliminate debt. Watch what debt companies you steer him to; there's a lot of shysters out there who make a profit from debters.
And don't pay his debts yourself. Until you know that he's got spending under control you don't want him associated with your finances cos it could taint your credit record too.

HalfSpamHalfBrisket · 31/01/2013 12:23

Don't do it!
My DP was £25k in debt too. I let him move in. I continued to pay all household expenses so he could throw a huge wedge of cash at the debt. He paid off £600/month for 4 years to clear it.
So I effectively bankrolled his living expenses for 4 years. He now contributes an equal amount, but in my heart I still resent him for letting me do what I did (and then whinge when I told him to pay his share after the debt was gone).
Had mumsnet been around I never would have let him move in with me in the first place.

PureQuintessence · 31/01/2013 12:24

Your friend is right. You would be an idiot.

Let him sort his own debts.

sooperdooper · 31/01/2013 12:25

No, don't pay off his debts, you're not married so I don't think you have enough commitment to do that

Has he taken any kind of financial advice about paying off the debt, if he accrued the debt with his ex what is she doing about paying it off?

andubelievedthat · 31/01/2013 12:25

love is wonderful,(really, it is!) splitting up is shit (sometimes) splitting up skint or skint ish cos u had no legal agreement re the (your)money wot you paid of his debts with, which he is refusing to acknowledge at all is BIG shit ! cynic that i am , a woman in possession of a wedge of cash is a woman who is in charge of her own life !!! u would do well to remember that.

StuntGirl · 31/01/2013 12:26

Are you mad? Don't even consider it.

TheCraicDealer · 31/01/2013 12:28

I'm sure it took him and the ex wife a lot less time to spend that ten grand than it did for you to save it.

Although you say he hasn't asked for you to help him out, if he's even alluded to it you need to kick him into touch. You've been with him 3 years and he's still got a mountain of debt, despite living in the block in order to save. So either he's not paying it off as much as he could be or he's not dealing with it properly by taking (free!) advice from organisations that are there to help people like him who could stop him accruing interest etc. Either way, doesn't look amazing.

PureQuintessence · 31/01/2013 12:33

You also dont know for sure that it really WAS the wives debts, it could have been his, and by paying them off, so that he can move in with you and potentially spend MORE of your money, could be futile.

SomethingProfound · 31/01/2013 12:36

Don't do it.

If he lives in work accommodation for free that often means you don't need to pay bills either other than council tax. So these debts shouldn't take long to get down to a more manageable amount enabling you to live together.

pipsytwos · 31/01/2013 12:40

Don't do it. I lost so much money to an ex, who I loved and trusted and then found out he was getting it on with a girl behind my back. It adds a whole heap of extra insult to injury of anything happens. I resent it to this day and it was years ago.

fluffyraggies · 31/01/2013 13:02

I did it.

We're married now and he's my DH, but he was a DP of 3 years when i paid his debt off. 8K on credit.

This was from before we met: a holiday with an ex which she was meant to pay half of, but hadn't, 2 work vehicles which had long since died, the funds to repay a loan to his family, plus one or two major repairs to an exisiting work vehicle.

He moved in with me and my DCs and became the main earner and therefore main payer of bills in the home. The debt was wasn't shrinking due to the fact that all he could afford to pay was interest every month. He was working hard, but it was stressing him out, and therefore affecting us both.

A year after we moved in together i came into a bit of money and paid off the debt (and bought him a better work vehicle which didn't keep dying) It freed up a chunk of money every month which went towards the bills and DCs and meant our heads were above water. He did not ask or expect for me to pay it. He was very squirmy about it actually as deep down he is a very "cave-man y 'I must provide for my women and children' " sort.

When we row i think about it and fester a bit, but we don't row much. I think it made financial sense. I don't regret it.

PureQuintessence · 31/01/2013 13:13

But fluffy, you and him were living together were you not?

The op does not even live with her boyfriend, and she is considering paying his debt.

OP, have you considered that he is using the debt as an excuse not to commit to you? That he is perfectly happy in staff accommodation?
That he would be insulted if you were to suggest it?
That he is banking on you suggesting it, which is why he has told you he has to live in staff accommodation (as opposed to moving in with you which he knows you want)?

Sallyingforth · 31/01/2013 13:20

Money is a shitty thing that can destroy even good relationships. If you do this it could cause resentment or guilt on either side.
Don't do it.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2013 13:24

Your friend is right. And here's another inconvenient truth: if he really wanted to live with you, he'd have paid off his debts.

CailinDana · 31/01/2013 13:24

Another one saying no. £10,000 is an enormous amount of money, an amount that could cause serious resentment in future.

CitizenOscar · 31/01/2013 13:29

My now DH had/has debts and I have/had enough money to pay them off. When we got married( or just before I can't remember), he did ask if I'd think about paying them off and he'd pay me back.

I thought about it but didn't feel comfortable about doing it & he was fine with that.

My reasons:

he built up the debt and is quite bad with money so I felt he should learn his lesson by paying it off properly and swallowing the sacrifices that entailed

I'd worry about resenting him. I'd already supported him through 2 years of uni which I was happy to do (he worked part-time). But I knew it would rankle especially if we were having arguments or other tough times.

Everyone's different but in your case I really think you'd be taking a big risk to your finances and relationship if you paid off his debt.

comingintomyown · 31/01/2013 13:36

no way would I pay it or consider it my problem he has these debts

DontmindifIdo · 31/01/2013 13:45

hmm, he's living for free, unless he's on very low pay, I don't understand why he's still got such huge debts after 3 years. I would have thought most people living rent free with no DCs or dependents to keep would be able to pay off say £500 a month, how much is he paying back that he's still not made a dent in it after 3 years? Or has he been paying it off and £25k is what's left?

Send him for debt advice, there should be ways to reorganise it so he doesn't have large interest payments.

Honestly, you could clear out your savings, but then he'd still have £15k of debt and between you you'd have no savings. How is that a good start? Surely he'd still need to continue to pay off his debts at a similar rate to then get rid of the £15k...

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