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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my Dad he has to leave?

49 replies

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 11:11

This could be a long one, but I'd really appreciate some impartial views and advice.
18 months ago my Dad suffered a nervous breakdown, lost his job, left the family home, and generally had a really awful time. For over a year, we barely heard from him, we didn't know where he was living and he had no phone to contact him... we relied on him occasionally coming round just to know that he was ok. Anyway, with counselling and some time later, he now seems to be much better than he was, though he still isn't working.

Since last summer, he was living in a flat and we were in much closer contact with him. In around September he started talking about how a nuisance family had moved into one of the neighbouring flats. Every time he came round he told how they had been stealing from other residents, inviting all sorts of people back, threatening the other residents and generally causing a nuisance. I had said to him that if he needed to, he could stay with me and DH until he could find somewhere new, and he eventually asked to take me up on my offer at the beginning of December. Now I thought it was clear that this was just a temporary measure to get him out of that flat, until he found somewhere new. However, he is still staying here in our house, and my DH is pushing me to find out when he is going to leave.

He does try to help out around the house, he's fixed a few things etc. but he's here all day every day, he eats with us, and obviously uses our wifi, heating, baths etc, but he doesn't contribute financially for staying here or eating our food (which would have been fine if it was only for a couple of weeks, but after 2 months it is beginning to grate a little...) and I really don't know what to do. On the one hand I really just want our house back to ourselves and to not be funding someone elses living costs. On the other hand, it has been nice to know that Dad is ok, after so long worrying about him all the time, and the last thing I want to do is to make him feel like he's not wanted so that he leaves with nowhere else to go.

The other thing to mention is that he now has a new partner. They haven't been together long, but I'm sure he hasn't been truthful with her about his situation. She has stayed here a couple of weekends, and makes comments about 'his house' and 'his job', and I wonder if perhaps his reluctance to leave is somehow connected to this?

I've no idea how to approach this with him. He is so reserved, he keeps everything to himself, and he finds it hard to talk about things with others..... and I hate confrontation. So if anyone had any inspiring thoughts or ideas on what the good thing to do would be, I would be so grateful to hear them.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 31/01/2013 11:18

Well if he has a new partner then that might be a good angle - ask him if he wouldn't prefer his own space so that they can see each other uninterrupted and no you are NOT offering to leave your own house so he can do it there!

Or, perhaps as she has stayed over, you could mention that you find it really uncomfortable being able to hear their "activities" (regardless of whether or not you really can hear) and are hoping that he'll be able to find his own place soon so they can do what they like without interference.

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 11:25

Oh Thumb thank you so much for your ideas... but I just don't think I could be that frank with my Dad!! I need to grow a backbone don't I?! However, he has just text me to ask if I mind his partner staying over this weekend, so I might brace myself and have that conversation afterwards, as it really does need sorting before my DH loses all generosity.

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 31/01/2013 11:29

I think if he'd been paying towards his keep, a 2 month stay wouldn't be over the top in the circumstances...but having his partner over in addition to not paying is a bit much.

You need to ask him for a contribution and also to discuss his plans for a ne place.

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 11:36

I agree, I think it's the lack of contribution whatsoever that really stings for my DH, since he pays the majority of the mortgage and bills anyway as he earns a lot more than me, so he is essentially almost paying for the upkeep of 3 people exclusively. I was hoping dad would just find somewhere of his accord and tell us when he was going, so that I wouldn't have to be in this situation, alas, it looks like I will have to have that uncomfortable conversation with him. I just don't know what to say...

OP posts:

manicbmc · 31/01/2013 11:38

Start it with 'Dad, when are you going to look for a new flat?' Then point him in the direction of flats online.

Corygal · 31/01/2013 11:42

Do you suspect that DF has told new lady that your house is his? Sounds like it. He may also be faking a job.

What sort of breakdown was it?

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 11:42

straight to the point... I like it. I might just do it.... just as soon as that backbone has finished growing.

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 31/01/2013 11:43

You need to gently broach the subject. Say to him that you will help him find somewhere new and get settled in. perhaps make it clear that you will visit regularly and keep in contact. Could you visit an estate agents and get some properties to look at. Perhaps you could say you were walking past and just saw them in the window and thought he might be interested.

Corygal · 31/01/2013 11:46

Also, surely his Housing Benefit is under risk in his flat unless he's a) given it up forever b) not told the council he's moved out (which would have been the smart move).

DF can get a loan for a deposit for a new place and HB should pay for it, so a new flat is no problem, to be honest. Good news.

Do you know what DF was diagnosed with? Does he drink? bipolar? Both these diseases cost an arm and a leg so he may be pretty skint.

Locketjuice · 31/01/2013 11:47

Always better to be straight, beating around the bush will lead you down all sorts of paths of what you meant by being kind and what your dad thought you meant if you understand where I'm coming from?

Just be polite but no apologetic after all you did help him out you are not obliged as his daughter to have him living there

Good luck!

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 11:50

Umm I'm not sure what kind of breakdown it was, but the triggers were not having dealt with his fathers' death a few years earlier (his dad was the only person he really ever opened up to, so once he was gone, he just stopped discussing feelings, emotions etc.) combined with lots of stress with my mum recovering from major surgery and him having a lot of extra responsibility at work when someone was off sick. We found out after that he had turned to drink in a big way, and stopped going into work (hence losing his job). He's had counselling and lots of CBT to deal with his anxiety etc. and is managing much better now.

I get the feeling that perhaps his new partner has presumed that the house is his, and he just hasn't corrected her.... He is such a proud man, I can completely see him having told her he has a job because he's embarrassed that he hasn't. But obviously that causes its own problems as she thinks he has more money than he does etc. Not a great start for a new rrelationship....

OP posts:

becstarlightstarbright · 31/01/2013 11:50

Speaking as a fellow 'tiptoeing around my mentally fragile parents' person, I think perhaps a softer but still direct 'It's been so lovely having you Dad. But how is the flat search going? Have you been to see anywhere nice?' And if he says 'no, there isn't anything' look a bit surprised and 'Oh. But you are looking? Because like we said this was just until you got a new place, right?' Then offer to go with him to the housing office, cut out some adverts for him, set up some appointments. The only trouble with asking for a financial contribution is that I think that will confirm the permanence of this arrangement and will your DH be happy about that? Even if your DF does pay his way? My DH wouldn't...

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/01/2013 11:52

What happened to his old flat? Has he officially moved out and terminated the tenancy? Or is he still paying rent on it?

Could you take the solicitous track with your Dad if you have a vertebral problem - make it all about your concerns for him? 'Dad, I'm a bit concerned about you staying here as long as you have - I see you becoming less independent with every week that passes, and almost becoming like a resident of an old folks' home. I think it's making you old before your time. I really think you need to get yourself a new flat and get back on track.'

And also - he has given you an opening - do you mind his new partner staying this weekend - the correct response is hell, yes!

Hullygully · 31/01/2013 11:54

Oh poor you!

Somehow, you have to talk to him. Somehow. I can see how difficult it is, and I can see how you don't want to frighten him off again, he obviously feels "safe" in your house, perhaps enjoying the lack of responsibility for a while, but asking to have his partner stay etc is really going a bit far, he isn't your teenage child! He should have enough tact not to do that.

Astley · 31/01/2013 11:54

I can't really get passed the fact you resent him living off you for a couple of months after a breakdown

I'm assuming you didn't grow up with him, or have him support you as a child, as otherwise I cannot fathom this attitude at all.

Corygal · 31/01/2013 12:00

Perhaps OP is petrified the dad will never move out.

Has he stopped drinking?

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 12:02

Yes he terminated his contract at his old flat (it was just a rolling monthly arrangement) and has told the council that he is here. Thank you all so much for your insight and ideas, it feels so much better having asked for some perspective rather than me and DH quietly arguing amongst ourselves about how to sort it. The fact of the matter is no, my DH would not accept money from him now, he just wants the house back to ourselves, as do I, but not at the expense of Dad's health. I think I'll try the softly approach, cutting out adverts, asking about what he's seen etc, get the ball rolling. DH is NOT going to be pleased when I tell him about his partner coming at the weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 12:04

I don't resent him, not at all, that's why he's here.

OP posts:

LifeofPo · 31/01/2013 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 12:12

I think if we had seen some definite moves to finding somewhere, then my DH would be more understanding, but the fact is, we've seen no evidence that he's even looking for somewhere new, so until he has a date that Dad will be moving out again, he won't rest.

OP posts:

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 12:16

Oh and yes he's stopped drinking now, I'm really proud of how far he has come, I think it just all got too much for him at that time. He's just text again to tell me he's made some food for my dinner when I get in... sob!

OP posts:

TalkativeJim · 31/01/2013 12:24

How is your mum doing after being abandoned by her partner in the wake of major surgery and being left with all bills and responsibilities once the other family wage earner bailed on her?

Original poster

picklepepper · 31/01/2013 12:29

My mum is doing really well now TalkativeJim. She has the house / bills everything all sorted, and we help her out where we can so she has a bit of extra money for treats etc. She too now has a lovely new partner and is happy. Of course, as you allude to, it has been hellish for her too... but she has moved on and is better for it.

OP posts:

andubelievedthat · 31/01/2013 12:32

bugger ! he gives you life , he raises you ,/guides you and then, kicked about like a sick dog in his day of need, really, he is your dad.50% of everything about you is him.lots of descreet suggesstions re how to "get rid of him" >>>>nice!

LifeofPo · 31/01/2013 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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