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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think somebody needs to speak to my step daughter?

34 replies

Bottleoffish · 31/01/2013 09:57

Dh met his ex wife when her DD was very young. She has always called him Daddy/Dad (her own father wants no contact at all and never has done) and has no idea he is not her biological Father.

DSD has had some problems growing up, but is now in her early 20's, at Uni, in what seems a commited relationship. She is a wonderful and very bright young woman.

DSD was 10 when I met DH and I have always made it clear to him that I didn't agree with the fact that she had been lied to, as I felt this would make things incredibly hard for her when she found out the truth. He did agree, but is obviously reluctant for DSD to know the truth, partly because he doesn't want to hurt her and partly as he worries she will no longer want to know him.

He has broached the subject with his ex wife a few times, but she always stalls with an excuse, like waiting until after her GSCE's, after her A Levels, not the right time etc. DSD did once tell her Mum she suspected DH was not her father, but her Mum flatly denied it. I think her Mum would prefer DSD never knew.

I know it's not really any of my business, but I love DSD and care for her and I feel the longer this is put off, the worse it will be, because it means everyone that loves her has lied for even longer and she may wish to try and contact her bio father and even if it is hard for her if he doesn't want to know her, it may be harder if he dies first or something.

AIBU to think that DSD needs and has a right to know that DH is not her bio father and that it should be sooner rather than later?

OP posts:

mixedupmary · 31/01/2013 10:05

I was in the situation as your stepdaughter up until I was 18, when I was told my dad wasnt my biological father.

Im glad I found out, because I found I had half sisters,brothers etc that I didnt know about. It didnt make me love my dad any less, in fact I had even more love and respect for him knowing that he had raised me as his own.

My biological father turned out to be a low mark so I didnt have any contact. Now its unspoken about really and thingshave carried on as normal. I dont even think about the fact my dad isnt my real dad.

I dont think Yabu that you want your stepdaughter to know the truth, she will want to know.

Its down to her mother and her husband to broach the subject and decide a plan of action.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 31/01/2013 10:06

Something very similar to this happened in my family.

I still have no clue as to whether the girl knows, but basically everyone else does. So it will come out. Her sister knows and it will probably come out in one of their many rows. Which would be horrible.

I agree that she needs to know, but it really isnt your position. It has to come from them. I can see how difficult it is for you though.

mixedupmary · 31/01/2013 10:07

Sorry your husband

nefertarii · 31/01/2013 10:08

I have a friend in this situation. But the child is 11.

In an ideal world she would know. But its not.
Your dh has to make the decision and if he really feels she must know. He needs to tell his ex that he is telling her.

In some ways the ex is right and the timing of it could cause further damage. But there will never be a good time.

You have said it yourself. Its not really your business and if your dh really anted to tell her. He would have.

pingu2209 · 31/01/2013 10:11

Even after all these years with your dh, I don't think this is something you have a right to push an opinion. Of course you will have an opinion, but it isn't up to you to push it on your dh or his ex wife.

I kind of fully understand why her 'parents' don't want to tell her before major events, especially if she has had a few tough times growing up so far. Wait till all her exams are over. Then approach the subject, softly, with your dh.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 31/01/2013 10:12

This happened to a friend of mine. The truth only emerged when the friend developed medical issues whilst pregnant which meant that doctors needed to go digging into her 'father's' genetic history. It caused massive problems not only emotionally but medically too.

DSD needs to be told.

Original poster

Bottleoffish · 31/01/2013 10:12

mixedupmary, it sounds like you coped very well with it all, that is reassurring to know.

wannabe, that is the thing. Everyone else knows. DSD may even know on some level as she asked her Mum outright.

nefertarii, it's not really about what my DH wants though is it? It's about what is best for his DD?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bottleoffish · 31/01/2013 10:15

breastmilk, I think that is one of the things that worries me most, that DSD may decide to have DC sooner rather than later and that it would be easier and better for her to know beforehand, but then I wondered if knowing would really make any difference in a pregnancy anyway. Obviously that is what happened with your friend.

I think DH just buries his head in the sand tbh, as does his ex wife.

OP posts:

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 31/01/2013 10:18

Whos on DSDs birth certificate?

nefertarii · 31/01/2013 10:21

nefertarii, it's not really about what my DH wants though is it? It's about what is best for his DD?

Yes its about the girl. But its his decision to tell. Absolutely not yours. As I said the right thing would be to tell her. But you say the ex has put it off. I am saying that if he really wanted to tell her, he would have by now.

if he doesn't, that's his decison. Not much you can do. Its not for you to tell her, imo.

DeWe · 31/01/2013 10:27

Hmm. I don't think you have any right to insist, it is their (your dh and exwife) business, not yours to tell.

But I have a friend who hasn't spoken to her parents in 20 years over finding out something similar from a family friend, who didn't realise she didn't know.

Her parents say it didn't matter and really not their fault (my dm has told them many times that they were wrong and should be apologising as other people have) and my friend is very hurt. She has, since finding out, developped an eating disorder and other issues that are almost definitely related to the hurt and rejection and the stress over that time.

Original poster

Bottleoffish · 31/01/2013 10:36

DH's name is on her birth certificate.

Nefertarii, goodness, I would never take it upon myself to tell her, of course not. DH does think she needs to know, so although there's an element of him not wanting to I think it's more a case of him (understandably) being worried about what may happen and also just not dealing with emotional issues very well.

OP posts:

FayeKorgasm · 31/01/2013 12:01

It is so sad that this has been allowed to drag on for so long. Your DSD must be told. She has the absolute right to know her background. Hiding such a huge fundamental truth is shocking.

I imagine she will be very cross when she does find out, however that is, but I'm sure that the lovely person you say she is, will cope and be understanding in the end. Your DH will always be her father.

Good luck OP. You are absolutely right IMO.

DPotter · 31/01/2013 12:34

Hang on a minute - how come your Dh's name is on the birth certificate ? Have just checked on line and births in the UK must be registered within 42 days so did your DH meet his ex wife when DSD was under 42 days. Sounds a bit odd to me. I know husbands are automatically considered the father even if they are not - timeline don't work for me...........

GreatUncleEddie · 31/01/2013 12:38

How is his name on the birth certificate? That's not right is it...

cumfy · 31/01/2013 12:49

Dh met his ex wife when her DD was very young.

DH's name is on her birth certificate.

I'm probably being a little slow but how can both of these be accurate ?

Floggingmolly · 31/01/2013 12:51

His name is on the birth certificate? Then you most certainly don't know the full story, and should back off and let the girl's parents handle it themselves.

socharlotte · 31/01/2013 12:55

I think you might be the one not being told the whole truth....

cumfy · 31/01/2013 12:58

I very much think you should tell her what you know.

She is an adult who clearly already has her suspicions which she has tried to openly raise with her mother; only to be lied to.

Do you know if her biological father may have serious criminal convictions or is a drag addict ?

moajab · 31/01/2013 13:31

Are you sure it's a birth certificate and not an adoption certificate? Is your DH legally her father?

Original poster

Bottleoffish · 31/01/2013 14:39

DH's name is on the birth certificate because they had it changed. It said 'father unknown' when she was born and they lied and said that they had since found out he was the father, so his name was added/it was amended.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bottleoffish · 31/01/2013 14:40

and yes, I am aware that this is very, very wrong. DH and his ex were young and presumably stupid when they did that. Presumably these laws are in place precisely so situtaions like this can't happen?

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 31/01/2013 14:44

They lied to add him on her birth certificate? Oh god that's a bit messy.

She needs to know. She needs to know before she gets to an age of thinking about a family of her own.

socharlotte · 31/01/2013 14:44

Well in that case I think your DH is right to keep stumm

achillea · 31/01/2013 14:55

I would say tell her as soon as possible. More importantly than knowing that her step-dad is not her real father, is that she is able to trace and make a connection with her real father. This is important for medical reasons and also for legal reasons.

She is young enough to forgive and I think now would be the best time to do it - while she has support around her to cope. I think both parents are being very selfish by not telling her the truth.

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