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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think somebody needs to speak to my step daughter?

34 replies

Bottleoffish · 31/01/2013 09:57

Dh met his ex wife when her DD was very young. She has always called him Daddy/Dad (her own father wants no contact at all and never has done) and has no idea he is not her biological Father.

DSD has had some problems growing up, but is now in her early 20's, at Uni, in what seems a commited relationship. She is a wonderful and very bright young woman.

DSD was 10 when I met DH and I have always made it clear to him that I didn't agree with the fact that she had been lied to, as I felt this would make things incredibly hard for her when she found out the truth. He did agree, but is obviously reluctant for DSD to know the truth, partly because he doesn't want to hurt her and partly as he worries she will no longer want to know him.

He has broached the subject with his ex wife a few times, but she always stalls with an excuse, like waiting until after her GSCE's, after her A Levels, not the right time etc. DSD did once tell her Mum she suspected DH was not her father, but her Mum flatly denied it. I think her Mum would prefer DSD never knew.

I know it's not really any of my business, but I love DSD and care for her and I feel the longer this is put off, the worse it will be, because it means everyone that loves her has lied for even longer and she may wish to try and contact her bio father and even if it is hard for her if he doesn't want to know her, it may be harder if he dies first or something.

AIBU to think that DSD needs and has a right to know that DH is not her bio father and that it should be sooner rather than later?

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 31/01/2013 14:57

She needs to know because if she was ever ill and the doctor needed a full family history she would be giving wrong information and if she had an illness with a genetic link this could have very serious consequence.

DoctorAnge · 31/01/2013 14:59

Wow what a mess. :(

hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2013 15:10

For medical reasons she may need to know.
But as you DH name is on the birth certificate, she shouldn't be able to find out so if they don't want to tell her then I don't see an issue.
Can her bio father be found? Is your DH ex still in touch with him.
See if she can find out a medical history, that may help a bit.
Wow - it is a mess and good luck with it all, what ever happens.

FlorentinePogen · 31/01/2013 15:24

I am an adoptee and have first-hand experience of the emotional turmoil / fallout that can ensue when lies are perpetuated over many years regarding parentage issues. In my experience, the longer the lie is maintained the greater the damage will be.

OP, this is probably not what you want to hear, but if I were you (and if you are sure your DH and his ex. will continue their ostrich act) I would take the bull by the horns and let your DSD know what you know. I appreciate that a couple of other posters have basically said that you should not get involved / not your place etc. but I disagree. In my case, (I won't go into detail, far too complicated ! Smile) I received unsolicited information from a 3rd party who turned out to be an old friend of my late biological mother and on many levels it completed a very complex jigsaw for me. I couldn't thank her enough.

I suspect that if you could muster the courage to speak to your DSD, you will be doing her a huge service and she will feel as I did about the messenger.

DoctorAnge · 31/01/2013 16:27

Wow what a mess. :(

Seabird72 · 31/01/2013 16:36

They need to sit her down together and explain the truth - she needs to know because it would be horribly messy if it came out any other way. They can explain thatthey lied on the birth cert. because your DH didn't want to go through the business of adoption (especially if birth father couldn't be found for his agreement) and because your DH has always loved her as his own that would be enough reason for her to understand why he agreed to do it. If they all act like grown ups it shouldn't really be a problem except that she will obviously feel a little cheated and lied to but again, they could explain that they wanted to wait until she was emotionally ready to hear such news. She should have the right to track down her bio father but the mother can explain that he didn;t want contact back then - he may feel differently now and she has the right to know about any half-siblings she may have - although of course your DH and the mother can point out that they may not know about her. It is a mess but if handled right it doesn't have to be so traumatic - lying to her though will make it traumatic if she were to then discover the truth later in life - what if she finds out and then tracks down her bio father only to discober he's just died? Then she may feel she has lost something that in reality - if given time to discover - might not be what she thinks it could have been (if that makes sense!!) - If she discovers something too late she'll have all kinds of fantasy thoughts about what might have been rather than having to face reality. She's not a child anymore. Maybe wait until uni is out of the way though.

cumfy · 31/01/2013 18:13

I think another issue is, unfortunately, are you 100% sure that XW wasn't raped ?

NatashaBee · 31/01/2013 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

achillea · 01/02/2013 09:22

I think while she is at uni she will have plenty of support and services around her. She is also forced to focus on her work. If you leave it until she's looking for an entry into the job market it could become a distraction and she may dwell on it too much.

I would offer the parents a 'you tell her or I will' ultimatum. They do need to act like grown ups.

Where is the father - does anyone know?

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