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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want another baby? ( big age gaps)

27 replies

Lily15 · 30/01/2013 21:51

We have DS 9, DD 4 and DD 21 months. I keep thinking about having another baby but we don't want to try for another year or two as we have so much going on with a new house and work.. Is it selfish of me when my son will be 11 or 12 and starting secondary school to have a new baby? He already gets frustrated with the sisters he has! Or am I over thinking this? Does anyone else have 10+ years between children??

OP posts:

pippinsmum · 30/01/2013 21:55

I have 2 ds and there is 13 years between them, they get on great together and are really close. plus all his mates think his bro is so cute.

HollyBerryBush · 30/01/2013 21:55

12 years between me and my brother. A generation gap. TBH I had nothing to do with him until I was 14 and he returned home after being in the forces. We are just people with a common blood link.

LatteLady · 30/01/2013 22:00

There is 18 years between me and my brother, 12 between me and my sister and just nine between me and my other brother... so yes, you are over thinking it. If it happens and you are happy about it, go for it :)

flaggybannel · 30/01/2013 22:01

My ds is 16 , i have been a lp since he was 3weeks old. I am finally in a stable relationship with a man i love and i am considering trying for another child with this man. I feel that the decision isnt just mine and my partners though. I feel i would also have to consult with my ds. Its tricky, and am torn as i would really love to experience bringing up a child with someone who shares the responsibility 50/50 . Then again i am well aware that this would be a fairly unusual situation to put my son in. And would he even want a say in it?
Hope you come to your conclusion easily and best of luck!

manorandshua · 30/01/2013 22:18

I have a 10 years old and s 5 months old. My older son says he is the best thing happened to him!!! He insists on pushing the pram around even on the playground and he gets all the girls cooing over his little brother.He is so proud of him. Novelty might wear off at some point but right now he is loving having his brother around.The big age gap works for us. No jealousy and I don't think there will be due to the age gap they will always be interested in different things, no fighting over toys etc..good luck.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 30/01/2013 22:34

I have 16 years (almost exactly) between my first and last children.
My pfb has now left home though, and hardly ever sees the others - they know who he is, and very very occasionally he will invite them round for tea or take one of them out somewhere, but when it comes down to it, to all intents and purposes, as they get older, he will be practically a stranger I think, especially to my youngest three.
My DH is 8 and 14 years younger than his sisters, and he has said several times that once MiL has gone (she's in her 80s now) then he doubts he will ever see his sisters again, they don't visit us and we don't really ever visit them, again, it's only a "relationship by name" iyswim, rather than an actual familial feeling.
That said, it's not a bad thing as such, they just have different things going on, and are all very different people. It's not upsetting, it's just what is so to speak.

littlemisssarcastic · 30/01/2013 22:34

There is 17 years between my 2 DC. My DS was 17 when DD was born. He was never keen on the idea, in fact he was very kind of whatever about it, mainly because he knew it was my decision.

I had brought up DS on his own from birth, and also wanted the 50/50 care, to be able to share this with my partner.

However, my relationship broke down, DS left home (mainly due, he says, to not wanting to share living space with DD) and I can't say they get along that well now, almost 4 and a half years down the road.

I have noticed a change in DS lately though, and it's not as bad as it was, but DS has definitely felt usurped in my affection by DD, even though I have done and said everything possible to make sure he didn't feel this way.

Imo, it probably didn't help that DS didn't like babies or children generally before I became pregnant. He was never particularly good with babies and has never shown an interest in them. I suppose I thought it would work out over time, only it didn't.

I have probably just had an unfortunate experience between my 2 though.

thebody · 30/01/2013 22:39

Yes I have 4.. Lads 23 and 21 and dds 13 and 12..

Absolutely fantastic. The girls have 3 daddies in effect and they adore/teach/tease on every level.

The dds help them enormously in all areas, school, social life and the girls listen as they are the same generation.

It's brilliant. Ds went over dds GCSE options with her last night and its such a help as I work ft and dh often away.

DoesItComeInBlack · 30/01/2013 22:43

Can I claim the prize for biggest age gap??? My DS is 21 and my DD is three there are 18 years and 6 months between them. They adore each other, My son can't wait to wee his little sister if he is away for a couple of days and she's the same with him.
I wouldn't change a thing and having DD was one of the best decisions I ever made.

LouMae · 30/01/2013 22:46

Ten years between me and my brother and sister. Always felt left out and an outsider.

totallytropical · 30/01/2013 22:52

I have 18 years between my two. They have different fathers; I raised DD mostly as a single parent, then got married and had DS when DD was 18. Their relationship is a bit more like aunt/nephew, DD was mostly independent by that age and spent most of her time away at university so there weren't the same issues that littlemisssarcastic had.

Personally I liked raising two dc that way - I could have had DS earlier (I got married when she was 14) but this way it is more like raising two only children. I was able to focus entirely on one child at a time, never had to deal with clashing school runs etc. It helps that we have lots of aunts/cousins so the big gap is filled by lots of cousins who were born inbetween.

DumSpiroSpero · 30/01/2013 23:03

My dad and two of his brothers were all born within 3 years and ended up in children's home (nan was a war widow & struggled to cope with the young boys single handedly).

Dad was 14 when his sister was born & was like an extra parent to her. Her dad died when she was in her teens so my dad gave her away at her wedding having come home from living abroad to do so. He met my mum during his visit & never went back to Australia & my cousin and I were born exactly a year apart!

So a large age-gap success story that has worked for not one but two generations as DCousin & are are both only children that have benefitted from out parents close relationship .

Softlysoftly · 30/01/2013 23:13

Some of these are really sad :(

There are 10 yrs between me and little sis, 16 between her and eldest sister and then a middle sister. We all get on brilliantly. And I remember caring for her a lot feeding her chocolate and tying her hair in poochie style when she was a tot.

footphobic · 30/01/2013 23:14

We had been thinking about another for some time, umming and ahhing as I have some health issues, already had 4 dcs, age was becoming a factor and DH was happy to be past the baby stage.

In the end we knew we would regret it if we didn't so decided to go for it - dd3 was born when our other dcs were 12, 10 and dts 7. They were really happy and excited about the whole idea when I was pregnant and have absolutely adored her since the minute she arrived.

Having her 'complete' the family was very special for them, they are very proud of her and love watching her as she is growing up, going to school, learning to swim, school Christmas play etc.

It definitely been one of the best decisions we've ever made.

peanutMD · 30/01/2013 23:15

There is 19 years between myself (26) and my sisters (7).

In all honesty I love them too bits BUT I do get a lot of people thinking I am their Aunt or Mum and I do have a different relationship with them than I do with my brother (8 year gap).

The only way I can describe it is that I don't feel like I'm their sister as such because I haven't been brought up with them so they are more like nieces than sisters but I'm sure this will change in time as it is hard to identify with 7 year olds unless its in a motherly role if that makes sense.

As mentioned above though I do have a fantastic relationship with my brother, yes we still argue and slap each other about every now and again but e are very close despite the 8 year gap :o

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/01/2013 23:17

Nearly 20 between my oldest and youngest.

Yanbu

FortyFacedFuckers · 30/01/2013 23:24

I was 17 when my mum had my brother and I love him to bits we have a fantastic relationship much better than I have with my sister (2 year age gap) I wouldn't worry about it too much if you want another one go for it.

Moominsarescary · 30/01/2013 23:32

Ds1 was 8 when ds2 was born, 16 when ds3 arrived and will be a week off 18 when ds4 is born. He loves spending time with ds3, he's not so keen on ds2 though!

Ds2 is 10 and also really enjoys having ds3 around. He's really excited about the new baby

HollyBerryBush · 30/01/2013 23:33

my ex-MIL had 9 children over 31 years. Same husband.

Suffice to say the 50 somethings have sod all to do with the 20 somethings. Actually, now I think about it, none them actually talk to eaAch other at all!

Her gaps were 7 in 9 years, a 12 year gap and another 12 year gap. Nope, they all hate each other.

Umanayana · 30/01/2013 23:35

I have Ds1 nearly 15 Ds2 12 and DD 22 months. My sons were thrilled to have another sibling and they absolutely adore her. Go for it!

oohlaalaa · 01/02/2013 21:59

I'm 9 years older than my DB. We are very close, especially as adults.

shesariver · 01/02/2013 22:11

Yes, me! DS1 is nearly 20, after I had him young and he died I met my now DH when he was 3. We now have DS2 who's 10 and DS3 who's 5. Its all good, but it is like having 2 separate families if that makes sense. And DS1 gets on better with the youngest than the middle one!

mardyelsie · 01/02/2013 22:23

My kids are 14, 5 and 2. The nine year age gap us great, it's useful having another pair of hands to help with the little ones. DP is 20 years older than his sister, and they're really close.

Fuzzymum1 · 01/02/2013 22:27

My older boys were 13 and 9 when DS3 arrived. It's been great :D

Shellywelly1973 · 01/02/2013 22:28

Ds1 will be 24 when my new baby arrives.

Biggest gap is 10 years between dd2&dd3.

Ds1&dd1have left home now. Dd3 is 12,ds2 is 8& ds3 is coming up 5.

42 Years from raising my first child to my last child will reach 18! I will be older then my own mum is by the time my youngest is 18!!

My older dc come round a few times a week. Dd1 &dd2 don't get on great but to be honest i think Thats more about personalities then age gap. The younger dc love their big brother & sister, its lovely but very noisy when they all are together.

Though if i had my time again, i would have not left such large age gaps. Dc 3,4&5 were all planned with military precision!

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