to be fed up about Grandparents complaining about not seeing their grandchildren

[Seabird72]

Every time another report comes out from Age Concern about lonely older people and it's all finger pointing at their children and grandchildren ignoring them in their time of need - being too busy with their own lives to even pop in and say hello or pick up the phone - it is driving me mad - yes some elderly people have been treated terribly by their families when they have done so much for their children/grandchildren but there are also a huge number of families out there who have struggled to get their parents interested in their grandchildren.

My own parents basically felt that working and cleaning the house were more important than spending any time with me or my brother - there weren't many family holidays or days out, playing board games or having a story read and don't get me started on lack of involvement regarding school issues/homework/exams etc - the first thing I was told when I had dd1 was not to expect any free babysitting - well I didn't as we lived miles away but my parents idea of being involved grandparents was one trip every few years to visit us and stay a few hours - we were never really invited to theirs except for the odd christmas and only then if we weren't expecting to stay over. We were even banned from their lives for 2 years after once going to visit to drop off presents for dad's birthday and then asking if we could pop out shopping for a couple of hours - hubby actually suggested that since we got no free time to ourselves perhaps we should sneak off for a meal as well but I said no - when we got back I found out that dd1 then aged 6, had been naughty by running around and wouldn't stop when told so had been smacked. I didn't say anything against this form of punishment but after 2 days of silence my parents rang to say that because she had been so naughty they never wanted to see her again. After 2 years they changed their minds but still didn't really want to socialise with us - we had one more christmas with them and finally dd3 was invited to go and stay for a week 2 years ago which she loved.

Hubby's parents aren't much better - they want to "see" the children but don't want to take them out for days or entertain them - they just expect the kids to sit and listen to adult conversations (which mostly are about who has died lately in the village and all their health problems).

I have got upset in the past as I had hoped my parents would take more of an interest in their grandchildrens' lives but even when they telephone, they don't ask about what the kids have been up to - if invited to visit they make their excuses and if we ask to visit them, again excuses are made until finally they give in but of course it's a long journey (4 hours each way). People say to me that it's their loss but it's also the loss of my children who haven't been able to form the bonds with their grandparents on either side that I had with my own grandparents. Then to read articles about how lonely so many elderly people are and to know that actually, sometimes it's their own fault and not the fault of their children/grandchildren - well it just makes me seeth with frustration.

So to all those grandparents out there - if you're not seeing as much of your grandchildren as you would like - call them and invite them to stay during the next school hols - us parents will be grateful and the grandkids will probably love it - but don't think it's all because they don't want to see you - you HAVE to want to see them too and that will mean getting to know their likes and dislikes and being prepared that they may be naughty if they're small or bored if they're teenagers unless you have sky tv or a computer - but at least they will still be spending time with you and please STOP CALLING IT FREE CHILDCARE!!!! It's family - you can't put a financial figure on it - you do it out of love.

You are obviously very upset about the lack of interest and time your parents and inlaws show your DC, and I dont blame you for feeling that way.

It is however true to say there are many lovely grandparents out there who want to spend time with their beloved GC and are unable to are just not allowed, and its these people age concern are talking aboput. Not parents like yours.

When I read some of the threads on Mumsnet about what terrible acts grandparents have done in regard to their GC, these include, giving sweets, letting them stay up late and many other "grandparenty" things I do wonder how some of the grandparents stay sane.

If you think your children are missing out have you considered "adopt a granny"? One of my friends whose parents are dead has done this and the benefits for everyone are brilliant.

I can understand the OPs opinion here. Of course there are lots of old people who are neglected by their families, with children and grandchildren who could give a day or half a day every fortnight but don't because they are 'busy' with something that doesn't really matter.

However, there are also lots of old people who never gave their children or grandchildren time when they were fit enough to do so. Then when they are no longer fit and healthy expect their children/grandchildren to do their duty and give their time and effort.

You reap as you sow.

Oh yes this is a favourite of MILs. Never apparently saw enough of DSSs as their mother wouldn't let her, yet she was never and is still not interested in taking up our offers of taking them put while they're at ours. And proof was in the pudding when we had DS and do no "access restrictions". She'd just liked to complain about the difficulties in seeing her grandchildren, yet when afforded the opportunity, is disinterested.

She is fine with "seeing" them, literally, across a dinner table while discussing boring adult topics. She clearly thinks she is earth grandmother though, in her own mind.

And no doubt she will expect them to want to see plenty of her as she gets older .

I always loved seeing my grandmother, but that's because I had a strong bond with her, built of over many years of lots of quality time and attention

My mum makes little effort with my DCs. If I call her tomorrow she will say "well hopefully I'll see you at Easter," I'll say "Well it's half term in a couple of weeks, perhaps we can come over," and she'll hum and ha and say "well hopefully I'll see you at Easter."

She didn't come to either Christening (and yes she IS religious and she had no issues with the church or anything). The first time she "had a cold" (yeah well so did all the rest of us) and the second I think she just "couldn't cope" with the journey.

When we do see her she makes a big thing of how EXHAUSTED she will be for days, and also makes a big "ah ha ha ha" show of turning her hearing aid off as if the DCs are so noisy.

She has 5 or 6 cats and says "oh having them is just like when you three girls were little." And we are expected to listen agog as she tells us about their every antic. I think "Hello? You have six real HUMAN grandchildren from your 'three girls' you could take an interest in..."

In a few years time the chance to get to know them will be gone. She actually laments that she hardly knows my sisters DCs (they do live overseas so getting to know them would have meant going over there a bit, she is loaded but "can't cope" with the flight) but she hasn't tried and they are teenagers now and it's too late really.

I often think you would have to beat me off with a shitty stick to stop me fussing over my grandchildren. I honestly don't really understand why my Mum has been like this. We all feel loved by her, it's just the lack of interest...

YANBU OP. I find it annoying when its in the paper about possibly GPs being able to take parents to court for access etc. Actually, you aren't the parents, you don't have the right to do that. If they did it, then why not aunts, uncles and anyone else in the family.

I also don't know why it is called free childcare so much, isn't it GPs wanting to spend time with their grandchildren, enjoy and spoil them a little bit? It used to drive me mad that my nan only feeds mine chocolate and crap but I have relaxed a learnt that she likes doing it and it isn't harming them. When DS sleeps there he loves the fact that he 'stays up late', maybe to 7.30 or 8 but to him its brilliant.

I am amazingly close to my nan, she brought me up. We have a great bond and she in turn has a great bond with my children, because she actually enjoys spending time with them and engaging with them. MIL on the other hand is described in the OP, sees them once every so often but expects them to sit quietly and play whilst she blithers on about her divorce and 'poor her'. She doesn't actually take an interest in her DGC and sometimes when she phones DH with another non problem, she doesn't even bother to ask how they are. I have a feeling that it grates on her that my children spend a lot of time with my nan however, but thats because my nan wants to.

Your parents clearly don't care and they will learn one day that your children probably don't care so much about them because of it.

When MIL is visiting her family overseas, she sometimes asks DH for some photos of her DGCs do that she can "show them off" to her family and play the part of doting GM. She doesn't see the irony that a doting GM would have photos of her own of the DGCs from actually spending time with them

Took my youngest grandson out yesterday, fed ducks splashed about in wellies came home had soup in a mug to warm up. Love time with dgc and cant think of more fun than spending a day with them. So sorry your parents are the way they are op, they dont know what they are missing.

I can't decide whether yabu or not.

I agree that actually, alot of older people are lonely because they have excluded peopl. My grandfather complains I don't visit.

I don't visit because he is an alcoholic and can be violent when drunk. He beat my nana and broke her leg and I will not risk being in that situation. Several of my cousins feel the same. Its his fault people don't visit.

However a grandparent does not only have to be involved by taking the children off your hands which you last paragraph implies. IMO they have brought their kids up and should not feel obliged to baby sit yours. They are not a parent so yes its childcare. A grand parent can visit when the children and parents are there and be very involved. My Pils are. My kids adore them, but they have never stayed over.

My parents are more involved but again, that's through choice not some obligation that has been made up. They don't have them alot or for days on end.

I am sorry you don't get much time on your own. However that's the nature of having kids. That is what you signed up for.

Yanbu, my mil doesn't seem to really care about her gc, she never rings as she feels we should call her.
I'd love to not ring her and see how long it takes for her to check we're ok.

In 7 years she has visited twice. I know it takes along time, but she moved to the middle of nowhere, it takes us a long time to get there too, and just because I drive why should I do all the running

Mil is 55 in good health, in 10/15 years she might not be able to make the journey, so she should make the effort while age can. Or just tell us you don't care and be done with us

Agree with nefertarii
I agree that on some level yanbu, my parents did(and still do infact!) an amazing job and they can't get enough of their Grandchildren. There is no way that I will allow them to be lonely or isolated as they get older it really is the least I can do.
However I'm also a bit about the assumption that all grandparents should be obligated to help out and look after their Grandchildren. They have had their share of bringing up children, it is not a given that they should bring up yours also. I have unfortunately seen too many occasions where elderly Grandparents are left running around looking after toddlers because Mum and Dad don't want to fork out for childcare. Great if they're happy to do it but it really shouldn't be expected.

I'm so sorry your own parents aren't interested. That must be very hurtful.

Doesn't Age Concern run an adopt a granny scheme? Then you and DC could experience some lovely elderly people, and they would have some company too.

I haven't read the Age Concern report and will go and do so in a minute. But, I think YABabitU as you are damning a report based many people due to your own family situation.

If you had posted "AIBU to think my parents can wallow in their loneliness when old-age hits due to their lack of care as parents and grandparents", then I would wholeheartedly say YANBU.

My MiL likes to tell anyone who'll listen that we deprive her of seeing her grandchildren.

What she doesn't tell these people is that she never makes any effort herself, never rings us, never visits us and has never shown any interest in our kids. We moved away 10 years ago and in that time we've done all the running. Just before Christmas she came to visit us for the first time and spent 2 hours in our company. When we arrange to visit her it's all on her terms, she never rings for a chat to see how the kids are. I send photos of significant events but she never acknowledges them. She's never so much as sent then a postcard or buy them a bag of sweets

We go back and visit as often as we can, ring her regularly and try to include her as much as possible but it's never enough and she wont make any effort herself so we are 'depriving' her of her grandchildren.

She wants people to think she's an amazing hands on granny, but she's not. I honestly think she's really not interested in them. Which is fine, entirely her prerogative, but I'm fed up with being cast as the baddie in her soap opera.

It's her fault she doesn't see them/hear from them as much as she claims she wants to

That's just it, it's the hypocrisy I can't stand. If she'd just stop pretending she wants to see them and drop the doting GM routine, fine. I can't stand hypocrites.

I think my mum loves the idea of grandchildren, not the reality ...still she solved that problem by buggering off to live in France...still she phones to say how much she misses them actions not words ...

I can understand why you feel the way you do Op...but not all Grandparents are like your parents. Mine certainly never were and still aren't.

Your view on a rather large demographic is being coloured by your negative experience. Hardly fair.

YANBU. My parents took very little interest in me growing up, and my mother loved saying "Don't expect me to babysit when you have children!" Since DS arrived she's changed her tune but IMO you can't spend your life pretty much doing the bare minimum and then expect to reap the rewards of a loving parent. I see her twice a year (she lives in Ireland) and that's plenty. Once DS is older I doubt we'll even see her that much. As for my father he can go fuck himself. He was invited at Easter and Christmas, is in perfect health, but decided not to come. If he's not bothered about seeing me or his grandchild then fair enough he's made his choice but if and when he can no longer visit us he can be damn well sure I won't be visiting him. He can rot in a care home.

DH's parents on the other hand, even though they get on my nerves, will always be taken care of.

The relationship has to go both ways - a parent can't treat their children like shit or just ignore them and then expect to be looked after in their old age. Truly loving involved parents won't be neglected.

That's the thing, all those saying the GPs have a right to their own lives etc., no duty to spend time with the GC - youre right of course. But equally, when said GPs are rotting and bored in a old people's home with no visitors, their ignored GCs have no duty to visit them. You reap what you sow in life

YANBU at all.
My dh's parents stopped all contact with their dc six years ago. It was entirely their decision, there was no argument, they just stopped calling and haven't sent so much as a card since. My dh tried to contact them but they ignored him. I know they will be telling their friends that we are depriving them of the grandchildren.

My father married a woman who would rather the rest of his family did not exist, so the dc have very little contact with him. Again, entirely his choice.

It is very sad. My sadness is nothing to do with 'expecting free childcare', agree with you OP, 'childcare' is a stupid way to look at this. I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents and I'm sure they never once thought 'we have done our bit, now it is your turn', 'your children, your responsibility', 'this is my time' or any of that crap. Nor will I ever think like that as a gp myself - I wish we had just one like you aderynlas.

I think its one of those times when you have to remember that people very rarely say stuff like

"Well I don't see much of my family because actually I'm a complete cunt"

YANBU!

I don't have DCs myself but I do have 3 lovely DSCs (8, 4, 3) who spend every other week with us. I was initially somewhat to see how little DP's parents see of his DCs (FIL lives a 5-min drive away, MIL 15 min). I wondered if it was something to do with me but DP said it had always been like that (despite DP having a good relationship with his parents). Whenever FIL/MIL did see my DSCs they'd make comments about how difficult and unruly they are...but they're not! Or no more than other children. So I set about inviting one or the other to have Sunday lunch with us so they could get to know their GCs better, in the hope that they'd want to spend more time with them - but they'd just come, sit, eat, talk about adult things and then leave, no interaction with my DSCs at all. I've given up inviting them because I'm tired of not getting anything back - I don't want anything for myself, you don't need to invite us all round for lunch...just read your grandson a story, for example, or let your granddaughter read you one.

My own parents have taken to being step-grandparents like ducks to water and my DSCs love seeing them - but we don't live in the same country so it doesn't happen often. From what I understand my DSCs do seem to have a closer relationship with their mum's mum so at least there's that - but on our side I just feel so sad for them that they're missing out on grandparents. And angry with my PILs that they don't want to be involved in their grandchildren's lives. I know it's not my problem but I think it's such a shame.

My late Mum, and the last of the grandparents, practically brought up my niece, to allow my sister to go to college. Dsis was a single parent,
She loved my ds to bits too.
I split up with my ex when ds was 10, I encouraged contact with my PIls, it was one of the constants he had in his life.
I'm not a great fan of the ex ILs but I know they love him, he talks to them on the phone all the time, I've no idea what they say as it's none of my business.
He's 17 now, and I love the fact that he's still got grandparents that adore him.

I really do understand where you are coming from OP.

My own mum has little interest in my DC. She has helped my DSis with hers, all now grown up but rarely helped with mine.

I asked her last year if she would come and help me with mine. It would mean stayign here for a few days and having responsibility for them for around 5 hours while I slept after night shifts. She said no, she has to look after my sisters dog, so she can't.

I then asked if she would have them at hers, she just laughed!!

I said to my oldest DD, age 17, that I might put a tail on them both and teach them to bark and she might be interested then!!

I would like to see my grandchild more often not just when his parents need me to babysit. They live five minutes away. I have always been careful not to intrude on their life as I know that with both working full-time their time with their son is precious but lately I have been wondering if they think I am not very interested and maybe I should be more intrusive. I like my DIL very much and enjoy the rare times we spend together. What would you advise me to do?