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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a pathetic excuse for not coming out for my birthday?

40 replies

loveheartlost · 30/01/2013 03:13

Text friends to come out for my birthday on the 16th, just for a few drinks nothing crazy. A few couldn't make it - fair enough. One I assumed couldn't make it because she was working.

It turns out that she is not working but is instead staying at her sisters house because her sister hates being in the house by herself.

They live about 10 minutes from each and see each other a lot anyway, the sister is engaged and lives with her partner (he is having a boys night on the 16th) and she also has two daughters who lives with her. The sister is also 32 and does not have any SN or anxiety etc. She just generally doesn't like being in the house by herself (even though the children would be there)

I don't like staying in my house by myself, but I am a grown adult and if it comes down to it then it's not an issue.

aibu to think this is a rather pathetic excuse??

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 30/01/2013 03:23

I think there are two parts to this.

YANBU to think it is a bit pathetic to be scared of being alone. I do to and we are all entitled to our own opinions but I do hope you didn't share your thoughts.

YABU to be annoyed that she isn't coming out, after all she does have prior arrangements that she has committed to.

anonymosity · 30/01/2013 03:24

I don't know - it just shows her priorities are with keeping her sister happy over keeping you happy. Its understandable as they're family. At least she was honest with you. Like you say, you're a grown adult - its not so much about birthdays and such when you're all grown up, is it?

Megatron · 30/01/2013 04:22

Well if she'd already made arrangements with her sister, for whatever reason, it wouldn't be very nice to dump her for another offer really. Maybe there are other reasons for her sister feeling the way she does that you dont know about. I can't be fussed about birthdays either to be honest.

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 30/01/2013 04:23

Yabu to think she has some kind of moral obligation to do what you want on your birthday. Even if it was a crap excuse, she doesn't need a bloody excuse, some people don't like going out, some people would prefer an evening in with their sister, especially as it had been arranged before the party. Tbh, even if she wanted to go, it would be a bit mean to drop her sister like a stone because she had got a better offer. I think you are being a bit nasty and self centred about the whole thing really.

YABU.

ENormaSnob · 30/01/2013 04:55

Is it a big important birthday?

If not, yabu.

Icelollycraving · 30/01/2013 05:04

It is important to your friend to stick to the plans already made. Yanbu to miss her company but Yabu to think less of someone because they don't like being alone.

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2013 05:14

As someone who hates staying on her own at night, no it isn't a pathetic excuse. You have no idea why her sister doesn't like being alone at night & you are acting a bit selfish to expect her to get out of a commitment she had planned before you sent out the invites.

Jalopeno · 30/01/2013 05:25

Sorry YABU. She has a prior commitment. Many people have a fear of being on their own at night and like any fear/phobia it cannot be helped.

What I cannot understand is grown adults insisting on others celebrating their birthdays unless it is an important one.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 30/01/2013 05:32

In the words of Mumsnet "No is a complete sentence", so really she didn't need to give you any reason for not coming out.

YABU

chrome100 · 30/01/2013 05:44

Her sister is being ridiculous, she's a grown woman Ffs. I've lived alone, no man or DCs for ages and you just get on with it.

That said, your friend has made a commitment to her sister and should honour it, regardless of how stupid it is.

ApocalypseThen · 30/01/2013 07:12

I'd definitely stop talking to her forever. How dare she have an excuse to miss the event of your whole year with an excuse you deem inadequate?

In future, I think you probably need to print your Adequate Birthday Missing Excuse spreadsheet out to send with the invitation, plus the acceptable types of supporting evidence. I suggest a hospital note as your most lax standard.

Pozzled · 30/01/2013 07:19

YABU. She has a prior commitment, it would be rude and unkind to the sister to cancel just because something else came up. Your friend has absolutely no obligation to attend your birthday drinks.

As for her sister, how do you know she has no anxiety or other issues that explain why she doesn't want to be alone? It's often not the kind of thing that people advertise.

MackerelOfFact · 30/01/2013 07:23

Entirely up to her if she decides to come or not - it's not for you to adjudicate and decide if her reason is worthy! Presumably she probably thinks the same about you - you're a grown woman and can go for a drink with one fewer friend without incident.

TBH I don't understand making a fuss about birthdays after the age of about 21, unless it's a milestone birthday. Your birthday isn't actually a big deal to anyone else.

CabbageLeaves · 30/01/2013 07:23

How old are you?

7?

TeddingtonsMarchingBand · 30/01/2013 08:14

Could you say her sister is welcome to come too?

CloudsAndTrees · 30/01/2013 08:24

It doesn't matter whether you think your friends reason, not excuse, is valid or not. The fact is, she already has plans for that night. What the plans are is irrelevant.

It's understandable that you are disappointed of course, but it's not really up to you to decide whether her previously arrange plans are worthy of cancelling or not. Some people don't like to cancel arrangements when they have been made unless its for an emergency or illness. I tend to like people like that because they are generally more reliable.

Unfortunatlyanxious · 30/01/2013 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 30/01/2013 09:16

chrome100 you have NO idea what people have gone through to make them fear/not like living/staying/sleeping alone. It isn't like you wake up one day & decide it isn't what you want! In many cases (as in mine) an event has made it come about.

Just because you can do it, it doesn't follow that others will find it so easy!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/01/2013 09:19

YABU - she has made a prior arrangement. I imagine her sister would be well pissed off is she cancels now just because she has been invited out on the lash.

Her sister may be an anxious person, she may have issues you have no idea about or she may just be a nervy person. Nothing to do with anyone really, try and have a bit of empathy. Just because you are confident on your own doesn't mean everyone else is and it is a bit mean to label her pathetic.

PureQuintessence · 30/01/2013 09:23

If you really were an adult, you would not be so immature over a birthday.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 30/01/2013 09:29

I used to be terrified of being alone at night, after someone broke it one night. It took me years to get over that. Some nights I wouldn't go to sleep until daylight had broken, as I was so afraid of someone breaking in again. How do you know whats behind this womans fears? Why is your birthday so much more important?

LittleChimneyDroppings · 30/01/2013 09:30

*in, not it.

13Iggis · 30/01/2013 09:37

Ah now regarding all this "grown-ups don't do birthdays" etc. What really matters is what you and your friend do - when it's her birthday, do you all go out to a place of her choosing, every year? If so then you might have expected her to keep the night free etc.
It is a bit joyless to say you can't celebrate birthdays when you're an adult. Not be too precious, yes, but just to write them off? I also think it gives a funny message to children that it is only their birthdays that are worth celebrating.

PureQuintessence · 30/01/2013 09:39

Oh adults do celebrate birthdays. If I want to celebrate my birthday I find out when people are free well in advance and we make arrangements, I dont send a text expecting everybody to rally and be available at my beck and call.

FelicityWasCold · 30/01/2013 09:42

Yabu she has plans and she's sticking to them.

Maybe she doesn't want to ditch her sister for you shrug. I wouldn't either.

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