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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL doing my head in again!

28 replies

Nicole2781 · 30/01/2013 01:56

I'm getting married in 3 days, MIL is paying for our photographer as a gift to us which we really appreciate.
Photographer emails me the planned shot list today and all is great just what I had asked for until I see the 'additional family photos' part which has MIL and all her side of the family and her friends and no mention of my name or my side of the family.
I'm not asking for my picture to be taken with them but there's everyone on dp's side apart from me on it and seeing as its our wedding I thought stupidly she might include me in her family!
Also, why did she not ask me to put the shots she would like in an email to send myself or even ask if she could have a fucking family photoshoot at my wedding.

Just because she paid for the photographer does it mean she has the right to do that without asking myself or dp first?

I wouldn't have minded anyway if she had asked first or at least mentioned it but no she always does things for herself. Just like she has paid for our honeymoon (a short break) for our wedding present which is lovely although I feel uncomfortable with her always trying to pay for things (dp persuaded me to accept her paying) and she said the other week that the only reason she paid for it was so she would be able to have our DS while we were away!

Am I being a bit pathetic?

OP posts:

ineedtochange · 30/01/2013 02:01

I don't think YABU. She is paying as a gift and it's still your wedding. That's like giving someone a gift and just borrowing it constantly without asking, in my opinion. Since its done and you don't mind I wouldn't put it to her as a big issue but a little "I got an email from the photographer with my shot list and hasn't realised you wanted family photographs. I would have asked myself if I'd have known" wouldn't go amiss.

The DS thing I'd see as a bit cheeky but I guess she loves her DGS and you're getting a honeymoon

Have a lovely wedding & congratulations!

deleted203 · 30/01/2013 02:03

I think if I were you I would have the wedding photos taken and then you and DH bugger off to the reception with all the other guests! If MIL and all her side of the family and friends want to stay behind at church/registry office having 'additional' photos taken that is up to them, really, if she wants to pay for it.

(I would just smile sweetly and insist that DH is coming with you to greet guests at reception venue rather than leave him behind with 'his' family).

TryDrawing · 30/01/2013 02:11

The way I see it, you have 3 viable options:
Say something (risks you being accused of "making a fuss")
Say nothing and fume silently (not a good look for a bride)
Pretend to misunderstand. Reply to the e-mail and say something like "So glad you sent this over! With all the pre-wedding excitement, I nearly forgot to put the list of photos for my side of the family together. What a nightmare that would have been, trying to sort it out on the day - chaos!!! Here is my list...."

My MIL would do something like this. We've been together 10 years and I still haven't worked out if she's properly barking and secretly doesn't like me or if shes just incredibly thoughtless.

Have a lovely wedding :-)

TryDrawing · 30/01/2013 02:15

On second thoughts, make that "So glad you sent this over! With all the pre-wedding excitement, we nearly forgot to put the list of photos for my side of the family together. What a nightmare that would have been, trying to sort it out on the day - chaos!!! Here is the list that [fiancé's name] and I have put together ...."

mawi · 30/01/2013 02:23

My MIL is the same. She is a head fuck wreck and will constantly pay for things as presents because she is such a control freak so nice. She hates when any member of the family do something and have the cheek not to do not include her in every aspect of the preparations, like getting married, having children, having children christened, having birthday parties for our children because we are so selfish and do not realise what she wants is more important that what anyone else wants. DH and I learnt very quickly to not let her pay for things so therefore not being able to have control.

With only 3 days to your wedding there is no point having an argument with her now but do send the email back with all your family members names on it for family photos. If she kicks up a fuss then it is not your fault but hers and your DF will see what kind of woman his M is and if she does not kick up a fuss your family will have some lovely free family photos.

Congratulations and have a lovely day.

DexysMidnightMummers · 30/01/2013 02:23

This is traditional .....a set of photo's with the groom and his parents and friends

however the photographer should also be instructed to take photo's of you with your family and friends without the groom IYSMIM?

I would get the phone number of the photographer and explain to him this is your wedding gift so would like some input.

If you don't you'll have a gizzillion photos of MIL and her son and 'shots' of you two running over grass and kicking your heels!

It's your present ..take control of it

Chottie · 30/01/2013 02:29

Learn from this - leopard and spots :)

anonymosity · 30/01/2013 03:31

My heartfelt advice is this - LET IT GO
It doesn't matter really. You'll get your photos as a gift and leave it at that.

My MIL has a photo from our wedding in her study. Its a photo of my husband and I am cut out of the frame. Completely. (and WE paid for these photos!)

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2013 04:19

It could be worse. DFIL offered to take pictures of our wedding. Very sweet and he likes it and is good at it. Except there were about two of DH and I and about 400 of his DGC of my SIL's. Good job I have a sense of humour and had a back up in my cousin.

TheSkiingGardener · 30/01/2013 04:41

Ok, so you've learnt from this that she pays for things when she wants o control some aspect of it. Either tell her you are miffed and risk having her make your wedding day about her having a strop, or just let it go, have some photos of your family too and treat it as a warning for the future.

BambieO · 30/01/2013 04:47

Personally I would email back and say 'we don't require these additional pictures please can we scap them' but I can be a bitch when unexpected things crop up I'm not keen on

If DH or MIL asked I would smile sweetly and say 'oh I assumed it must be a mistake as I wasn't mentioned in any of the pictures but there was no similar arrangement for my family'

Kaida · 30/01/2013 05:22

It's traditional to have some of just the groom and his side, and some of just the bride and her side. Did MIL perhaps assume you'd be having these done but not know all the names and configurations you want for your side?

Arithmeticulous · 30/01/2013 05:47

Is MIL paying for photos to be printed?

EugenesAxe · 30/01/2013 05:56

Gah! I can't understand 'blood is thicker than water' people at all. I generally like sowornout's idea, or that you add your side of the family in too. We had one of all my DM's side of the family (DDad didn't really have any left ), but my DH was in them!

I think limiting them to about 2-3 shots would be reasonable; you don't want to be there all day.

I must have some kind of Jedi power or just be really intimidating as I arranged everything for our wedding and we got generic contributions from both lovely sets of parents. DH's first wedding was apparently a real bun fight between the MILs...

CSIJanner · 30/01/2013 06:17

Could you check and see if these are supposed to be pictures before you arrive? Like groom greets mother at church type no? We got loads of groom and family but also groom and my family before the wedding.

You could email the photographer and say the additional family shots are fine for pre wedding but only the set list after. Not to be passive aggressive but there is the small matter of the wedding breakfast timings to be considered!!

ApocalypseThen · 30/01/2013 06:32

She might just want some pictures of her family all dressed up and be getting them done on the same day since she's hot a photographer hired anyway. It might not be part if your wedding set at all, nor a tremendous insult specifically designed to ruin your day.

Iactuallydothinkso · 30/01/2013 06:38

I totally get you OP.

My mil hijacked the photographer dh and I paid for and had a lot of shots of her side of the family taken. They also very kindly said they'd do the video.

I'm not even on it!

plummyjam · 30/01/2013 06:53

AIBU to not really see the problem? You'll get the shots you want. Sounds like as she's paying she's asked for a few extra photos of her family - sometimes weddings are the only time families get together to allow for those sort of group photos to happen. I would just email the photographer and ask that he makes sure your shots get taken first before the extras she's asked for. Having photos taken was the most tedious part of our wedding as I remember. Also ours was in a marquee and it pissed it down solidly all day so we didn't end up getting any of the group shots we wanted as we couldn't herd everyone together for them. Still didn't stop us having a good time! Use the time the photographer is with MILs side as an opportunity to go get yourself a glass or two of champagne and enjoy spending some time with your other guests.

Iheartcrunchiebars · 30/01/2013 07:03

I'd say let her do what she wants. When your husband's having to stand for an extra half hour having his photos taken you can go and enjoy the reception with people who love you to bits and make you feel loved. Or if everyone is watching the photos being taken you could be really cheeky and get someone to announce that drinks are being served/canapés inside and could everyone go inside making the point that you are being excluded!

ApocalypseThen · 30/01/2013 07:07

Or you could just let it go without making passive aggressive stabs at anyone. I don't understand why every perceived insult has to have some massive response.

TotallyBS · 30/01/2013 07:29

You have given the photographer a list of shots that you want but you are pissed off that MIL has a given an extra list without asking you.

a) I can understand you being pissed off if you was paying for the photographer and some other family member seconded his services but the woman is paying for it!

b) it's not unusual to have bridegroom side only photos.

c) what others have said about being passive aggresive. Either say something or keep quite. Its very childish to make veiled comments.

IceNoSlice · 30/01/2013 07:29

The part of this that would hurt me would be the exclusion of me (ie the bride) from my new DH's 'family' photos. Surely part of the point of a wedding celebration is to symbolically welcome the bride into the groom's family and vice versa?

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 30/01/2013 07:31

I'm with Apocalypse - I don't see an insult to you or an issue at all. There are going to be photos of everyone, she just wants some of her family all dressed up while the opportunity it there. We had the same thing at our wedding and had pics of both individual family groups AND our new combined family. In fact I suggested it to my MIL.

I'd really try to relax and let this go - but I do know how stressed out I was this close to my wedding. Have lovely day!

Panzee · 30/01/2013 07:37

Can't you just email or call the photographer if you want additional shots of your family? I assume that's why he's emailed you the list, to check its right. No need to involve MIL, just add yours.

TotallyBS · 30/01/2013 09:14

OP - in your original shots list did you have one with bride, groom and groom's family?

If you did and MIL has seen this list then is it a big deal that she does an extra set san bride? I find this unusual but others have said that it isn't unusual. So it's hardly a case of the MIL dissing you.

If you didn't put down this shot in your list then why are you so pissed that your MIL wanted to correct the ommision? If this is the case then maybe your MIL is paying you back ie you don't want a picture with just her side so she is going to make a point of not having you in her shot.

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