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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what SAHM,s with kids at school do with their days?

453 replies

totallyfrazzled · 29/01/2013 22:53

I am mainly a SAHM but both my children are now school age. I do work PT, but as I work freelance my work days are erratics so I often find myself being a SAHM for a full week. Despite the fact that I do work, albeit slightly randomly, I find that I cannot give myself credit for the multiple tasks that I perform in anyone day at home....getting the DC's dressed and ready for school, driving them to school, clearing up the breakfast chaos, making the beds, doing the shopping, blah blah blah, preparing the evening meal, collecting the DC's, getting thru the homework, etc etc etc. i seem to be able to fill a whole day with domestic drudgery and still I am treading water, i.e. I am keeping everything at a status quo rather than actually achieving anything. I feel duty bound to keep on with domestic duties whilst not actually in renumerative employ. I feel guilty doing otherwise.Wondering if any one anyone else is in the same boat?

OP posts:
boodles · 30/01/2013 21:29

I was a sahm for years. I used to exercise and deal with the drudge of housework whilst slowly slipping into deeper depression. I now work p/t, drop kids at school, go to work, finish work, pick kids up. Although I have never been busier the improvement in my mental health is worth it, for me. I also get the best of both worlds, the children still get my time and I am their main carer and I get to work.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 30/01/2013 21:35

I go for walks or play sports nearly every day. Today I went for two walks each about 5 miles long.

I have a cleaner who irons, cleans and does the laundry. She comes in several times a week. I still do some cleaning/organising

I volunteer for half a day a week, sometimes it is a day a week.

I do lots of DIY, woodwork, car maintanence and gardening. I love gardening.

I go for coffees with pals two, three or even more times a week. Often after exercise.

I go to the supermarket. I tend to buy little and often.

I do paperwork.

I cook and bake nice food.

I MN and play candy crush but don't tell anyone Blush

I read

I go to London, other random cities, stately homes, gardens etc etc with pals

I phone my Mum

I haven't enough hours in the day. Grin

FreudiansSlipper · 30/01/2013 21:36

not for me no

by the time ds was 2 I was bored being at home I need more structure in my life it is just not for everyone. I started studying and working part time ds was then at nursery so sometimes I would still have a few days at home I just get very lazy I would start to nap in the day and feel tired by 9

I am not disciplined enough to make good use of the time I get lazy. From next week I have full on training followed by new work placement (part of my studies) and still studying and feel happy that I shall be very busy

ohforfoxsake · 30/01/2013 21:39

I think the mental health issue is massive. My brain has slowed right down and I do get upset about it occasionally.

Today I went to the movies - its a lovely, decadent thing to do. But what I really want to do is go into an office and file something.

Spookey80 · 30/01/2013 21:41

Interesting thread. Lovely to be there to care for your children,, but for me I wouldn't want my dcs to grow thinking that all my mum does I'd clean, cook and wait on me. I feel it's important to be a sting role model.

Spookey80 · 30/01/2013 21:42

*strong

Spookey80 · 30/01/2013 21:43

I didn't even really mean strong, because that is a different thing, but I couldn't think of the right thing to put!

fromparistoberlin · 30/01/2013 21:44

I really love the way some sahms are so blissful. my dp is a sahd , so i hope he can be as happy as you lot!

I work FT, but in general enjoy it

horses for courses

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 30/01/2013 21:46

You can be a SAHM and a strong role model. Hmm. I am and my teen/young adult DC's think I am.

badtasteflump · 30/01/2013 21:48

Was a sahm for a while when the dc were little but now work pt and enjoy the adult conversation and the satisfaction i get from my job (and the money obviously). Ive always thought if we were loaded i would love to be a wafty lady of leisure - but only if we were so rich that neither dh or i had to work and we could opt out of the rat race completely and spend months on end seeing the world. Not holding my breath for that one!

BaconAndAvocado · 30/01/2013 21:52

This thread really strikes a chord with me.

My youngest started school last September and I work 2 days a week. The other 3 days I spend doing housework, shopping (food shop and nice shop) meet friends for coffee but the overriding feeling I've had recently is that of being bereft.

Hard though it was, I really miss having my toddlers around. Sad

I plan to go into DCs classes to help, which means I'll get to see them and have a nose!

badtasteflump · 30/01/2013 21:56

I want to go 'nice' shopping! What is that? Does it involve cake or shoes?

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 30/01/2013 22:00

I imagine nice shopping involves both cake and shoes. It probably involves John Lewis too. It doesn't involve Lidl.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/01/2013 22:00

I love being a SAHM now my children are older. I found it much more of a challenge when they were tiny. I went back to work full time for 18 months but was glad to be able to stop.

I do the housework quickly and keep it relatively clean with little effort. I sort stuff out, clean out animals, cook complicated and delicious meals in a leisurely manner, maintain a large garden, hang out with my preschooler in the afternoons, do the odd day of supply teaching at the local school and read a lot. I also move what seems like lots of wood into the house daily and meet my friends for coffee. I volunteer one morning a week.

I love it and feel incredibly lucky to be able to live my life like this.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 30/01/2013 22:01

It's ludicrous to suggest you can't be a strong role model and be a SAHM. Surely, being a strong role model is doing the best at everything you do, leading by example, having strong princies and realizing when you're wrong, to name just a few. It has nothing whatsoever to do with which member of the family vacuums the living room floor.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 30/01/2013 22:01

*PRINCIPLES!!
Not sure what planet auto correct was on there!! Grin

AngelsWithSilverWings · 30/01/2013 22:04

My free time is btw school runs so 9:35 - 2:45 and I fit the housework and cooking around the following activities:

Monday - 5k run, ironing ( I blitz it once a week)

Tues - Gym ( takes up about 1.5 hours or longer if I treat myself to some spa time)

Wed - coffee with friend/ shopping or attack a project in the house ( if weather nice, a bit of gardening )

Thurs - 5k run in morning ,volunteer work in afternoon

Fri - same as Wednesday really

I have no problem filling my time but my house is quite big and the cleaning alone would take over my life if I let it. Some days ( rarely!)I do absolutely nothing but sit with my feet up reading or watching TV and it's lovely.

Greensleeves · 30/01/2013 22:05

I loved being with my children whe they were tiny, but as they got a bit bigger it did start to grate on me that I wasn't "contributing", that I didn't have a career to go back to and didn't know whether I had a future or not. I suffer from depressio ad anxiety anyway (long-term v strong medication and I still struggle). I felt lonely and miserable and sort of humiliated, and left out when other people said "thank god it's Friday" etc

I think I had a lot of residual shame about not achieving the undefined "great future" my family and school etc expected from me

I started volunteering at preschool when ds1 was there, he was diagnosed with AS when he was 6 and I got to know the school and preschool well through having a lot of involvement with them. I hung around sweeping floors and making tea and eventually they started offering me paid cover work. By the time ds2 left there, I was more or less full-time, then a year later they finally gave me a contract, but for fewer hours. It took me a long time to pluck up courage and feel I was "good enough" but I applied for PGCE, finished it last year.

Now I'm an NQT and there are no bloody jobs where I live! So I am doing a bit of supply, but am basically back to being stuck in the house on my own all day, and am fighting a losing battle against depression and feelings of failure again. Back to not doing the housework, not doing anything else because I feel guilty about not doing the housework, not going to bed till the small hours because I have accomplished nothing all day..

SORRY self-pitying rant there Blush but vaguely linked to the OP. I think the feelings of "should be doing XXX" are the source of the trouble. I envy people who can just say "fuck it, I'll go and sit in a cafe with a book then".

i

happybubblebrain · 30/01/2013 22:09

I would love to be a SAHM with kid's at school. Heaven.
I'd spend about 15 minutes doing housework, then put on my pjamas, bake some biscuits, watch the Wright Stuff, This Morning, The Real Housewives, go to the cinema, go to the gym (maybe), make some crafts, bake a pie, grow herbs, paint my nails, plan holidays, phone people, Pinterest for hours on end, photograph everything, sort out my sock drawer. What a wonderful life.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/01/2013 22:10

sorry you are having a shit time Greensleeves. The job market is a nightmare at the moment for teachers around here too.

whatyoulookinat · 30/01/2013 22:10

Go to the gym 4 mornings a week, see friends, Shop & cook.

FanFuckingTastic · 30/01/2013 22:12

I don't think I am weak role model for my children, but then perhaps I am deluding myself.

I've learned my lesson about biting off more than I can chew and would prefer to err on the side of laziness.

I have smaller expectations, I am a Carer to my youngest child (in the sense that I get paid to care for her as opposed to someone else having to do it), she would be a full time job, with someone to do nights shifts as well, to anyone else but me.

Accepting that I have to sleep in the day quite often to catch up on the sleep I miss at night, and drown out my mother's accusing voice telling me I am lazy to do so, took me a little while.

Accepting that my body can't do as much as the norm took a while too. I have limited spoons and I use them carefully.

Some people thrive in busy environments, other people don't. Personally I could live like this my whole life and be happy, so long as I can read and get out and about when I want to.

I got a rabbit for company, he's enough for me most days, especially since my carer is a good person to chat to, and my friends are at my fingertips on facebook.

MiniEggsinJanuary · 30/01/2013 22:12

I clean the house obsessively, garden, walk the dog, bake, play sports, write my novel, have lunch with friends, go shopping etc. Turns out there is a lot to fill my days. And I thought I might find it boring when I was working!!

FanFuckingTastic · 30/01/2013 22:13

happybubblebrain

I do lose whole days to Pinterest.

Pagwatch · 30/01/2013 22:17

Fortunately I don't wait on my children, only clean a bit and think cooking is a marvellous life kill which I am happily teaching them. So I can be whatever role model I chose really.