To really want to tell this child off??

[curiousgeorgie]

I go to a large baby & toddler group with my DD (2) and three other friends and toddlers.

About four months ago, my DD was pushed off of the top of the slide by a girl maybe a year older. I just picked her up and consoled her and glanced around but no parent was forthcoming so I just left it.

At the same session my friends 2 year old boy was hit in the face with a train by the same girl, and my other friends daughter was pushed.

That's life obviously and children go through phases.

Except that this is a weekly group and I think my daughter has escaped being shoved, pushed over or hit maybe twice. The same for my friends children.

The third week we had worked out who her mother was and I went over and said 'Im really sorry, but your child just pushed my child over, and it's not the first time.' and she burst into tears! So obviously we left it again.

Several weeks more of this and my friend confronted her again only to be told that kids will be kids and nothing was done or said to the child.

She refuses to tell her no, doesn't watch her (playgroup is made up of three different rooms so not always easy to keep an eye on your child unless you go with them) and is making my DD scared to play.

Today all of us didn't go because it's just becoming ridiculous.

Obviously I can't actually tell this girl off, but I bloody want to!!

WWYD??

I'd be inclined to agree with the other parents to do a three-pronged approach.

Every single time it happens:

1. Tell the child firmly "No. We do not hit."
2. Approach the mother, politely but firmly, and say "Your little girl has [insert relevant thing] again. Can you please come and supervise so that it doesn't happen again."
3. Approach the organiser and inform them that it is still happening and ask for some suggestions about how it should be dealt with so that the other children don't get hurt again.

In terms of 2 and 3, I would be polite but persistent. So if the mother doesn't go and supervise, ask again, and again, and again. And if the organiser ums and ers, just stand there with a polite smile and keep saying 'I understand that. So how do you propose to make sure that the other children aren't being hurt?"

Sooner or later someone is going to have to either deal with it or make it clear that they have absolutely no intention of dealing with it. If it's the latter then you can all make a decision about whether to simply go elsewhere.

I run a toddler group and if I had a complaint like this I would be on it straight away. I've previously had to leave a toddler group as it was the daughter of the woman running it who was the terror! At my toddler group it's taken for granted that we will tell each other's children off (within reason) and it's expected that all parents will look out for behaviour. In this situation I would be telling the woman in question that she has to follow her child around for the next few sessions at least to improve her behaviour. I can't stand it when parents just let their children hurt others and do nothing about it, it's infuriating.

Since you've spoken to the organiser and the mum burst into tears, I think there may be much wider issues of which you're unaware. We had a similar situation at a local group but the mum had SN and so did the little boy. They weren't immediately apparent.
It had taken a lot of support from local service to get them to the stage where they attended groups. I'll admit it was sometimes frustrating having to police the little boy as well as your own dc but ultimately I think it was worth it to let him have the benefit of attending the group.

I would tell the child 'no'.
I would be having words with the organiser that at the end of the day it doesn't matter if this is the nearest playgroup, the mother should be encouraged to discipline her child. Without boundaries the child is going to be in trouble in school.
I would also have more words with mum, and if she cries so what. If she isn't going to deal with her daughter she is going to have to get used to people telling her what her dd is doing.

I'd tell the organiser to speak to the girl's mum. The organiser needs to tell the girl's mum that she needs to supervise her dd at all times otherwise they may need to remove her.

I'm surprised that all the mums aren't supervising their dcs all the time anyway to be honest.

I would tell the child a firm no and spend more time watching your own DC if concerned.

I have to be honest though that as a mother of 4, I only ever get involved if a child is doing something really stupid/dangerous.

On the whole most children push and hit and snatch at some stage, life is too short to get worked up p about it so it doesn't bother me.

this is why all my friends have at least two, preferably 3+ kids

YANBU to want to tell the child off. I think you should tell her off as her mother won't. Not in a nasty shouty way, but in a calm but no-nonsense way. Like a good teacher would.

Journey - at the toddler group I went to, the child's mother, father and grandmother were all there when I finally snapped after the child pushed my DS over and they did fuck all about it. They just stood there and looked. I saw red and gave them both barrels - the father at least had the decency to look ashamed. You would be surprised at how oblivious some parents can be to their children's behaviour. The mother rang me later bleating about how she was doing her best. I'm afraid I wasn't sympathetic. In my book sitting there chatting while your child terrorises other children is not "doing your best" - it's just lazy and irresponsible.

Sorry but even if the child has sn, this is still no excuse to be able to do as they want. A sn child still needs to be shown boundaries, ok it can take longer to get the message across, but it should not be ignored. If I let my ds get away with everything, he would be unmanageable, same with the pupils that I work with who have sn.

Ihearsounds, I completely agree that a sn child needs to be shown boundaries too. However, in our group, because the child's mum also had sn, we all realised that we had to help set those boundaries, and we did. It meant supervising our dcs closely and telling the other child when his behaviour wasn't appropriate.

I would speak up too. Some behaviour is not acceptable.

sowornout I love your attitude :)

Chat with the organisers, organise yourselves to have a kind of rota of keeping an eye on the difficult child.

I have done those things, it's better than giving up the group completely.

I do follow my child around, I'm always at most a few steps away, sometimes chatting but always with my eye on her.

This woman just sits in the side room the entire time, it is infuriating!

I will say something next time, I've just had a bad experience when at a soft play when our babies were about six months a boy kept knocking into the soft sides of the baby area and hitting them and my friend told the boy no and when his mother came over and screamed at her it was seriously horrible!

Would and have told other children off, just a "no that's my kind don't hit".

I think we are far too precious about other peoples little darlings.

The first time was when an older boy attempted to throw a friends baby! After telling him off his mum eventually appeared and I just said what he'd done.

Get response was "its fine I can't tell him off at the moment I have a cold"

I'm sorry but i don't see a problem with telling another child off if they are being disruptive/physical. I have done it before and i would do it again. At the church playgroup i used to take DD to (before we moved house) there were a few who pushed and shoved or pulled hair or tried to steal toys. The older ones i would deal with by giving them a stern look and a firm 'No. That is not nice to hit/push/etc' followed by suggesting they play elsewhere...the younger ones i would simply say 'hey darling you wait please. It's Ari's turn and then you can have a try' (as usually the younger ones weren't capable of hurting). If you are not watching your child then i'm sorry but expect that another parent will deal with their bad behaviour.

Sara do you mean if one of your 4 feral kids hits or scratches you ignore it?

I'd tell the child off. A 'no, we don't hit, it's not nice and it hurts' is what I usually say if no parent steps in first. I don't care if it pisses the parent off if they can't be bothered to stop their child terrorising others.

Of course tell her off. If the mum would rather do it herself then she's welcome to.

Of course you can tell her off. At any group I ever went to, both the organisers and other parents would have told off a child if they were hitting or pushing other children.

When another child attacked my son (he was 2, the other child looked a good year older), I stood there shouting "Hey! Hey! Hey! WHERE'S YOUR MUMMY?" Mummy had to interrupt her chat to come and apologise and take her child away. Might be worth a go.

I wuld tell the child off especially if the parent is not willing to. Something along the lines of it's ntht nice to push we don't do that here. F se carries on I would keep telling her mother Mabey it will sink in

Good idea notin Mabey op shoud try that

I tell off other people's children all the time. I've been known to accidentally do it when the mother is sat right next to me

It's never been a problem though and I expect others to do the same to mine if they see something I don't. Takes a village and all that....

Mabey if she s hitting, say hey hey hey where's your mummy in a really load voice and keep taking her to her mum until she bloody does something. I would not feel in the slightest embarassed

I don't understand the reluctance to step in with other people's children, either, where it's warranted. I mean, I wouldn't put them on the naughty step or something, but I really really don't see what's wrong with saying firmly "No, that's not nice and has hurt DD". And if either of mine did something wrong out of my sight and someone else told them off I wouldn't object either.