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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed my Mum wouldn't help out today?

47 replies

Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:07

Can I just say I realise it is her choice and she had every right to say no, I just feel a bit disappointed as we often help her out and rarely ask anything of her.

My Mum had asked us if we would cook a roast dinner for her, BD and SIL, we cook for her every Sunday and I think she was a bit put out we weren't going to be around. We had arranged to see family we haven't seen for a very long time, we were planning on taking our dog with us but couldn't fit his new crate in the car. I called her out of desperation asking if we could leave him with at her house for 5 hours, she said no, it wasn't fair on her cats as they would have to stay upstairs and they are very old. I said, ok, would you be able to come here for a few hours to watch him, she said no, she had just remembered she had made plans..

My Dad dog sat in the end. We have never left him with anyone before but luckily he was fine.

I just feel a bit disappointed in my Mum, we do a lot for her but she only ever comes to see us & DC if we cook for her which is expensive & time consuming. AIBU?

OP posts:
nefertarii · 27/01/2013 20:13

Cooking for one extra person is time consuming and costly. Really?

i don't get what the cooking for your sil has to do with anything.

Tbh it was really short notice you asked her to dog sit, surely you checked if the crate fitted before you bought it?

Also you do realise its a dog, don't you?

Sorry to sound snippy but you come across as overly pfb about your dog.

nefertarii · 27/01/2013 20:14

Sorry and a bit ott about cooking for her.

If it puts you out, don't do it.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 27/01/2013 20:16

YABU. Cooking for one extra person takes no more time and v little more expense. You asked a favour at v short notice and it's not her fault you didn't check the crate.

Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:17

We cook a roast dinner on a Sunday, it can be quite expensive but if we don't we literally don't see her, or maybe she'll pop round once a fortnight (she lives 10 mins drive away). I like her to come on Sundays as it gives the DC an opportunity to spend time with her which they enjoy & I feel is important.

OP posts:
InNeedOfBrandy · 27/01/2013 20:18

If you have a crate isn't the whole point of it to be able to leave the dog and not come home to a trashed house?

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:18

YANBU

If she only comes to see you when there is something in it for her then it is irrelevant whether that is a meal or a mansion. I would feel that it was one sided and unfair. "you can do this for me every week, and I will get a bag on if you wont do me other favours, but I will never do you a favour"

I would stop cooking for her for a start!

Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:18

It just feels that she will never go out of her way for us, whereas we often do for her, she knew today was really important to us and I don't feel it was asking way too much.

OP posts:
pepperrabbit · 27/01/2013 20:19

Do you mean she always expects a "proper" roast which you wouldn't bother with if she weren't there?
It is quite short notice, but I can understand you feel that it's all give and no take with her so, yes you would feel disappointed.
However I would say, I would much rather be asked to look after DC than a dog. I'm a cat person, and really can't abide dogs so they make me nervous and uncomfortable. Maybe she doesn't like dogs? Sounds like you have only just got him so she won't be used to him even if she does like dogs.

Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:19

InNeedOfBrandy - Yes, but you can't leave them in there for too long

OP posts:
pepperrabbit · 27/01/2013 20:19

Sorry I type v slowly so several x posts!

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:20

Her seeing the DC is only important if they get a good relationship with her. You are effectively paying her to be a grandma with food! If she doesnt want to see them for the joy of it, is she really someone that you would want in their lives?

rubyslippers · 27/01/2013 20:21

your dad did it so you got to do what YOU wanted

and when you say "luckily he was fine" do you mean your dad or the dog?!

and like other posters how is it expensive to cook for 5 people ratehr than 4 - you're roasting a chicken or whatever anyway

Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:21

pepperrabbit - yes proper roast which we wouldn't have if just me, DH & DC. She does like our dog, but I think partly she was annoyed we put the other family before her and partly she doesn't like putting herself out.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 27/01/2013 20:22

I think YABU because you asked her at such short notice, you can't expect her
to change all her plans because you want a favour

I don't see how cooking a roast dinner for one extra person is that much more expensive, most of a roast is veg

And dogs can be left, 5 hours is fine to leave a dog for, why couldn't you leave the dog at home alone?

Snazzynewyear · 27/01/2013 20:23

problem is, I think in this instance she is reasonable - was late notice, she has cats etc. But it sounds like she generally takes more than she gives and that's why you've got the hump over one incident. Will she really not come round for any meal that isn't a roast dinner? Nothing at all?

sooperdooper · 27/01/2013 20:24

pressed post too soon!

Why couldn't you arrange see your mum a different day if you were going to be out today?

Snazzynewyear · 27/01/2013 20:25

Cooking for her every single week is a tricky one. Best to avoid that but it's done now. Do you ever go round to hers?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 27/01/2013 20:26

Well if you're doing the cooking, you should cook what you want and not feel as if you have to do a roast. Having a roast every Sunday is daft, imvho.

Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:28

She doesn't really invite us round to hers. She smokes in the house and has cats which DS is allergic to so she usually comes her if anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:31

Maybe I shouldn't feel so disappointed, I guess it's more the accumulation of things.

Today we were going to see family on my Dad's side who our DC have never met before and cousins I've only ever met once so it was quite a big deal for us and she knew that if she wouldn't help out there was a chance we wouldn't be able to go.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:32

So it was passive aggression to try and bollocks up a trip you really wanted to go on and she didnt want you to go on?

Even more reason to start putting a bit of distance in imo

InNeedOfBrandy · 27/01/2013 20:34

This is the problem when you get trapped seeing someone on the same day every week.

I used to see my nan every Thursday and I ended up really resenting giving up my every Thursday, not that I ever did anything but I felt trapped. I changed it to my nan every Thursday night and I see her randomly in the week for a coffee or weekend for a walk when I want to.

I don't have dogs but I would of thought 5 hours as long as it had been out for a walk first and had access to water would be fine as a one off.

InNeedOfBrandy · 27/01/2013 20:35

I changed it to my nan babysitting every Thursday night*

Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:39

The thing is he would need to be left in his crate, which is ok for a few hours but I just thought 5 would be too long, we've never left him for more than 2 hours before. We did leave him out of his crate once and he destroyed our sofa Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:41

Bogeyface - I don't know, she has done things like this in the past and can be quite liberal with the truth if she doesn't want to do something/go somewhere/see someone so it does make me question her sometimes

OP posts: