Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To feel disappointed my Mum wouldn't help out today?

47 replies

Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:07

Can I just say I realise it is her choice and she had every right to say no, I just feel a bit disappointed as we often help her out and rarely ask anything of her.

My Mum had asked us if we would cook a roast dinner for her, BD and SIL, we cook for her every Sunday and I think she was a bit put out we weren't going to be around. We had arranged to see family we haven't seen for a very long time, we were planning on taking our dog with us but couldn't fit his new crate in the car. I called her out of desperation asking if we could leave him with at her house for 5 hours, she said no, it wasn't fair on her cats as they would have to stay upstairs and they are very old. I said, ok, would you be able to come here for a few hours to watch him, she said no, she had just remembered she had made plans..

My Dad dog sat in the end. We have never left him with anyone before but luckily he was fine.

I just feel a bit disappointed in my Mum, we do a lot for her but she only ever comes to see us & DC if we cook for her which is expensive & time consuming. AIBU?

OP posts:

Snazzynewyear · 27/01/2013 20:43

Agree with Remus - cook what you want if she's always round at yours. If she decides she doesn't want to join you, she's the one losing out! Would she really throw a huff if she arrived and you said 'Oh, by the way, it's spag bol this week'? Have you tried this?

I am not generally of the 'you are not entitled to have ANY expectations of your parents' camp so I do think you are getting a rough deal generally here and can see why you are disappointed. I think this particula incident is a red herring as on the face of it she had good reason to refuse, yet you can guess that behind it was the wish to stop you doing something that she wasn't part of. I'm not saying don't have any expectations, but what you do know now is that for any trip of that sort, you just can't rely on her. You will always have to look elsewhere for help on those occasions.

Do she and your dad not get on very well, by any chance?

MrsDeVere · 27/01/2013 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:45

InNeedOfBrandy - (sorry this is off thread but just recognised your username, I remember being on a thread were you said it was UR to smack children, ever. I used to occasionally smack DC but reading that thread I really took it on board and have not done it since & never will)

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 27/01/2013 20:45

I would not dog-sit. Your dog, your responsibility. And how come you did not realize that the crate would not fit in the car?

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 20:46

She sounds like my MIL. She expects H to be the perfect son to her but is nothing like a mother to him. He is expected to bend over backwards and dance to her tune but to not ask for a single thing from her ever, and yet be eternally grateful to her.

She hasnt spoken to him apart from a phone call of verbal abuse, in over 3 years because he said no to her once. He has never been happier and since he had counselling, has realised how toxic and selfish she is.

PureQuintessence · 27/01/2013 20:46

" he destroyed our sofa "

And you are surprised your mum wont dogsit?

Original poster

Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:47

MrsDeVere - Yes I've just bought one on ebay! We did try but being Sunday nothing opened until later and even then I looked online and we couldn't find a stockist, the ones that did have them were too small.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:48

Snazzynewyear - Her and my Dad hate eachother

OP posts:

Original poster

Flossle · 27/01/2013 20:49

PureQuintessence - We got a new crate recently, it fits width wise but is too tall

OP posts:

InNeedOfBrandy · 27/01/2013 20:52

Oh don't hold me up as a good example I have been vile to dc all day yesterday! I got to the point where I shouted I am not shouting no more instead I'm going into your bedroom and confiscating a toy, and ended up with a huge pile not sure what's meaner after I went OTT in there.

neveronamonday · 27/01/2013 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 27/01/2013 20:57

So this may really be about your mother not wanting you to mix with your Dad's side of the family?

Have it out with her, it doesn't sound as though you have anything to lose.

Invest in a dog run with kennel, cost around £300, but they are a life saver.

ihearsounds · 27/01/2013 20:58

The bigger picture here is you need to sort out the dog. Never left for more than 2 hours Your lives revolve around the dog, in so much that as a family you can never have a nice day out together. Nor can you all go to work/school/college/uni. When did crates, and revolving lives around dogs become a thing?

Snazzynewyear · 27/01/2013 20:59

Thought as much. So am guessing you have to continually 'make it up' to her and reassure her how important she is, because of the situation between hr and your dad too.

I would think about how you would like your ideal life to be. Think about how you would spend your weekends in this life, what you would do and how often you would do it. What kind of space would you want to make for your mum? Having her round for dinner once a fortnight, month, three months, never? Seeing her elsewhere, maybe out somewhere? You don't just have to accept the situation. And while the 'ideal' may ultimately be unattainable, that doesn't mean you can't use it as a yardstick to work out where you would like your life to go.

HecateWhoopass · 27/01/2013 21:04

Hang on. She wanted you to cook a meal for 3 people? "cook a roast dinner for her, BD and SIL" that's 3 people.

And you wouldn't even be there?

So cook a meal for them before going out?

That's a bit cheeky.

Or have I misunderstood and it's she wanted you to cook for them all but you can't because you won't be there?

And the only way you can get her to come and see her grandchildren is to bribe her with food?

That doesn't sound very good.

Re the dog - I don't think she's being unreasonable. I wouldn't want to do that. I don't like dogs.

As an aside - did you not check before buying that the crate would fit in your car?

you know. you don't HAVE to do all that you do. If you are starting to resent it - stop doing it.

Original poster

Flossle · 27/01/2013 21:13

HecateWhoopass - haha! No she wanted them all to come to our house and us to cook a roast for everyone whilst being here and not with my Dad's family.

I like her to come on Sundays as it means DC get to spend time with her, tbh I don't mind cooking, but it would be nice if she wanted to spend time with them other than on a roast day

OP posts:

neveronamonday · 27/01/2013 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quoteunquote · 27/01/2013 21:18

Why do you need to put your dog in a crate?

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 27/01/2013 21:40

I would not dog-sit. Your dog, your responsibility.

PureQuint - do you never ask somone to babysit your children while you go out? Perhaps you ask your Mum/sister/brother/friend.

If so, why? Your child, your responsibility.

What a strange attitude you have to family helping each other out

PureQuintessence · 27/01/2013 21:55

No actually, I have never asked family to babysit, as a matter of fact.

No babysitter have ever sat more than 2-3 hours, and they have been paid.

But I should hope my children were better behaved than chew up a sofa. ...

ENormaSnob · 27/01/2013 22:33

I'm not really into other peoples pets or kids but I would help out if that person was cooking for me every week.

Give and take imo.

I suspect op is doing way more than her share of the giving.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 27/01/2013 22:41

So your mum was happy to come round when she was getting dinner, no wait she expects dinner and then because she was in a strop she wasn't getting it for once she wouldn't help you out? Yanbu

Flip

1 2