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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stealth put downs or oversensitive me ?

35 replies

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 10:19

I am a single mum of 4 and constantly get comments from strangers about having my hands full etc. . mildly annoying but not a problem. The thing is school mum friends, who i maybe go to soft play with or bump into on days out will say, in front of my kids, i don't know how you cope, it's my hands worst nightmare, how do you even go for a wee, at least you have the older kids to help etc. I always reply that my kids are well behaved and all sleep well, which they do. Some of their kids sometimes play up but i would not feel at liberty to comment, especially in front of the child. AIBU to feel as if i somehow have less respect as a single mum. It feels like we're an oddity to be commented upon and my eldest 2 feel uncomfortable when this happens. It just singles us out and puts a downer on the outing.

OP posts:

Flobbadobs · 27/01/2013 10:24

I don't think they're put downs, I think some people just feel the need to comment on something all the time! If it wasn't seeing you with your DC's it would be the state of the roads/the weather/the price of bread in Sainsburys or what the woman 3 places in front of them in the queue was wearing. It's just something to say.
YApossiblybeingabitU..

YorkshireDeb · 27/01/2013 10:25

I think you misinterpret this as being less respect - I think people are trying to show you how much in awe of you as they could not imagine themselves coping in the same situation. YANBU to get annoyed with people commenting all of the time especially if your children feel singled out though. X

Flobbadobs · 27/01/2013 10:25

Having said that it would also drive me batty...

Dappylittlemomma · 27/01/2013 10:28

This must get pretty frustating, however I'd guess it is just friends being in awe of how amazingly you cope with 4 children. I certainly would be, I'm exhausted managing 2 and a bump while my DH is away for a week. Saying 'their worst nightmare' was rude though, if unintentional.

Original poster

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 10:30

Thanks guys. . just feeling a bit sensitive. . i even had a total stranger ask if they all had the same dad! 2 dads btw but i didn't reply :)

OP posts:

FreudianLisp · 27/01/2013 10:30

YANBU but whatever your family set-up, someone somewhere will feel the need to make comments that could be construed as judgemental.

LillyofWinchester · 27/01/2013 10:32

They are just being a bit thoughtless - esp at the worst nightmare comment. But I think they mean well & are just impressed you cope so well when they know the realities of bringing up children even with both parents around.

Even looking after one is hard work, but four is even more challenging - I think you should take their comments in the way they are intended, as a compliment to your parenting skills, and ignore the way they are badly phrased, some people just don't think before they speak.

Original poster

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 10:36

Thankyou. . very kind and this perspective has inspired me to round em all up and head out.. I like it when we have an extra child or 2 in tow as we often do, then i get to say oh, they're not all mine!

OP posts:

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 27/01/2013 10:37

I agree that most people probably just think you are AMAZING to handle four DCs on your own OR they are making conversation.

When you don't really know other mums and you are trying for conversation the only thing you have to comment on is DCs and parenting so it's difficult to totally avoid making remarks that (unbeknownst to you) other people might feel sensitive about.

Sugarbeach · 27/01/2013 10:39

I think you are projecting your own sensitivities onto other people's comments and taking them as put downs.

Original poster

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 10:39

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 27/01/2013 10:39

Agree with the respect and awe. My friend is a LP with five DC and IMO she deserves a dame hood at the very least.

Original poster

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 10:43

double post, sorry. It is my own sensitivity, you're right. I feel really self conscious sometimes being with all 4 in a super market especially if they start being silly. I would never judge a single mum but i seem to see myself through the eyes of a Daily Mail reader :-(

OP posts:

RuleBritannia · 27/01/2013 10:48

I would be offended if someone asked if the children had different fathers. I would have the impression that they tink I sleep around and that would be an insult to me, anyway.

Lafaminute · 27/01/2013 10:49

I have two children and when they are driving me to distraction I wonder how anyone can cope with more and if you're single - all the more so. It'd be genuine admiration and awe - certainly not looking down my nose at you; more like berating myself indirectly for being such a wuss about two. I agree with Flobbadobs: it's just making conversation and maybe even trying to give you a thumbs up: fair play to you! I'm afraid I'd be one of those who makes uninvited conversation

MsVestibule · 27/01/2013 10:52

I was impressed by single parents who were doing a good job of raising their children before I had children, now I'm utterly in awe of them! As Lilly said, their comments may be badly phrased, but I'm sure they come from the right place.

I think most of us make inappropriate comments sometimes and have no idea of our effect they may have on the recepients. Your oldest DC may be picking up on your dislike of these sort of comments, so please make sure he knows people mean them positively.

It's lovely that you say in front of them how well behaved they are - it's great when parents praise their children in their hearing. My mum wasn't the perfect parent, but I still remember her telling another mum that she loved school holidays because it meant she could spend more time with us.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2013 10:53

OP... how does anybody even know whether you're single or not?

ElectricSheep · 27/01/2013 10:56

I can totally see why you might feel these comments are a put down.

Can you try to immediately turn their comments round? So the 'my worst nightmare' comment could be replied to along the lines of 'why, don't you like being a parent then?' or 'Do you find it hard to cope with your DC ?

Or for the are they all yours, or same father question: Do your DC both have the same Dad?, or Are you married?

See how they like such rude, intrusive questions.

Original poster

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 11:00

Local school mums know i am single. . lots of gossip as ex snatched our child. I don't know why someone asked about their dad other than, although all the others look alike, 1 Dc looks adorably Chinese for no good reason :-)

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MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/01/2013 11:02

I have 4 children and am married and get the same sort of comments. I think its more about having a large family than being single. It is bloody annoying though.

Original poster

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 11:03

I like your style electricsheep, and it's true that, apart from the laundry, having one dc who doesn't sleep can be harder than 4 who do. And having a partner certainly doesn't mean you automatically have support and help, that's for sure.

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rhondajean · 27/01/2013 11:04

See this is th kind of daft thing I would say meaning it as a compliment because I know I genuinely wouldn't cope - and obviously teh. Come over like a judgemental twat.

On behalf of my fellow clumsy oafs, may I offer sincere apologies.

rhondajean · 27/01/2013 11:04

Thr same dad thing is just rude though.

rhondajean · 27/01/2013 11:05

Although my ob consultant asked me if it was the same dad at the first appointment for my second pregnancy....

Original poster

spiritedaway · 27/01/2013 11:05

Too true Missy. . although a friend from Ireland assures me 4 is a small family ;-)

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