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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want guests round the time I am due to have my baby?

34 replies

dreamsicle · 26/01/2013 23:52

Don't quite know how i found myself in this situation but I am stressing about it already.

DH has invited best friend and wife to visit us from abroad a while ago. They initially said they would come for a weekend end of January and we waited for them to confirm and tell us when.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and have a DC who is 2 and a half. DH told me casually tonight after I asked that the couple are indeed coming to stay with us end of next week for 5 days. In theory that may not be a huge issue if new baby is not here yet. But they are due to leave only 10 days before my due date, i.e. the new baby could come any time from now until they leave. I don't think I could cope with having guests when I go into labour or when I come back from hospital and I also think it unfair for DC1 to have people staying with us and a new sibling all happening at once.

I am a bit upset that the friends think this is a good plan (they know roughly when I am due, but they don't have kids) and that DH does not seem to have grasped that this is an uncomfortable situation to put me in. I have said nothing to him as I didn't want to upset him- he has not planned this intentionally and he would hate to let his best friend down by making him feel unwelcome. I like the couple, they are easy-going and wouldn't need much attention from us if it come to me having a baby whilst they are here, but I just cannot see how this would work without adding unnecessarily to my stress. If baby is here then I want to have the house to myself to establish breastfeeding and bonding in the first few days, rather than have to be in my bedroom to get away from things. Having them here would just add to an already busy and stressful family time. However, this is all a big maybe as baby may not be here till after they have been and gone. I know life does not stop 3 weeks before due date.

AIBU to say something to DH and what exactly would be acceptable in your opinion?

OP posts:

KatyTheCleaningLady · 26/01/2013 23:54

I think YANBU and it's a sticky situation for you both.

Ideally, your husband should be able to say to them something to the effect of you look forward to their visit, but if you go into labour early, they may need to check into a hotel.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2013 23:56

I get why you don't want them there...I'd feel exactly the same.

But what I don't get is why you were happily waiting for them to confirm if you weren't happy about them coming?

And why would it 'upset' your DH if you told him what you've told us?

Tell them to come when it suits you all.

If they don't understand that then fuck 'em.

Backtobedlam · 26/01/2013 23:56

YANBU, it puts you in a difficult position. If you don't have the baby by then you will not feel like hosting and would probably enjoy time just the 3 of you before new baby arrives. Not sure what the solution is though, other than suggesting a nearby hotel/b&b as you think they'd be more comfortable there?

cerealqueen · 26/01/2013 23:57

As Kate says, plus I hope they will be looking after you and your DH will be sorting all visit preparations!!

Wishfulmakeupping · 27/01/2013 00:02

Agree with what Katy said

Iaintdunnuffink · 27/01/2013 00:04

Agree with Katy.

They should also be reminded that you're in the late stages of pregnancy, have a young child and won't be running around after them. Hopefully they are nice, relaxed, easy going and will be happy to nudged into helping out.

Original poster

dreamsicle · 27/01/2013 00:07

The thing is they are very last minute/ spontaneous people so didn't tell us their plans in advance other than they would TRY to come for a couple of nights (not five) end of Jan. That is slightly different to me, to staying here during first week of Feb which is what the final plan has turned out to be... they haven't really thought it through I think, but it would be rude to point out they wouldn't be welcome under the new plan, as my DH has already agreed now.

OP posts:

KatyTheCleaningLady · 27/01/2013 00:09

No, it wouldn't be rude. It may be awkward.

Is it just going into labour that is the problem or do you just not want guests right now even if you know they'd bugger off at the first contraction?

Original poster

dreamsicle · 27/01/2013 00:14

Katy- they are so easy-going that I doubt they would suggest the hotel/ B&B option themselves at the first contraction. They would probably be happy to be part of it...don't know really. I just like my peace and quiet right now before it all starts to get overwhelmingly busy...

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 00:14

YANBU to not want visitor but YABU to not tell your DH so he could sort it straight away.

You say he doesnt get it and you havent talked to him about it, so how can he get it?

Bogeyface · 27/01/2013 00:18

And it wouldnt be rude to say

Dear friends

Sorry to say this but unfortunately Dh and I have a bit of a misunderstanding about dates and we cant have guests at the beginning of Feb as I am due to have the baby then! So I have included details of X Y and Z B&B's so you can be close but not dealing with a screaming labouring woman or a screaming newborn! I know you understand and I really appreciate that!

Love from

Dream

Backtobedlam · 27/01/2013 00:19

Just explain it as you have on here, and you could help your DH write a kind email suggesting alternative places to stay, or inviting them to stay once baby is a few months old? If they are laid back people I can't see that they'd take offence.

Backtobedlam · 27/01/2013 00:19

Xposted

Snazzynewyear · 27/01/2013 00:21

It will be far less of an issue the more notice they get. I would tell them soon if you really don't want people in the house. How financially comfortable are you at the moment? Could you afford to book a (modest) hotel room for the and then if you really can't stand it, and/or you go into labour, you can tell them you have a backup plan for them.

rainbow2000 · 27/01/2013 00:22

Just tell them its to close to the birth. They dont have to know the inns and outs of your due date.It could go over or under put yourself first better get it out now that its not convenient for visitations

KatyTheCleaningLady · 27/01/2013 00:23

"laid-back" people would know to leave when you're in labour!

CelineMcBean · 27/01/2013 00:24

Tell your dh you've decided to have a homebirth

Seriously, I don't know how you haven't gone ballistic. At 37 weeks I was generally furious but this would have made me murderous. The lack of thought from your husband is staggering.

You are right to worry about dc1. At that age they will be totally unsettled by new baby and adding guests into the mix is a recipe for tantrums.

DeepRedBetty · 27/01/2013 00:29

What Katy said, first post. If you've got time, get some reasonable local b&b phone numbers etc for them. They sound like the sort of people who despite being child-free atm would understand.

Original poster

dreamsicle · 27/01/2013 00:39

I feel like in their heads the guests are coming after a long time they are finally managing, so they can hang out with us, not expect to stay in a B&B. Not a very big town where we live and would probably get a bored there. I am just upset that DH didn't even discuss it with me about dates before he accepted. So shocked when he told me final plan I thought if I say something it will come out totally wrong... Esp as I could be stressing over a situation that may not happen.... Aaaaaah what a pickle....

OP posts:

Iaintdunnuffink · 27/01/2013 00:41

I agree it would be rude, or not helpful, at this point to make them not feel welcome. They have factored staying with you into their costs and plans. still, I don't think there's anything wrong with reminding them that you're heavily pregnant and have a young child. Then putting the idea out there that if you're in labour, or have a newborn that they may have to be a flexible with the accommodation and have a back up.

Do you have friends or family nearby who will be happy to have your guests in an emergency? I know it's easy to say just get them to stay on an hotel but its not like they could get a £19 Travelodge at short notice.

They could end up being very helpful nice guests. I have friends and family all over the globe and have often landed on them, if there's an issue I like to be told. If they ask if they can do anything say, yes, cook dinner, take the child to the park. If they are nice and laid back they will be more than happy to oblige.

Snazzynewyear · 27/01/2013 00:46

Friends or family nearby as alternatives is a good suggestion.

Peanate · 27/01/2013 04:57

We were those guests a few months ago. We booked a holiday including a few days in Hawaii to stay with friends. Just after we booked the flights, they discovered they were pregnant again, due a week after our trip!

We offered to stay at a hotel instead of with them, but they wouldn't hear of it (madness!). Instead I was on a mission to make our visit as unobtrusive as possible. We cooked dinner and I ran the Hoover around a couple of times. One night they went off to hospital thinking something was happening, so we looked after their 5 year old. They didn't get home until 5am so we took their son out for the day, leaving a note so they could sleep. The day we left we changed the beds and left their house spotless.

I like to think we were really considerate houseguests, so maybe yours will be the same??

CailinDana · 27/01/2013 05:15

Yanbu. I'm 37 weeks and pils are here just for the weekend. I am fit to kill them. They are being massively helpful but i am just too pregnant to be rational. No way i'd have friends for a week. Too stressful.

Lavenderhoney · 27/01/2013 05:29

I wouldn't want them there when I got home with a newborn, but before I might manage as they could help with housework, cooking and looking after your toddler. You can tell them you are glad they can come for those reasons. You and dh won't be going out or drinking apeven at home in case he needs to take you to hospital and they have to look after your toddler sober!! They might change their plans :)

If not, then you will be in hospital for a couple of days so they can help at home but be gone ( sorry...) by the time you get out. I'm sure they will be fine with that. If not- they can't come. It's your family special time.

ChasedByBees · 27/01/2013 05:32

You really need to speak with your husband about this. If he's so thoughtless (and I don't mean that in the uncaring way, more the unthinking way) then he needs this spelt out to him why it's a problem. You do sound fairly unassertive though. if they do come and you go into labour you'll have to tell them to leave or say something, you can't labour with them around just because it would be rude to do otherwise!

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