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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the saying '....parents did the best they could...."

38 replies

NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 00:37

My hv said this to me the other day. I hate hearing it as I think it is too presumptuous.
It really irritated me and was all I could think about for the rest of the time while speaking to her, I didnt say anything about it to her though as I was too annoyed.

Some parents may fall into this category but not all. I have heard others say it as well.

What do you think about it?

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 26/01/2013 00:39

I'm not just drunk am I? I mean, eh?

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2013 00:39

It depends on what it applies to surely?

"All parents do the best they can", would be a sweeping and silly statement but I'm not sure what you're getting at?

Which parent's was she talking about?

MrsKeithRichards · 26/01/2013 00:40

I read it 3 times. Still makes no sense

SirBoobAlot · 26/01/2013 00:40

We all do the best we can.

Do you mean, does it excuse it when the majorly cock up? In which case, no.

DonderandBlitzen · 26/01/2013 00:42

You need to provide more information. Which parents did the best they could? Best they could at what?

Original poster
NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 00:43

Yes!! It it is too sweeping and makes no sense.

Surely I am not the only to have heard it said though?

OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 00:44

No! I don't think you can make the assumption that parents do the best they can. That is my point.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/01/2013 00:45

No, what I said was too sweeping and makes no sense

What you said just makes no sense without some background?

Original poster
NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 00:47

It is said in a general sense, 'that parents do the best the could'.

No some are just plain lazy. Some are just bullies. Some are too selfish to put in the effort. Not all parents try their best.

Does no one else get irritated by this?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 26/01/2013 00:47

I'm good at sweeping.

DonderandBlitzen · 26/01/2013 00:47

Do you mean that it is wrong to say that all parents are doing the best they can? If so then I agree with you. For example someone might be neglectful because they can't be bothered to parent properly and would prefer to play video games instead. Then they are not doing the best they can.

DonderandBlitzen · 26/01/2013 00:48

Cross posted. Yes I agree then

Original poster
NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 00:48

Have you really not heard this saying before?

I am genuinely bewildered, as it is fairly commonly used.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 00:50

Yes thank you donder that is exactly my point.

I think I will have to challenge the next person to say that to me about why they say it!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2013 00:55

YANBU.

I deliver a "Webster Stratton" programme at our linked Children's Centre and i am sick of correcting the staff when they say that people perceive that their parents didn't play with them, but they have probably forgotten.

They often dismiss the failings of some of their service users parents, who need to talk about this, it is infuriating.

Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2013 00:57

Just to add, very often the parents are attending these classes so that they don't do to their children what was done to them.

nailak · 26/01/2013 01:16

most parents do the best they can with the knowledge, understanding and facilities they have access too.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 26/01/2013 01:24

My mother said this to me during a two hour phone arguement where I explained how shit my teenage years were and why.

"I was doing my best."

No. No you really werent.

Original poster
NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 01:30

nailak yes I agree. I wouldnt get annoyed if I was told that.

Yes birdsgottafly a nursery nurse at my childrens centre said it once too. I dont think people in these roles or hvs should be making sweeping statements and dismissing poor parenting so easily.

OP posts:
lollilou · 26/01/2013 07:22

It is a sweeping statement but my friend and I both said a similar thing tonight regarding our mothers. Mine had a terrible upbringing and hers was in the care system so they didn't really have the mothering skills that we felt we needed. So in our cases I would say it is sort of true

Rosa · 26/01/2013 07:28

I try to do the best I can...sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

HappySeven · 26/01/2013 07:32

So, if I don't remember my mother playing with me, she didn't? And if she did a better job of parenting me than her mother did of parenting her but it wasn't perfect then she didn't do her best?

Isn't this a phrase to remind us that no one is perfect and we shouldn't spend our lives feeling guilty?

Emilythornesbff · 26/01/2013 07:45

I think this kind of phrase is used to try to avoid making parents feel guilty.
Often ppl can be so very defensive about criticism of their parenting (or even of other ppl's parenting style or choices) it's become to norm to use this sort of platitude.

Doesn't make it neccesssarily true although each of our "best efforts" are not the same are they? We all have different limitations.

CailinDana · 26/01/2013 07:45

It's a phrase my mother loves to use about her own "parenting" to excuse the fact that she just couldn't be bothered. If that piss poor effort was her "best" then i'd better be glad she wasn't slacking or i just wouldn't have survived at all.

SPBInDisguise · 26/01/2013 07:54

I understand it to mean the majority of parents want the best for their children, and if they're not providing it due to circumstancees within or outside their control, then the health visitors and others should work with them to make it better. Obviously there are exceptions where the professionals are pitted against the parents in some way but as a general rule they should be working with the parents.